Turning 80 Jokes
32 turning 80 jokes and hilarious turning 80 puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about turning 80 that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Turning 80 Short Jokes
Short turning 80 jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The turning 80 humour may include short turning 70 jokes also.
- Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do? So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine
- Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa. Because tomorrow he turns 81! Happy early bday grandpa!
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey
(This is an old joke I saw. But haven't seen it here in a while. So I figured some of you might get a small laugh out of this) - My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like. My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like.
So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away his smart phone. - What did the Pirate say when he turned 80? Probably nothing because Pirates didn't usually live that long.
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Turning 80 One Liners
Which turning 80 one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with turning 80? I can suggest the ones about turning 60 and turning 40.
- Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80? 'Aye matey"
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80 Aye matey !
Funny funny I know - What did the fisherman say when he turned 80? Eyeee matey!
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Never though I make it this long.
- What does a Pirate say when he turns 80? Ayyyeeeee mmmaattteeeyyy.
- In the late 80's When Michael Jackson first met Chuck Norris he turned white.
Uproarious Turning 80 Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about turning 80 you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turning 50 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make turning 80 pranks.
An old man goes fishing
An old man is fishing at a lake when a frog approaches him.
The frog says "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman and fall in love with you."
The man is amazed. He pick up the frog, stuffs him in his pocket and heads for home.
On the drive, the frog starts squirming and making a fuss, so the man takes the frog out of his pocket.
The frog says "Hey, did you not hear what I said? Just kiss me already and you'll have the woman of your dreams!"
The old man replies "I'm 80 years old. I'd much rather have a talking frog"
A fairy once appeared and told a family couple
"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But unexpectedly the 50 year old husband said.
"This is really romantic and wonderful, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm sorry honey, but I want a wife 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her magic wand once again, and immediately turned the guy into an 80 year old man.
Choices
A man in a nursing facility turned 80. At his party, a large cake was wheeled in, and an e**... popped out of the cake and said, "Hey birthday boy, would you like to have some super s**...?" And the old man replied, "I guess it depends on what kind of soup."
An 80-year-old man goes to his doctor after undergoing a full body image testing and asks him "What is the result, Doc?"
The doctor asks him "What is your zodiac sign?" Though confused, he replies "Cancer, why?" The doctor turns his head to the man and says "what a coincidence!"
A man in the 80's was talking to his best friend when the conversation turned to their wifes.
"You know Jim, you ever tried spicying things up?"
"Whatd'ya mean Tom"
Leaning over to his ear, Tom whispered, "You know, like trying the other hole"
"Why of course not!" Jim exclaimed. "She might get pregnant!"
Idiot pilots - an old one if you haven't heard it . . .
Two idiot pilots are coming-in for a landing.
"Give me 10% flaps," the pilot says.
"Okay, 20% now."
"And, 30%."
"Hey it looks like we're coming in pretty fast," the co-pilot says.
"Yeah, give me 40% flaps."
"Better make that 50%."
"Whoa, this isn't gonna work, 60%, no 80%!"
"Give me 90%, give me 100!!"
The plane hits the runway, the pilot slams on the brakes, and the plane stops just inches from the edge. The pilot wipes his brow and turns to the co-pilot.
"Wow, that's the shortest runway I've ever seen. But, you know, it must be a mile wide." ha ha
Dead crows
There were many dead crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it was due to vehicles hitting the crows.
This was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a vehicle coming, two crows will shout out so the other birds can fly away.
After analyzing the car chips left on the crows, it was found that 80% of crows killed by trucks and only 20% were killed by cars.
Turns out crows are really good at yelling "caw caw caw" and not good at yelling "truck truck truck".
A married couple is driving...
down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
70 mph.
"I want the house as well."
75 mph.
"I want the kids."
80 mph.
"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."
85 mph.
"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?"
"I've got all I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."
As told by the 80-something year-old man at golf league.
My wife and I were driving home from dinner one night when I hit a small animal. "Pull over and see if it's all right." my wife insisted. Turns out that I had hit a baby skunk. My wife, an animal lover, picked up the hurt baby skunk and told me to drive to the animal hospital. As we were driving, she noticed the baby skunk was cold and shaking.
"What should I do?" she asked.
"Put the baby skunk between your legs, it's warm there.", I told her.
"But what about the smell?" she asked.
"Oh don't worry, he'll get used to it."
In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of
A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.
Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.
After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."
Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80."
(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You've known about that tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Officer, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No, officer. Only when he's drunk."