Turning 60 Jokes
19 turning 60 jokes and hilarious turning 60 puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about turning 60 that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Turning 60 Short Jokes
Short turning 60 jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The turning 60 humour may include short turning 70 jokes also.
- I once knew a women who started walking five miles a day when she turned 60… . Well, she's 99 now and we have no idea where she is.
- I just bought the gloves O.J. Simpson wore during his trial for $60,000 Turns out they didn't fit.
- I ordered a 60 inch tv last week for 75 quid The sound doesn't work but at that price you can't turn it down.
- My grandma started walking 2 miles every single day when she turned 60. She's 70 now and doesn't have a clue where she is.
- My gran started walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try and keep fit She's 70 odd now and I've not got a clue where she is.
- Turns out Parmesan cheese could be as much as 60% wood pulp... Which is why you should always go camping with Italians. As long as they stay regular you'll have kindling for fire.
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Turning 60 One Liners
Which turning 60 one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with turning 60? I can suggest the ones about turning 50 and turning 80.
- It turns out that 60's rocker Steppenwolf was an assumed name. He was born Toby Wild.
- What happens when a pirate turns 60? He joins AARP
Cheerful Fun Turning 60 Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about turning 60 you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turning fifty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make turning 60 pranks.
Carl opened a zoo.
Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.
Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.
So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.
Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.
Idiot pilots - an old one if you haven't heard it . . .
Two idiot pilots are coming-in for a landing.
"Give me 10% flaps," the pilot says.
"Okay, 20% now."
"And, 30%."
"Hey it looks like we're coming in pretty fast," the co-pilot says.
"Yeah, give me 40% flaps."
"Better make that 50%."
"Whoa, this isn't gonna work, 60%, no 80%!"
"Give me 90%, give me 100!!"
The plane hits the runway, the pilot slams on the brakes, and the plane stops just inches from the edge. The pilot wipes his brow and turns to the co-pilot.
"Wow, that's the shortest runway I've ever seen. But, you know, it must be a mile wide." ha ha
An 86 y/o man is on his deathbed next to his loved one...
-Honey, there's something I've got to tell you.
-What is it?
The man takes an old key out of his pocket
-This key opens the safebox behind that picture
His bride moves the picture, opens the safebox with the key and finds four eggs and 24000 dollars.
-What is this, honey?
-Everytime I haven't been loyal to you, I've put an egg in there.
-We've been 60 years married, I don't care you've cheated on me only four times.
The woman turns and takes the money.
-And what about all this money?
-Oh, I sell them everytime I reach the dozen.
An older couple decided to try "swinging"
They'd both recently turned sixty and, what the heck -- YOLO. So they went to a swingers party and, to their amazement, connected with a very young couple barely past their teens. After an hour and a half of "play time" they got dressed and headed home.
"Well that was disappointing," he said. The young lady was fantastic but I couldn't keep it up and didn't finish. "
"Too bad, honey. I thought it was spectacular," she replied. "That young stallion ran the full race three times!"
They should've known, it's simple arithmetic: 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20.
A man driving down a county road one day
Sees a 3 legged chicken running next to him.
He thinks to himself "I'm doing 25 mph and this chicken is keeping up!, crazy!!"
He speeds up to 50 mph and still the chicken is keeping up with him.
Up to 60 mph! The chicken is keeping up!
The chicken breaks into a sprint, gets way
ahead of him but he sees him take a hard left turn into a long drive way.
Dude turns into the country drive and an old woman is standing outside...
"I just saw a 3 legged chicken running 60mph!, he turned and came in here."
"Oh yeah, that's one of ours?!...we breed em that way, we love chicken legs"
"How do they taste?"
"I don't know, we ain't never caught one!"
A married couple is driving...
down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
70 mph.
"I want the house as well."
75 mph.
"I want the kids."
80 mph.
"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."
85 mph.
"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?"
"I've got all I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."
CNN reporter
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**...' wall."
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.
After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."
Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80."
(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You've known about that tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Officer, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No, officer. Only when he's drunk."
Another blonde, brunette, and redhead...
...are stranded on a deserted island. Before long they run out of all their supplies and are left in a hopeless and desperate situation. They determine that one of them will try and swim for the next closest inhabited island 100 miles away.
The redhead volunteers to go, but 40 miles into her swim, she finds herself completely exhausted and drowns.
So the brunette makes her attempt and after making it about 50 miles, can't swim another s**... and drowns.
The blonde, left alone, finally makes her attempt. With grit and determination she swims mile after mile but sure enough, 60 miles into her trip, she determines that she will never make it.
So she turns around and swims back.