Turning 40 Jokes
46 turning 40 jokes and hilarious turning 40 puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about turning 40 that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Turning 40 Short Jokes
Short turning 40 jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The turning 40 humour may include short turning 30 jokes also.
- two deer are leaving a gay bar one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"
- When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I've finally achieved half of the goal. I turned 40.
- Turning 40 When my best friend turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail: UB40.
2 months later, on my 40th, I received a CD in the mail from him: U2. - I'm turning 40 soon, and my wife told me she is getting me four T-shirts for my birthday. I asked her "why?"
She said, "because you're going to be in your 4 T's." - So my Mom was turning 40... ..And Dad started making jokes about taking her down to the used wife lot and trading her in for two Twenty year olds.
Mom's reaction? "You're not wired for 220." - Today I'm turning 40 but I feel so proud of my 20yr old slim body ... And if you don't believe me go check my freezer.
- On vacation I got sad and started drinking 40's. You might say my tropical depression turned into a case of hurricanes.
- When my mom turned 40, my dad said he was gonna trade her in for two twenties, She said, "you aren't wired for 220"
- When I turned 40 years old I started delivering babies but kept making errors I was having a midwife crisis
- TV for Sale I just saw a TV for sale on EBay.
The listing said "40" HD TV for sale - good working order, £100 - volume button is stuck on full"
I thought 'I can't turn that down....'
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Turning 40 One Liners
Which turning 40 one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with turning 40? I can suggest the ones about turning 50 and turning 45.
- What did Gordon Freeman experience when he turned 40? A Half Life crisis.
- what do you do when your wife turns 40 exchange her for 2 20s
- Finally, I'm no longer a 40 year old v**.... I just turned 41.
Turning 40 Years Old Jokes
Here is a list of funny turning 40 years old jokes and even better turning 40 years old puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's said that 'you're only as old as you feel'. Turns out you shouldn't feel 14 year olds when you're 40.
Humorous Turning 40 Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about turning 40 you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turning fifty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make turning 40 pranks.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the c**... landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father...
... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.
The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.
Jewish sense of humor
Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the c**... landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
A genie appears in an African tribe...
A genie appears in an African tribe to grant a wish to every villager.
He makes them line up and asks them one by one what they would like.
The first: I want to be white. The genie turns him white.
The second: I want to be white. The genie turns him white.
A guy in the middle of the line moves to the end of the line, grinning wildly.
The 3rd: I want to be white. The genie turns him white.
The following 10: I want to be white.
The guy in the back starts to laugh.
The 25th : I want to be white...
The guy is now exploding with laughter.
The 40 th, 50 th ... : I want to be white...
The 60th, 70th 80th: I want to be white...
By now the guy can hardly stand, he's laughing so hard it hurts.
The 90 th, 95 th ... 99th : They all wish to be white...
When it's finally the last guy's turn, it takes him 15 minutes to control his laughter enough to make his request.
He says : I wish for all of them to be black again.
Another blonde, brunette, and redhead...
...are stranded on a deserted island. Before long they run out of all their supplies and are left in a hopeless and desperate situation. They determine that one of them will try and swim for the next closest inhabited island 100 miles away.
The redhead volunteers to go, but 40 miles into her swim, she finds herself completely exhausted and drowns.
So the brunette makes her attempt and after making it about 50 miles, can't swim another s**... and drowns.
The blonde, left alone, finally makes her attempt. With grit and determination she swims mile after mile but sure enough, 60 miles into her trip, she determines that she will never make it.
So she turns around and swims back.
The Perfect Husband.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: Hello?
WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only Rs. 25,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: Rs. 55,40,000.″
MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing… the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs. 1,95,00,000″
MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of Rs. 1,50,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 45 lakhs if it's really a pretty good price.
WOMAN: Ok. I'll see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: Bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
Honey,is the cat at home??
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: Jen, is the cat there?
Yes , the wife answers, why do you ask?
Frustrated, the man answered, Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!
3 Men's Afterlives
Three men get into a horrible car accident, and all three die together. As they are waiting in limbo, they start talking about the Afterlife. As it turns out, one man is Muslim, one man is Buddhist, the last is Christian.
The Muslim says, "I'm going to enjoy my 40 virgins until my wife shows up!"
The Buddhist says, "Reincarnation is going to be a blast.. until I find my wife again."
The Christian man starts laughing, and the others seem puzzled.
"My wife's an athiest."
The latest thing in the world of chickens.
A guy is driving down a country road when suddenly a chicken darts into the road ahead of him. He swerves to miss it but is pretty sure he hit it. When he looks in the rearview mirror, though, he doesn't see the chicken. When he looks back forward, he sees that the chicken is running ahead of the car! Since he's doing about 40 mph, this astounds him. He decides to follow the chicken.
Down the road a bit, the chicken turns down a dirt lane and then runs into a barn yard, where a farmer is scattering feed to hundreds of free-range chickens. He then notices that all of the chickens have four legs! Incredulous, he asks the farmer what the deal is with the four-legged chickens.
"Well," the farmer replied, "I noticed that people really like their drumsticks and there are never enough to satisfy everyone who wants one at the dinner table. So I spent years breeding a four-legged chicken so that everyone who wants a drumstick could have one."
"That's brilliant!" said the man. "What do they taste like?"
"Don't know." answered the farmer. "Never been able to catch one."
Cat Hating Husband
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."
In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of
A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.
Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde woman are stranded on a deserted island.
The mainland is 100 miles away. They each decide to try to swim there individually.
The brunette goes first; she swims 25 miles, then gets eaten by a shark.
The redhead goes second; she swims 40 miles, gets tired, and drowns.
Finally it's the blonde's turn. She swims 50 miles, then says: "Wow this is tiring, I'm not sure if I can continue" and swims back to the island.
A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange
A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange with 4000 yen to exchange and receives $40.
A week later, he walks into the currency exchange again with 4000 yen, but this time only receives $30. He asks the teller why he received less money this time.
"Fluctuations," the teller says.
Furious, the Japanese man storms out of the exchange, but before slamming the door, turns around and shouts "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.
The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!"
The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!"
The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family."
A Jewish man is turning 40 years old...
So his mother decides to send him 2 neckties. On his birthday, she calls him.
"Happy Birthday, son!" "Thanks, mom." Replies the man.
"Did you get the ties I sent you?" Asks his mother. "Yes," says the man, "in fact I'm wearing one right now." "So what's wrong with the other one?"
Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...
... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'
How do you know when you're turning 40?
When your candy jar is filled with Tums.....
My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh
Moses Meets Dubya
George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"
An elderly man is out playing golf with a friend...
An elderly man is out playing golf with a friend.
During his turn, right before his swing, a f**... procession drives by along the border fence.
The elderly man pauses, takes off his hat, and places it on his chest.
As the procession drives along, the elderly mans friend stands just flabbergasted.
Once the procession passes, the elderly man resumes setting up his swing.
"Now hold on a second!" The elderly mans friend shouts, "That was quite a show of respect! I have never seen anything like it!"
"Well, I had to do something."
"Why's that?" Replied the elderly mans friend.
"I was married to her for 40 years!"
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
My friend Muhammed just turned 40 and is joining a t**... group...
He must be having a midlife ISIS.
Two old, drunk friends are in a bar reminiscing about their love life...
Pete: "John when I was 20, and ready to make love, mine was as hard as an iron rod, it was impossible to bend it."
John replies: "Yeah, me too. It was impossible to bend, but when I turned 30 I could bend it a little bit."
Pete: "True, when I turned 40 I could bend it more than a little bit"
John:"Yeah...same here... in my fifties I could actually bend it quite a lot."
Pete:"Me too, but in my sixties I could almost bend it in half."
"same with me" John replies and takes a sip of his beer "..... Pete... how strong do you think we are going to get?"
Old old married couple was out golfing
The husband was about to putt and he stopped. He looked at his wife of 50+ years and said he needed to confess something.
40 years ago I had an affair and I'm so very sorry and I regret it every day.
That's okay said his wife. It was a very long time ago and we've had a wonderful life together.
It was her turn to putt and she stops. Turns and looks at her husband. I just want you to know that before we were married I was a man.
Her husband get very angry and yells. You son of a b**...! You've been hitting from the ladies tee's for 50 years!
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. Hello, Bush said. Nice weather we're having, huh? Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.
Do you know how you can tell that women mature faster than men?
Men don't grow b**... until they turn 40.
(Credit goes to the old guy who made me chuckle today at work)
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
When my dad turned 40 he left me and my mom and went to Syria to become a t**....
I guess he's just going through his midlife ISIS.
