Turning 20 Jokes

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy.
Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says,
“Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,
“Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”

They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father...

... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.
The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.

Court Case

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

An Irish Thanksgiving.!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

An entrepreneurial blonde is looking for some extra cash

So she goes door to door asking people if they have any odd jobs they need done. Around the third house or so, a sharply dressed man answers the door. She inquires about the jobs, and the wheels in his head start turning. He's been meaning to paint the massive porch that takes up the entire rear of his massive house, but such a job would take at least 3 hours.
"I'll give you $20 to paint my porch out back while I'm gone. I already have the paint and everything."
She happily agrees and totes the paint out back. He chuckles to himself as he gets into one of his many cars and heads out. That dumb broad will be at it all day, and it only cost him $20.
He comes home later, and she's just finishing up. She sees him and jogs up.
He grins. "finished?" He asks.
"Yeah and I even gave it 2 coats!"
"Are you sure? I didn't think there was enough paint there for two coats of the entire porch."
"Sure there was! There was even a little left over! Though I should tell you, it's not pronounced 'porch', it's pronounced 'Porsche'."

Honey,is the cat at home??

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: Jen, is the cat there?
Yes , the wife answers, why do you ask?
Frustrated, the man answered, Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!

A little girl was walking home...

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, he yells, "Hey there, Little girl! Do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl, and keeps walking. The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey, Little girl! I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl, walking a bit faster down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay, Kid, this is my last offer! I'll give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy, if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams,
"Look, Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley, so YOU RIDE IT!"

Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

An Australian in Greece

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to make whoopee.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for some whoopee. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will make whoopee with him again for $200.
Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he replies.
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street," he replies. This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?"
He says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

Leather Worker

There is a doctor who has collected foreskins the entire 20 yrs he has been a Dr, after he retires he takes them to a leather worker to see what he can do with them, the guy tells the Dr to come back in a few days, so the Dr. leaves and returns after 3 days, he goes to the leather worker and says "What did you make me?" the guy pulls out a wallet, the Dr. says "A wallet is all you made? I brought you in 50,000 foreskins and all you made was a wallet?" the leather worker says "It's a wallet now, but if you rub it a few times, it turns into a suitcase."

First time s**...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s**... before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and s**....
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was the pharmacist!"

There once was an old cathedral in rural England...

There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."

Cat Hating Husband

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."

a blonde and a redhead are at a bar

Enjoying a few drinks after work. The local news on the television is showing a guy a bridge threatening to jump. The redhead turns to the blonde and says "I bet you 20 bucks that he jumps". The blonde thinks about it for a second and agrees to the bet. They continue watch the program and the guy indeed does jump off the bridge. "a bet is a bet" the blonde says as she hands the redhead 20 dollars. Feeling guilty, the red head says "I'm sorry, I cant take your money. The same story was on the 6 o'clock news. They just re-showed it at 8. I knew the guy was going to jump."
The blonde replies " I watched the 6 o'clock news too! I just didn't think he would jump twice!"

In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of

A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.
Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."

45 year old charming guy

Having recently turned 45, I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is. At my local gas station, the pretty young girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number. I was taken aback. I explained how I was flattered but was perhaps a bit too old for her and that if I were 20 or so years younger I would happily take her up on her offer, I explained how love and s**... attraction, when intertwined, can be exciting and that I hadn't felt this way in years and asked that she save her love for someone who will truly care for her and respect her not only as a woman, but as a person.
. . . . "No," she said. "Your pump number, sir."

So this guy working in a construction supplies department gets fired...

And the boss needs to hire someone else. So he posts an add online, and there is this Chinese dude that applies, and no one else..
So the foreman hires the guy...
Foreman: "Sir, are you good with a supplies store?"
Worker: "Yes, vellly good with supplies, velly good" (with his pronounced accent)
Foreman:"Ok, good, you hired, thank you"
So the days goes by, and the supplies store is locked all day, the next day too. and the rest of the week goes all the same, with no Chinese man in sight.
So the next monday, the foreman goes to the supplies store in mid-day, and see its still locked.. He uses his master key and opens the door.. There is a bunch of baloons and decorations, but no Chinese worker around...
Then the foreman turns around. and sees the Chinese man with a crew of 20 of them popping out of the closet screaming...
SUPRISE!!!!!!
xD

How to cook a turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

A few old ladies...

Three old ladies are driving down a highway somewhere out west. There is then this police officer waiting for any trouble he spots as traffic goes by. When the three ladies drive by, they are going phenomenally slow so the police officer turns on his lights and sirens and pulls their car over. As he gets to the window, he sees the two old ladies in the back are as white as a ghost as if something scared them.
"Ma'am," asks the officer,"mind telling me why you are driving under the speed limit?"
Confused, she says,"But the speed limit says 20."
The officer looks and sees the 27 and laughs. "Ma'am, that is the route number, not the speed limit." He then looks at the two ladies again and asks,"What's wrong with them?"
The old lady replied,"Oh, we just got off at route 120."

Once there was a boy who really liked tractors...

Tractors were his biggest hobby. He had lots of toy tractors and on weekends he would go and watch the farmers drive their tractors around in the fields.
As he grew older, he still liked tractors, but not as much because he started to find other interests.
When he turned 20 he met a beautiful girl and fell in love. One night he decided to take her out for dinner to a local restaurant. As they were eating, the whole room started to fill up with smoke. Everyone was panicking so he jumped up and said "calm down, I've got this!". He stood on his chair and s**... in all the smoke in the room, then walked outside and blew it all out.
When he returned back into the resturant, his date said to him "oh my god how did you do that?!" To which he replied: "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

A shepherd and his dog

In a sunny day in the fields, there is a shepherd and his dog herding their sheep's.
The shepherd asked his dog to round up the sheep to the fields. The dog went out and started herding the sheep's to the field.
After a while the dog returned and told the shepherd that he already rounded up 20 sheep's on the field. The shepherd was a bit confused because he did not have that many sheep's so he head out to the fields and counted his sheep. The shepherd counted 15 sheep's and wondered why his dog said 20.
He approached his dog and asked "there is only 15 sheep's in the field. Why did you say there were 20?"
The dog turns toward the shepherd and said "i know, but i rounded them up"

Dead crows

There were many dead crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it was due to vehicles hitting the crows.
This was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a vehicle coming, two crows will shout out so the other birds can fly away.
After analyzing the car chips left on the crows, it was found that 80% of crows killed by trucks and only 20% were killed by cars.
Turns out crows are really good at yelling "caw caw caw" and not good at yelling "truck truck truck".

A couple were walking in St Petersburg...

when they felt a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," said the man.
"No, I definitely think it's snowing," said the woman.
After arguing for about 20 minutes, the man says, "why don't we ask this Communist officer over here? He is always right!"
So they go up to the officer and say, "Officer Rudolph, what would you say the weather is right now? Raining or snowing?" to which Officer Rudolph replies, "It is definitely raining."
The man turns to his wife with a smile and says, "see, I told you, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

An older couple decided to try "swinging"

They'd both recently turned sixty and, what the heck -- YOLO. So they went to a swingers party and, to their amazement, connected with a very young couple barely past their teens. After an hour and a half of "play time" they got dressed and headed home.
"Well that was disappointing," he said. The young lady was fantastic but I couldn't keep it up and didn't finish. "
"Too bad, honey. I thought it was spectacular," she replied. "That young stallion ran the full race three times!"
They should've known, it's simple arithmetic: 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20.

Two old, drunk friends are in a bar reminiscing about their love life...

Pete: "John when I was 20, and ready to make love, mine was as hard as an iron rod, it was impossible to bend it."
John replies: "Yeah, me too. It was impossible to bend, but when I turned 30 I could bend it a little bit."
Pete: "True, when I turned 40 I could bend it more than a little bit"
John:"Yeah...same here... in my fifties I could actually bend it quite a lot."
Pete:"Me too, but in my sixties I could almost bend it in half."
"same with me" John replies and takes a sip of his beer "..... Pete... how strong do you think we are going to get?"