Turning 18 Jokes
60 turning 18 jokes and hilarious turning 18 puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about turning 18 that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Turning 18 Short Jokes
Short turning 18 jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The turning 18 humour may include short turning 21 jokes also.
- The day my daughter turns 18, I'm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her: Well, I guess now you really are… independent".
- Just got scammed out of $15. Bought tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
- The farmer asks a neighbour to help him round up his 18 cows. OK, so twenty of them, the neighbour says and turns back home.
- So when someone turns 18... Do all of their minor inconveniences turn into adult inconveniences?
- It makes sense that Leonardo DiCaprio cares so much about climate change… He just wants a world his future girlfriends can turn 18 in.
- Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18? Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.
- What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in Japan stays in Japan Until she turns 18, that is.
- My friend said she's had kidney problems since she was 7 I told her it's fine cause once she turns 18 she'll get adult knees
- Some people's standards make no sense whatsoever For some reason being under 18 is a huge turn off...
- They reckon that you stop having growth spurts when you turn 18, but I grew 5 inches when I met you.
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Turning 18 One Liners
Which turning 18 one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with turning 18? I can suggest the ones about turning 20 and turning twenty.
- The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
- I just turned 18 and my parents tried to surprise me with a car They missed
- I lost my kidneys when I turned 18 My knees are 100% adult now!
- Fight Club turns 18 this year.... but I don't want to talk about it.
- I recently turned 18 and got an eye test Kind of bummed I didn't get adult super vision
- What did the mother cow say to her child when she turned 18? You need to MOOve out!
- What do you call a waterboy once he turns 18? Aquaman
- What did they call Jesus before he turned 18? Nailbate
- Now that Google has turned 18 years old... It can finally turn off safe search.
- My wife and I lost 140 lbs in a week! Our son turned 18.
- What do you call a horse who has just turned 18? barley legal.
- What happens after you turn 18? ***Your free trial of life ends***
- How do you stop being an 18 year old v**...? Turn 19
Turning 18 Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about turning 18 you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean aged 18 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make turning 18 pranks.
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Just write spaghetti
For two years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. He said, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18, and also pay for college. She ......agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back in the message area. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' She gave it to him and then watched as her husband turned white, then fainted after he read the card. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Please send extra sauce!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.
He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had s**... in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have c**... Charlie out back if you want".
The miner says "Thanks, but I don't swing that way", and turns around and heads back to the mines.
He comes back in another 6 months, and asks again. "Do you have any women since I was here last time?"
"No, but we still have c**... Charlie"
"Sorry, I don't swing that way". The miner buys a whiskey and turns around and walks out the door and goes back to work in the mines.
6 months after that, the miner comes back to the bar.
"You get any women? It's been a year since my first visit..."
"No man, sorry. We still have c**... Charlie though".
Now, the miner is pretty desperate at this point. It's been 18 months since he last got laid, and he's tired of waiting. After some deep consideration, the miner sighs and says, "Alright fine. The only people that'll know about this is you, me, and c**... Charlie, right?"
"Yep. And the two men that hold him down," says the bartender.
"Why would there be two men holding him down?" The miner asks with a confused look on his face.
"c**... Charlie doesn't swing that way either".
An Irish Thanksgiving.!
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that he has only 24 hours to live...
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for s**.... Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
Traffic Lights..
I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, " Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, " and
took off before the lights changed.
Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself,
"man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Elderly Woman and Her Cat
An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."
The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?" The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.
"Why hello" she says coyly. He looks at her, "Don't look at me, you had me neutered."
Spaghetti
For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Could have been me...
Sitting at a Red Light yesterday, minding my own business...patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to
me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to Americans!"
and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been
me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Man....that could have been me!
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green. Suddenly, a carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, pulled up next to me.
They had a wild-eyed look as they yelled "Allah HuAkbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" & waved their fists at me. Then they took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran right over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
How to cook a turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
There was a boy that only had a head
There was a boy that only had a head. When he turned 18 his father decided 2 take him out 4 some drinks. After the first drink. The boy grew an arm. Then after the 2nd drink he grew a leg. He kept drinking until he became a full person. He was so excited, he just couldn't believe his luck. He ran outside with joy and then got hit by a truck and died. The bartender turns 2 the father and said. He should of quit while he was a head!
Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.
A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York.
At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!
Late Night Political Jokes
"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" Jimmy Fallon
"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" David Letterman
"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Seth Meyers
A couple goes to a therapist...
after 18 years of marriage.
The wife shares, "I don't think my husband loves me!"
The therapist turns to the husband, "Well, do you love her?"
The husband says, "Of course, I do!"
So the therapist asks him, "Do you tell her that?"
The husband says, "I told her 18 years ago, if anything changes, I'll let her know.."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the s**... club.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cop is patrolling make out point late one night.....
He is used to chasing teenagers out of there who are having s**... so when he spotted a car there late he wasn't surprised.
He turns on the lights and walks up to the car only to find a young man sitting in the front seat and a young woman in the back seat reading a magazine.
Shocked at the "lack of action" he starts questioning the young man and asks for his ID. The ID says he is 22 so the officer asks how old the girl is in the back...
The young man looks at his watch and says "in about 20 minutes she will be 18"...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I turned 18 my dad told me, your a Man now, you can do anything you want!
So I got a s**... change.
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.
The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
Irving Lipchitz always hated his name. As soon as he turned 18, he petitioned to have it legally changed.
The judge was very understanding and asked Irving if he had any outstanding debts, and confirmed he had no criminal history. His character confirmed, the judge granted his wish: and what would you like your new name to be son?
DAVID Lipchitz.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the s**... club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
How Old
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, 20. Your hair, 18. Your figure, 25." "Oh, you're so sweet!" the wife said.
"Well, hang on," said the husband, "I'm not done adding it up yet."
I got an all out groan on this one
My son turned 18 and moved out. We turned his room into a home school classroom for my daughters. My wife moved her printer in there and needed to print something a little while later.
Wife- "my phone can't find the printer"
Me- "did you tell it that it moved"