Turned Jokes
125 turned jokes and hilarious turned puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about turned that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These days, jokes are not only used to make people laugh, but they can also be used to gain insight into life. This article explores the twists and turns of jokes, and how they can be turned down as well as gazed upon as meaningful reflections of our lives. Discover how to make the most of your own jokes and see what insights they bring.
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Funniest Turned Short Jokes
Short turned jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The turned humour may include short turning jokes also.
- When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
- My boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those - As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
- How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
- I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
- In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
- The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
- Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."
- Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
- Two deer walk out of a gay bar One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
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Turned One Liners
Which turned one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with turned? I can suggest the ones about switch and left turn.
- Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
- As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass. Just wanted to make that clear.
- A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
- I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full" Couldn't turn it down.
- Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
- The last four letters in "queue" are not silent They're just waiting their turn
- I tried dating a cougar once. Turned out she was a cheetah.
- It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.
- I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free. - I like my woman like I like my Laptop On my lap , turned on ,Virus free
- How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer? Just give it time.
- The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
- Babies are born with 4 kidneys. When they grow up, 2 of them turn into adult knees.
- I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.
- It turns out vaccines cause cancer. You'll actually live long enough to get it.
Turned Upside Jokes
Here is a list of funny turned upside jokes and even better turned upside puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- sapnu puas Turn it upside down ;)
- If your boat turns upside down you can wear it on your head It's capsized.
- Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat? You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.
- The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war while French people remove the red and blue colour
- If your rowing boat turns upside down, you can wear it as a hat.. It's capsized.
- I didn't think handstands were traumatic. But I just did one and my whole world was turned upside down.
- What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down? A cow.
- Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...
- What do you get when you turn a blonde girl upside down? A brunette with bad breath
- How do you get four gay guys on a barstool? Turn it upside-down.
Turned Down Jokes
Here is a list of funny turned down jokes and even better turned down puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Queue sounds like q followed by 4 silent letters, but… They're just waiting their turn.
- A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
- If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
- Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
- I found a wallet what do i do? I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine. - If light travels faster than the speed of sound... how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
- If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW
- How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Ten. But number four will shock you.
- I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
- I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
Humorous Turned Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about turned you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rotation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make turned pranks.
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.
They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
At the dentist
The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going!
The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed?
She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.
That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Three drunk guys get into a taxi.
The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"
I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs
Turned out to be a pyramid scheme
When I get n**... in the bathroom..
The shower usually gets turned on.
Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.
But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said
"You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.
Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s**...?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"
My best friend turned his back on me when I told him I was gay...
That was his first mistake ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )
I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"
... so I turned it into wine.
At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing.
I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."
I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster
Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.
So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...
when do I get my adult supervision?
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
A man was selling his TV
A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'
I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...
... to keep Dora from exploring.
I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.
There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now both of them have c**... balloons :D
Carl opened a zoo.
Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.
Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.
So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.
Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.
BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you
is an owl?
ME: Who?
*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...
I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation
Now it looks like the French landed on the moon
Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage v**...
But today I turned 20
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
I was a 26 year old v**... until last night
Yesterday i turned 27!
I like my women like I like my toasters,
Turned on, and in the tub with me
The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."
As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
Guess who's no longer a 24 year old v**......
...i turned 25 yesterday.
TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.
Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.
Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.
So I took it and turned it into wine.
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
I saw a TV for sale for 1$
I saw that the TV was in very good condition.
"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller
"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied
"So everything else works?" I asked
He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume
"So you're gonna buy it?"
"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"
My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.
Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.
People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.
But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses
Oh how the stables have turned
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".
The troubles of foreigners in Canada
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."
My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.
**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **
I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it's Good Friday I thought to myself, What would Jesus do? .
So I turned it into wine...
Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend
She says to her husband, 'see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, 'that explains why he is still celebrating'
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
At a corporate party…
The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone
An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…
Thank you for your feedback.
My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.
Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...
It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.
The inventor of the USB stick has died
At his f**... they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.
A man comes home from church with two black eyes.
His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"
"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling her, so i reached forward and pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!"
"that explains one black eye" said his wife, " so how did you get the other one?"
"I thought she must have wanted it there so i put it back!"
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
Mummy, how was I born?
A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**
The mother smiled and replied:
Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.
After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a c**....
I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, What would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
Zelensky is the best comedian
He turned the whole Russia into joke
Mark went for a walk in the park.
As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".
A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.
Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.
But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line."
"Wow," the woman said, "glad to hear it."
"If I may ask," said the Parrot, "what on Earth
did that turkey say to you?"
A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.
She says, "I want to be young again."
\*p**...\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*p**...\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*p**...\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?
So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine
