Turned Jokes

Following is our collection of turn humor and sat one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Turned puns for adults, dirty asked jokes or clean tablecloth gags for kids.

There is an abundance of ran jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on turned. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any began witze you can hear about turned.

The Best jokes about Turned

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."ย 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Me: I don't know; how many?

Son: Ten tickles.

Me: Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.

Son: Huh?

Me: Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?

Son: No; how?

Me: Test tickles.

Son: ...

Son: ...that's inappropriate.

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"


I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
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Now both of them have condom balloons :D

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.


An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

I like my woman like I like my Laptop

On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing.

I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."๏ปฟ

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation

Now it looks like the French landed on the moon


I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume


"So you're gonna buy it?"

"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

I dreamt about a horse last night.

It turned out to be a night mare.

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Guess who's no longer a 24 year old virgin...

...i turned 25 yesterday.

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."


The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"


"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

Carl opened a zoo.

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.

Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.

So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.

Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

I like my women like I like my toasters,

Turned on, and in the tub with me

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you

is an owl?

ME: Who?

*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180ยฐ*

My best friend turned his back on me when I told him I was gay...

That was his first mistake (ย อกยฐย อœส–ย อกยฐย )

I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.

"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

`"Try it now,'' said the bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''

"BP,'' answered the bee.

When I get naked in the bathroom..

The shower usually gets turned on.

People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.

They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

At the dentist

The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going!
The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed?
She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'

'yup'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'

'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'

'yup'

'Wow, can't turn that down.'

The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.

About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes