I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
Now it's your turn to speak.
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Because you don't turn your back on family.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.
The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.
Son: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Me: I don't know; how many?
Son: Ten tickles.
Me: Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.
Son: Huh?
Me: Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?
Son: No; how?
Me: Test tickles.
Son: ...
Son: ...that's inappropriate.
They're just waiting their turn.
there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
She told me to turn the light off and stick it in her butt.
Should've waited for the bulb to cool down first.
So if you're a good driver watch out.
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
Couldn't turn it down.
A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all
BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!
They're just waiting their turn
Alcohol IS a solution.
Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"
Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights
when do I get my adult supervision?
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".
9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"
Just give it time.
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
I saw that the TV was in very good condition.
"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller
"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied
"So everything else works?" I asked
He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume
"So you're gonna buy it?"
"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"
Left and right
Au-burn
^He^^He^^^He^^^^He
You'll actually live long enough to get it.
Teacher: Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters
Me: They aren't Silent, They are waiting their turn
It's where I turn your mom upside down.
I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.
"Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...
Who you going to turn your back on?"
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
I can't turn that down.
Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says:
"You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."
"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.
"To whom do you turn your back?"
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers.
they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."
I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.
When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.
He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"
9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St. Peter calls after them,
"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"
Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Justin, "Your turn!"
Justin burst out into tears.
"Whats wrong?", asks Usher.
Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings."
I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"
Then I said "turn left"
Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.
IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?
Customer: Nothing.
IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?
Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...
IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?
Customer: Nope. The power's out.
They turn off their Xbox.
Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."
"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.
"To whom do you turn your back?"
He said "prove it."
So I pushed him off the balcony.
Turn it upside down ;)
... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Marry her.
Totally blew my mind
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
... to keep Dora from exploring.
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.
Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
Start a war.
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