turkey Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious turkey puns

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

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My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.

My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."

Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"

Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.

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When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

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Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

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I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

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Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

**Moral of the story**: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

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Shot my first turkey today.

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

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The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

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A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

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Corporate Lessons

**Lesson No. 1**

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing at all the whole day?"

The crow answered: ""Sure, why not."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, leapt on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral: *To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.*


**Lesson No. 2**

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings," replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him the strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, he proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral: *Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.*

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Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken.

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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

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I shot my first turkey today.

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food aisle.

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He's Serving Her

Little Johnny went to visit his grandfather's farm for a holiday. While grandfather was showing him around the farm, he saw a cock doing his business with one of the hens, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?

Grandpa replied, "That's a cock, and that's a hen, and he's serving her."

Further on, Johnny saw a horse doing his business with a mare, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?

Grandpa replied, "That's a horse, and that's a mare, and he's serving her."

At dinner that night, Grandma said, "Grandpa, will you please serve the turkey?"

At that, little Johnny jumped up and said, "If he does that, I'm having a hamburger!"

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I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

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I feel bad for eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers that were in the fridge...

but it's hard to quit cold turkey.

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

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A hungry man stops at a small restaurant along the road...

to buy something to eat. Behind the bar is a very attractive young girl smiling at him. Next to her is a board that reads:

* Tuna Sandwich $8
* Beef Sandwich $9
* Turkey Sandwich $8.5
* Handjob $5

After having read the board, the man asks the beautiful girl "Hey gorgeous are you the one giving handjobs for 5 dollars?" to what the girls replies "Yes sir" with a big smile.
The man then tells her "Alright then go wash your hands and make me a tuna sandwich"

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A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.

Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos

The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

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In Soviet Russia, Turkey shoots you.

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Bullshit

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...

I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".

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A ventriloquist's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
He enters a nearby farm and asks the farmer if he can call for help.

After the call, the farmer asks :
- You look like a magician, can you do a trick ?
- Yes, I can make animals speak. Like that turkey :
*I'm worried, haven't seen Roger since Christmas and Bob since Thanksgiving.*
The farmer starts laughing.
- I can do it on the cat if you want :
*If I find the bastard that took my balls!*
The farmer is getting red
- Oh, a sheep, they often have the best stories.
Then, the farmer becomes white and shouts :
- No, don't listen to her, she always tells lies!

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I shot a turkey for the first time today...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

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What's the best way to serve Turkey?

Join the Turkish Army.

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Two Sandwiches in a Deli

One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"


The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conversation right now."


But the veggie sandwich persists. "I'm sorry to bug you. It's just that I'm doing this study for a class. I need to know your response in order to fully understand the psyche and whims of a turkey sandwich. I promise, just the one question, and that's it."


The turkey sandwich replies "Look man, I'm happy just being a turkey sandwich. I know I'm not the most exotic food item out there, but I'm content with my situation."


The veggie sandwich tries taking a more motivational approach. "Come on man, I'm not trying to imply that you're not awesome. Of course you are. But surely you have dreams. We all have dreams. If you could be ANY kind of sandwich in the world, what would you be?"


The turkey sandwich is still reluctant to enter into anything resembling a philosophical conversation with the veggie sandwich. It's always ended poorly in the past, but he knows how relentless the veggie sandwich can be. "Fine," he says, knowing that he has to make a decision. "If pressed, I would be a panini."

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What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving?

Beef with turkey

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1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

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It's Thanksgiving, who doesn't like Turkey?

Russia

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If Turkey was attacked from the rear

Would Greece help?

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I'm Hungary

Timmy: I'm Hungary,

Mum: Why don't you Czech the fridge.

Timmy: OK I'm Russian to the kitchen.

Mum: Hmmm.. may be you'll find some Turkey.

Timmy: Yeah but its all covered in Greece. yuck!

Mum: There is Norway you can eat that.

Timmy: I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile

Mum: Denmark your name on the can.

Timmy: Kenya do it for me?

Mum: OK, I'm Ghana do it.

Timmy: Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today

Mum: It Tokyo long enough.

Timmy: yeah Israelly hard sometimes...

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Why don't the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they don't like Turkey

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My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do...

They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!

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I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.

I wondered for a second, then I remembered,

"Beggars can't be choosers"

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What's the hardest food to stop eating?

Cold turkey

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I no longer eat club sandwiches

I quit cold turkey.

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What's the difference between Turkey and Duck?

Duck doesn't deny the Armenian Genocide.

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So, If ISIS was to attack turkey from the rear ...

would greece help?

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I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

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What do ISIS want for Christmas?

Turkey, apparently.

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I was Hungary...

so Iran to Turkey

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If Russia were to invade Turkey from behind...

Do you think Greece would help?

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The fastest way to quit being vegan is...

Cold turkey

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Shot my first turkey today.

Scared everyone in the frozen meat department.

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My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

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So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving.

He couldn't quit cold turkey.

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There is no Turkey in the coop.

But there's a coup in Turkey.

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What is the difference between a turkey and my wife?

I stuff the turkey before eating it.

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Tasty Tattoo

My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other.

She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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Office jokes.

A rabbit saw a bird sitting on a branch doing nothing and thought it looked good so he asked the bird, "Hey! That look good. Can I sit here and do nothing too?"

The bird nodded.

As soon as the rabbit sat down the the base of the tree a fox ran up and ate the rabbit.

Moral of the story? When you want to sit and do nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

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A turkey wanted to climb a tree and tried as hard as he could but could only make it to the first branch.

So he asked his strong bovine friend for help, "Hey can you help me get to the top of that tree?"

"Sure," he replied, "Just eat some of my dropping as they are packed with nutrients!"

The turkey did and was able to reach the 3rd branch. So he decides to eat even more and this time he makes it to the 7th. Then he eats as much as he possible can and he finally made it to the top!

Then he got tired and the wind easily blew him off and he hit the ground and died.

Moral of the story? Bullshit may get you to the top but it wont keep you there.

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There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I farted my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

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If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

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A 92 year old man I randomly met told me this one: What do you get when you cross a turkey and a cat?

A pussy gobbler.

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I love animals, and I want to stop eating meat...

But I just can't quit cold turkey!

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What do you call a turkey with no arms?

a turkey

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I couldn't bring myself to shoot my own turkey for thanksgiving

... So I dressed one up in baggy sweat pants and gave it a bag of skittles and a cop shot it for me

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Why don't you take a turkey to church?

Because they have fowl language

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Why was Austria-Hungary?

Turkey wasn't around yet.

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How do you end world hunger?

Put Turkey in Greece to cook it, then cut it up and put it into Chile. Then put it on China and give it to Hungary.

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A truck driver stops at a brothel...

He walks up to the Madame, hands her $1000 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a dry turkey sandwich!"

The Madame responds, "Well my dear, for that amount of money you can have two of my best girls and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen woman, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

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What's the difference between a turkey and Def Leppard?

A turkey has two drumsticks

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Two Hunters


A classic...

Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.

So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got bit by a rattlesnake, blablabla, what should I do?"

- Relax, sir. We're sending a helicopter right away. In the meantime, we need you to suck on the bite so as to take the venom out. It's the only way to make sure he won't die. You heard me? The only way you can keep him alive is sucking on the bite! You can save him!

- O.K thank you!"

The hunter that got bit then proceeds to say:
- "So? What did they tell you?"

And the other responds:
- "They say you're going to die"

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Once, there was an old couple....

The husband would wake up every morning and thrust out a loooonnnnnng fart.
She told him for years, "Some day, you're going to shit your guts out if you keep on" but that never stopped him from his morning routine. Finally, after decades, she had enough.
After cleaning out a turkey she took the insides and carefully snuck them into his pajamas while he was sleeping.
When he woke up she hears the normal RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP followed by horrific screams.
After several minutes there is quietness and the husband shuffles into the kitchen.

"Bai gawd, you were right!!!! But with the grace of God and THESE TWO FINGERS, I got em back up there!"

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I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats.

I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

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If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers...

you need to quit cold turkey.

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Timmy : I'm Hungary

Timmy : I'm Hungary.

Mum : Why don't you Czech the fridge.

Timmy : Ok, I'm Russian to the kitchen.

Mum : Hmm...maybe you'll find some Turkey.

Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck !

Mum : There is Norway you can eat that.

Timmy : I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile.

Mum : Denmark your name on the can.

Timmy : Kenya do it for me?

Mum : Ok , I'm Ghana do it.

Timmy : Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today.

Mum : It Tokyo long enough.

Timmy : Yeah, Israelly hard sometimes !

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After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey...

...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.

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hobbitoes joke of the day

A guy walks into a bar. Looking depressed, he sits down and says "Bartender, I need 5 shots of wild turkey." The bartender asks "Why the long face?" Guy says "I just found out that my son is gay" Bartender says "That's rough. I'll buy you your 6th shot." Guy drinks and leaves.

Next day, guy comes back looking even more depressed. Says, "I need 10 shots of wild turkey" Bartender says "What the hell happened now?" Guy says I just found out that my only other son is gay too" Bartender says "Shit man, 11th shot is on me." Guy drinks and stumbles home.

Next day, guy comes back and says "Bartender, just put the bottle on the bar next to a shot glass." Bartender says "Jesus, doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?" Guy says "Apparently, my wife does."

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Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball sub, and he also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine, but since I got the other priest some, I'll go run and get you some." So he runs across the street again to the liquor store.

Then the whale walks up to the counter and says, "Waoooaoooooaaooo."

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So Turkey wants to invade Syria from the rear,

Do you think Greece will help?

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I've decided to avoid Turkey this Thanksgiving...

Way too close to Syria.

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What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

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I shot my first turkey today.

Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.

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This year, I tried to smoke a turkey.

But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit.

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My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge.

But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.

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I shot my first turkey today!

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section though.

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My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

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Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

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If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece Help?

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What country uses the most foul language?

Turkey

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Anyone hear what Russia is eating for Christmas?

Turkey...

Too soon?

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what does a Nazi turkey say?

"Goebbles Goesbbles"

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What's the hardest part of going vegetarian?

Giving up cold turkey

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I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub

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A close call.

A man sits down in his chair then rips a huge fart. His wife says "one of these days you're going to shit your guts out". It becomes a habit that every time he passes gas she says "one day you will shit you're guts out"
One day on Thanksgiving morning she decides she's had enough. She takes all the guts from the Turkey and sneeks them under the covers while her husband sleeps,then goes back to the kitchen to wait. After an hour or so she hears her husband scream then silence. Her plan has worked. After a while he comes into the kitchen and says "well you were right, last night I shit my guts out". "Oh no" she says, "do we need to go to the hospital?" "No" he says. "Thanks to the grace of God and these two fingers I got everything back in place".

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3 guys are eating lunch at work

The first guy pulls out a turkey sandwich.
"Dammit, I hate turkey, if i get this tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."
The second guy pulls out a pastrami sandwich.
"Dammit, I hate pastrami, if i get this tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."
The third guy pulls out a ham sandwich.
"Dammit, I hate ham, if i get this tomorrow i'm going to kill myself."

So the next day all three men get the same sandwich as the day before, so they kill themselves.

At the funeral, two of the three wives were crying, as they felt responsible because they prepared the lunches.

However, the third guys wife was shaking her head. The other two wives asked "why aren't you crying" to which she replied
"That dumbass makes his own lunch"

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Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.

Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.

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I shot my first turkey last Monday

It scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.

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Why can't you have Christmas dinner in the EU?

Because there is no Turkey

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The four things you cannot choose.

1. Your gender
2. Your race
3. Your nationality
4. The president of Turkey.

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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear.......

Do you think Greece would help?

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The EU was invited to a thanksgiving dinner

but they refused to have turkey

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Turkey and a Pine Tree on her inner thighs...

The artist says, "I'll do it, lady, but I gotta know: why the hell would you want those tatted on either side?"

She says, "Because I'm fucking sick of hearing my husband tell me that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey?

A new kingdom would be formed known as full.

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So, I was at the UN headquarters...

So, I was at the UN headquarters and I was feeling a bit Hungary, so I was Russian to the kitchen to get a slice of Turkey, but it was covered in Greece. There's Norway I'm eating that, so I got some Chile instead. Something just Francy enough for me.

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How many chefs does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to cram him in there.

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If the Indians would have given the Pilgrims

donkey instead of turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving

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"Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?"

"No, you can have turkey like everyone else"

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What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner?

The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.

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If Russia tried to take Turkey from behind...

... do you think Greece would help ?

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So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting...

The ham looks over at the turkey and says:

"What are you doing here? You aren't cured. "

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I'll have a foot long Italian with turkey and cheddar cheese.

Whoops, wrong sub

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What do rehab and the days after Christmas have in common?

Cold turkey

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How did Jim start losing weight after the holidays?

He just quit eating cold turkey.

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The first year I didn't eat Thanksgiving leftovers on the day after.

I quit cold turkey.

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I used to be addicted to frozen sandwiches

But I decided to go cold turkey.

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The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

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James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

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I quit smoking cold turkey

Now I just eat it like everybody else

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What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and an EA game?

The turkey is stuffed with content and you only have to pay for it once.

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What was the turkey suspected of?

Fowl play.

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Guess who didn't eat on thanksgiving?

The turkey! It was already stuffed...

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Three men, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead are eating lunch...

... During their break at work. They all pull out their sandwiches and open them up to find out what they got to eat. First the redhead sees that he got ham and exclaims, "Ham again! If I get ham again I'm going to jump off a cliff and kill myself!" Next the brunette opens his sandwich and exclaims, "Turkey again! If I get turkey again I'm going to jump off a cliff and kill myself!" Lastly the blonde opens his sandwich and exclaims, "If I get peanut Butter and jelly one more time I'm going to jump off a cliff and kill myself!" The next day all three men got the same type of sandwich again and proceeded to the nearest cliff and jumped off.

Now the wifes are being interviewed:
The redheads wife says "If I would have known, I would have never done it!" And burst out crying The brunettes wife says "If I would have known I would have never done it!" And burst out crying. Lastly the blondes wife says "Hey don't look at me, he made his own sandwiches"

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What do you call a turkey with Parkinson's Disease?

Turkey Jerky

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I shot my first turkey today!

But I scared the hell out of everyone in the meat section.

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I shot my first turkey today...

..It sure scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section

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If Russia invaded Turkey

If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, will Greece help?

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A mother sends her son to the store for a turkey

A mother sends her son to the store with $60 for a turkey for Thanksgiving. He comes back with a turkey and hands her back $60, so she asks him, "Where did you get that turkey, son?" He says, "I won it, Momma. They said the person with the biggest pecker gets a turkey." "So you took your pecker out and showed it, all in front of those people?"

"No, just enough to win."

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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?

"Quack, quack."

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An Irish Thanksgiving.!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

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I named my penis Richard

That's long for Dick

Hey - at least it's not another Turkey joke.

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There's a strange new trend in my office...

People have started naming food in the office fridge

Today I ate a turkey sandwich called Kevin.

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Deli meats

I knew a guy who was addicted to deli meats. He just couldn't quit cold turkey.

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I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers.

I quit cold turkey a long time ago.

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A young couple is having their first christmas together and they're cooking a turkey.

Just before they put the turkey in the oven the guy cuts an inch and a half off each end. His girlfriend asks "Why did you do that?" "That's how my mom does it." "Why does she do it?" "I don't know." So they phone his mom and she says "That's how *my* mom did it." So they phone the grandma and she says "I had a small oven."

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now... (more)

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

My friends say I drink too much brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

I'm hooked on deli sandwiches, but I've decided I'm going to quit cold turkey.

My girlfriend used to be a nun, but she dropped the habit.

Anyone have any more one-liners along these lines?

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What do America and Russia have in common?

They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving

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I got addicted to eating deli meat right out of the refrigerator...

But I decided to quit cold turkey.

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What sound does a dying Turkey make?

Coup coup coup

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I heard that certain foods can be addictive

So I quit cold turkey.

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I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

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Why shouldn't you join Alcoholics Anonymous on Thanksgiving?

Because all they serve is cold turkey.

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Turkey shot down Syrian helicopter at the border.

How did they train it to do that?

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This joke gets told EVERY Thanksgiving... Might as well (re)post it here. "How to cook a turkey"

"How to cook a turkey"


Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

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Shot my first turkey yesterday...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section at the grocery store.

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Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the other bird was chicken.






This is original, my dad made it up.

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How many wings does a turkey need to answer the phone?

I'll let you know. The phone is still winging.

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A lady goes to a tattoo parlor

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh. A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain

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A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.

**Why did the police arrest the turkey?**
> They suspected fowl play.

**What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?**
> A poultrygeist!

**Why did the turkey cross the road twice?**
> To prove he wasn't a chicken!

**What key won't open any door?**
> A turkey!

**If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?**
> Goblet.

**Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from?**
> A poul-tree.

**What happens when you're too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?**
>They turn into blueberries.

**What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today?**
> Plymouth.

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What do you call a Nazi turkey?

Joseph Gobbles.

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What is Putin having for Christmas?

Turkey.

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Do you know why Turkeys make good warriors?

Because they ain't no chicken.

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What did the turkey eat for Christmas?

Nothing, it was already stuffed!

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I shot my first turkey today!

But for some reason everyone in the frozen food section acted really surprised.

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Looks like Erdogan had to quit...

...cold Turkey. [](/rimshot)

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What does an anti-Semitic turkey say?

Goebbel goebbel.

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Who wasn't hungry on Christmas?

The Turkey, he was stuffed!

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What are the best Turkey puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Turkey? Well, here are the best jokes about Turkey to have fun with.

Joko Jokes