turkey Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious turkey stories

What are the best turkey puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Turkey? Well here is a complete list of the top turkey jokes:

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Please notify if repost. (first)

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor, asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

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I shot a turkey for the first time today...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

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After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey...

...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.

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I've decided to avoid Turkey this Thanksgiving...

Way too close to Syria.

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What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

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My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

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Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

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What country uses the most foul language?

Turkey

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what does a Nazi turkey say?

"Goebbles Goesbbles"

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If the Indians would have given the Pilgrims

donkey instead of turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving

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The first year I didn't eat Thanksgiving leftovers on the day after.

I quit cold turkey.

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I shot my first turkey today!

But I scared the hell out of everyone in the meat section.

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A mother sends her son to the store for a turkey

A mother sends her son to the store with $60 for a turkey for Thanksgiving. He comes back with a turkey and hands her back $60, so she asks him, "Where did you get that turkey, son?" He says, "I won it, Momma. They said the person with the biggest pecker gets a turkey." "So you took your pecker out and showed it, all in front of those people?"

"No, just enough to win."

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Why shouldn't you join Alcoholics Anonymous on Thanksgiving?

Because all they serve is cold turkey.

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Shot my first turkey yesterday...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section at the grocery store.

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What do you call a vietnamese turkey?

Gobbledy gook.

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Thanksgiving dinner.

So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?"

And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."

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Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution

Bone-less turkey

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I have tried to quit cold turkey; but...

It is just so tasty!

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What's the difference between a turkey and Turkey?

A turkey wouldn't commit genocide against innocent people

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What do you call a Jihadist that loves turkey?

A Tryptophanatic

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Corporate Lessons

**Lesson No. 1**

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing at all the whole day?"

The crow answered: ""Sure, why not."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, leapt on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral: *To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.*


**Lesson No. 2**

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings," replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him the strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, he proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral: *Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.*

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Two Sandwiches in a Deli

One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"


The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conversation right now."


But the veggie sandwich persists. "I'm sorry to bug you. It's just that I'm doing this study for a class. I need to know your response in order to fully understand the psyche and whims of a turkey sandwich. I promise, just the one question, and that's it."


The turkey sandwich replies "Look man, I'm happy just being a turkey sandwich. I know I'm not the most exotic food item out there, but I'm content with my situation."


The veggie sandwich tries taking a more motivational approach. "Come on man, I'm not trying to imply that you're not awesome. Of course you are. But surely you have dreams. We all have dreams. If you could be ANY kind of sandwich in the world, what would you be?"


The turkey sandwich is still reluctant to enter into anything resembling a philosophical conversation with the veggie sandwich. It's always ended poorly in the past, but he knows how relentless the veggie sandwich can be. "Fine," he says, knowing that he has to make a decision. "If pressed, I would be a panini."

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A hungry man stops at a small restaurant along the road...

to buy something to eat. Behind the bar is a very attractive young girl smiling at him. Next to her is a board that reads:

* Tuna Sandwich $8
* Beef Sandwich $9
* Turkey Sandwich $8.5
* Handjob $5

After having read the board, the man asks the beautiful girl "Hey gorgeous are you the one giving handjobs for 5 dollars?" to what the girls replies "Yes sir" with a big smile.
The man then tells her "Alright then go wash your hands and make me a tuna sandwich"

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My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

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Donated a turkey to a local food bank today.

They're still wondering how I managed to get it into the trunk without it clawing my face off.

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How do you keep a Turkey in suspense?

I'll tell you later.

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3 guys are eating lunch at work

The first guy pulls out a turkey sandwich.
"Dammit, I hate turkey, if i get this tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."
The second guy pulls out a pastrami sandwich.
"Dammit, I hate pastrami, if i get this tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."
The third guy pulls out a ham sandwich.
"Dammit, I hate ham, if i get this tomorrow i'm going to kill myself."

So the next day all three men get the same sandwich as the day before, so they kill themselves.

At the funeral, two of the three wives were crying, as they felt responsible because they prepared the lunches.

However, the third guys wife was shaking her head. The other two wives asked "why aren't you crying" to which she replied
"That dumbass makes his own lunch"

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An old couple...

An old couple has lived together for many years. They lived a happy and long life together. Every morning - the husband would wake up and let out a stinky, warm fart. This had agitated the wife and she would always tell him, that one morning he will fart out his guts. One day she decided to have revenge. She placed some turkey giblets in the bed, next to his ass and went downstairs to cook breakfast. The husband woke up as usual and released an enormous fart. She heard him screaming and decided to check on him, and the second she walked into the room, he said to her:
*Missus, you were right! I did fart out my guts! but with the help of god and these two fingers - I managed to push'em back inside*

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Bullshit

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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So my doctor told me I need to stop eating so much...

But I don't think I can just quit eating cold turkey.

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A close call.

A man sits down in his chair then rips a huge fart. His wife says "one of these days you're going to shit your guts out". It becomes a habit that every time he passes gas she says "one day you will shit you're guts out"
One day on Thanksgiving morning she decides she's had enough. She takes all the guts from the Turkey and sneeks them under the covers while her husband sleeps,then goes back to the kitchen to wait. After an hour or so she hears her husband scream then silence. Her plan has worked. After a while he comes into the kitchen and says "well you were right, last night I shit my guts out". "Oh no" she says, "do we need to go to the hospital?" "No" he says. "Thanks to the grace of God and these two fingers I got everything back in place".

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I was told I could keep a turkey in the freezer for a week or two but I checked on it today (after only 2 days) and it is dead. Am I doing something wrong?

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I've finished off the thanksgiving leftovers

I guess it's time to quit (puts on sunglasses) Cold Turkey.

YYEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH.

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Turkeys Recalled.

Did you see the news story about the turkey recall? Check your freezers, because Butterball is recalling all of their turkeys because they forgot to butter the balls.

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Two Hunters


A classic...

Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.

So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got bit by a rattlesnake, blablabla, what should I do?"

- Relax, sir. We're sending a helicopter right away. In the meantime, we need you to suck on the bite so as to take the venom out. It's the only way to make sure he won't die. You heard me? The only way you can keep him alive is sucking on the bite! You can save him!

- O.K thank you!"

The hunter that got bit then proceeds to say:
- "So? What did they tell you?"

And the other responds:
- "They say you're going to die"

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Real BullShit!!

A turkey was chatting with a bull I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

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Office jokes.

A rabbit saw a bird sitting on a branch doing nothing and thought it looked good so he asked the bird, "Hey! That look good. Can I sit here and do nothing too?"

The bird nodded.

As soon as the rabbit sat down the the base of the tree a fox ran up and ate the rabbit.

Moral of the story? When you want to sit and do nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

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A turkey wanted to climb a tree and tried as hard as he could but could only make it to the first branch.

So he asked his strong bovine friend for help, "Hey can you help me get to the top of that tree?"

"Sure," he replied, "Just eat some of my dropping as they are packed with nutrients!"

The turkey did and was able to reach the 3rd branch. So he decides to eat even more and this time he makes it to the 7th. Then he eats as much as he possible can and he finally made it to the top!

Then he got tired and the wind easily blew him off and he hit the ground and died.

Moral of the story? Bullshit may get you to the top but it wont keep you there.

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An Irish Thanksgiving.!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

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Three men, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead are eating lunch...

... During their break at work. They all pull out their sandwiches and open them up to find out what they got to eat. First the redhead sees that he got ham and exclaims, "Ham again! If I get ham again I'm going to jump off a cliff and kill myself!" Next the brunette opens his sandwich and exclaims, "Turkey again! If I get turkey again I'm going to jump off a cliff and kill myself!" Lastly the blonde opens his sandwich and exclaims, "If I get peanut Butter and jelly one more time I'm going to jump off a cliff and kill myself!" The next day all three men got the same type of sandwich again and proceeded to the nearest cliff and jumped off.

Now the wifes are being interviewed:
The redheads wife says "If I would have known, I would have never done it!" And burst out crying The brunettes wife says "If I would have known I would have never done it!" And burst out crying. Lastly the blondes wife says "Hey don't look at me, he made his own sandwiches"

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The Foreign Minister

True story:

Robin Cook, then the British Foreign Minister, was representing Prime Minister Blair at a conference in Turkey.

In the mornings, Mr. Cook enjoyed quiet study time above anything else, so his staff let him be alone out of respect for that wish. But that day, two London newspapers carried an "exclusive" story saying the PM's wife was pregnant. And Robin Cook had been left out on the development.

At the meeting, Mr. Cook met the Irish Prime Minister, who told him to tell Blair congratulations about the "great news" on his behalf.

Thinking that the Irishman was referring to a breakthrough in the Irish peace process, he replied:

"Thank you. Thank you very much. But you do know that Tony has been trying very hard for three years now."

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hobbitoes joke of the day

A guy walks into a bar. Looking depressed, he sits down and says "Bartender, I need 5 shots of wild turkey." The bartender asks "Why the long face?" Guy says "I just found out that my son is gay" Bartender says "That's rough. I'll buy you your 6th shot." Guy drinks and leaves.

Next day, guy comes back looking even more depressed. Says, "I need 10 shots of wild turkey" Bartender says "What the hell happened now?" Guy says I just found out that my only other son is gay too" Bartender says "Shit man, 11th shot is on me." Guy drinks and stumbles home.

Next day, guy comes back and says "Bartender, just put the bottle on the bar next to a shot glass." Bartender says "Jesus, doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?" Guy says "Apparently, my wife does."

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Billy gets a job

One day Billy decides he wants a job, so he goes around asking local stores but no-one would give Billy a job. He goes up to the local turkey farm and sees an old man standing by the gate, he says to the farmer please give me a job I'm desperate. The farmer who didn't like the boy much goes I will give you $4.00 dollar's for each turkey you jerk off. Billy being desperate took the job so he got to it. He started jerking off each turkey by turkey by turkey. He does this to each and every one until he comes to the end and the last turkey goes to Billy Gobble-Gobble and Billy goes hey there will be enough of that, you'll get the same as the rest of them.

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Latex gloves

A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him "Harry, you fart every morning in bed. One day you're going to fart your guts out!" Harry just grunted and ignored her.

4 months later...

It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back downstairs and acts like nothing ever happened.

15 minutes later...

Fiona hears a scream from upstairs, and she sees Harry run down the stairs straight into the bathroom.

10 minutes later...

Fiona hears the door open and Harry walks out of the bathroom. "Are you okay honey? Fiona's says.
"Well, you know how you said I would fart my guys out? Well it happened, but with some pliers and a pair of latex gloves I managed to get most of them back in.

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Turkey Joke

A woman stops into her local grocery store to purchase a turkey for her upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. She browses the selection of turkey, but does not see one that will feed the amount of guests she invited for Thanksgiving.

She walks over to the deli and asks to speak with the butcher. The butcher steps out, wiping his hands on his apron, and asks "How may I help you today?"

The woman replies, "I'm having a large gathering on Thanksgiving and I need to know if these turkeys get bigger".

Without missing a beat the butcher replies, "No, Miss. These turkeys are dead."

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A little joke I made up...

What did your mom say to the pedo after he put a turkey in her oven?
It's not ready yet.

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Did you hear about the blonde that...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

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How do you keep a Turkey in suspense?

...

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I can't wait for turkey dinner tomorrow.

I love middle eastern food.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best turkey jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about turkey. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty turkey gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these turkey jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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