Turkey Day Jokes

There was an old married couple who love each other very much.
But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge n**... wet f**... with his wife right in the bed next to him.
The wife always says "One day you're going to f**... your guts out if you don't stop."
Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind.
She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting f**... all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while.
Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."

Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm.
They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy f**... incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.
The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain.
"One day, you'll spill your guts out, you mark my words!" was the lady's frequent closing warning.
Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a s**... of genius.
She took all the turkey's guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man's covers.
"That'll teach him!" she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work.
At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression.
"You were right about the f**..., Ida," he panted, "I'm ashamed to admit that I did f**... my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!"

An old couple had been married for 30 years...

And every morning for those three decades, at precisely 6:30 am, the man would release a horrendous f**... that would gag a maggot! His wife would be awakened by said f**... and the man would laugh. Oftentimes he would give her the ole' "Dutch Oven". Every time, however, the disgusted wife would exclaim "One day, you're gonna f**... your guts out!". The husband would then laugh harder and perhaps wave a little more foul air in her direction.
One day, it was thanksgiving. The wife gets up much earlier to begin food preparation for the feast. As she is removing the innards of her fleshy killed turkey, she gets an idea. She gathers up the fowl gut and brings them upstairs to her sleeping husband. She then deposited the entrails into the back of his jockeys. She returns to her kitchen and waits for 6:30.
When 6:30 arrives, she hears the earth shattering flatulence all the way downstairs which is followed immediately by a despairing cry. The woman giggles behind her hand.
Several minutes later, her husband comes to her kitchen, white-faced and wide-eyed. He says, "All this time, you were right. I finally f**... my guts out!" The wife says, " My goodness! Really?". He replies, "Yeah, but I got em' all back in."

b**...

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him right out of the tree.
Moral of the story: b**... might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lessons

**Lesson No. 1**
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing at all the whole day?"
The crow answered: ""Sure, why not."
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, leapt on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral: *To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.*
**Lesson No. 2**
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings," replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him the strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, he proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral: *b**... might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.*

A guy sits in front of TV all day, f**... like there's no tomorrow.

But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog p**....
The wife, understandably is very angry, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna f**... your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, her husband falls asleep.
The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.
"What happened?" asked his wife.
"Well," the man said, "you were right. I f**... my guts out."
"What did you do?" asked his wife.
"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"

There was once a man who woke up every morning and f**... really loudly...

Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to f**... your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I f**... my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."

3 guys are eating lunch at work

The first guy pulls out a turkey sandwich.
"d**..., I hate turkey, if i get this tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."
The second guy pulls out a pastrami sandwich.
"d**..., I hate pastrami, if i get this tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."
The third guy pulls out a ham sandwich.
"d**..., I hate ham, if i get this tomorrow i'm going to kill myself."
So the next day all three men get the same sandwich as the day before, so they kill themselves.
At the f**..., two of the three wives were crying, as they felt responsible because they prepared the lunches.
However, the third guys wife was shaking her head. The other two wives asked "why aren't you crying" to which she replied
"That d**... makes his own lunch"

Did you hear about the blonde that...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

Two Sandwiches in a Deli

One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"
The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conversation right now."
But the veggie sandwich persists. "I'm sorry to bug you. It's just that I'm doing this study for a class. I need to know your response in order to fully understand the psyche and whims of a turkey sandwich. I promise, just the one question, and that's it."
The turkey sandwich replies "Look man, I'm happy just being a turkey sandwich. I know I'm not the most exotic food item out there, but I'm content with my situation."
The veggie sandwich tries taking a more motivational approach. "Come on man, I'm not trying to imply that you're not awesome. Of course you are. But surely you have dreams. We all have dreams. If you could be ANY kind of sandwich in the world, what would you be?"
The turkey sandwich is still reluctant to enter into anything resembling a philosophical conversation with the veggie sandwich. It's always ended poorly in the past, but he knows how relentless the veggie sandwich can be. "Fine," he says, knowing that he has to make a decision. "If pressed, I would be a panini."

A farmer and his wife have been married many years.

The farmer has a talent for f**... very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna f**... your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna f**... right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I f**... my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

Latex gloves

A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him "Harry, you f**... every morning in bed. One day you're going to f**... your guts out!" Harry just grunted and ignored her.
4 months later...
It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back downstairs and acts like nothing ever happened.
15 minutes later...
Fiona hears a scream from upstairs, and she sees Harry run down the stairs straight into the bathroom.
10 minutes later...
Fiona hears the door open and Harry walks out of the bathroom. "Are you okay honey? Fiona's says.
"Well, you know how you said I would f**... my guys out? Well it happened, but with some pliers and a pair of latex gloves I managed to get most of them back in.

Catholic School

So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.
Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.
The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."
The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."
Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.
The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"

Real b**...!!

A turkey was chatting with a bull I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: b**... might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Three p**... are discussing the meaning of Easter

The first p**... says, "Easter is that time of year when your family comes over for the night. You sit down to a big turkey dinner and you watch football.
"No you m**...," said the second p**.... "That is Thanksgiving. Easter is the time of year when a fat man in a red suit comes down your chimney and leaves you presents underneath a tree."
"Don't be s**...," said the third p**.... "You should know that is Christmas. Easter is the time of year when Jesus died for our sins and was put behind a boulder. Then in three days, he pushed the boulder out of the way, stepped outside, saw his shadow and ran back inside shouting six more weeks of winter."

Literary alcohol puns

I saw someone post some the other day. Has anyone thought of any new ones?
Here are a couple my friends and I thought of...
50 Shades of Grey Goose,
Into the Wild Turkey,
Beer and Present Danger,
Patriot Drinking Games,
The Sum of All Beers (I like Tom Clancy),
The Red Badge of Liquid Courage.

Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.
**Moral of the story**: b**... might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.