The Best 81 Tuesday Jokes

If you're looking for a laugh on a Tuesday, look no further than these jokes. From clean jokes to laugh-out-loud funny, we've got the best jokes to make your day.

Top 10 Funniest Tuesday Jokes and Puns

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

So I got a nose job last Tuesday...

It's amazing what hookers will do if you tip them.

(Original joke)

why was the computer late to work?

because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)

So its pancake Tuesday today

That surely crepe'd up on us

jokes about tuesday

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"

The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."

The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."

Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."


For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday...

...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.

What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee?

Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...

Tuesday joke, What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee?

What's the worst thing about Fridays?

Realizing it's only Tuesday.

Shrove Tuesday

"Dad why is my brother called George?"

"Cos he was born on St George's day"

"Dad why is my brother called David?"

"Cos he was born on St David's day"

"Dad.."

"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."

Happy Fat Tuesday...

Or as your mother calls it, just another day.

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

You can explore tuesday wednesday reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tuesday friday dad jokes. There are also tuesday puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?)

Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Ahh, those were the days...

Why are Asian women so excited about Tuesday?

It's Erection Day.

Dementia

Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?"
The first man answers, "274."
The second man answers, "Tuesday."
The third man answers, "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

Tuesday joke, As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

When I was in college, I used to have sex almost EVERY DAY...

...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...

Baseball

A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday and Today.


Time Machine

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

My wife wants to meet new people & have fun, so she made me join a Bridge Club....

...I jump off next Tuesday

Today's Top Joke

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:

How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.

Happy International Women's Day!

Or as I like to call it, Taco Tuesday

What is a stuttering ballerinas favourite day of the week

Tu-Tu Tuesday

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.

I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?

I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.

Tuesday joke, Blessed Are The Red-Necked

I have sex almost every night!

Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night...

I went for a job interview

I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.

"Violent when disappointed," I replied.

I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.


I run a support group for premature ejaculators every Tuesday.

Officially it starts at seven, but everyone comes early.

I've heard that if you choose to do something you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life

Apparently loving to lay on the couch all day, watching TV and doing nothing doesn't apply and my stuff gets repossessed next Tuesday.

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

Nothing ruins a Friday more...

...than realizing that today is Tuesday.

Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges?

As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.


ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

Three old men

Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.

Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?

"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children.

They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.

I convinced my girlfriend to get over her fear of skydiving...

Her funeral is on Tuesday.

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

I only drink on days that start with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.

One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"

A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"

The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"

So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"

The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.

I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.

"Drunk again?!" she asks.

He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."

I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). .

We can call it... 2's day

My boss asked why I was already late twice this week

"Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex

He asks, "Mommy, what are you doing to Daddy?"

She thinks fast and says "Daddy's too fat, so I'm trying to flatten him out".

"Why bother? Every Tuesday the maid comes in and blows him back up again!"

Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate.

Tuesday.

My wife wants me to lose 180 pounds this year for my new year's resolution.

I'm serving her with the divorce papers on Tuesday.

What follows four days of rain in Seattle?

Tuesday

I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday

I have enough money to last the rest of my life...

If I died next Tuesday.

I have sex with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

Today I held open a door for a feminist

My court hearing is scheduled for next Tuesday.

George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

Money-wise I'm set for life,

Provided I die next Tuesday

On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

How do you make a blond laugh on monday?

Tell her a joke on tuesday

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.

They just don't make them like their going to anymore.

SNL does great parodies of presidential debates.

For some reason this one is airing on a Tuesday though

I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life.

Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday.

What did the calendar say after Tuesday?

WTF

An old friend of mine married a young girl

As we're not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex.

Almost every day, he said.

Almost every day?! I exclaimed.

Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get sex almost every day..

Friends: no way!

Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

Death

Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.

I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, You have to try to relax, It looks like you're two tents.

Told my husband I want to be cremated.

He made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Pilot Bob Johnson, age 85, died peacefully in his sleep last Tuesday.

The rest of his passengers weren't so lucky.

The phone rings at a local law firm...

"Good morning, Krantz Krantz Krantz & Krantz LLP."
"Is Mr. Krantz available?"
"No, I'm afraid he's in a meeting with a client at the moment."
"And what about Mr. Krantz?"
"He's away in Washington for the week."
"Then, is Mr. Krantz in?"
"Ye- err, wait, it's Tuesday. He's not in until the afternoon on Tuesdays."
"Well! At the very least, could I speak with Mr. Krantz?!"
"Speaking."

Today is Wednesday, 2nd February 2022 (2/2/22).

For some reason, I kept thinking it was Tuesday.

Febuary 22nd 2022 falls on a tuesday

so we will be able to call it 2'sday....

Wednesday is actually Tuesday

Wednesday is actually twos day this week! Don't miss the opportunity to tell your wife and kids that clever dad joke!

Wednesday 2/2/22 is twos day!!

Why are there so many 2's in the date 2-22-22?

Because it's a twos day (Tuesday)

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

Husband: we should have sex more often!

Wife: But we have sex almost every day!
Husband: Almost every day??? How's that???
Wife: Well, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday….

Wedding Bells

If the actress Tuesday Wells married the grandson of director Frederick March, would she become Tuesday March the third?

Monday and Tuesday are my most productive days

After that, it's WTF

What day of the week do Mexicans play D&D?

THAC0 Tuesday

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"



"Next Tuesday"

When Pablo Picasso was a young struggling artist, he was several months behind in the rent.

The landlord came by and told him that if he didn't come up with the money he would be evicted on Tuesday.


Picasso exclaimed, "Before you kick me out, just think, years from now people will look at this building and say the great Picasso lived there."


The landlord looked at him blankly and said, "And if you don't come up with the money they can start doing it Tuesday."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the tuesday midday jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working tuesday weds piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes