Tuesday Jokes

151 tuesday jokes and hilarious tuesday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tuesday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

If you're looking for a laugh on a Tuesday, look no further than these jokes. From clean jokes to laugh-out-loud funny, we've got the best jokes to make your day.

Funniest Tuesday Short Jokes

Short tuesday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tuesday humour may include short tuesday work jokes also.

  1. Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar
  2. I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T. Tuesday, Thursday and Today.
  3. Time Machine I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
  4. ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
  5. A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night... He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
    "Drunk again?!" she asks.
    He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."
  6. On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ... ... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.
  7. I only drink on days that start with "T" Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.
  8. SNL does great parodies of presidential debates. For some reason this one is airing on a Tuesday though
  9. I just signed up for a yoga class.... "How flexible are you" asked the instructor
    I said "I can't do Tuesdays"
  10. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

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Tuesday One Liners

Which tuesday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tuesday? I can suggest the ones about tonight and noon.

  1. I'm really excited about the new autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is Open Mike night.
  2. Death Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.
  3. Happy International Women's Day! Or as I like to call it, Taco Tuesday
  4. I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). . We can call it... 2's day
  5. Nothing ruins a Friday more... ...than realizing that today is Tuesday.
  6. What does a taxidermist do on Tuesdays? Nothing special ... just the usual stuff.
  7. What's the worst thing about Fridays? Realizing it's only Tuesday.
  8. Happy Fat Tuesday... Or as your mother calls it, just another day.
  9. I have enough money to last the rest of my life... If I died next Tuesday.
  10. Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate. Tuesday.
  11. How do you make a blond laugh on monday? Tell her a joke on tuesday
  12. I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday.
  13. Told my husband I want to be cremated. He made me an appointment for Tuesday.
  14. What is a stuttering ballerinas favourite day of the week Tu-Tu Tuesday
  15. Febuary 22nd 2022 falls on a tuesday so we will be able to call it 2'sday....

Tuesday Work Jokes

Here is a list of funny tuesday work jokes and even better tuesday work puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday... ...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.
  • why was the computer late to work? because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)
  • What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee? Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...
  • Did you hear about the new airline pilot contract? You will only have to work on Tuesday! 'some guy in the back raises his hand'
    Every Tuesday?
  • Remember, always give 100% of your effort at work 12% on Monday
    23% on Tuesday
    40% on Wednesday
    20% on Thursday
    5% on Friday
  • Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
  • Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
  • A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says w**....

Giving Tuesday Jokes

Here is a list of funny giving tuesday jokes and even better giving tuesday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Give a man a hamburger . . . you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.
  • My wife wanted me to give up poker night with the guys, so I talked her into joining a Bridge club. She jumps next Tuesday.
  • I Always Give 100% 20% on Monday, 20% on Tuesday, 20% on Wednesday...
  • There's a t**... blonde giving quite a show to cars driving by in my neighborhood... The garbage company told her to take her cans out by the side of the road on Tuesday mornings.
Tuesday joke, There's a t**... blonde giving quite a show to cars driving by in my neighborhood...

Tuesday Office Jokes

Here is a list of funny tuesday office jokes and even better tuesday office puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future" The shrink asks, "When did this start?"
    "Next Tuesday"
  • Autocorrect s**...! Look what I've sent to somebody in the office by mistake... - "Next Tuesday I'll lick you, s**... you and bite you all night!"
    - Hahahaha, what did you want to say?
    - *Thursday

Tuesday Morning Jokes

Here is a list of funny tuesday morning jokes and even better tuesday morning puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You say I have a drinking problem... But I won't let you ruin my Tuesday morning buzz.
  • My 3yo told me this joke Tuesday morning...What do Humu Humu fish say on Halloween? Trigger Treat!!
Tuesday joke, My 3yo told me this joke Tuesday morning...What do Humu Humu fish say on Halloween?

Entertaining Tuesday Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

What funny jokes about tuesday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean weekend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tuesday pranks.

So I got a nose job last Tuesday...

It's amazing what h**... will do if you tip them.
(Original joke)

My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

So we're all thinking it by this point!

Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F

Shrove Tuesday

"Dad why is my brother called George?"
"Cos he was born on St George's day"
"Dad why is my brother called David?"
"Cos he was born on St David's day"
"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?)

Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.

If Wednesday is h**... day...

Would that make Tuesday foreplay day?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

ahh, those were the days...

Why are Asian women so excited about Tuesday?

It's e**... Day.


Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?"
The first man answers, "274."
The second man answers, "Tuesday."
The third man answers, "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

As a man in his 70s I still manage to have s**... with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays?

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

When I was in college, I used to have s**... almost EVERY DAY...

...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...


A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry

The Boston snowstorm so was bad the Canadians reported on it.

They called it Tuesday.

Three men are walking to the bar...

The first one says "It's pretty chilly out here, isn't it?"
The second one says "No it's not! It's Tuesday!"
The third one says "So am I. Let's get a beer..."

A Gem Joke that Rocks

Diamond: Hey, Ruby, did you hear that I'm getting embedded into a statue next Tuesday?
Ruby: But we were going fishing on Tuesday! You sure you can't change the date?
Diamond: Sorry Ruby, it's set in stone.

America's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

Everything is a states rights issue with Donald Trump. Whatever he states is right.

ba-dum-tsssssssssssssss. I'll be here Til Tuesday. In case Aimee is looking for me.

Patient: Please help me doctor, I keep seeing into the future.

Doctor: I see. And when did this start?
Patient: Next Tuesday afternoon.

An old man was asked what the trick was to a long and happy marriage with his wife. He replied saying 'We have s**... nearly every day'

Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...

My wife wants to meet new people & have fun, so she made me join a Bridge Club....

...I jump off next Tuesday


After Tuesday, even the calender goes W T F.

Today's Top Joke

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.

Steve asked the preacher to pray for his hearing.

After a few minutes of fervent prayer with his hands clasped over Steve's ears the entire time, he stopped and asked, "How's your hearing now?" Steve replied, "I don't know. It's coming up this Tuesday at the courthouse."

Blessed Are The Red-n**...

What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.
I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?
I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.

I have s**... almost every night!

Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night...

I went for a job interview

I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

What do they call Call Of Duty in the middle east?


I was driving my taxi when a woman waved me down...

She said she wanted to got to the cemetery.
I asked If she needed to be there soon.
She said she wasn't in a rush. So I shot her.
She'll be there by Tuesday.

I've heard that if you choose to do something you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life

Apparently loving to lay on the couch all day, watching TV and doing nothing doesn't apply and my stuff gets repossessed next Tuesday.

Why did the Addams have the late man arrested?

He was expected on Tuesday, but he came on Wednesday.

A recent study shows most Americans like to have s**... on days that begin with T

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

I know why Hillary lost...


Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges?

As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.

My Wife Saw Me l**... A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"

My Wife Saw Me l**... A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"
"Because Yogurt Tastes Better"
The Divorce Is Next Tuesday

Come this Tuesday I will no longer be a 40 year old v**....

I will be a 41 year old v**......

Three old men

Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.
Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?
"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children.

They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.

Why is Sunday stronger than Tuesday?

Because Tuesday is a weekday.

Robert asks a televangelist to pray for his hearing

After five minutes of violent shaking and trying to push the man backwards, the televangelist inquires Robert on the state of his hearing, to which he replies "I don't know, my hearing isn't until Tuesday at the courthouse."

I convinced my girlfriend to get over her fear of skydiving...

Her f**... is on Tuesday.

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.

One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"
A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"
The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"
So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"
The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.

I have s**... almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

My boss asked why I was already late twice this week

"Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.

After 30 years of marriage, people always ask, "What's the secret of keeping the romance alive?" I always tell them...

We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week...
I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**...

He asks, "Mommy, what are you doing to Daddy?"
She thinks fast and says "Daddy's too fat, so I'm trying to flatten him out".
"Why bother? Every Tuesday the maid comes in and blows him back up again!"

I heard Roy Moore fell off the wagon after losing on Tuesday...

Several sources claim he was heard repeatedly asking for a decent 15 year old Brandy.

My wife wants me to lose 180 pounds this year for my new year's resolution.

I'm serving her with the divorce papers on Tuesday.

[OC] So a Comcast technician asks a woman on a date

Surprisingly, she says yes. He says "Great! Be at your house on Tuesday and I'll pick you up anywhere from 11am to 6pm." - Inspired by my recent internet installation experience.

It's Pancake Tuesday already...

Really creped up on me.

I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday

What follows four days of rain in Seattle?


I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday

What's the best day to make a decision?


A man tells his bartender, "I gave my wife instructions that I wanted to be cremated."

"She got me an appointment for next Tuesday."

I have s**... with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

Today I held open a door for a feminist

My court hearing is scheduled for next Tuesday.

Tuesday joke, Today I held open a door for a feminist

jokes about tuesday