Tuesday Jokes

Following is our collection of thursday humor and yesterday one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Tuesday puns for adults, dirty memorial jokes or clean april gags for kids.

There is an abundance of causal jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 79 funniest jokes on tuesday. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any tonight witze you can hear about tuesday.

The Best jokes about Tuesday

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

I have sex with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.

Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....


I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

Time Machine

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

Three old men

Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.

Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?

"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.

"Drunk again?!" she asks.

He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."


On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

I only drink on days that start with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

Happy International Women's Day!

Or as I like to call it, Taco Tuesday

SNL does great parodies of presidential debates.

For some reason this one is airing on a Tuesday though

A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:

How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.

A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.


I have sex almost every night!

Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night...

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex

He asks, "Mommy, what are you doing to Daddy?"


She thinks fast and says "Daddy's too fat, so I'm trying to flatten him out".


"Why bother? Every Tuesday the maid comes in and blows him back up again!"

Not Going to Like Thursday

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian food? The new guy says, "Yeah I like Italian food." On Tuesday in the cafeteria, it is all Italian food. Do you like baseball? The new guy says, "I love baseball." Every Wednesday we have a pick up game and everyone plays even the guards, it is really fun. The old guy says, "One more question, are you by any chance a homosexual?" The new guy says, "no I'm not." Ah, you're not going to like Thursday.

I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children.

They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.

When I was in college, I used to have sex almost EVERY DAY...

...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...

Three idiots

Three idiots are in a mental institution. They're being evaluated by a doctor to see if they can go home.

He asks the first one: "What is 20 times 4". "70000" says the first one.

So he asks the second idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Tuesday!" says the second idiot.

He asks the third idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Easy, 80!", he says. "Correct", the doctor says. "You can go home. If you don't mind me asking, how did you know the answer?" "Well it was easy" says the idiot. "I just devided 70000 by Tuesday!"

Prison joke (NSFW)

First day in prison, a new young prisoner looks scared. Old guy looks at him and says "Are you scared? New guys meekly says "yes". Old guy says "it isn't bad. Do you like baseball?" New guy says "Yes". Old guy say "Every Monday, we have a softball game." Old guy asks "You like movies?". New guy says "Yes". Old guy says "Well every Tuesday, is movie night and they play first run movies." Old guy asks, "Do you like singing?". New guy says "yes". Old guy says, "every Wednesday, we have karaoke." Old guy asks, "Are you a homosexual?" New guy says "Nope." Old guy says, "you not going to like Thursdays."

Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges?

As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.

New inmate at prison.

A new inmate arrives at prison and he is visibly scared and nervous when he is approached by a veteran inmate.

"Hey man, it's not so bad here. Let me ask you something, do you like movies?"

"Yeah, I like movies."

"Great! Every Monday we have a movie night. Let me ask you something else. Do you like baseball?"

"Yes, I like baseball."

"Great! Every Tuesday we go outside and play baseball in the yard. Let me ask you, do you like Italian food?"

"Yes, I do."

"That's fantastic! Every Wednesday we have a pasta night. Now let me ask you one more thing. You aren't by any chance a homosexual, are you?"

"No. No, I am not."

"Ohhh...well you're not going to like Thursdays."

Baseball

A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry

Patrick was drinking heavily on a Tuesday night at his local pub.

He raised his glass and proclaimed, in toast, "here's to spending the rest of me life, layin' in bed next to me wife."

The toast was met with raucous cheers and applause. Patrick was given the toast of the night award, given out on every Tuesday at the pub.

When he brought the trophy home to his wife Patty she asked him what he said to get the prestigious award. Treading carefully, he replied "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sittin' in church next to me wife."

The next day Patty was shopping in the market when she ran into Patrick's best friend, also named Patrick. "What a great toast Patrick had last night" Patrick said excitedly.

Patty agreed, albeit a little confused, "yeah but I don't know where it came from, we only do that twice a year and when we do I have to pull Patrick's ear to get him to come."

I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). .

We can call it... 2's day

I went for a job interview

I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.

"Violent when disappointed," I replied.

I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

A man walks into a bar and orders two beers...

He then explained to the bartender "one of these beers is for me, and the other for my buddy that saved my live during the war who lives across the ocean." The bartender, honored by the veteran, gladly provides the beers and the man drinks them both.

Every Tuesday for fifty years this man would come to the same bar and order the two drinks. However, one night the man comes in, looking sad. He tells the bartender "Only one beer tonight please."

The bartender and the regular customers are shocked and saddened. The bartender brings him his drink and says "I'm sorry about your friend".

The man replies "Oh, my buddy is fine, I just converted to Mormanism."

So I got a nose job last Tuesday...

It's amazing what hookers will do if you tip them.

(Original joke)

I run a support group for premature ejaculators every Tuesday.

Officially it starts at seven, but everyone comes early.

Dementia

Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?"
The first man answers, "274."
The second man answers, "Tuesday."
The third man answers, "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

It's a convict's first day in prison

he's a young convict and here's there crying. An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place. Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.' He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's great.' He goes, 'And you like baseball?' He goes, 'Yeah.' 'Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game.' He goes, 'That's terrific.' And he goes, 'You like Italian food?' And he goes, 'Yeah I love Italian food.' He goes, 'In the cafeteria on Wednesday, it's all Italian food. Let me ask you one more thing. Are you a homosexual?' And he goes, 'No.' He goes, 'Eh, you're not going to like Thursday.'

Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

The man thought for a moment and answered, "274."

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

The third man quickly answers, "Nine."

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Today's Top Joke

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

Nothing ruins a Friday more...

...than realizing that today is Tuesday.

My boss asked why I was already late twice this week

"Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.

During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.

One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

Cowboy and the memorizing Indian

A cowboy walks into a saloon. The bartender says "Hey, wanna see something really interesting? That Indian over in the corner can remember ANYTHING. If you ask him anything about his life, he'll remember the answer." Cowboy thinks that sounds pretty cool, so he wanders over to the ancient Indian, sitting alone in the corner. He says "So chief, what did you eat for breakfast last Tuesday?" The Indian stares at him for a long moment before replying "eggs". The cowboy thinks "He could just be making that up." But he doesn't really care, and wanders away. The cowboy strikes it rich, finds a ton of gold, and returns to town a wealthy man. He goes back into the saloon and sees the same Indian sitting in the same corner. He gets a little loaded, and feeling like a big man, he swaggers over to the Indian and says "HOW". The Indian stares at him for a long moment before replying "Scrambled."

For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday...

...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Ahh, those were the days...

What's the worst thing about Fridays?

Realizing it's only Tuesday.

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.

They just don't make them like their going to anymore.

why was the computer late to work?

because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

I once loved two girls at the same time

I used to live between two girls. Kate, a smart and funny brunette and Edith, a sexy and mischeivous blonde. I hit it off well with both girls and so, thought I could date them both. I would spend Monday, Wednesday and Friday with Kate, and Tuesday, Thursday and Sautrday with Edith. I would alternate Sundays between Kate and Edith.

One Sunday, Kate invited me out bowling. We had a fantastic time, but as I walked Kate home, Edith was standing outside my house, expecting to spend Sunday with me. The two girls immediately understood what was going on and slapped me before walking home.

It was then I learned what they say is true,you can't have your Kate, and Edith too

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.

I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?

I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.

My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?)

Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.

I have enough money to last the rest of my life...

If I died next Tuesday.

Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate.

Tuesday.

Happy Fat Tuesday...

Or as your mother calls it, just another day.

How do you make a blond laugh on monday?

Tell her a joke on tuesday

Why are Asian women so excited about Tuesday?

It's Erection Day.

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"

The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."

The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."

Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

Shrove Tuesday

"Dad why is my brother called George?"

"Cos he was born on St George's day"

"Dad why is my brother called David?"

"Cos he was born on St David's day"

"Dad.."

"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."

A young man was sent to prison,

Upon his arrival an older man welcomed him to make sure he was comfortable.
The older man asked "Do you like baseball?" the young man replied "of course, I loved playing it as a kid" the older man said "we'll that's great we play baseball all day Monday".
The older man asked "Do you like movies?" The young man replied, "yes, I love watching a good movie" the older man replied "that's great, Tuesday is movie night."
Next the old man asked "Do you like Italian food?" The young man replied "yes, that's actually my favorite". The old man replied "Wonderful, on Wednesdays its Italian food night in the cafeteria".
Lastly the old man ask "Son, are you a homosexual?" The young man replied "No sir, I have a wife on the outside. The older man replied "Well young man, you're not going to enjoy Thursday nights."

It was a lot easier to keep track of the days of the week back then

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.

Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"

A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"

The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"

So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"

The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.

What is a stuttering ballerinas favourite day of the week

Tu-Tu Tuesday

I convinced my girlfriend to get over her fear of skydiving...

Her funeral is on Tuesday.

I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday

My wife wants me to lose 180 pounds this year for my new year's resolution.

I'm serving her with the divorce papers on Tuesday.

My wife wants to meet new people & have fun, so she made me join a Bridge Club....

...I jump off next Tuesday

I've heard that if you choose to do something you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life

Apparently loving to lay on the couch all day, watching TV and doing nothing doesn't apply and my stuff gets repossessed next Tuesday.

What follows four days of rain in Seattle?

Tuesday

Money-wise I'm set for life,

Provided I die next Tuesday

Today I held open a door for a feminist

My court hearing is scheduled for next Tuesday.

A Gem Joke that Rocks

Diamond: Hey, Ruby, did you hear that I'm getting embedded into a statue next Tuesday?

Ruby: But we were going fishing on Tuesday! You sure you can't change the date?

Diamond: Sorry Ruby, it's set in stone.

[OC] So a Comcast technician asks a woman on a date

Surprisingly, she says yes. He says "Great! Be at your house on Tuesday and I'll pick you up anywhere from 11am to 6pm." - Inspired by my recent internet installation experience.

A recent study shows most Americans like to have sex on days that begin with T

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

Mary walked into HR

Mary: I need to file a sexual harassment against Jim.

HR: why what did he do?

M: on Monday he walked up behind me in the kitchen and sniffed my hair. Saying I smelled good.

On Tuesday he did it again but that time he got closer.

And then today he dug his nose into my hair for at lease 10 seconds and said I smell sooo good

HR: well that is creepy, but that is really not him sexual harassment. Just invading person space.

M: you know Jim is a midget right!

HR: ohhhhhh

What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee?

Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...

People say its a Case of the Mondays

Tuesday is when you realize it's a preexisting condition

So its pancake Tuesday today

That surely crepe'd up on us

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes