tuesday Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious tuesday puns

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

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I have sex with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

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I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him...

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

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Calling in sick...

A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go.

The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the rest of the week selling record amounts of computers and TVs and other goods.

The following Monday, the boss got a call - it was the new employee calling in. "Sorry boss - I'm really sick!" The boss was getting more annoyed with him.

Tuesday the young guy was in and selling even more than last week. He finished up the week making a new record for sales for his state.

Next Monday the new guy called in sick again and the boss decided it was time for a chat with him.

So on Tuesday the guy rocks up to work and the boss pulls him aside.
"Bob, you're a great salesman, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays - What's going on?"

"Well boss. My sister's just gone through an awful divorce and she calls me every Monday morning crying, so I go over to her house and comfort her. We always wind up making love for the rest of the day..."

"THAT'S SICK!"

"I told you..."

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Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

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As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"

 

The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

 
Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

 
Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

 
Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"

 
The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

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I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

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The Word "Penis" is written on a chalkboard...

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.

"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

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Time Machine

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

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I have sex almost everyday

Almost Monday
Almost Tuesday
Almost Wednesday
Almost Thursday
Almost Friday
Almost Saturday
Almost Sunday

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A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

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Three old men

Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.

Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?

"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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I bought a time machine.

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

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ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

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A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.

"Drunk again?!" she asks.

He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."

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What do you get then you divide a poop in three pieces?

Turds


(Well shit - I do my best proof reading after I post - it should have been when not then - fuck me its a Tuesday)

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On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

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My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

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Three idiots

Three idiots are in a mental institution. They're being evaluated by a doctor to see if they can go home.

He asks the first one: "What is 20 times 4". "70000" says the first one.

So he asks the second idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Tuesday!" says the second idiot.

He asks the third idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Easy, 80!", he says. "Correct", the doctor says. "You can go home. If you don't mind me asking, how did you know the answer?" "Well it was easy" says the idiot. "I just devided 70000 by Tuesday!"

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I only drink on days that start with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

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Happy International Women's Day!

Or as I like to call it, Taco Tuesday

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A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:

How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.

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Pass the Marmalade

Two friends are in a bar having a drink and discussing their long working week.

"So on Tuesday, my secretary tells me I have to make a last minute flight to Pittsburgh for a conference. So I rush to the airport. The woman at the ticket desk was extremely attractive and I was so flustered that instead of saying, 'Can I have two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I said, 'Can I have two pickets to Tittsburgh.' It was very embarrassing."

"I know exactly how you feel. A similar thing happened to me the other day. I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant so say, "Honey, could you please pass the marmalade," but I accidentally said, "You Stupid Bitch You RUINED MY LIFE!!!"

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A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

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I have sex almost every night!

Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night...

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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex

He asks, "Mommy, what are you doing to Daddy?"


She thinks fast and says "Daddy's too fat, so I'm trying to flatten him out".


"Why bother? Every Tuesday the maid comes in and blows him back up again!"

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Please listen closely...

Attention: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII and Wednesday comes *after* Tuesday.

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Not Going to Like Thursday

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian food? The new guy says, "Yeah I like Italian food." On Tuesday in the cafeteria, it is all Italian food. Do you like baseball? The new guy says, "I love baseball." Every Wednesday we have a pick up game and everyone plays even the guards, it is really fun. The old guy says, "One more question, are you by any chance a homosexual?" The new guy says, "no I'm not." Ah, you're not going to like Thursday.

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I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children.

They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.

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When I was in college, I used to have sex almost EVERY DAY...

...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...

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Prison joke (NSFW)

First day in prison, a new young prisoner looks scared. Old guy looks at him and says "Are you scared? New guys meekly says "yes". Old guy says "it isn't bad. Do you like baseball?" New guy says "Yes". Old guy say "Every Monday, we have a softball game." Old guy asks "You like movies?". New guy says "Yes". Old guy says "Well every Tuesday, is movie night and they play first run movies." Old guy asks, "Do you like singing?". New guy says "yes". Old guy says, "every Wednesday, we have karaoke." Old guy asks, "Are you a homosexual?" New guy says "Nope." Old guy says, "you not going to like Thursdays."

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Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges?

As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.

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New inmate at prison.

A new inmate arrives at prison and he is visibly scared and nervous when he is approached by a veteran inmate.

"Hey man, it's not so bad here. Let me ask you something, do you like movies?"

"Yeah, I like movies."

"Great! Every Monday we have a movie night. Let me ask you something else. Do you like baseball?"

"Yes, I like baseball."

"Great! Every Tuesday we go outside and play baseball in the yard. Let me ask you, do you like Italian food?"

"Yes, I do."

"That's fantastic! Every Wednesday we have a pasta night. Now let me ask you one more thing. You aren't by any chance a homosexual, are you?"

"No. No, I am not."

"Ohhh...well you're not going to like Thursdays."

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I went for a job interview

I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.

"Violent when disappointed," I replied.

I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

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Baseball

A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry

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I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). .

We can call it... 2's day

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Patrick was drinking heavily on a Tuesday night at his local pub.

He raised his glass and proclaimed, in toast, "here's to spending the rest of me life, layin' in bed next to me wife."

The toast was met with raucous cheers and applause. Patrick was given the toast of the night award, given out on every Tuesday at the pub.

When he brought the trophy home to his wife Patty she asked him what he said to get the prestigious award. Treading carefully, he replied "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sittin' in church next to me wife."

The next day Patty was shopping in the market when she ran into Patrick's best friend, also named Patrick. "What a great toast Patrick had last night" Patrick said excitedly.

Patty agreed, albeit a little confused, "yeah but I don't know where it came from, we only do that twice a year and when we do I have to pull Patrick's ear to get him to come."

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A man walks into a bar and orders two beers...

He then explained to the bartender "one of these beers is for me, and the other for my buddy that saved my live during the war who lives across the ocean." The bartender, honored by the veteran, gladly provides the beers and the man drinks them both.

Every Tuesday for fifty years this man would come to the same bar and order the two drinks. However, one night the man comes in, looking sad. He tells the bartender "Only one beer tonight please."

The bartender and the regular customers are shocked and saddened. The bartender brings him his drink and says "I'm sorry about your friend".

The man replies "Oh, my buddy is fine, I just converted to Mormanism."

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So I got a nose job last Tuesday...

It's amazing what hookers will do if you tip them.

(Original joke)

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Dementia

Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?"
The first man answers, "274."
The second man answers, "Tuesday."
The third man answers, "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

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I run a support group for premature ejaculators every Tuesday.

Officially it starts at seven, but everyone comes early.

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It's a convict's first day in prison

he's a young convict and here's there crying. An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place. Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.' He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's great.' He goes, 'And you like baseball?' He goes, 'Yeah.' 'Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game.' He goes, 'That's terrific.' And he goes, 'You like Italian food?' And he goes, 'Yeah I love Italian food.' He goes, 'In the cafeteria on Wednesday, it's all Italian food. Let me ask you one more thing. Are you a homosexual?' And he goes, 'No.' He goes, 'Eh, you're not going to like Thursday.'

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Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, I don't have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday. The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, I told you, I don't have any bagels. I won't have any bagels till Thursday. The woman says okay and leaves.

On Wednesday, the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels.
The baker says, Ma'am, how do you spell CAT in catastrophe?
She says C-A-T.
He asks, How do you spell DOG in dogmatic?
She says D-O-G.
He then asks, How do you spell FUCK in bagels?
She says, Sir, there is no fuck in bagels! , and he replies
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.

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Today's Top Joke

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

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My boss asked why I was already late twice this week

"Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.

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Nothing ruins a Friday more...

...than realizing that today is Tuesday.

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During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.

One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

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Cowboy and the memorizing Indian

A cowboy walks into a saloon. The bartender says "Hey, wanna see something really interesting? That Indian over in the corner can remember ANYTHING. If you ask him anything about his life, he'll remember the answer." Cowboy thinks that sounds pretty cool, so he wanders over to the ancient Indian, sitting alone in the corner. He says "So chief, what did you eat for breakfast last Tuesday?" The Indian stares at him for a long moment before replying "eggs". The cowboy thinks "He could just be making that up." But he doesn't really care, and wanders away. The cowboy strikes it rich, finds a ton of gold, and returns to town a wealthy man. He goes back into the saloon and sees the same Indian sitting in the same corner. He gets a little loaded, and feeling like a big man, he swaggers over to the Indian and says "HOW". The Indian stares at him for a long moment before replying "Scrambled."

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A hippie, a nun, and a bus driver

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

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I have sex almost everyday...

... Almost had sex on monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday I almost had sex...

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For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday...

...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.

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Last week I almost had sex every day...

almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

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Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Ahh, those were the days...

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What's the worst thing about Fridays?

Realizing it's only Tuesday.

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Gregorian Calendar

Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg Saturday: Ian Sunday: Greg

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why was the computer late to work?

because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)

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Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

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I once loved two girls at the same time

I used to live between two girls. Kate, a smart and funny brunette and Edith, a sexy and mischeivous blonde. I hit it off well with both girls and so, thought I could date them both. I would spend Monday, Wednesday and Friday with Kate, and Tuesday, Thursday and Sautrday with Edith. I would alternate Sundays between Kate and Edith.

One Sunday, Kate invited me out bowling. We had a fantastic time, but as I walked Kate home, Edith was standing outside my house, expecting to spend Sunday with me. The two girls immediately understood what was going on and slapped me before walking home.

It was then I learned what they say is true,you can't have your Kate, and Edith too

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My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?)

Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.

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Blessed Are The Red-Necked

What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.

I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?

I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.

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I have enough money to last the rest of my life...

If I died next Tuesday.

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Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate.

Tuesday.

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Happy Fat Tuesday...

Or as your mother calls it, just another day.

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What do they call the Hunger Games in Africa?

Tuesday.

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Why are Asian women so excited about Tuesday?

It's Erection Day.

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Never trust a bus driver

A nun gets on a bus and sits next to a hippie. The hippie asks her if she wants to have sex. Shocked the nun says no and leaves the bus. The bus driver says that she visits the local graveyard every Tuesdays and Thursdays at night. He also says that he should dress up like a ghost to persuade the nun. So Tuesday comes up and he dresses up like a ghost and sure enough the nun comes by. He presented himself and said that they should make love. The nun says yes but only wants to do anal so she could remain a virgin. So they finish up and the hippie starts running. While the hippie is running he yells "jokes on you I'm the hippie" then the nun said "jokes on you I'm the bus driver."

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A young man was sent to prison,

Upon his arrival an older man welcomed him to make sure he was comfortable.
The older man asked "Do you like baseball?" the young man replied "of course, I loved playing it as a kid" the older man said "we'll that's great we play baseball all day Monday".
The older man asked "Do you like movies?" The young man replied, "yes, I love watching a good movie" the older man replied "that's great, Tuesday is movie night."
Next the old man asked "Do you like Italian food?" The young man replied "yes, that's actually my favorite". The old man replied "Wonderful, on Wednesdays its Italian food night in the cafeteria".
Lastly the old man ask "Son, are you a homosexual?" The young man replied "No sir, I have a wife on the outside. The older man replied "Well young man, you're not going to enjoy Thursday nights."

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Shrove Tuesday

"Dad why is my brother called George?"

"Cos he was born on St George's day"

"Dad why is my brother called David?"

"Cos he was born on St David's day"

"Dad.."

"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."

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A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"

The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."

The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."

Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

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It was a lot easier to keep track of the days of the week back then

Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.

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Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"

A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"

The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"

So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"

The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.

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What is a stuttering ballerinas favourite day of the week

Tu-Tu Tuesday

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I convinced my girlfriend to get over her fear of skydiving...

Her funeral is on Tuesday.

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Why is the calendar surprised after Tuesday?

Because it goes WTF

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What does the day of election and Taco Tuesday have in common?

So much shit is going down today.

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I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday

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Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...

... Those were the days.

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I've heard that if you choose to do something you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life

Apparently loving to lay on the couch all day, watching TV and doing nothing doesn't apply and my stuff gets repossessed next Tuesday.

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What follows four days of rain in Seattle?

Tuesday

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Today I held open a door for a feminist

My court hearing is scheduled for next Tuesday.

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My wife wants to meet new people & have fun, so she made me join a Bridge Club....

...I jump off next Tuesday

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My wife wants me to lose 180 pounds this year for my new year's resolution.

I'm serving her with the divorce papers on Tuesday.

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Tricking a nun.

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

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A Gem Joke that Rocks

Diamond: Hey, Ruby, did you hear that I'm getting embedded into a statue next Tuesday?

Ruby: But we were going fishing on Tuesday! You sure you can't change the date?

Diamond: Sorry Ruby, it's set in stone.

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I have sex almost every day!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

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[OC] So a Comcast technician asks a woman on a date

Surprisingly, she says yes. He says "Great! Be at your house on Tuesday and I'll pick you up anywhere from 11am to 6pm." - Inspired by my recent internet installation experience.

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A recent study shows most Americans like to have sex on days that begin with T

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

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Mary walked into HR

Mary: I need to file a sexual harassment against Jim.

HR: why what did he do?

M: on Monday he walked up behind me in the kitchen and sniffed my hair. Saying I smelled good.

On Tuesday he did it again but that time he got closer.

And then today he dug his nose into my hair for at lease 10 seconds and said I smell sooo good

HR: well that is creepy, but that is really not him sexual harassment. Just invading person space.

M: you know Jim is a midget right!

HR: ohhhhhh

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Pavlov's doorbell

One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: "Shit, I need to feed the dogs!"

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What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee?

Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...

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So its pancake Tuesday today

That surely crepe'd up on us

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Happy International Women's Day

Or its better known name, Just Another Made Up Holiday No One Gives A Fuck About Day. or my favorite, Tuesday.

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I'd like to brag that after a full year of marriage I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday!

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What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays?

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

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Terrible dad joke

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday : Ian

Friday: Greg

Saturday: Ian

Sunday: Greg

The Gregorian calendar.

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Give a man a hamburger . . .

you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.

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Robert asks a televangelist to pray for his hearing

After five minutes of violent shaking and trying to push the man backwards, the televangelist inquires Robert on the state of his hearing, to which he replies "I don't know, my hearing isn't until Tuesday at the courthouse."

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So we're all thinking it by this point!

Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F

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the secret of a good marriage

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesday, I go Friday.

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It's Pancake Tuesday already...

Really creped up on me.

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Why is Sunday stronger than Tuesday?

Because Tuesday is a weekday.

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Steve asked the preacher to pray for his hearing.

After a few minutes of fervent prayer with his hands clasped over Steve's ears the entire time, he stopped and asked, "How's your hearing now?" Steve replied, "I don't know. It's coming up this Tuesday at the courthouse."

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After 30 years of marriage, people always ask, "What's the secret of keeping the romance alive?" I always tell them...

We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week...

I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays.

Credit - Henny Youngman

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Patient: Please help me doctor, I keep seeing into the future.

Doctor: I see. And when did this start?

Patient: Next Tuesday afternoon.

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I heard Roy Moore fell off the wagon after losing on Tuesday...

Several sources claim he was heard repeatedly asking for a decent 15 year old Brandy.

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Everything is a states rights issue with Donald Trump. Whatever he states is right.

ba-dum-tsssssssssssssss. I'll be here Til Tuesday. In case Aimee is looking for me.

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An old man was asked what the trick was to a long and happy marriage with his wife. He replied saying 'We have sex nearly every day'

Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...

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I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday

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A kid in a tracksuit called to my door last night and said Trick or treat

Its not Halloween till Tuesday. What are you even supposed to be?

I'm a ware wolf he said with a cheeky grin.

But you're not even wearing a costume

Well it's not a fucking full moon yet dickhead he said before kicking me in the shins and running away laughing.

Kids these days...

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I was driving my taxi when a woman waved me down...

She said she wanted to got to the cemetery.
I asked If she needed to be there soon.
She said she wasn't in a rush. So I shot her.
She'll be there by Tuesday.

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What do they call Call Of Duty in the middle east?

Tuesday

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The Boston snowstorm so was bad the Canadians reported on it.

They called it Tuesday.

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My Wife Saw Me Licking A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"

My Wife Saw Me Licking A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"

"Because Yogurt Tastes Better"

The Divorce Is Next Tuesday

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What's the best day to make a decision?

Tuesday

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A man tells his bartender, "I gave my wife instructions that I wanted to be cremated."

"She got me an appointment for next Tuesday."

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After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

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Come this Tuesday I will no longer be a 40 year old virgin.

I will be a 41 year old virgin...

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Why did the Addams have the late man arrested?

He was expected on Tuesday, but he came on Wednesday.

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Liquor store rape reported

A man called police on Tuesday regarding his wife being locked inside of his local liquor store. He had apparently been waiting in the car whilst his spouse went in for drinks. 39 minutes passed without her return. Suspicious, he went to the doors to find them locked. Panic set in and he called the local authorities. Upon arrival they opened the doors to a vacant business. Inspecting the location they entered the storage room to find his wife strapped to the storage shelf naked. The employees on duty were found licking her exposed form. Police released the woman and no charges could be pressed as they had their liquor license.

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is anyone..

is anyone else excited for the season finale of America on Tuesday?

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Working days

I work only for Monday and Tuesday. Because after that even the week says WTF?!...

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The inventor of the disappointing punchline has died.

His funeral will be held on Tuesday at 2pm.

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I asked my Latina coworker if she wanted Taco Tuesday for lunch break.

She said absolutely, but let's grab food first.

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W T F

After Tuesday, even the calender goes W T F.

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I know why Hillary lost...

... because SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY!

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Vocabulary lesson

Every Tuesday Mrs. Smith teaches her third grade class a new vocabulary word. This weeks word is "definitely."

"Can any of you use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

A small hand goes up in the front of the class, and little Susie says, "The sky is definitely blue!"

"Close" replies the teacher, "but sometimes the sky is orange, or purple, or even pink. Anyone else?

Another small hand goes up, and billy says, "The tree is definitely green!"

"Close" replies the teacher, "but sometimes trees are brown, or yellow, or even red. Anyone else?"

Another hand goes up in the back. "Yes, Timmy?" Prompts Mrs. Smith.

"Do farts have lumps?" He asks.

"TIMMY!" Mrs. Smith exclaims "What does that have to do with--"

"Do farts have lumps!?" He asks again.

"Well, no." She answers "But I still don't see what that--"

"Well then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

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A man walks into a restaurant with a pie on his head.

The waiter asks, "Why are you wearing a pie on your head?"

The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pies on our heads on Wednesday."

The waiter remarks, "But it's Tuesday today."

The man says, "Oh, damn! I must look like a total idiot."

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My crush asked me to dab

So I did what I had to do....Her funeral's on Tuesday

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You say I have a drinking problem...

But I won't let you ruin my Tuesday morning buzz.

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Blonde Jokes

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? You pull the pin and throw it back!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Tuesday.

Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because they can't find the 11.

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."


Now your turn!

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America's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

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To limit my smoking...

I only smoke on days that start with 'T'... like Tuesday, Thursday, today, and tomorrow.

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When's ladies' night at the Mexican restaurant?

Taco Tuesday

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So today is Valentine's Day.....

But if you are single it is taco Tuesday

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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life

...if I die next Tuesday.

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My wife made me join a bridge club.

I jump off next Tuesday.

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What is Donald Trumps least favorite day of the week?

Taco Tuesday.

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Ever since I got married I have sex almost every day.

I almost had sex on Monday. I almost had sex on Tuesday...

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Does Hellen Keller celebrate Black Friday?

Maybe. For all she knows it's Tuesday...

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After Tuesday, even the calendar goes...

W T F!

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We were going to play Dungeons & Dragons on Monday, but decided to play the next day.

THACO Tuesday

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The weather in hell

Monday - hail satan
Tuesday - rain satan
Wednesday - snow satan
Thursday - a 90% chance of precipisatan




Friday - Sunday: NO WEEKENDS IN HELL

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My wife wanted me to give up poker night with the guys, so I talked her into joining a Bridge club.

She jumps next Tuesday.

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How did the french man feel on Tuesday?

Mardi

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What did the Los Angeles Lakers finish on tuesday?

Kim Kardashian's chest.

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What are the best Tuesday puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Tuesday? Well, here are the best jokes about Tuesday to have fun with.

Joko Jokes