Tuesday Jokes
146 tuesday jokes and hilarious tuesday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tuesday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a laugh on a Tuesday, look no further than these jokes. From clean jokes to laugh-out-loud funny, we've got the best jokes to make your day.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Tuesday Short Jokes
Short tuesday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tuesday humour may include short tuesday work jokes also.
- Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar
- I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T. Tuesday, Thursday and Today.
- Time Machine I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
- ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
- A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night... He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too." - On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ... ... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.
- I only drink on days that start with "T" Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.
- SNL does great parodies of presidential debates. For some reason this one is airing on a Tuesday though
- I just signed up for a yoga class.... "How flexible are you" asked the instructor
I said "I can't do Tuesdays" - I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
Share These Tuesday Jokes With Friends
Tuesday One Liners
Which tuesday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tuesday? I can suggest the ones about tonight and noon.
- Happy International Women's Day! Or as I like to call it, Taco Tuesday
- Nothing ruins a Friday more... ...than realizing that today is Tuesday.
- What does a taxidermist do on Tuesdays? Nothing special ... just the usual stuff.
- What's the worst thing about Fridays? Realizing it's only Tuesday.
- Happy Fat Tuesday... Or as your mother calls it, just another day.
- I have enough money to last the rest of my life... If I died next Tuesday.
- Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate. Tuesday.
- Told my husband I want to be cremated. He made me an appointment for Tuesday.
- What is a stuttering ballerinas favourite day of the week Tu-Tu Tuesday
- My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
- What follows four days of rain in Seattle? Tuesday
- What day of the week do Mexicans play D&D? THAC0 Tuesday
- Have you heard about Bill Cosby's new restaurant? It's called Roofy Tuesday's.
- What's the best day to make a decision? Tuesday
- What do they call Call Of Duty in the middle east? Tuesday
Tuesday Work Jokes
Here is a list of funny tuesday work jokes and even better tuesday work puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday... ...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.
- why was the computer late to work? because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)
- What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee? Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...
- Did you hear about the new airline pilot contract? You will only have to work on Tuesday! 'some guy in the back raises his hand'
Every Tuesday? - Remember, always give 100% of your effort at work 12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday
Giving Tuesday Jokes
Here is a list of funny giving tuesday jokes and even better giving tuesday puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Give a man a hamburger . . . you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.
- My wife wanted me to give up poker night with the guys, so I talked her into joining a Bridge club. She jumps next Tuesday.
- I Always Give 100% 20% on Monday, 20% on Tuesday, 20% on Wednesday...
Tuesday Office Jokes
Here is a list of funny tuesday office jokes and even better tuesday office puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future" The shrink asks, "When did this start?"
"Next Tuesday"
Tuesday Morning Jokes
Here is a list of funny tuesday morning jokes and even better tuesday morning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You say I have a drinking problem... But I won't let you ruin my Tuesday morning buzz.
- My 3yo told me this joke Tuesday morning...What do Humu Humu fish say on Halloween? Trigger Treat!!
Entertaining Tuesday Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about tuesday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean weekend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tuesday pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I got a nose job last Tuesday...
It's amazing what h**... will do if you tip them.
(Original joke)
A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.
The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."
So we're all thinking it by this point!
Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
Shrove Tuesday
"Dad why is my brother called George?"
"Cos he was born on St George's day"
"Dad why is my brother called David?"
"Cos he was born on St David's day"
"Dad.."
"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."
My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.
My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?)
Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Wednesday is h**... day...
Would that make Tuesday foreplay day?
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
ahh, those were the days...
Blonde Jokes
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? You pull the pin and throw it back!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Tuesday.
Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because they can't find the 11.
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Now your turn!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Asian women so excited about Tuesday?
It's e**... Day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a man in his 70s I still manage to have s**... with my wife almost every day...
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....
What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays?
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was in college, I used to have s**... almost EVERY DAY...
...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...
Baseball
A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry
The Boston snowstorm so was bad the Canadians reported on it.
They called it Tuesday.
Three men are walking to the bar...
The first one says "It's pretty chilly out here, isn't it?"
The second one says "No it's not! It's Tuesday!"
The third one says "So am I. Let's get a beer..."
A Gem Joke that Rocks
Diamond: Hey, Ruby, did you hear that I'm getting embedded into a statue next Tuesday?
Ruby: But we were going fishing on Tuesday! You sure you can't change the date?
Diamond: Sorry Ruby, it's set in stone.
America's fattest man has died.
The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.
Everything is a states rights issue with Donald Trump. Whatever he states is right.
ba-dum-tsssssssssssssss. I'll be here Til Tuesday. In case Aimee is looking for me.
To limit my smoking...
I only smoke on days that start with 'T'... like Tuesday, Thursday, today, and tomorrow.
Patient: Please help me doctor, I keep seeing into the future.
Doctor: I see. And when did this start?
Patient: Next Tuesday afternoon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man was asked what the trick was to a long and happy marriage with his wife. He replied saying 'We have s**... nearly every day'
Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...
W T F
After Tuesday, even the calender goes W T F.
A mathematician goes into an insane asylum
He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.
Steve asked the preacher to pray for his hearing.
After a few minutes of fervent prayer with his hands clasped over Steve's ears the entire time, he stopped and asked, "How's your hearing now?" Steve replied, "I don't know. It's coming up this Tuesday at the courthouse."
You know what's really great about being a Democrat in Texas on Super Tuesday?
No waiting in line. (An hour and a half wait if you were a Republican.)
The Church of Scientology is suing an innocent time traveler.
All he said was that he'd see them last Tuesday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blessed Are The Red-n**...
What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.
I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?
I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.
I went for a job interview
I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
What did the Los Angeles Lakers finish on tuesday?
Kim Kardashian's chest.
A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving my taxi when a woman waved me down...
She said she wanted to got to the cemetery.
I asked If she needed to be there soon.
She said she wasn't in a rush. So I shot her.
She'll be there by Tuesday.
I've heard that if you choose to do something you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life
Apparently loving to lay on the couch all day, watching TV and doing nothing doesn't apply and my stuff gets repossessed next Tuesday.
Why did the Addams have the late man arrested?
He was expected on Tuesday, but he came on Wednesday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A recent study shows most Americans like to have s**... on days that begin with T
Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow
Why is the American Presidential Election always on a Tuesday?
Because Tuesday is choose-day.
I know why Hillary lost...
... because SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges?
As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Wife Saw Me l**... A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"
My Wife Saw Me l**... A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"
"Because Yogurt Tastes Better"
The Divorce Is Next Tuesday
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Come this Tuesday I will no longer be a 40 year old v**....
I will be a 41 year old v**......
When's ladies' night at the Mexican restaurant?
Taco Tuesday
Three old men
Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.
Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?
"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
So today is Valentine's Day.....
But if you are single it is taco Tuesday
I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children.
They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.
Robert asks a televangelist to pray for his hearing
After five minutes of violent shaking and trying to push the man backwards, the televangelist inquires Robert on the state of his hearing, to which he replies "I don't know, my hearing isn't until Tuesday at the courthouse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I convinced my girlfriend to get over her fear of skydiving...
Her f**... is on Tuesday.
Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...
They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.
I asked my Latina coworker if she wanted Taco Tuesday for lunch break.
She said absolutely, but let's grab food first.
Man Request Prayer In Church
Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"
A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"
The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"
So the church prays fervently over the man, afterwords the preacher says "Is your hearing any better son?"
The guy says I won't know until next Tuesday that is when I go to court.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My crush asked me to dab
So I did what I had to do....Her f**...'s on Tuesday
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.
After 30 years of marriage, people always ask, "What's the secret of keeping the romance alive?" I always tell them...
We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week...
I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays.
Does Hellen Keller celebrate Black Friday?
Maybe. For all she knows it's Tuesday...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard Roy Moore fell off the wagon after losing on Tuesday...
Several sources claim he was heard repeatedly asking for a decent 15 year old Brandy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife wants me to lose 180 pounds this year for my new year's resolution.
I'm serving her with the divorce papers on Tuesday.
How did the french man feel on Tuesday?
Mardi
[OC] So a Comcast technician asks a woman on a date
Surprisingly, she says yes. He says "Great! Be at your house on Tuesday and I'll pick you up anywhere from 11am to 6pm." - Inspired by my recent internet installation experience.
We were going to play Dungeons & Dragons on Monday, but decided to play the next day.
THACO Tuesday
I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday got into a fight...
They wanted to see who was the weekest
