Tub Jokes

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.
So Happy got out.
She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream...

...and asked me if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you get when you think about me n**...". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass".

Four gay guys are sitting in a hot tub

When a c**... floats up to the surface.
One says, "Who f**...?"

I dared to ask my wife why she's buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

Big mistake.

My local movie theater was robbed of $200 last night.

They stole a tub of popcorn, two sodas and a box of Milk Duds.

Grocery Economics

A man and his economist friend are having lunch.
the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on."
The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.
"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director
The inspector nods and replies with a smile "Ah, i see. And the inmate, if sane will choose the cup because it's the biggest."
The director then looks at the inspector and raises a brow "No, the sane one will just open the drain"

hannah Montana DVD: $15, Tub of vaseline: $3, XL box of tissues: $2, Look of disgust from the cashier:Priceless.

Snow White gets into a hot tub and starts feeling a little happy

Happy gets out and she starts feeling a little grumpy.
Grumpy gets out and Bill Cosby gets in and she starts feeling a little sleepy.

Monk who claims he saw face of Jesus in his margarine tub...

... said: "I can't believe it's not Buddha"

A bunch of gay guys are sitting in a hot tub...

They see some s**... floating around, and o**... asks "ewwww who f**...?"

A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, p**..., keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

Two monkeys were sitting in a tub.

The first one says "Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee!"
The second one says "Perhaps we should add some cold water."

An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy

He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security cameras.

What's the difference between a Piano, a Tuna, and a tub of Glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna. As for the glue... well I knew you'd get stuck on that one.
This joke might seem a little fishy, but I find it key to tell a joke that can really stick with people.

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

Why would you get bigger if you ate a whole tub of protein every day?

Because you ate whey too much

Four n**... guys are sitting in a hot tub.

All of a sudden, a c**... floats to the surface. After a few seconds of stares and silence, one of the guys asks, "Alright, who f**...?"

7 Dwarves Sitting in a Tub

The 7 dwarves were sitting in the tub feeling happy, so Happy got up and left.

5 gay guys are sitting in a hot tub

When all of a sudden a c**... comes floating up.
One of them laughs and asks okay guys seriously, who f**...?

I was recently at a mental institution and asked the director how he knew when someone needed to be admitted...

He said: "We fill up a bath tub with water and offer the person a teaspoon, a tea cup, and a bucket to empty the tub."
I said: "Oh, a normal person would chose the bucket cause it's bigger!"
He replied: "No, a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the window or the door?"

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream
Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem gawddam cameras around!

The Last Supper

*Jesus raises cup of wine*
Jesus: This is my blood
*Jesus raises plate of bread*
Jesus: This is my body
*Jesus raises tub of mayonnaise*
Jesus: This is m-
Judas: WOAH WOAH STOP RIGHT THERE

What's the difference between a bucket and a tub?

For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.

Three ants take shelter from the rain in somebodies bathroom.

The first ant says, I'm going to sleep in the sink
The second ant says, I'll sleep in the tub
The third ant says, I'll get the best sleep of all and sleep in the toilet!
The next morning, the three ants wake up.
The first ant says, I slept great last night!
The second ant says, I also had a great sleep!
The third ant says, I hardly slept at all! It rained, thundered, and a log fell on my head!

What's the difference between a p**... in the bath tub and a nun?

The nun has hope in her soul.

What do you call a l**... in a hot tub?

Soup

After the death of Bobbi Kristina Brown in similar circumstances to her mother Whitney Houston...

The family have released an online video to commemorate their lives.
"Two Girls, One Tub" was probably not the best idea for a title.

A little boy and a little girl..

..got into bath tub for bathing. The little girl, curious about the extra body part of the boy asked him if she can touch it. The boy replied "You broke yours, now you want to play with mine? No way!"

I dared to ask my wife why she's buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

It was a big mistake.

What's the difference between a women getting out of church and a women getting out of the tub?

The one getting out of church has hope in her sole

The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person would pull the plug. So, would you like a private room?"

I really hate the feeling of wrinkly fingers in the tub

But he's my grandpa, what can you do?

Checking out the birth facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
"What do you think?" she said
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

A man is talking to a psychiatrist

Man: "So what are the conditions to get admitted to your psychiatric ward?"
Psychiatrist: "We fill up a bath tub with water and put a spoon, a cup and a bucket next to it. Then we tell the person to empty it."
Man: "Ah, and a normal person would take the bucket, right?"
Psychiatrist: "A normal person would pull out the stopper. Do you want your room with or without balcony?"

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
.
.
(Anthony Jeselnik)

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, We don't serve your kind in here. One of the yogurt cartons says to him, Why not? We're cultured individuals.

A woman brings her items to the resister

A woman brings five chocolate bars, a tub of ice cream, and some pregnancy tests to the counter
Cashier: "Ma'am, I don't think you need those pregnancy tests"

What do you call

What do you call a l**... in a hot tub?
Stew!
Just an old joke I remember from my child hood lol

My wife was fixing the caulk around our tub...

Me: You should use some caulk softener to make that easier.
Wife: Is that like a picture of your mom or something?
(actual conversation)

What did the fish say when it saw a sheep inside a tub?

Water ewe doing?

Whats the difference between a guy praying and a guy in the tub?

One has hope in his soul....

Did you hear about Emile Zola's hot tub?

It's a J'Accuse-i.