Like he's a Muslim or something.
"Mister President, we've been over this..."
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
He said 'Genius'
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term
But that's comparing apples to oranges.
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
Tell him Obama put it in
The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
You tell him Barack Obama installed it.
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word tragedy .
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that'd be a tragedy.
Not quite , says Mr. Trump, that would be an accident.
A little girl raises her hand: if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
I'm afraid not, explained the president. That's what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.
Fantastic! exclaimed Mr. Trump. That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
Well', said little Johnny, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be an accident either.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
Don't know if this one is in here yet, but here goes:
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word tragedy . (No, not the punch line yet)
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that'd be a tragedy.
Not quite , says Mr. Trump, that would be an accident.
A little girl raises her hand: if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
I'm afraid not, explained the president. That's what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.
Fantastic! exclaimed Mr. Trump. That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
Well', said little Johnny, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be an accident either.
So Trump can't tweet it
"Impeach."
That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
America.
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.
"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."
Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:
"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"
The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"
Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy . So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy .
One little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.
No, said Trump, that would be an accident
A little girl raised her hand: If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
I'm afraid not, explained the president. That's what we would call great loss.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Trump searched the room. Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: If 'Air Force One' was carrying you and was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
Fantastic! exclaimed Trump. That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?
Well, said the boy, It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either .
Not by choice though.
Fire staff
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"
Probably not two terms, though...
They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.
It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.
The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
For Hispanic attacks
Coincidence? No.
Mystery? Maybe.
Hotel? Trivago.
Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere
Trump had connections with Russia.
He's fine -- fake noose.
"Thank you. I haven't been fucked like this since 1998"
The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
and lowers it
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
Fake Noose
He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."ο»Ώ
Macron: Is that why he was late?
Trudeau: He was late because he takes a 40-minute press conference off the top !
Trudeau: Oh, yeah, yeah yeah. He announced ...
He's an "alternative romantic."
I did and we do.
After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.
Republicans don't think they are funny, and Democrats don't think they are jokes.
The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there's no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers
Hitler was good at making speeches
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
He wants to make America grate again.
Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
The Trump card.
Hitler wrote his own book.
The United States of America
Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"
I would have a small loan of a million dollars
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
Pence: The fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that yet
The Trump card.
Democrats: He's guilty
Trump: I'm guilty
Republicans: We may never get to the bottom of this
Not a political post, I just love to travel
She was tired of Putin's snoring.
For Hispanic attacks.
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
Is kick a Black man out of his house.
Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Orange will be the new Black.
You could say they are going toupΓ©e for it.
But I guess it's not fair to compare apples and oranges
He grows taller.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.
Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:
The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...
So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:
Jesus! What did you tell them?
What you told me to;
"Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig!"
So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.
That..that's it...
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
Miami Beach @ 10:00, come show your support!
their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they don't know which baby is which.
She asks them if they could help identify their babies and the Jew goes first. One minute later, he steps out of the nursery holding a black baby, the Black man gets up and says ''Hey man, I'm pretty sure that one's mine'' to which the Jew replies ''One of those babies is a Trump, and I'm not taking any chances!''
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
We'd both date his daughter if she wasn't his daughter.
A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped.
The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute."
Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The
world's smartest man just took my backpack."
A guy looking for a fight walks into a biker bar and shouts, "Donald Trump is an asshole."
The biggest guys in the bar gets in his face and warns him, "You better watch what you say around here."
"Why? Are you a Trump supporter?"
"No, I'm an asshole."
In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
"Donald! Duck!"
America.
He's afraid of the competition.
Because it has a bigger wall
After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
Because he has followers, not friends.
Traitor Joe's
This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
Alternative fax.
The White House seems to always be hiring.
He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half off
May his global impact be as tiny as his hands
What type of sandwich would you make?
...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.
Because orange is the new black.
Pence: 'The fewer'
Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'
If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
Thanks,
America.
Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for
But its a silly comparison really, like comparing apples to oranges.
Thanks, Obama.
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
and Trump can not tell the difference
Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.
You realize you're a healthy young man
Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".
Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagineβ¦
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"
Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
He said, Eh. I'll get over it.
Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.
Trump: What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin ?
Secretary: Just a second, Mr. Presidentβ¦
Trump: Thanks
-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world is in shock.
-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
-Latin American countries are sending clothing.
-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.
He takes away all the green cards.
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
Fake noose.
But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read
After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.
But he's doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.
But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.
She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
God asks Bush: What do you believe in?
Bush replies: I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on ...
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: Great, come sit on the chair on my right.
God goes to Obama and asks: What do you believe in?
Obama replies: I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. ...
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.
Finally, God asks Trump: What do you believe in ?
Trump replies: I believe you're sitting on my chair.
Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"
"EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
and promptly lowers it
Winning an argument against a woman.
there's gonna be hell toupΓ©e.
I didn't think it was for the same position over and over again.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Trump? Well, here are the best jokes about Trump to have fun with.