Trum Jokes

What are some Trum jokes?

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Trump should not have said "shit-hole countries".

The correct term is "turd-world countries".

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

Boris Johnson, Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron at NATO meeting joking about Trump:

Macron: Is that why he was late?

Trudeau: He was late because he takes a 40-minute press conference off the top !

Trudeau: Oh, yeah, yeah yeah. He announced ...

2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."

Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer


Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest


Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes


Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic

Until Bush did 9:11

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one...

What type of sandwich would you make?

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*

he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin ?

Secretary: Just a second, Mr. President…

Trump: Thanks

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"

The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

If Trump is elected president...

He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

Trump: "Let's get that Muslim band going"

"Band? We thought you said ban"

Trump: "No way, that's harsh. Also, how's the Mexican mall going?"

If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

Why does Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks!

Trump in a conference

A reporter asked Trump, "What does the J stands for in Donald J Trump?"

Trump replied, "The J stands for Genius."

How many Trump supporters does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They'd rather be in the dark about things.

Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall.

They had one for over 2000 years and they still don't have any Mexicans.

The Trump administration is like the International Space Station

They're in constant free fall, and they needed Russia's help to get there

Trump Today

Trump Today:

Missile #1: "You're fired!"

Missile #2: "You're fired!"

Missile #3: "You're fired!"

And so on 56 more times.

Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn't want to go anywhere he doesn't feel welcome...

So what's he still doing in the white house?

Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning the election.

Putin said, 'Thanks, but why have you waited for over a year?

How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term?

Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.

Trump used to love the LGBTQ community...

Until he found out it doesn't stand for "Loans Given By The Qataris"

You know why Trump fans are called Trumpettes?

You only have to learn how to press three buttons, and then you can play 'em all day.

Trump receives a message

Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.

The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.

Trump: We should have less immigrants in America!

Pence: "Fewer".

Trump: I told you not to call me that yet!

Although we may never see Trump Wall...

... we all just got to see Trump Cave.

Trump, Pence, Bannon, Sessions, Pompeo, Flynn, Priebus, Tillerson.

Not sure Trump knows this but traditionally, you only need 4 horsemen.

So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...

In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

Some say Trump is mentally unfit after declaring a national emergency?

However, it's all due to Hispanic attacks.

If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political joke, I just really wanna travel.

Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough.

His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence..

Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough

Since Trump got elected 2.5 million Americans want to leave the country

That's 2.5 million jobs he's already made!

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL HITLER WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"

If Trump gets elected...

...it will be the first time in History that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

"The handwriting's is Melania's."

If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn

Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."

Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."

The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."

Trump promptly hangs up.

Trump was cleaning his gun in Trump Tower...

Kellyanne Conway walks in and asks,

Kellyanne: "Why do you have a gun?"

Trump: "Obama Spy Drones"

Kellyanne: \*laughs\*

Trump: \*laughs\*

Microwave: \*laughs\*

Trump shoots the Microwave.

Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten? Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. You see, no one cares about the Muslims.

Trump and Putin...

...get cryogenically frozen after their respective deaths, and are re-woken 200 years later.

They decide to take a walk through the city together. Suddenly, Putin stops and bursts out laughing, pointing at the headline at a newsstand: "USA in worst financial crisis in history"

They walk on through the futuristic city, when Putin once again bursts out into laughter pointing at the headline of another newsstand: "EU votes against fourth humanisitic intervention in US-Crisis"

Trump is pretty downcast. They decide to finish their walk, when suddenly it is Trump who is crying from laughter pointing at yet another newsstand: "Skirmishes at German-Chinese border continue"

Trumpcare

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."

The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."

The Trump Years in a Nutshell

2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"

Trump to bartender: We are going to nuke Pakistan & kill Mia Khalifa

Bartender: why mia khalifa?

Trump to Imaran Khan: see nobody cares about Pakistan!

Trump calls Putin on the phone

Trump says, "You need to stop annexing territory in Ukraine"

Putin responds, "Crimea river"

Why can't Trump supporters ever get into higher levels of mathematics?

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

Trumps wall is fool-proof...

Take china for example, they've had a wall for 2000 years and still no mexicans.

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the conversation and exclaims "Why don't y'all jump out the window and make the entire country happy?"

How to make Trum jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Trum to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Trum? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Trum pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes