True Story Jokes
134 true story jokes and hilarious true story puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about true story that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest True Story Short Jokes
Short true story jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The true story humour may include short true life jokes also.
- My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
(True story, please groan with me.) - Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
- While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back. I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"
-true story, just happened. - I told my sister that if you rearrange the letters in 'vanilla' you get 'pirate' Her: no you don't
Me: yes, 'a villain' with a missing i.
Note: true story - Pickup line : hello, are you lactose intolerant? Just wanted to make sure, my pickup line is very chessy. .
I used that once...she laughed...her husband laughed i walked away...true story btw - Me: I should have married for brains instead of beauty. Wife: I don't get it
(True story) - "Ha! i killed all your black guys!" Said my son, playing a lovely chess game with me.
^^*true ^^story - I asked my dad for some words of wisdom... He said I can't, I got those taken out years ago. (True story)
- My brother and I ran out of protein powder. I turned to him and said, "no whey....."
(true story) - *true story. I dropped an egg on my feet while cooking breakfast I guess the yolk's on me...
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True Story One Liners
Which true story one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with true story? I can suggest the ones about truth and long story.
- I put a beaker of sodium hydroxide on a biography. It was base on a true story.
- How many blonde jokes are there? One. The rest are true stories!
- My ex-boyfriend paralyzed the left side of his body. He's all right now.
(True Story) - True story I've met a research geologist whose work was groundbreaking.
- What do you call a man who invents "PageRank"? Larry Page ..go figure? (True Story)
- (True story) I only use Windows XP because I'm guaranteed not to get another Windows Update.
- I have a coworker whose humour gets drier ...as he gets more dehydrated.
(True story) - Three musicians and a drummer get on an elevator. True story.
- True story. Driving through Afghanistan
- True story: My belt got stolen... ... it was pants down the worst moment of my life.
- They say only a true genius can tell a story backwards. Once upon a time...
- Did you hear about the cooked turkey? It was basted on a true story.
- Thanks to Volkswagen, I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.
- *True Story* I asked my brother what Greek sauce tasted like Crippling debt.
- Met a guy named Norm once He had no arms.
But seriously, true story.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful True Story Jokes
What funny jokes about true story you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean true jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make true story pranks.
Taxi Story
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
A Woman Who Reads
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with s**... assault,"says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
Philosophy Major: True story
With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.
True story: When I s**... my Movember stache on Dec 1st...
I thought I looked really young, so I joked with my wife: "how does it feel to be married to a 12-year-old boy?"
She replied: "Better than a 12-year-old boy m**...."
Touche.
My girlfriend was commenting on my big feet...
I said, "Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet..."
She replied, "You're gonna be disappointed!"
[true story]
When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...
After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!
Cultural Diversity--True Story
When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."
That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.
"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.
In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"
We never went back.
First Time
A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first s**... change operation!"
Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him.
True story...LOL!
[True Story] When I worked at a Residential Treatment Center for Children a boy once said to me...
"I have to f**...-en pee!"
I said, "Well, pick one and do it!"
^that ^was ^funnier ^to ^me ^when ^it ^happened
So *that's* how it works. [true story]
Went to visit a friend at his work (he's a chemist). There's a placard on the wall of the lab that says:
"Safety Reminder: Many Hands Make Light Work!"
Scrawled below that in black marker:
"Gee. All these years of college and I thought it was wave/particle duality."
True Story from South Carolina
A real estate agent said she saw a for sale sign leaned against a stump in front of a house. She saw a car in the driveway and decided to stop and inquire about the property. She rang the bell, an old man appeared, she explained who she was and asked how much the house was listed for. The old man laughed and said "Lady the house aint for sale, the stump is."
My wife wasn't happy.
True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."
I saw Stevie Wonder at the airport,
but he didn't see me.
*(True story, courtesy of Dad)*
My boyfriend (of an 11 year age difference) said this to me the other day...
True story: My boyfriend and I were taking a walk and he happened to be wearing his reading glasses (which I find adorable).
Me: Ooh, you look like a s**... teacher in those glasses. I think I need to stay after school...
Him: Yes, I'll show you how many times 38 goes into 27.
I had a customer tonight with allergies [true story]
Rude Customer: Can you just make sure there's no nuts in my food? I can't eat nuts.
Me: Sure! My sister Anna can't eat nuts either. You might know her?
Customer: Oh?
Me: Anna-phallactic?
Customer: Oh.
Me: Just kidding, I don't have a sister.
Customer: Oh?
Me: She died. She ate some nuts and died.
At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...
So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.
True story: Someone put a newspaper clipping on my desk containing a drawing that I made!
I guess you could say I had my work cut out for me.
So I'm on break enjoying a cigarette...
This busy body comes up to me and says, "You know those things will kill you!"
So I tell him that my grandfather lived to be 96 years old.
He replies, "Oh, did he smoke?"
"No he minded his own F-ing' business!"
*Old joke, but true story.
My daughter saw me eating prosciutto
True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."
I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"
"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."
I bought several packets of crisps the other day...
....My friend asked me: "Why did you buy so many"
I replied: "Wotsit to you?"
true story
Niels Bohr (true story)
a true story (supposedly)
A man goes to visit Niels Bohr, and sees a horseshoe hanging over Bohr's door (a scandinavian superstition).
The man says, "But Niels, you are a scientist! Surely you do not believe in this superstition?"
Niels replies, "Of course I don't believe in it!"
The man is confused. "Why do you have it if you don't believe in it?"
Bohr replies, "It is supposed to work, even if you don't believe in it!"
A guy at work lost his thumb and had to replace it with his big toe. (True Story)
Now we ask to get "your foot off the table" when he's eating.
If 2 vegans are having an argument....
True life story.
Patient: Can I tell you a joke
Me: Sure.
Patient: If 2 vegans are having an argument, is there still beef between them?
No eating disorders were harmed or diagnosed in the course of this joke.
Three high school students are standing outside the school...
When they notice thunder and lighting in the distance. The French exchange student throws his hands in the air, screams, and runs away. One student asks the other, "Why did he run away like that?" To which the other replies "He knows lightning always strikes the point of least resistance."
True story, changed setting for simplicity.
I see a border patrol car drive by...
So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says "no no I only have debit card" (true story)
Asked my co-worker if saw the big news report...
He said which one, The Mac 'n Cheetos announcement or the UK doing something?
True story, from 3 min ago... 'Murica
Holy moly, Swear to god, Just met a girl called Mercedes Bacon. I had to come share this here.
How often do you meet your three favorite things in one....
P.S. the name is a true story, a girl that I just met.
[True Story]: I was following a semi-truck full of coffins...
I tried to get as close as possible to read the bumper sticker on the back. When I could finally see the writing, it read "Drive safely. Yours may be on this load."
Blind Man
I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)
Today in class we were talking about s**....
The teacher asked us, "Ok class, does anybody know what the meaning of monotony is?"
I shouted out, "It's very boring!"
It was only in the principal's office that I realized she said monogamy.
**Based on a true story**
did you know jesus was irish?
true story, he never held a job, had twelve drinking buddies, and his mum thought he was god.....
I couldn't stop sneezing after lunch today.
...I ate a sneezer salad.
(Also this is a true story, and I said this to my office :P)
"I'm 29 years old today..."
"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.
Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...
"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," says the man on the line.
"Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."
"No," says Carl. "He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."
(based on a true story)
Father and son during checkout at d**...'s Sporting Goods...
Dad: Hang on a second, I need to use these coupons.
Son: Are these coupons only for d**...'s?
Dad: No, they work for normal people too.
Cashier -- laughing too hysterically to continue for a bit...
(True Story)
My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection
So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in."
True stories can be jokes too..
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".
[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]
True story! I supervise medical residents and was told one's name was pronounced 'az-wee-pay'.
Embroidered on her lab coat: a**...
[True story] I ordered fresh tilapia with my groceries from the supermarket, but they gave me frozen instead
Tastes like carp.
My little sister hated that our mother was addicted to cigarettes so she took a fork and stabbed the packet repeatedly.
Mom was not pleased. Holy smokes!
^(Based on a true story)
[True story] My girlfriend told me tonight that sugar was my enemy.
I replied "You know what they say. Keep your enemies closer than your friends."
Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?
Iran.
Oman the whole story is ridiculous.
I basically had to Qatar cross the border.
Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.
I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.
Honestly I could tell you more but it Kuwait.
True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.
Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.
Based on a true story (programming, walks into a bar)
Two programmers walk into a bar. The Python programmer orders an orange juice. The C programmer gets a look of disgust and says "You're in a bar! You should order an alcoholic drink!" The Python programmer gets his juice, pulls out his wallet, and pays for his drink. The C programmer tells the bartender, "I want a hard whiskey, and put it on my tab." The Python programmer gets a look of disgust and shouts "Tab?!?"
[ True Story / Legend ] A group of guys walk by Arnold working out on Venice beach..
One of the guys says "Look at this guy, I would never want to be that big".
To which Arnold replys, "Goode because you neva vill", as he finishes a pump.
True story
Son: I got my college acceptance letter, and they're giving me a $3,000 scholarship!
Mom: You did? What for?
Son: Community service!
Mom: Do they know a judge told you that you had to do it?
Have you heard about the woman who was fined $500 for bringing an apple back with her from France?
True story. She says she accidentally put the apple in her bag on the flight from Paris to Minneapolis and completely forgot about it until she was caught by a customs agent.
Apparently she was charged with harboring a Fuji-tive.
The Oxymoron poem
Ladies and Gentlemen; hobos and Tramps; bug eyed mosquitos and legged ants: I come here before you to stand behind you to tell you a story I know nothing of.
One cold dark day in the middle of the night two dead boys stood up to fight, back to back they face each other, drew their swords and shot each-other! The deaf policeman heard this noise and came and killed those two dead boys.
Now if you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it to.
My wife asked me to buy a king sized pillow at Target.
After a fruitless search, I replied, "As a trans madam once said to a prospective client, 'Sorry, they're all standard queens.'"
(true story, bro)
(True story) I work as an IT Specialsit and recently finished setting up the network of an affiliate office..
I made the WiFi password: *iforgotthepassword*
I've been getting a kick out of people asking around for it the past week.
The office manager asked me to change it for the sake of customers. I told him, I forgot the password and just about set him off the deep end lol.
True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.
I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I've already joined the 3 inch club!!!" OUCH!
Do you know how many Polish jokes there are in the world?
Only like 3, the rest are true stories.
A teacher once told me...
True story:
Remember that 'Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me' b**...??
Well, in Year 4, I heard my teacher say this to another classmate. I raised my hand and said 'Miss, I don't think that's right.'
My teacher asked me why I thought so. So, I threw a dictionary at her.
I met a girl online that was in a wheel chair.
We agreed to meet up for drinks but she stood me up.
I really wish this wasn't a true story.
Wife: You stayed and cuddled for a full 30 minutes after s**...! That's a record!
Husband: I think I can get it down to 5!
(True story).
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"
He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."
(True story)
My highschool teacher just became a grandfather
True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.
So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriousness he responds with
"He's not gonna call me anything he can't talk"
(True story, for what it's worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.
Like the Spanish Armada? I asked.
Yeah, he said and I shook my head in disbelief.
Well, I sighed. At least he isn't called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.
Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese?
True story, it was Brie Larson.
I used to be an avid hunter of wolves, but I had to quit. I got addicted to it...
I was up to two packs a day.
True story.
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn't laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I've persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she's in labor with our fourth and I've finally got her laughing...
...I think I've really improved the delivery!
(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)
True story
A few years ago, the (very attractive) checkout assistant in Asda asked the person in front of me for age ID. Ever the charmer I asked if she wanted to see my ID.
Quick as a flash she replied "Yeah, go on, show me your bus pass!"
How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached.
She promptly replied "isnt that i**...." True story too.
True story
Not sure where to post this.
About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.
A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about 6 weeks early, and weighed 3 lbs even, she was and is also missing her thumb on her right hand.
This girl is going to have a very twisted sense of humor, just like me.
Needing a little more room to park our bikes I said, "another 10cm would make such a great difference"
and so my wife, bless her, replied with a stellar "that's what she said".
True story from yesterday morning, just wanted to share our mirth :)
My wife and I are betting on the gender of our unborn child
If she wins, she gets a daugther.....
(True story actually)
True Story
**Wife** (Drops sauce on dress): Oh! I look like a pig.
**Husband**: Yes! And you dropped sauce on your dress.
How to lose weight.
When I lost 104 pounds, people asked me how I did it.
I asked Do you think you can lose one pound? They said sure. Anyone can do that.
I told them thats all I know how to do. I lost one pound every week, for 2 years. One pound at a time.
True story.
True Rosh Hashanah story
This is an actual conversation between my non-Jewish friend and his Jewish wife many years ago, before his first time going to High Holiday services:
Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?
Wife: It's a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!
H: I'll drive.
Probably 30 years later and it still makes me laugh. And they're still together.
A dumb one, ever for already low dad-joke expectations...
True story (makes this even more pathetic) that happened last night:
Wife: The fan is too high
Me: It's like that so we don't bump our heads
Toilet brush
Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper
