True Love Jokes

There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."

Some marriage jokes (closer to facts)

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
 It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. 
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..' 
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. 
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!' 
Women will never be equal to men until can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! 
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
 If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? 
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

An American, a Frenchman and an East German (this joke takes place in 1982)

are having a few drinks and discussing what true happiness is.
The American says "For me, true happiness is to work hard all day at a job I love, and then to come home and share dinner with my family."
The Frenchman says "Oh, you Americans, you're obsessed with work. To me true happiness is a deep discussion with my mistress, after which we make passionate love."
The East German shakes his head and says "Imagine it is 3 in the morning. You are sleeping soundly at home and are awakened by someone pounding on the door. You go and answer that, and two agents of the Stasi burst in. One says, 'Herr Mueller, you are under arrest for counterrevolutionary activities!' And although your voice quakes, you manage to say 'Comrades, Herr Mueller lives across the hall.' That, my friends, is true happiness."

True happiness

Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.
The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."
The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."
The Russian takes a long swig of v**..., blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."
The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"
"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."

A man wants to be an Eskimo...

He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things:
1) You must drink one gallon of 151 r**..., and if you can handle it and maintain all of your faculties, we will know your body and spirit are in harmony.
2) You must climb up the tall mountain and kill the polar bear that resides in the cave at the summit.
3) To show your true love for our race, you must make love to an Eskimo woman of my choosing."
The man thinks for a while, and agrees to complete the challenges. He first drinks the gallon of 151 and it was like nothing ever happened to him. He can talk, walk, and think logically. Next, he ascends the mountain and is not seen for a few hours after entering the cave. The chief breathes a sigh of relief, because he is sure the polar bear killed him, but gets the shock of his life when he sees the man descending the mountain. He is in tatters. His clothes are ripped, he is breathing heavily and sweating profusely, and his hair is pointing in every direction.
He approaches the chief, ready for the third challenge and asks, "Alright, now who is this woman you want me to kill?"

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nice," says God, "but I'm not really in the mood for such warm weather."
Another angel chimes in with a suggestion. "Well if not Mercury, how about Pluto?" (Yes, I realize it's no longer considered a planet, but it works for the joke so calm down). "You could go skiing, maybe hang out at the lodge and pick up a snow bunny."
"Oh I don't know," replies God. "That's maybe a bit too cold for my tastes and honestly I don't really enjoy skiing all that much."
A third angel says, "You know, sir, there's always Earth. The climate is nice and temperate plus the people love you down there."
"That is true," says God, "but I really don't think I should. The last time I went there I hooked up with that Mary chick and they still won't stop talking about it."

The Scottsman

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked the he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong a handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scotish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
They marveled for a moment, then one said "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along"
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied in to a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Lad, I don't know where ya been, but I see you've won first prize"
The Irish Rovers, "The Scottsman"

True Story

The Husband Store:
A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.
The first floor has wives that love s**....
The second floor has wives that love s**... and have their own money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Silly Paul..

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters.

True Story.

My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'

A boy writes a letter to Father Christmas...

It is getting close to Christmas time, and a young boy is writing his letter to Santa Claus. Coming from a poor, broken home the boy has only one wish. He writes to Santa and asks for just £50 so he can help his family.
At the Post Office, the staff are touched by the thoughtfulness and selflessness of the young boy. One kind worker decides they should make his dreams come true and organises a collection fund for him. At the end of the day, the workers manage to scrape together £45 and they send it back to the young boy with love from Father Christmas.
A week later, the Post Office receives another letter from the young boy. "Dear Santa, Thank you so so much for the £50, but I thought you should know, those robbing b**... at the Post Office stole £5."

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"