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True Life Jokes

55 true life jokes and hilarious true life puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about true life that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest True Life Short Jokes

Short true life jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The true life humour may include short true story jokes also.

  1. Despite always being made fun of on the internet, I've never seen a fedora-wearing neckbeard in the real life. I guess that means the stereotype is true.
  2. People say that you'll find the love of your life when you aren't looking Which is true, except by that point i had already run her over!!
  3. I'm a psychology student and I love it I guess it's true that if you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life
  4. My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function
  5. It's not true that if you die in your dreams, you die in real life. However, if you pee your pants in your dreams...
  6. This is true If you think about it everyone in life gets at least one participation trophy it's called a tombstone
  7. Is it true that the Somalia is the most progressive country in the world? Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!
  8. Some people say repeating a word makes it lose meaning, but I don't think that's true... I don't say Life that frequently, yet I feel like it is meaningless.
  9. When someone asks me what I do in my life I say I'm a full time researcher... It's true ! I'm still looking for a job.
  10. My son asked my wife what true love was "It's spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'll miss them"

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True Life One Liners

Which true life one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with true life? I can suggest the ones about real life and true love.

  1. Evolution: True science fiction.
  2. Happy Valentine's to my one true love Alexa, you really light up my life.
  3. True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
  4. TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
  5. Dream carefully, because dreams come true.
  6. True story: My belt got stolen... ... it was pants down the worst moment of my life.
  7. I have decided to become a dolphin... It is my true porpoise in life
  8. What is true in both Minecraft and real life. Never waste diamonds on a h**....

Cheerful True Life Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about true life you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean actual good jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make true life pranks.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.


Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.”
“Is that you, Fred?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**..., I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have s**..., I bathe in the sun, and then I have s**... twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then s**... pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have s**... until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
“Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”

We have all heard that a million monkeys b**.

.. on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money.

During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.

An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

Reincarnation.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**..., breakfast and then it's off to the golf course then I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun, then have s**... a couple of more times."
"Then I have lunch (You'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon."
"After supper it's back to the golf course again, then it's more s**... until late at night, where I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...! I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"

True happiness

Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.
The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."
The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."
The Russian takes a long swig of v**..., blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."
The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"
"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."

Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes
"Now thats what I call.....elbow grease"
Whole kitchen stops dead in their tracks, including the guy who got hurt, and bursts out laughing. He's now our favourite.

A man wants to be an Eskimo...

He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things:
1) You must drink one gallon of 151 r**..., and if you can handle it and maintain all of your faculties, we will know your body and spirit are in harmony.
2) You must climb up the tall mountain and kill the polar bear that resides in the cave at the summit.
3) To show your true love for our race, you must make love to an Eskimo woman of my choosing."
The man thinks for a while, and agrees to complete the challenges. He first drinks the gallon of 151 and it was like nothing ever happened to him. He can talk, walk, and think logically. Next, he ascends the mountain and is not seen for a few hours after entering the cave. The chief breathes a sigh of relief, because he is sure the polar bear killed him, but gets the shock of his life when he sees the man descending the mountain. He is in tatters. His clothes are ripped, he is breathing heavily and sweating profusely, and his hair is pointing in every direction.
He approaches the chief, ready for the third challenge and asks, "Alright, now who is this woman you want me to kill?"

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home...

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the excitement of the lift subsided - he realized that the car had no driver. The car started moving again. The man braced himself as the car moved towards a couple of bends. As the car hit the bends a mysterious hand would pop through the window and turn the car. The man was completely freaked out by this. Ghost car! When he could take no more of this he jumped out of the car and ran for dear life. He came up to a tavern and had to go in for a drink. Inside there were fellow drinkers enjoying their drinks and he just had to let them know what had happened to him. At first the other fellows laughed but then the man started crying...and they thought it has to be true. At that moment two guys stormed into the tavern...shouting, " we ran out of gas and while we were pushing our car some mad man jumped in... Did he happen to come in here?"

s**... After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**.... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.

A bus full of ugly people get into a car c**.....

causing everyone on the bus to die
Because everyone on the bus had done nothing wrong in their life, god decided they would be allowed into heaven. As a bonus, he would give them all one free wish
As the first of the really ugly people entered heaven, god had asked what his wish was. After thinking for a moment about what he wanted most, he told god be wished to look beautiful. God had made his wish come true and he was an incredible sight to look at. He had never been so happy in his life.
Inspired by his success everyone else started following his lead and made the same wish. Everyone was celebrating as they entered heaven looking beautiful after being made fun of for all their lives.
When the last person in line had arrived, he had walked in laughing. God asked him why he was laughing and what his wish would be.
With a smile on his face, the last man had said "I wish they were all ugly again."

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."

So I'm a male nurse, and I work in hospice. It's a great company, and sad sometimes, but it has taught me some great life lessons.

1) Pull your skeletons out of your closet now, or they'll come out while you're dying.
2) Love the one you're with.
3) I don't need to worry about finding true love. All the demented women seem to love me like it's the first day we met.

If 2 vegans are having an argument....

True life story.
Patient: Can I tell you a joke
Me: Sure.
Patient: If 2 vegans are having an argument, is there still beef between them?
No eating disorders were harmed or diagnosed in the course of this joke.

s**... After Death

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'

A Boy approaches his Dad...

The Boy asks, "Dad, what is s**...?"
The Dad ponders for awhile and figures that now is a good time for his 10 year old boy to finally understand the true facts about where babies come from.
He then elaborates on every single detail, from putting p**... into vaginas, and even shares about his s**... life with the Boy's mother.
The Boy, visually astounded, takes a long pause to absorb all the information.
He then whips out a piece of paper.
"So Dad... Do I circle the M or the F?"

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

It's true that b**... can be racist too!

But just like everything else in life, w**... are always better at it.

A kid boards a flight for the first time in his life

Kid: What kind of flight is this mom?
Mom: Boeing
Kid: I'm boarding a Boeing, Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Mom: Be silent you idiot
Kid: I'm oarding an oeing, oeing, oeing, oeing
P.S: Based on a true incident

A zebra dies and goes to heaven

The zebra meets God and asks him the one true question that he's been wondering his whole life.
"God, am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are who you are."
It was then that the zebra knew he was white with black stripes. If he was black with white stripes, God would have told him, "You is who you is."

Pinocchio.

What would happen to Pinocchio if he said "my nose is going to grow" he would be telling a lie so his nose would then grow,but because it is growing it would make Pinocchio's statement true which would mean that his nose won't grow or might stop growing, but then again because it will stop growing it would make his statement a lye. So does this mean his nose will grow and then shrink/stop growing for the rest of his life and he would be able to s**... pleasure lots of women(/men) with out even thinking about it? And would his nose go in and out like a needle on a sewing machine or would it vibrate back and forth like crazy?

Even if it's true that life is just living long enough to reproduce before killing yourself, maybe that isn't so bad.

As a loveless v**..., I've still got plenty of years left!
Rimshot, anyone?

Whole life was lie

Roses are red.That maybe true......
BUT VIOLETS ARE VOILETS NOT FUC**NG BLUE

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence.
The senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears

"You get one wish" he is straight to the point. woman thinks about it but she is content with her life. Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile she tells genie she wants her cat turned into handsome man. "Done" genie says and vanishes. And true to his word instead of a cat there is a really good looking man standing on the porch. Woman gives him an appreciative look and he smiles, leans i and whispers in her ear "I bet you wish now you haven't had me neutered."

Teaching as a career

A school teacher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm so worn out," he complains to the bartender. "The entire American school system is horribly disorganized and poorly run." "Well, then I guess it's true," the bartender says. "School really does prepare you for real life."

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I couldn't speak. I'd done some crazy things in my life, but this time I had sunk to a new low. I still shuddered inside at the thought of what had just happened.
"You knew what you were getting into." She said. "You agreed up front."
I had agreed, true, but now I felt dirty and used.
"We'll talk tomorrow" she said, as she slid the Klondike bar toward me.

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who's sign says life begins at conception

She goes up to the man and says that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn't viable until it graduates medical school!

A reporter interviews a 2000-year-old man

Reporter: is it true you had over nine hundred wives in your life?
2000 y/o Man: Indeed
Reporter: out of all your wives, which one was your favorite?
2000 y/o Man: Hmmm… Shirley. Definitely Shirley.
Reporter: And what made Shirley so special?
2000 y/o Man: Her friend Tammy.
(A classic Mel Brooks/Carl Reiner joke)

jokes about true life