True Jokes
173 true jokes and hilarious true puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about true that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Everyone loves jokes, especially when they're funny and actually make sense! These true jokes, which are technically true and sometimes weird but so true, perfectly capture the many complexities of life. From a dream come true to a truthfully funny look at the sexes and how they're ever so equally puzzling, these true jokes about life will keep you laughing.
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Funniest True Short Jokes
Short true jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The true humour may include short false jokes also.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
(True story, please groan with me.) - I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
- My daughter was born this morning, July 4th. It's the day I lost my independence.
(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well). - Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true... Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.
- My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
- Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Husband: That is true - wars require strategy and logic.
- Two cannibals were eating and the first one says: Your sister makes a delicious soup. The second one says: True, but now I miss her
- My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
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True One Liners
Which true one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with true? I can suggest the ones about truth and correct.
- I can cut down a tree just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- Only true feminists will get this Offended
- It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it I saw it with my own eyes
- I can cut wood using just my eyes It is true, I saw it with my own eyes
- !false It's funny because it's true.
- I can cut this piece of wood just by looking at it. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes!
- How Long is a battleship. True or false? False. How Long is a man from China.
- I can control sheep by just listening to them It's true, I heard them with my own ears
- Roses are red, That much is true But violets are purple
Not freakin blue - A True Nymphomaniac Convention. Everyone came.
- In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments. It's true...
- TIL that there's no living cats on Mars. Must be true what they say about Curiosity.
- I'm setting up a website for single dolphins Where true love's just a few clicks away
- what's a pirate's favourite letter? you may think it's R, but his true love be the C!
- My true love and I are like parallel lines. We will never meet and I will die alone.
True Story Jokes
Here is a list of funny true story jokes and even better true story puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
- While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back. I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"
-true story, just happened. - I told my sister that if you rearrange the letters in 'vanilla' you get 'pirate' Her: no you don't
Me: yes, 'a villain' with a missing i.
Note: true story - Pickup line : hello, are you lactose intolerant? Just wanted to make sure, my pickup line is very chessy. .
I used that once...she laughed...her husband laughed i walked away...true story btw - Me: I should have married for brains instead of beauty. Wife: I don't get it
(True story) - I put a beaker of sodium hydroxide on a biography. It was base on a true story.
- "Ha! i killed all your black guys!" Said my son, playing a lovely chess game with me.
^^*true ^^story - I asked my dad for some words of wisdom... He said I can't, I got those taken out years ago. (True story)
- How many blonde jokes are there? One. The rest are true stories!
- My brother and I ran out of protein powder. I turned to him and said, "no whey....."
(true story)
True Love Jokes
Here is a list of funny true love jokes and even better true love puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"... She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.
- My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives. I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
- There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!
- Some consider romeo and juliet a tale of true romantic love... But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...
- True love A few days ago I called my girlfriend using my friend's phone. She picked the call and said "HI BABY".
She knows it's me even when I didn't speak. True love exists… - My wife accused me of showing favouritism towards one of our kids... It's not true; I love Emma and Not Emma equally!
- You don' find out what true love is until you get married. And by then it's to late to turn back.
- My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives I told her that is not true.
I said, "I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine." - If you're looking for true love... Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact.
- I found my true love on match dot com... ...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.
True Friend Jokes
Here is a list of funny true friend jokes and even better true friend puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friends, the Leas, are planning to name their firstborn after their favorite Harry Potter character. Sirius Lea, it's true
- My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'... I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...
- My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.
- I think it’s true that the TV can lead to violence, says Etienne.
What makes you say that? Asks his friend.
Well, every time I turn it on, my french father shouts at me. - My friend claimed that all Jersey girls are trash. I said that isn't true, trash gets picked up.
- When I went to stay with my friend, he said he'd made up the spare room... Which was true...he didn't have one
- You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.
Because then he'll get a better taste in music. - I had a conversation with a Jewish friend who said to me I have no idea what it's like to be Jewish I told him that is not true! My wife blames me for everything.
- A friend of mine who works as a road repairer was recently accused of theft. None of us believed it was true, but when I went to see him at his house, all the signs were there!
- It's true that I only have one black friend... ...but it sounds better when I say half of my friends are black.
True Life Jokes
Here is a list of funny true life jokes and even better true life puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Despite always being made fun of on the internet, I've never seen a fedora-wearing neckbeard in the real life. I guess that means the stereotype is true.
- People say that you'll find the love of your life when you aren't looking Which is true, except by that point i had already run her over!!
- I'm a psychology student and I love it I guess it's true that if you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life
- My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function
- Evolution: True science fiction.
- It's not true that if you die in your dreams, you die in real life. However, if you pee your pants in your dreams...
- Happy Valentine's to my one true love Alexa, you really light up my life.
- This is true If you think about it everyone in life gets at least one participation trophy it's called a tombstone
- True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
- Is it true that the Somalia is the most progressive country in the world? Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!
Howlingly Hilarious True Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about true you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean actual jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make true pranks.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Republicans are the true snowflakes...
they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub...
She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men." ;)
So he stabs her & steals her purse.
A man is praying to God...
He says, "Lord? May I ask you a question?"
"Sure thing!", God replies.
"Well," the man begins, "Is it true that a million years is just a second to you?"
God replies, "Yes, that is true."
The man then asks, "And is it true that a million dollars is only a penny to you?"
"Yes."
"In that case, can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God answers, "Just give me a second."
A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior.
he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented s**...." The Italian replies "True, true, I can't argue with that, but we thought of having it with women."
Legs Up
Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"
A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?
He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.
Birth
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their d**...?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Little Johnny asked god a question.
Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?
God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!
Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?
God: You're absolutely right!
Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?
God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.
Did you know that beer contains female hormones?
It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car.
All apologies to the fairer s**....
My wife wasn't happy.
True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting
Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"
Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"
Mathematician joke.
A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."
A conversation with God
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
Black guy and a white girl hook up.
A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.
My daughter saw me eating prosciutto
True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."
I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"
"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."
Why God never got a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
Recent study has revealed that m**... might help curing the common cold.
Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..
A cannibal in a courtroom
Representing himself, the cannibal was asked by the judge if he had anything to say.
"If the quote "You are what you eat" is true then I am an innocent man."
I walked in from work today and my wife was
sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having s**... for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...
Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."
What is the most tried and true method to getting a small fortune?
Start out with a large fortune.
The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"
I recently came out as pansexual.
But I'm only attracted to cast iron.
I've tried dating teflon, but it never sticks.
I guess it's true what they say:
"Once you go black, you never go back"
A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...
And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.
Bernie Sanders is a true socialist
He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.
Three ladies.
Three ladies went out to the flee market. A blonde, a redhead and a brunette. They found a magic mirror that told them this "each of you has to say something about herself, if it's true I'll grant you a wish but if it's false I'll kill you ". The ladies agreed, and the redhead said "i have the cutest boyfriend" and the mirror killed her. The brunette said "i have the prettiest car " and the mirror killed her. And the blonde said "wait I'm thinking " and the mirror killed her.
Fin.
A black guy and a white girl are at a party
A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their p**...?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.
Sikh and you shall find.
(
A thousand years is a minute to God
A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."
It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-
A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
There are two cows standing in a field....
The first cow says to the other, I was artificially inseminated this morning. The second cow replies, No way, I don't believe you. The first says, It's true, no bull.
The invention of s**...
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and
Then Greek Says: "We invented s**..." The Italian says:"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"
Two spiders are at another spiders f**....
"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."
A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...
...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.
P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.
A kid boards a flight for the first time in his life
Kid: What kind of flight is this mom?
Mom: Boeing
Kid: I'm boarding a Boeing, Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Mom: Be silent you idiot
Kid: I'm oarding an oeing, oeing, oeing, oeing
P.S: Based on a true incident
The bird of Love is the dove, but what's the bird of true love?
A s**...
I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria...
I did, and the predictions came true!
I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle.
But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around during the ceremony.
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That is true in every country, son."
The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.
If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning
I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.
The same thing is true if you're s**....
Some stereotypes just aren't true, not all gay people are flamboyant and constantly happy
Some of them are l**...
A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.
He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:
"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."
To which the man replies:
"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."
A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold
The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two s**... 17 year old daughters.
He says, Your father sent me up here to have s**... with you.
One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!
The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?
The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!
At the interview for my new job I was asked
"What would your friends say are your weaknesses?"
"I don't have any!" Was my reply.
The interviewer seemed a little surprised and answered: "That can't be true. Everybody has some weak points."
Whereupon I said: "Oh no. You got that wrong. I meant I don't have any friends."
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"
He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."
(True story)
When I was Young
I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.
He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."
It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire
Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"
Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"
He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype.
Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand...
But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.
What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?
One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".
R.I.P. dad
My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."
___________________
What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?
One is The Taming of the Shrew.
The other is the shaming of the true.
Toilet brush
Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.
He asks a student "Who is your father?
The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."
Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"
The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."
Kim Jong applauses. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"
The student replies "An orphan."
This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack
The maintenance guy said that's the Spock pack
Me: Spock pack?
Maint: aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear
