True Friend Jokes
76 true friend jokes and hilarious true friend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about true friend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest True Friend Short Jokes
Short true friend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The true friend humour may include short mean friend jokes also.
- I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"... She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.
- My friends, the Leas, are planning to name their firstborn after their favorite Harry Potter character. Sirius Lea, it's true
- My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'... I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...
- True love A few days ago I called my girlfriend using my friend's phone. She picked the call and said "HI BABY".
She knows it's me even when I didn't speak. True love exists… - My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.
- I think it’s true that the TV can lead to violence, says Etienne.
What makes you say that? Asks his friend.
Well, every time I turn it on, my french father shouts at me. - My friend claimed that all Jersey girls are trash. I said that isn't true, trash gets picked up.
- When I went to stay with my friend, he said he'd made up the spare room... Which was true...he didn't have one
- You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better? Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.
Because then he'll get a better taste in music. - I had a conversation with a Jewish friend who said to me I have no idea what it's like to be Jewish I told him that is not true! My wife blames me for everything.
Share These True Friend Jokes With Friends
True Friend One Liners
Which true friend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with true friend? I can suggest the ones about best friends and close friends.
- an old friend is worth more than two new ones. but the opposite is true for girlfriends.
- Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...
- Friend: Ludwig! Is it true that you have become deaf? Beethoven: Yes.
- Mexicans are very environmentally friendly It's true, they don't have any papers!
- Promise me we are true friends
Ridiculous True Friend Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about true friend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean true love jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make true friend pranks.
Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
Some marriage jokes (closer to facts)
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
An American, a Frenchman and an East German (this joke takes place in 1982)
are having a few drinks and discussing what true happiness is.
The American says "For me, true happiness is to work hard all day at a job I love, and then to come home and share dinner with my family."
The Frenchman says "Oh, you Americans, you're obsessed with work. To me true happiness is a deep discussion with my mistress, after which we make passionate love."
The East German shakes his head and says "Imagine it is 3 in the morning. You are sleeping soundly at home and are awakened by someone pounding on the door. You go and answer that, and two agents of the Stasi burst in. One says, 'Herr Mueller, you are under arrest for counterrevolutionary activities!' And although your voice quakes, you manage to say 'Comrades, Herr Mueller lives across the hall.' That, my friends, is true happiness."
True happiness
Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.
The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."
The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."
The Russian takes a long swig of v**..., blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."
The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"
"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."
Russian Americans on chess (true story)
I was working with a Russian bike mechanic named Dmitri when my friend who came into the shop frequently started dating someone who was extremely good at chess. The chess player came into the shop one day so I said to Dmitri "Hey, Dmitri, you play chess don't you?"
"No. No, no not play chess."
"What do you mean 'not play chess'? I thought you all were supposed to be good at that kinda thing."
"No, no, prefer checkers"
"Checkers?! Why don't you like chess, Dmitri?"
"Because! If smart good at chess, not be bike mechanic! And when bored play chess fall asleep and (he slumps forwad) *pop* out your eye! Checkers only bruises."
s**... Appetite
The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.
Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the s**... appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"
So *that's* how it works. [true story]
Went to visit a friend at his work (he's a chemist). There's a placard on the wall of the lab that says:
"Safety Reminder: Many Hands Make Light Work!"
Scrawled below that in black marker:
"Gee. All these years of college and I thought it was wave/particle duality."
The man's best friend
You know the phrase "the dog is the man's best friend"?
Well, I can prove it's true!
Just lock up your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and one hour later... guess who is gonna be happy to see you!!
Three guys die in a car c**......
At the pearly gates, the angel says, I'm sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can't send you back, but we'll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your f**..., and it will become true. What do you want it to be?
o**... says, I want them to say that I was a very successful stockbroker with lots of cars and beautiful women.
The second guy says, I want them to say that I was a beloved man with lots of children, an adoring wife, and hundreds of friends.
The third guy says, I want them to say, 'Hey, he's moving!'"
So the Polish guy found an ocean cruise for only $100...
His friend warned him that it was too good to be true, but he didn't listen. They sailed in the late afternoon, and right around dusk, someone conked him on the back of the head, took his wallet and dumped him overboard. Seeing a fellow passenger in the same predicament, he asked "Do they serve dinner on this cruise?"
The fellow replies "They didn't last year!"
At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...
So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.
So my friend says: No one celebrates New Year's Eve
"We aren't Chinese." He says.
True story.
Difference between men and women
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning her husband asks her where she was.
She says that she decided to sleep over at a friend's house.
The husband calls 10 of her best friends to see if that's true... none know anything about it.
---------------------
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning his wife asks where he was.
He says that he decided to sleep over at a friend's house.
The wife calls 10 of his best friends to see if that's true...
8 of them confirm that he slept over, 2 of them claimed he was still at their house.
What is famous?
Three friends were arguing what being famous really means.
The first one states, "True fame is when you get invited to the white house".
"That's nothing" says the second "True fame is when you are in the white house, the red phone rings, and no one is there to pick it up so you answer the phone".
"You're all wrong" protests the third, "True fame is when the red phone rings, the president answers it and claims its for you".
First time on a plane.......
A man got into a plane for the first time ,as he was admiring the view outside he saw something and said to the person sitting beside him "Its my first time on a plane ,and my friends told me people really look like ants from here and its true"and the person sitting beside him said "You Idiot!,we haven't flown yet ,that's a real ant!"
A zebra and his stripes
One day a zebra was conflicted on whether he was actually black or white. So he goes up to his friend and asks, "am I black or white?". His friend replys, "only God knows the true answer". So the zebra sets off to ask God. After much discussion God tells him, "you are what you are". Disappointed, the zebra travels back to his friend. As he approaches his friend eagerly says, "what did he say??". The zebra says, "all he said was you are what you are". His friend replies, "Oh you're white then".
"how do you figure?" the zebra says.
His friend replies, "well if you were black you'd be you is what you is".
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
I bought several packets of crisps the other day...
....My friend asked me: "Why did you buy so many"
I replied: "Wotsit to you?"
true story
An old joke from East Germany
A German worker gets a job in Siberia. Aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: "Let's establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false."
After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: "Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair—the only thing unavailable is *red ink*."
Young Forever
Nutritionists say people who eat less tend to be younger in appearance. It is true. One of my friends hadn't eaten for 10 days, he's forever 25 years old now.
My friend called me conceited the other day.
That can't be true, though. Being conceited is a fault, and I don't have any.
In Mother Russia
A man asked his Russian friend: "Is it true that in Russia, sometimes you can see polar bears walking on the roads?"
His friend replied: "No, no my friend, that is completely untrue. Back in Mother Russia, there is absolutely no such thing as "roads"."
The true meaning of "bro code"
If a suspicious husband calls ten of his wife's friends about her last night's whereabouts, nine of them will tell him she wasn't there, and one will say she was.
If a suspicious wife calls ten of her husband's friends about his last night's whereabouts, nine of them will tell her he was with them, and one will insist that she only just missed him.
I heard beer can really help your friends with decision making.
It's true. Beer makes a bud wiser.
I didn't really want to take my friend's true or false test
But he wouldn't take no for an answer
People keep telling me I don't have friends.
That's not true, I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
My friend says I'm a racist...
100% not true. Hopefully racism will die out soon. Like black people
[True story] My girlfriend told me tonight that sugar was my enemy.
I replied "You know what they say. Keep your enemies closer than your friends."
True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train)
Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers "You know we live in Australia right? Why do you Islams continue to dress like that?"
Lady just looks at him wierd, rips off her head gear and says "You know we live in Melbourne right...I'm not Muslim, I'm cold, you f***** idiot" then walks off.
True friends are like stars.
1: You don't always see them, but you always know they're there.
2: You need at least one to survive.
3: Sometimes, you really hope they're burning somewhere in space.
A friend of mine did not know the difference between Latin and Pig Latin
He just thought Pig Latin was what fat Italians spoke.
(This is actually a true story.)
A child talking with his mom..
Child: mom, my friends told me that my birth was unplanned and that you and my dad didn't really want me as a son, is that true?
Mom: hey, don't call me "mom" in public....
True Love
Guy: "who'd ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"
Man: "That was my wife's seat, we have been to the last five World cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
Guy: "Oh.... That's terrible and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat..
But, these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member or friend with you?"
Man: " No .....
They all are at her f**...! "
Our friend always wanted to be run over by a steam train. Last week we made his dream come true!
He was chuffed to bits.
A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold
The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two s**... 17 year old daughters.
He says, Your father sent me up here to have s**... with you.
One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!
The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?
The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!
I just told my friend that Justin is the PM of Canada but he didn't believe me.
It's true though.
My friend told me that not getting enough sleep always catches up with you
I guess we'll just Zzzz if that's true
At the interview for my new job I was asked
"What would your friends say are your weaknesses?"
"I don't have any!" Was my reply.
The interviewer seemed a little surprised and answered: "That can't be true. Everybody has some weak points."
Whereupon I said: "Oh no. You got that wrong. I meant I don't have any friends."
A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.
The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.
"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"
The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been here for 300 years and I've never seen any paranormal activity."
Why is this true
Friend: do you have any special talents only a few have
Me: yeah, i,m the only one that can read my own handwriting
They say that fake friends stab you in the back and that true firends stab you in the front
But my gay friends stabbed me in the back.
My trans gender friend
My trans gender friend recently changed to her true gender. When I asked her what the biggest change was she responded with "There really is no diferens"
With the holidays coming a good friend told me the true meaning of having plenty...
It means a lot
I have this really cool Japanese ambisexual friend, he's always up for a night at the club and gets along with most people.
He's a true bi-party-san.
Son asks his father
Is it true that the stork has brought me?
No, son. Yesterday the neighbor brought you- and last week it was some of your friends. It's time to stop drinking.
A Palestinian wakes up from a coma and is discovers he's been sleeping for decades.
He goes to the first person he sees and asks them Are the stories true? Is it real?
The man responds, Yes my friend, I'm afraid it Israel.
My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles
He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function
A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.
As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.
"Hey Stephanie, I believe your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"
"Of course not! He would have told me if that were the case! Why do you think that?"
"Well, I saw your dad holding hands with another man earlier today."
"No way, are you serious? I can't believe this!"
"I'm afraid so, Stephanie."
"Which dad?"
It's true that I only have one black friend...
...but it sounds better when I say half of my friends are black.
A German worker gets a job in Siberia, aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends;
"Let's establish a code, if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink; it's true, if it's written in red ink, it's false"
After a month, his friends get the first letter;
"Everything is wonderful here, the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, cinemas show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair, the only thing you can't get is red ink"
There was a group of hikers who climbed a steep mountain.
The terrain is treacherous. Every step could be their last. Until it proved itself true. One of them fell down. But fortunately, he went down into a small ledge beside the mountain.
"John! Are you okay? Hold on to the rope!"
"My arms are broken. I can't carry myself."
"Try to tie the rope around your legs. We're gonna pull you up!"
"My legs are broken too. It hurts so much."
"Bite the rope as hard as you can!"
John bit the rope as hard as he can. His friends pulled him up. Midway...
"John! How are you doing? Are you okay?"
"I'M GOOOOOOOOODDDDDD!"
True Rosh Hashanah story
This is an actual conversation between my non-Jewish friend and his Jewish wife many years ago, before his first time going to High Holiday services:
Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?
Wife: It's a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!
H: I'll drive.
Probably 30 years later and it still makes me laugh. And they're still together.
Three wishes
Three friends are stuck on an island. One day, one of the them found a bottle floating near land. It so happen to be a genie bottle! "Thankyou for freeing me! You may have three wishes!", the genie explains. The first person wished to go back home, and just like that, they vanished and went home! Excited, the second person wished to go home as well, and the genie made his wish come true. The third person was sad. They looked at the genie and said, "I'm so alone, I wish that my friends would come back!"
True story told by a friend: My nephew was gay and everyone knew it but he was slow coming out of the closet. One day, home from college, he was having breakfast and blurted out, "Mom - I'm gay."
She replied, "Does this mean that you sometimes put other men's p**... in your mouth?" Her son thought that this was an odd response but answered, "Yes." "Then I never want you to complain about my cooking again." (It was her hilarious way of saying that his orientation is not an issue for her.)
A friend of mine who works as a road repairer was recently accused of theft.
None of us believed it was true, but when I went to see him at his house, all the signs were there!
A reporter interviews a 2000-year-old man
Reporter: is it true you had over nine hundred wives in your life?
2000 y/o Man: Indeed
Reporter: out of all your wives, which one was your favorite?
2000 y/o Man: Hmmm… Shirley. Definitely Shirley.
Reporter: And what made Shirley so special?
2000 y/o Man: Her friend Tammy.
(A classic Mel Brooks/Carl Reiner joke)