Truck Driver Jokes

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he opened the door a truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust.
"I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn’t you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!… MY ROLEX!"

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road.

Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road. 
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. 
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him.
At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road.
Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud."
Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.
When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels.

He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it.
He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.
Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load.
On every occasion, there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip.
On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath.
Nothing.
He could never find anything amiss.
After a few months of this, the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned.
A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't stop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."

The Penguin Dilemma!

There's a truck driver hauling a load of Penguins going to the Zoo and his truck breaks down, so along comes another truck driver, stops and ask him if he needs help.
The truck driver says he has to get this load of Penguins to the zoo on time. The other truck driver says "well my trailers empty I could take the for you. The truck driver says "thats a great idea if you take these Penguins to the Zoo for me I'll give you $500.00." So the other driver says "you got a deal."
So a few hours go by and the broken down truck driver sees the other truck driver walking and the Penguins are following him. the truck driver says "hey, I gave you $500.00 to take those Penguins to the Zoo for me! " The other driver says, "I did take them to the Zoo, I had money left over and now I'm taking them to the movies!

So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.....

He pulls over and looks around, but can't see anyone. So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the truck and asks, "What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?" The truck driver thinks for a second and says, "Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up" to which the cop replied, "well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?" Truck driver thinks for another second and says, "Well I was thinking I'd take him to the zoo." The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that'll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop. But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily, "What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?" "I did" exclaimed the truck driver "that was two weeks ago, I'm taking him to the ball park today"

Really bad day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari...

He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report.
Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "All you care about is money and your possessions."
The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down.
"Hear me out...see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm."
"Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Traffic Lights..

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, " Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, " and
took off before the lights changed.
Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself,
"man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Penguin Truck

So there's a truck driver with a very important delivery: penguins to be delivered to the zoo. Unfortunately, his truck breaks down and they are stranded in the middle of a desert. Luckily , a passer by has a pickup truck. So the truck driver flags him down and says: "here is $300. Go take these penguins to the zoo." So the driver goes and takes them. Later the truck driver sees the other driver, and following him are the penguins. The trucker is furious and shouts at him: "what are you doing?! I gave you 300$ you were supposed to bring them to the zoo!!" He replies:" I did! We had money left over so I brought them to the movies as well!"

Joke

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

Could have been me...

Sitting at a Red Light yesterday, minding my own business...patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to
me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to Americans!"
and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been
me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

A guy at a bar is just looking at his drink... (Long)

...He stays like that for about half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes his drink, and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another one.' The man says, 'No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep and got late to work. My boss is outraged and fires me. When I leave to go to my car, I found it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

Topical Jokes for 1/31

The CEO of McDonald's has announced he'll be resigning later this year. It's the first time in history that a McDonald's employee has quit and given more than five seconds notice.
The New Hampshire lottery is selling scratch 'n sniff tickets that smell like bacon. The aroma is there to remind people that if they didn't waste their money on lottery tickets, they could afford to eat bacon.
In Alabama, a truck driver caused a mile-long traffic jam when he swerved off the road while trying to pull out a loose tooth. Drivers slowed down to look, because people in Alabama had never seen someone who has a tooth.
Suge Knight is suspected of running a man over with his car after an argument. The argument was about whether or not there's a pumpkin-flavored Jelly Belly.
...running over someone with your car seems crazy, but you have to keep in mind that Suge Knight's motto is Live every day like it's 'The Purge.'

Three guys are in a hospital waiting room

Each of them has a wife in labor and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their bundle of joy. The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations...your wife has given birth to twins!" The man says, "Wow, that is such a blessing. Twins! Imagine that! You know what's funny, though? I work for the Minnesota Twins, so that's kind of a coincidence!"

Five minutes later the nurse returns and says to the second guy, "Congratulations! Your wife was carrying triplets, and they are all healthy...two boys and a girl!" The man is thrilled. "Triplets! Imagine that! Wow, two boys and a girl! You know what's funny, though; I work for 3M, so that's kind of a coincidence!"
The third man then suddenly reaches for his coat and starts to head for the exit. Confused, the nurse says, "Wait a minute! Your wife is in labor...don't you want to stay and be with her??" The guy replies, "No way. Forget it. I'm outta here. I'm a truck driver for 7up!"

Truck Driver and the Bikers

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

So I saw a study online...

Apparently a bunch of crows have been dying lately. One ornithologist linked their deaths to vehicles, whether it's them running into the vehicle, or the crows not moving out of the way.
An ornithologist for one university actually took it further, he wanted to know whether the majority of deaths were caused by trucks or by cars. The research showed that about 95% of the deaths were caused by trucks and 5% were by cars.
The study showed that most drivers in cars were actually able to avoid the crows, while trucks had trouble doing so. This is because crows at the last second were able to yell out "Cah Cah" but no crow could yell out "Truck"

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. Astonishing! said the truck driver to the crew chief. What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together? Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.

Driving to work...

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
*
This joke was email to me by a Comedy Defensive Driving class I took to take care of a speeding ticket (three years ago).