Trousers Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Trousers puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Trousers

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

"So is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?"

"Both ,now get in the van"

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."

I had a prostate exam the other day...

When I entered the examination room and asked the doctor where I should put my trousers, I have to say, "over there with mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.

My grandpa's favorite joke

A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.

"I'm a professional. In over twenty years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

What did O say to Q?

Hey put that thing back in your trousers.

What do you call a pair of snakeskin trousers?

Serpants.

Why did the golfer take a spare pair of trousers with him?

Incase he got a hole in one!

A classics professor goes to a tailor...

... to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

There was a little boy celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

I was invited to a party...

The dress code said "black tie only".

But when I got there, I noticed other people had worn shirts and trousers too

What trousers did Mendel wear?

Genes.

"Of course I won't laugh."

Said the nurse. "I am a professional. In over 20 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay, then," Said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as well as she could. "I am very sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"Its swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

My teacher told me to tuck my shirt in.

I said, "Why?"

"Because it *looks* like you've just had sex," he said, zipping his trousers.

Scots vs English

Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Cause sheep can hear a zipper at 50 yards.

Why do the English wear trousers? Cause goats are deaf.

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen',he said.....

Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

What did the suspenders say to the trousers?

What's up, britches?!

Why do black men wear baggy trousers?

Because their knee grows.

Dropping your trousers is a terrible way to begin a job interview.

I learned that many moons ago.

Why did the ant crawl up Princess Kate's stocking?

To go to the grand opening.

Why did the ant crawl up Prince Williams' trousers?

To get to the royal ball.

Shall I wear pants to work?

A young woman was applying for a teaching position in Britain and, while talking to an HR guy asked him:
Am I supposed to wear a skirt all the time or shall I sometimes wear pants?
After a few seconds of silence the HR guy responded:
If you mean pants that are trousers then yes. Of course you can wear them to work. If you mean pants that are underwear… Well… It's up to you.

P. S. That really happened to a friend of mine.

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bar tender says 'oi you get out, we don't allow those in here'. The man replies
'Oh no don't worry he's perfectly tame, look I'll show'.
The man then proceeds to unzip his trousers and take off his pants. The crocodile opens its mouth and the man dangles his balls inside the jaw.
After an hour this the man says 'see, perfectly safe. Does anyone else want a go?'. A man in the corner of the bar raises his hand and says
'I'd love a go but I don't think I can keep my mouth open for that long'.

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers?

Grandma on wash day.

Did you hear about the guy who ate his trousers?

He pooped his pants!

How does Jupiter hold up it's trousers?

With an Asteroid Belt.

Prostate examination [NSFW]

A guy goes into the medical center for a checkup. The nurse asks him if he's ever had a prostate exam before, and reassures him it's very straightforward and not to worry. Just go through into the next room, and the doctor will be with you shortly.
So he goes into the room and starts undressing. It's only a minute before the Doctor comes in and tells him to drop his trousers. Asked where to put his pants, Doctor says "right here next to mine."

A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, replies, Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she says, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
To which she responds,

"Didn't feel a thing."

This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn trousers.

Euripides? Says the tailor.

Yeah, Eumenides? Replies the man.

This is a joke from the 1920's

Why were the trousers not allowed to enter the school?

They were suspended.

A hunter visited a doctor who was about to give him a spinal tap...

Doctor says "Well this might hurt, I just want you do know." The hunter goes "don't worry doc, I've only been in pain twice in my life, this will be nothing."

So the doctor performs the spinal tap and sure enough, the hunter didn't flinch a muscle. Curious about the hunters statement, he asks "So, what are the two times you've been in pain"

Hunter says "I was hunting once and had to take a dump. I dropped my trousers and squated, and my nut sack triggered a bear trap I didn't see"

Wincing, the doctor asks "And the second?"

Hunter says "When I ran of of chain"

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?

In case he got a hole in one.

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."

A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has sex with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"

"No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel!"

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.

The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed.

She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

A little Irish humor

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits Β£5.00 each, Shirts Β£2.00 each, Trousers Β£2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at Β£5.00 each, 100 shirts at Β£2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at Β£2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.



A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.


The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."


The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

I spent a fortune on these stripper trousers.

They're a total rip off.

My grandpa always told me this joke, hope you like it.

A frog in trousers hopped across a meadow.

Upon meeting a rabbit, the frog said:

"I am a cow, I am a cow!".

The rabbit looked angry and said,

"You are not a cow, you're a frog!".

So the frog pulled down his trousers and the rabbit stuttered in disbelief: "Holy cow!"

I went to get my haircut and told the barber not to take too much off.

He only took off his trousers.

Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf?....

....In case you get a hole in one!

A Pirate Walks Into A Bar

...With the steering wheel to his ship crammed into his trousers.

Bartender: What is that steering wheel doing down your pants?

Pirate: Arrrgh... It's drivin' me nuts!

(Heard that a while ago... One of my favorite cheesy pirate jokes)

It was so cold outside...

I saw a gangster pulling up their trousers

Why couldn't the adopted child borrow his brother's trousers?

Because they didn't share jeans.

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony walking stick topped with a silver ram's head almost the size of a real one.

His wife takes one look at him and says, "Wilbur, for the land's sake, what have you got on?"

And he replies, "Marge, honey, the doctor told me I was impo'tant. And if I'm impo'tant, then I'm surely gonna look impo'tant!"

The same woman lost her car keys.

Her husband comes out and says, "What's wrong?"

She says, "I lost my keys!"

He takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and starts rubbing the ignition switch. Magically the vehicle starts up.

"WOW! How did you do that?"

"Honey, these are my cargo pants."

Why shouldn't you buy Soviet trousers?

Because Chernobyl fall out

So a scottish man walks up to the bar

And the barman says "Sir, did you know you have a steering wheel in your trousers?" The man looks down for a moment, then back to the bartender. "Aye, it's driving me nuts."

I secretly bought some new trousers without telling my girlfriend

Do you think chinos?

I know who wears the trousers in my relationship.

My hand.

Husband: "Honey, aren't those trousers a bit too tight for you?"

Wife: "It's really funny how you pronounce 'I want to die'."

So i went to have a prostate exam the other day

The doctor told me to take my underwear and trousers off, but i had a Complete mindblank moment and said "Where should i put them?"

He looked at me with reassuring eyes and replied "Just pop them next to mine".

I wish all doctors were this considerate.

My Nookie Days Are Over

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,

But now I've got a full-time job, to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues,

to see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes!

I was talking to the man at the dry cleaners.

I said, "Can I drop my trousers here tomorrow?"

He said, "Of course."

I'm now banned for indecent exposure.

Why did Levi invent such nice trousers?

Because he had good genes.

Mr.Bond caught pants down

"Ah, Mr Bond, I-"
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
"-wasn't expecting you."

What kind of trousers does Scarface wear?

Al Pa-chinos

I was looking for some camouflage trousers earlier...

But I couldn't find any

I asked Santa for something to wear and something to play with...

He brought me a pair of trousers with holes in the pockets.


Merry Christmas everyone!

A famous Australian fashion designer created a special collection of denim trousers for the indigenous population.

He calls them Aborijeans.

What do midgets wear under their trousers?

Smalls

My trousers don't fit!

This is waist-ist!

My father wore the trousers in the family

at least, after the court order.

What is pink and wrinkly and hangs out grandpas trousers?

Grandma

What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out your trousers?

Your grandma

Why shouldn't you buy trousers in Pripyat?

Chernobyl fallout.

Apparently Sir Elton John is so fat now he has to get trousers custom-made.

Goodbye normal jeans.

I went to by some camouflage trousers the other day....

But I couldn't find 'em.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

I couldn't find any

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a steering wheel attached to the front of his trousers. A man walks up to him and asks, "What's the deal with that wheel?" The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

A bee flew up my trousers today and stung my manhood

I asked the doc to take away the pain but leave the swelling

[Dark joke] The little girl next to a canyon...

A little girl stands next to a canyon crying. An old man stops at her and asks her "whats up? what happened?".
The girl said "My parents fell down and died! Now I am out all alone!". The old man opens his trousers zip. "Doesn't seem to be your day".

Why shouldn't you wear Russian trousers?

Because, Cher-nob-'ll fallout.

Thank you.

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

Did you hear about the scientist who's trousers dropped during a speech?

He'd just won a Nobelt prize

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes