Trouble Jokes
147 trouble jokes and hilarious trouble puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about trouble that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a laugh, this article is for you! Read about the best trouble jokes and understand the meaning behind them. From trouble makers to car trouble, double trouble, and the hassle and discomfort that comes with it, these jokes will sure leave you feeling bitterly amused.
Quick Jump To
- Short Trouble Jokes
- Trouble One Liners
- You Know You Are In Trouble When Jokes
- Car Trouble Jokes
- Trouble Understanding Jokes
- Double Trouble Jokes
- Trouble Maker Jokes
- More Trouble Jokes
Funniest Trouble Short Jokes
Short trouble jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The trouble humour may include short problematic jokes also.
- What's the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
- Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now. And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.
- I tried to be an Uber driver... Trouble is, my passengers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.
- A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached
- Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?
- Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do? Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
- I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence. Can anyone here give me some tips?
I was told you guys are the best at reposting. - Most black 15-year-olds are decent law-abiding citizens. It's their kids that cause all the trouble.
- A boxer was having trouble sleeping. He goes to the doctor.
Doctor asks "Have you tried counting sheep?
Boxer replies "I have but every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up. - I switched all the label on my wife spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet.... but the thyme is cumin.
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Trouble One Liners
Which trouble one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with trouble? I can suggest the ones about difficult and hassle.
- Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble. You have my Word.
- What do you call something that's easy to get into, but hard to get out of? Trouble.
- I started a cold air balloon business. I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.
- I'm having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league. Good players are hard to find.
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- Why did the sun have trouble making friends? It was always too hot to handle.
- Criminal Justice is a lot like racial humor. It's the dark ones that get you in trouble.
- Organic chemistry is difficult Those who study it have alkynes of trouble
- I told my wife that I think our lawn is in trouble. It appears to always be grounded.
- Why did the toilet paper have trouble crossing the road? It got stuck in a crack
- I was having trouble finding a singing partner, so I bought myself a duet yourself kit.
- Why does Morrissey have trouble sleeping? Because there's a light that never goes out.
- I got a bad grade in photography class I had trouble focusing
- The crossed eyed teacher... ...had trouble controling his pupils.
- Girl, is your name Trouble? ...cause your dad tells me I'm in trouble.
You Know You Are In Trouble When Jokes
Here is a list of funny you know you are in trouble when jokes and even better you know you are in trouble when puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law? I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.
- Did you know that R. Kelly wanted to be a pro hockey player? He was good at it too, but the only trouble was that he didn't want to score after the first period.
- I just lent my friend £20,000 for plastic surgery The trouble is I don't know what he looks like now
- My friend doesn't know if he wants the new Xbox X or PS5 A couple of us have tried giving him advice but he's still very troubled about the decision. Nobody can console him.
- "An unknown plight" or "the shortest and worse joke i know" Pedophiles have trouble fitting in.
- This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming, Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?
- Trouble of Child's name. Question: Why do parents give children a middle name?
Answer: So the child knows when it is in seriously in trouble - Did you know Jeff Bezos has trouble sleeping? Unless he has his Pajamazon.
- The trouble with a Covid joke... is that you have to wait 2 weeks to know if you got it.
- TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.
Car Trouble Jokes
Here is a list of funny car trouble jokes and even better car trouble puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car. But they're having trouble installing windows.
- I got in a lot of trouble on a date recently because I didn't open the car door for her Instead I just swam up to the surface
- So I bought a new car, and was having trouble figuring out the new seatbelt... then it clicked.
- Apple just announced their first computerized car, but there is a setback ... They're having trouble installing Windows.
- My friend said he was really down because of his car troubles... I told him i didn't wan't to hear his saab story.
- Did you hear? Apple made a self driving car!
Only problem is, they're having trouble installing windows. - Apple said they are building a new car. Apple said they are building a new car but they are having trouble installing windows.
- Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed? Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.
- I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
- My car had trouble starting So I asked a mechanic friend to take a look at my car.
He replied, "Yup. That's a car"
Trouble Understanding Jokes
Here is a list of funny trouble understanding jokes and even better trouble understanding puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was having trouble understanding the importance of the computer mouse... And then it clicked.
- Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions? Our helpline is open 24/7...
- Trouble with Fractions Did you know that more than three-halves of people have trouble understanding fractions?
Double Trouble Jokes
Here is a list of funny double trouble jokes and even better double trouble puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does a witch order at In-N-Out Burger? A double-double, toil and trouble....
- If an Indian programmer has no bread and his computations don't even give #NAN that's double trouble.
- Did you hear about the witch who ate 10 packs of gum? She had some double bubble toilet trouble.
- A man from East Kent There once was a man from East Kent,
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
To save her some trouble,
he folded it double.
And instead of coming, he went. - I figured out why Bono got in all that tax trouble. He got double U2s.
- Because of my dyslexia, I've always had trouble telling apart the plus sign and multiplication sign. Every time I think I'm adding 3+3, I'm always doubling myself.
Trouble Maker Jokes
Here is a list of funny trouble maker jokes and even better trouble maker puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- George ohm is a real trouble maker I mean who else gets arrested for resisting as much as he does?
Cheerful Fun Trouble Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about trouble you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean problem jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make trouble pranks.
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
'He's like a fish out of water.'
'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
'No, I mean he's dead.'
-Mike Close-
I was waiting in line at the ATM
when I noticed the old woman in front of me having a bit of trouble using the machine. I walked up to her and asked if she needed any help. She turned to me and asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.
An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
The two troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
A penguin is having car trouble...
A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."
Why is a pizza delivery guy like a gynecologist?
They're allowed to smell it, but they get in trouble if they eat it.
Teehee
I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.
The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.
What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?
"Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."
What's black, white, red, and has trouble going through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
A man takes his dog to a vet...
A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.
So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my legs".
The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"
"It's for my schnauzer. "
Then don't ride your bike for a few days.
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died?
At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
A guy and his wife are in bed late at night...
... when they hear a knock on the door. The guy goes to the door and answers it and there's a man standing there who says, Hey, guy, can you give me a push?
The guy who answered the door says, no, get lost , and slams the door shut.
He goes back to his bed and his wife asks him what that was all about. He tells her there was this guy at the door wanting a push, and he said no.
She says, Go out there and give him a push. He's probably having car trouble. If you were in need of a push, wouldn't you want someone to get up and help you out?
Reluctantly, he gets out of bed, throws on some shoes and pants and goes out the door. He goes all the way out to the street but doesn't see the man. Out loud, he says, Hey buddy, you still need a push?
The other man says, Yeah .
So the first guy says, Well, where are ya?
The second man says, I'm over here…on the swing.
So a penguin is driving along one day...
... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.
As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"
A penguin has some car trouble...
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German
were watching an excellent street performer juggling. The street performing noticed the four gentlemens were having trouble seeing him, so he stood up on a crate and asked "can you see me now?".
The four men answered back "Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"
So this atheist explorer is in trouble...
...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm s**...!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're s**...!'
A husband was in big trouble...
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
f**... arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?
The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.
Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.
If your method of birth control is abstinence...
...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.
I always wanted to tell jokes...
I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?
Because his number couldn't fit in their phones
Welcome back to /u/JokeExplainBot
I banned on a rule that we had enforced in the past. However, we talked the issue over and were able to reach common ground. Sorry for any trouble this caused.
/u/ElderCunningham
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
Why is a UTI such a bad thing?
Because it means u**... trouble
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
u**... trouble.
I find certain races unattractive...
Marathons are one thing, but triathlons seem like too much trouble.
girl are u my neighbor's wifi?
cuz u have a s**... name and im having trouble connecting
My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble.
I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions
If you have bladder problems...
u**... trouble
A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.
A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had s**... with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".
Math jokes never work on me
I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
God said to set up a router and free Wi-Fi in the tabernacle...
...but Moses is having a little trouble finding the promised LAN.
A frog and his froggy son go to a restaurant...
The young frog has been having trouble eating food, and not much seemed to help. The two are eating, and the little frog manages to s**... something without any issues! The father frog notices that the son didn't upchuck. Beaming with pride, the father frog grins over at his son.
"Ah, son! Your fly is down!"
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
My kids are nothing but trouble.
I told my son "One day you'll have kids of your own." He said "So will you."
A straight flush beats a full house
A full house means u**... trouble
What did the doctor say to the patient with a bladder infection?
u**... Trouble
A blonde girl gets pulled over by a blonde police officer for speeding...
The Police officer asks for a drivers license & the blonde starts going through her bag looking for it.
She's getting increasingly frustrated as she looks for the drivers license & asks the police officer for assistance.
The blonde asks: "I'm having trouble finding it... Can you please tell me what it is suppose to look like?"
The officer responds: "Sure, it's just a square that has your picture on it."
After a bit more rustling through her bag, she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't realise you were a police officer! You can go"
If you are having trouble being the only fat person in your class...
Just remember that Kim Jong-un is the only fat person in his country.
Trouble with the car
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant...
Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.
Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"
Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the m**......
The judges have started issuing joint custody
What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?
They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.
If I go through the trouble of making you breakfast in bed, all I ask for is a simple thank you.
Not all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.
A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle.....
...so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together. After a while she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend. He asks her what is wrong and she tells him about the trouble she is having with the puzzle. He tells her to look at the picture on the front and tell him what it looks like. The blonde says, Okay, well, the background is blue and there is a tiger on it.
After a long pause her boyfriend sighs and says, Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box.
When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.
Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.
One man pulled out a letter, cleared his t**..., and read,
"C, eh."
The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,
"N, eh."
This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,
"D, eh."
I got in trouble for using performance enhancing drugs
I took a placebo before my psychology exam
Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...
The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.
The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.
The third old man says, every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.
The other two men look at him and say what's wrong with that?
The third old man says, I don't wake up until 7:30.
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she wants to have s**... with me.
I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
I had trouble making friends in college, but then came up with a foolproof plan.
I started telling girls I love them. Their first reaction was to say let's just be friends.
Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant
Ten minutes into the meal, Luke's still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, *Use the forks, Luke.*
My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted m**....
In New York there are many tattoo artists from all over the world, but for some reason the artists from Spain have trouble getting business.
Why? Because nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!
Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...
"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."
"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food for both of us."
A few minutes later, the students again notice that the only elderly man is eating while his wife sits in still silence.
"Perhaps we could get that meal for you after all?" another student asks sheepishly. To which the woman replies:
"Oh no, it's fine. I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
The troubles of foreigners in Canada
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him.
A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.
The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having s**... with the chemist's wife.
"Oh, that's different. I didnt realise you had a prescription"
3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.
First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to p**... with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I c**... till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar..
It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff , said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, if it's not too much trouble , he replied.
Sure , said the bartender, no hassle .
A blonde arrives at work crying out loud
The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:
"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."
The boss comforts her:
"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."
The blonde refuses, saying that she better work to forget about the trouble.
Five minutes later the boss finds the blonde crying even louder.
"What else happened?" he asks her.
To which she responds:
"My sister just called and told me her mother died too."
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Got in trouble with wife last night....
I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova.
She said "Because I am so hot?"
I shouldn't have replied "no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate."
