Tree Jokes
170 tree jokes and hilarious tree puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tree that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Tree Short Jokes
Short tree jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tree humour may include short forest jokes also.
- Joke from my 12 year old why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!
Please don't ban me - The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two." - When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
- A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees. How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
Easy. I keep a log. - a man is chopping down a tree the tree says Wait, i'm a talking tree
the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says and you will dialogue. - If a tree falls..... A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.
Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"
Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!" - So 2 trees got arrested in the town I live... Heard they've been doing some shady business.
- What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
- Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
- Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!
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Tree One Liners
Which tree one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tree? I can suggest the ones about trail and plant.
- How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
- I can cut down a tree just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- Why did the fox News Christmas tree catch fire? They left it too close to the gaslight.
- What is the scariest tree? BamBOO!
- What's green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table
- Two asexuals are sitting in a tree S-I-T-T-I-N-G
- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are really good at it.
- What's an acorn ? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
- I can't come up with any jokes about cutting down trees. I'm stumped.
- Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?" Him: "No, I hit trees."
- I have a pet tree... It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
- Why did the polynomial tree fall over? It didn't have any real roots
- Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing... But it's up there.
- When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees Sycamore
- What do you call three Irish lumberjacks? Tree fellers
Falling Tree Jokes
Here is a list of funny falling tree jokes and even better falling tree puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first? The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.
- Why did Isaac Newton's son know so much about gravity? The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
- A tree falls on a woman. Does it make a sound? Idk. The better question is why is there a tree in the kitchen?
- Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall. The other one said Don't worry man, I'm a cashew
- Friends are like trees They fall down when you hit them with an axe
- How do you make leaves fall off of trees? You don't - they do it autumn-atically
- If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it... does is lay on the ground, or lie?
- If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it... a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.
- I recently tried the fruitarian diet, where you can only eat things that fall from trees I only lasted a day. All I had was 3 apples and an owl.
- Why shouldn't you have a conversation under a tree in the fall? There may be leavesdropping
Tree Falls Jokes
Here is a list of funny tree falls jokes and even better tree falls puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the tree say to the lumberjack? I'm falling for you
- You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.
- Fill in the blank: Friends are like_____ mine is "Friends are like trees, if you hit them with an axe they fall over."
- If a tree falls in the woods.... .....and no one is around to hear it.
Will a hipster buy the soundtrack? - Why did the tree fall on the computer? It wanted to log in.
- So if Lucy died 3.2 million years ago after falling from a tree... ...does that qualify her for a Darwin award?
- Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing? Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.
- If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's around to hear it Does it still let everyone know it updated its privacy policy?
- Did you know that when leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn, it's because of nostalgia? They're trying to get back to their roots.
- If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it... Then Scott Pruitt's environmental plan is working.
Cutting Down Tree Jokes
Here is a list of funny cutting down tree jokes and even better cutting down tree puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees ? He saw too much
- How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? You cut the rope
- It's unwise to cut down a forest on your own. It usually takes tree fellers or more.
- I cut down a tree by just staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
- Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars? Shuriken.
(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like) - A passer by asked a tree surgeon how many trees he has cut down... Surgeon: Exactly 178,794
Passerby: Wow, how do you know that?
Surgeon: I keep a log - How do you get a depressed person out of a tree? You cut the rope…
- How do you get Donald Trump to cut down a tree? Tell him it's one of the pillars of our democracy.
- What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment? He used a huge axe, man.
- Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees? They have three axes.
Cutting Tree Jokes
Here is a list of funny cutting tree jokes and even better cutting tree puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees? _In a New England accent..._
A Boston lager.
.
.
.
.
.
I made this up yesterday in the car.
- I hurt my back while cutting down a tree. Guess you could say I have lumber problems.
- What do you call a mathematician who cuts down trees? A numberjack.
- What's the difference between jeweler, a cut down tree, and a sea captain? A sea captain watches the seas, while a jeweler sees the watches.
- How can you tell that only male beavers cut down trees? Because they're all fellers.
- New leaks reveal that George Washington didn't cut down that cherry tree it was actually brought down by Russian hackers
- What do trees say when they get cut down? I'm stumped.
- Yesterday this guy walks up on my lawn and gives me the finger. I swear that's the last time I try to cut my tree limbs without gloves.
- What does a bro use to cut down a tree? A suh, dude.
- Why did you cut me down, lumberjack? Lumberjack: Oh, you really don't know why?
Tree: Sorry, I'm stumped.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Tree Jokes
What funny jokes about tree you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean yard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tree pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my i**... logging business is a success.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!
The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
A little lizard
A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....
... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...
The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started b**... his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"
Two bats are sitting in a cave...
...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.
About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".
"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."
"Yeah?", says his buddy.
He replies, "Well.....I didn't".
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
A young tree, curious about his lineage, asked an older tree, "Am I the son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"
The older tree replied, "I don't know, but your mom was the finest piece of ash in the forest!"
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
A peeping tom fell out if a tree, where did he end up?
In the ICU
Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
What kind of tree would Hanna Montana be?
A 'Miley Cyprus'.
Dear god, shoot me.
My tree went missing.....
so I took a picture of it and nailed it to a dog.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite blonde joke.
A blonde was tired of all the a**... she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.
A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the a**... anymore."
The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."
She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."
Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...
...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.
Ruth and Johnny
Ruth and Johnny, side by side, went out for an auto ride. They hit a bump, Ruth hit a tree, Johnny kept going Ruthlessly.
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
I just finished decorating my xmas tree with tampons.
For the Christmas period.
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
What does a tree do when he's going on a vacation?
He packs his trunk and leaves.
I should go back to studying now. K bye.
When a maple syrup producer sees a maple tree they don't own, do they think "I'd tap that"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call two crows sitting in a tree?
Attempted m**...
When girls change their clothes in front of you...
When girls change their clothes in front of you, she either really wants the D, you're in friend zone level 99 or..
she hasn't noticed you in the tree yet.
Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
A bear climbs a tree....
a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"
the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."
the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."
the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
How do trees encourage one another?
They say "I'm rooting for you"
A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...
Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"
Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"
Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"
Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"
My favorite tree died earlier.
Now I have mourning wood.
If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors...
Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bats...
were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".
He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.
Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".
The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".
"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.
"Then you see a tree"
"Yeah"
"Well, I didn't".
What tree gives the best high-fives?
A PALM tree!
What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?
They're both tree fellers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Police officers.
Two police officers c**... their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do b**... and apples have in common?
If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree.
Da h**..., no I didnt.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.
For Jesus.
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
If trees produced wifi we'd be planting them everywhere...
... too bad they only produce oxygen.
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
What's the worst type of tree to give as a wedding gift?
An adult tree
How do you tell an optimistic tree from a pessimistic tree?
If it's negative, its roots are imaginary.
Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?
A lemon tree, dear Watson.
Why does a surfing tree not drown?
Because it wears Wooden Trunks!
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree
Son: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."
Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."
Dad: "I slipped in cider."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: sure, why not! So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
What do you call a tree that grows meat?
Dmitry!
A tree will never hit you
They're all bark and no bite
What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?
The bark.
What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?
The branches.
What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?
The trunk.
What's my father's favourite part of the tree?
The leaves :(
I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...
Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I s**...!
Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.
One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes' diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...
To which Sherlock replied, Why, that's a lemon tree, my dear Watson.
A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.
When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick.
I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
How did the trees feel when winter was finally over
Releafed
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry.
(came up with that in the shower)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 20 years old girl returned to her home , looking Happy.
'Mom , look I got 10$ ! ' she exclaimed. Surprised , her mother asked ' honey , you had gone to the forest. how did you get this money ?'
' When I was roaming in the forest, a middle-aged man came to me and said that he would give me 10$ if I would climb a tree. '
Shocked, her mother replied ' Oh no dear , you don't understand . You are wearing a skirt and by climbing the tree, he wanted to see your p**....'
The daughter replied ' Don't worry mom , I am very clever . I knew this and so I removed my p**... before climbing the tree.'
