Tree Branch Jokes
88 tree branch jokes and hilarious tree branch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tree branch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Tree Branch Short Jokes
Short tree branch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tree branch humour may include short tree trunk jokes also.
- TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown. It was a coup-stick.
- Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars? Shuriken.
(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like) - An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm. He thought of himself as a branch manager.
- If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool ...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.
Now you've got a swing. - A Tree walks into a bank... ...and says to the teller, "I'd like to take out a loan."
The teller replies, "You'll have to talk to our branch manager." - A Buddhist says he will be a Tree instead of an animal in his next life. He really just wanted to branch out.
- Why did the tree leave his career of 15 years to start his own business? ...he wanted to branch out.
- Why didn't the comedian make a tree joke? He wood have, but he decided to leaf it to other branches of the community.
- Southern family trees are like palm trees... No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits
- A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch... BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird)
BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.
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Tree Branch One Liners
Which tree branch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tree branch? I can suggest the ones about tree stand and branch.
- If money doesn't grow on trees... Then why does every bank have so many branches?
- How does a tree like to communicate on the first day of spring? It branches out!
- Which side of the tree has the most branches? The outside.
- What do you call a guy in a suit sitting in a tree? Branch Manager
- Why could the chef not cook a tree branch? Because he used a non-stick pan.
- What did the tree do when the bank closed? It started its own branch
- Why don't people from Alabama have family trees? Because it's just one long branch.
- Why are branches attached to trees? Because they stick
- What job position do tree trunks have? They are branch managers
- One Bored Tree to another... I think I'll branch out...
- I 3D printed a tree branch today It's PLA stick
- I climbed on a tree with a suitcase. My aim is to become a branch manager.
- What advice would you give a narrow tree? Branch out.
- Why did the cop climb the tree? He worked for a special branch.
- What do you call an armenian in a tree? Branch manager
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Tree Branch Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about tree branch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tree grows jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tree branch pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic g**... a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man takes his friend gorilla hunting...
He says :
"All you need is a trained dog, a net and a shotgun. I'll climb the tree where the gorilla is sitting and I will shake the branches as hard as I can ! As soon as the gorilla falls on the ground, the dog will bite and rip off his g**.... When it's done, you will be able to put the net on the gorilla and capture him !"
His friend asks :
" Yeah, that sounds nice, but what do we need a shotgun for then ?"
The hunter replies :
"If I fall from the tree...kill the dog."
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
b**...
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him right out of the tree.
Moral of the story: b**... might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Corporate Lessons
**Lesson No. 1**
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing at all the whole day?"
The crow answered: ""Sure, why not."
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, leapt on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral: *To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.*
**Lesson No. 2**
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings," replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him the strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, he proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral: *b**... might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.*
Hunter meets bear in woods.
There is a hunter in the woods. He's after a bear. All of a sudden a bear appears from behind a tree, pushes him to the ground and roughly sodomizes him. After a little while the hunter picks himself up and goes back to his truck and gets an elephant gun. He's going to get that bear. He's walking through the woods, and....(pause for effect) the bear falls from a branch on top of him, pushes him down on the ground and then roughly sodomizes him. After a long while, the hunter gets up, goes to his survivalist friend and gets a fully automatic AK47.
Now he comes back, walks through the woods and gets to a cave - the bear must be here! He enters the cave and must have walked right by him because he hears the bear whisper in his ear " You don't come here for the HUNTING do you?"
Once upon a time, there was a baby turtle...
...and this turtle was trying to climb one of the highest trees in the forest. It was an arduous and time consuming job, but the little turtle kept going for hours and hours, until he finally reached the top of the tree. Once there, he looks down, counts to three, and jumps off. The little turtle, bounces off a couple of branches and lands on the ground upside down. He fought and fought, and finally, got on his feet and was determined to climb that tree again. After a couple more hours, he finally reached the top, counted to three, and jumped again. He bounced off the branches and once again landed on his shell. Even more determined than before the turtle gets on his feet, climbs the tree and jumps once more.
A couple of feet away there were two pigeons who were watching the events unfold, when one of them says to the other "Honey, I think it's time to tell little Jimmy that he's adopted."
Two Mexican men have just crossed the border into the U.S.
They are now wandering through the Arizona desert. In short time, they become lost amongst the sand, praying for any sign of civilization. They spend days out there, and are on the verge of death from heat and starvation.
When suddenly, a shining oasis appears before them. The water is crystal clear and it is surrounded with lush foliage. And in the center is one specific tree. It is a majestic plant and from it's branches hang the most unexpected of things.
Bacon. Delicious, crispy bacon. Enough to feed a man for days. Without even thinking, one of the men bolts for the oasis, desperate for food and water. As he reaches the half way point, from behind the tree springs forth a man wielding a machine gun. The poor immigrant is gunned down and lays in the sand, dieing. His friend runs to him and says
> Miguel, are you alright? What happened to you?
To which the man responds, looking up at his friend with his dieing breath
> Pedro, it is not a bacon tree...it is a hambush.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Office jokes.
A rabbit saw a bird sitting on a branch doing nothing and thought it looked good so he asked the bird, "Hey! That look good. Can I sit here and do nothing too?"
The bird nodded.
As soon as the rabbit sat down the the base of the tree a fox ran up and ate the rabbit.
Moral of the story? When you want to sit and do nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
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A turkey wanted to climb a tree and tried as hard as he could but could only make it to the first branch.
So he asked his strong bovine friend for help, "Hey can you help me get to the top of that tree?"
"Sure," he replied, "Just eat some of my dropping as they are packed with nutrients!"
The turkey did and was able to reach the 3rd branch. So he decides to eat even more and this time he makes it to the 7th. Then he eats as much as he possible can and he finally made it to the top!
Then he got tired and the wind easily blew him off and he hit the ground and died.
Moral of the story? b**... may get you to the top but it wont keep you there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Read this one a couple years ago, a little dirty but pretty funny.
In a local park trees are being removed to clear space for a playground. As the men are working, a group of world conservationalists climb the trees and protest to the removal. As one woman was chanting she slipped and fell out of the tree falling on a few branches on the way down. With her g**... full of splinters and bark she was rushed to the emergency room. She was looked at by the doctor and he told her to wait. After a few hours in excruciating pain he came back and she yelled at him for taking so long. He told her "Sorry, I had to get the right permits to remove lumber from a recreational area."
Two Mexican Brothers
So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted.
Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reaching out his hand.
"Emelio, look!"
Emelio looks, he sees nothing.
"Ramon, what's wrong? What is it?"
"Look at that tree, Emelio! Bacon sprouts from its branches! We are saved!"
"Ramon, it's just a mirage, there's nothing there!"
Ramon summons up all his strength and runs for the tree, Emelio still protesting that it's nothing but a mirage.
Five prison guards pop up from the sand and fire on Ramon, knocking him to the ground, fatally wounded.
Emelio runs to his brother's side.
"Jesus, Ramon, are you okay?"
"Emelio...it wasn't a bacon tree...it was a hambush"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Real b**...!!
A turkey was chatting with a bull I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: b**... might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
A squirrel and an owl are sitting on a tree branch, watching a farmer plow his field...
The owl looks at the squirrel, and doesn't say anything, because owls don't talk.
Then the owl eats the squirrel, because he's a bird of prey.
a man runs into a bank holding a tree branch and yells...
The Stat Hunters
Two statisticians are out hunting. They see a bird sitting on a tree branch someways out. "Go ahead, take first crack at it!" says the first statistician. The second statistician shoots 7 inches too high. The first statistician then aims, and quickly shoots 7 inches too low. The two men look at each other, then simultaneously high five and say "Nice shot!"
What do a chicken and a tree with no branches have in common?
They're both pole tree.
The monkey and the lizard
Lizard is walking through the woods when he sees Monkey up in the branches of a tree.
"Hello there, Monkey! What are you up to today?"
"Hey Lizard. I was just about to smoke this joint."
"I'll be right up."
After he tokes, Lizard says, "Monkey, I have cotton mouth, real bad. I'm going down to the river for a drink of fresh water."
When Lizard reaches the river, he leans over and drinks and drinks. Alligator swims up and says, "Slow down, Lizard! Why are you drinking so much water?"
"Well I was smoking a joint with Monkey up in a tree and I got cotton mouth real bad."
"Wait a minute. Monkey has a joint? In a tree? This I've got to see."
Alligator gets out of the river and goes waddling up to the tree.
"Say, Monkey..."
"Jesus Lizard! How much water did you drink, man?"
What do you call an elite team of crime solving tree surgeons?
Special branch.
What did the poplar tree say to the weeping willow?
Hey pal, you just need to branch out more.
I think 2016 is gonna be the year i become a tree
It's always import to branch out
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know you are a r**...?
Your family tree has no branches
Why was the tree in prison?
Because it broke every branch of the law.
Did you hear ab the cat who climbed the tree outside the bank?
They made him branch manager
What does a tree put on salad?
Branch Dressing
Why do trees have so many friends?
They branch out
What did the trees say to eachother?
Oh snap that tree branch!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey
A turkey was chatting with a bull I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.
**Moral of the story**: b**... might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Why don't trees use git?
Too many branches
Why do trees comb their branches?
So they don't get knots.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Timmy the Turtle...
Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."
What do you call a tree with its branch cut off?
Amputree
What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?
The bark.
What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?
The branches.
What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?
The trunk.
What's my father's favourite part of the tree?
The leaves :(
I've owned a tree store for years and we just started making a profit.
Wasn't until we branched out, that we started seeing the green.
Doctor doctor...
...I feel like a tree.
Doctor: *arms folded/quizzical look on his face* Ok. Stand up straight please and raise your arms slowly.
Me: *reluctantly does as asked*
Doctor: Ahhh I see, don't worry. It looks like you're branching out.
What do you use to cut down branches from a tree?
Uhuh,
Ashadude.
Why was the tree shy?
It couldn't branch out
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the p**... that had tree branches for hands?
She had to beat all the men off with a stick.
Elton John
On vacation, Elton John finds himself meandering in a Mediterranean orchard. Spying a tree, Elton decides to relive some boyhood memories and climb a tree, albeit only the first branch.
As Elton sits, his well-heeled (and sparkly) feet dangling, a local boy walks by. Waving, Elton call out, "Would you like anything?"
"Fig!" The boy yells back.
Offended, Elton crosses his arms. "What did you call me?"
"No," the boy replies, pointing, "THAT low hanging fruit!"
A tree lives next to a lake. One day, the tree loses a branch and asks the lake, "Would you bring that back to me?"
The lake says he shorewood.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do tree branches have o**... s**...?
They sticksty-nine
What is so you call is the branch manager tree talk manager?😆😆
A branch manager 😄🤣🤣🤣
Quick question, if money doesn't grow on trees
then why do banks have branches?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The teacher ask Bob a question
"If 3 birds are sitting on a tree branch, then i shot one with a rifle, how many are they left?"
\*None miss, they left because they were scared\*
"No Bob they are 2 remaining, but i like the way you think"
Bob then remain silent for a bit, and ask the teacher something
\*3 Woman are walking down the street, each one with an ice-cream. One is l**... it, one is s**... it, one is biting it. Wich one is maried\*
"I think it's the one who s**... it"
\*No it's the one with the wedding ring, but i like the way you think\*
Why can't money grow on the branches of trees?
Because it is the root of all evil and leaves a bad impression.
We went to visit my brother in hospital because he had crashed his motorbike into a tree and impaled himself onto a tree branch i asked the doctor "How is he?"...
The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet"....
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
A guy was cutting some branches off a tree next to an asylum and fell inside
The knife fell far away, and a prisoner inside got it before he did, and he started running towards him with the knife.
He ran for his life, until he couldn't run anymore, he fell.
When the prisoner reached him, he dropped the knife next to him and said Your turn!
One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.
They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.
"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.
"Yes," replies the monkey.
Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
The monkey rolls his eyes. "Am I the only one in this whole jungle who knows how to drive a stick?"
