travel Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious travel puns

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

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Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary and cannot remember the gift that you sent. I may correspond in the future with you further."

Days later in the wise men's house, another letter arrives.

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An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

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If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

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After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.

According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

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Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?

Because they literally can't even.

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An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.


Your son,
Nasser


The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Ninety million US Dollars have just been transferred to your account.
Please, stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love,
Your Dad

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I was going to post a time travel joke

But you guys didn't like it.

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I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it.

So I choose not to post it this time around

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I was going to tell a time travel joke...

but you didn't like it.

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Why do white girls travel in odd-numbered groups?

They literally can't even.

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Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

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If I Cuold Time Travel

I would fix the title.

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A rich guy suspects that his wife is cheating on him. So he hid a razor in her vagina when she was drunk

He told his 3 bodyguards that he was going to travel for a few days. When he came back he assembled them in a room and asked the first one to take off his pants, his dick was fine so he dismissed so he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room, the second one was asked the same thing and his dick was fine as well so he dismissed him, again he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room. The third one's dick was fine as well. The rich guy was confused but he dismissed him anyways the bodyguard said ''Yeth Thir'' and left the room.

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I'd tell you a great time travel joke...

but you didn't like it..

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Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

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So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..

But you didn't like it.

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A rich Arab student e-mails his dad...

A rich Arab student e-mails his dad and says:

Dear Father,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Rolls Royce Phantom when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Hassan.

A day later his father replies:

Dear Hassan,

Fifty million euros have been transferred to your account, stop embarrassing your family and buy yourself a train too.

Love you, Dad.

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Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

"How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer.

"Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

"Wait and watch" answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

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An Arab student e-mails his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.


The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:


My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love,
your Dad

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But you didn't like it.

I was going to tell you a time travel joke.

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Teacher asks Johnny what he want to be when he grows up.

"I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari over a million, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an Infinite visa card, and make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
"And you, Tanya?"
"Ma'am, I have no doubt, I want to be Johnny's bitch..."

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Why do teenage girls travel in odd number groups?

Because they can't even

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3 Men die and go to heaven...

3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First man steps up and St. Peter says, "Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."
Shawn grabs the keys and takes off down the road.
The second man steps forward.
"Ok James you too have been faithful here are the keys to your McClaren F1."
James snatches the key and disappears promptly.
The third man slowly shuffles forward...
"Kevin it saddens me to see that you have committed adultery twice, you must drive this 1989 Accord with only spare tires."
He too leaves.
When Kevin arrives at heaven he sees James and Shawn but Shawn is clearly angry, Kevin asks what's the matter to which Shawn replies, "I JUST PASSED MY WIFE ON A DAMN SKATEBOARD!"

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The Job Interview

Me: "Time travel"

Potential Employer: "What would you say is your greatest stre-WHAT THE FUCK?!?

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If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

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A teacher asks her kids in class....

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD?

It took the bus.

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God decides to take a vacation...

So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."

God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."

So the agents says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."

God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water."

The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!"

God thinks about it again before saying, "No... I went there a couple thousand years ago and knocked up some Jewish girl and they've been talking about it ever since."

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What kind of trails does a crazy person travel?

Psychopaths. (I hate myself)

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A traveling salesman knocks on a door

A 10 year old kid answers holding a scotch and a cigar.
The salesman asks,

"are your parents home?"

the kid answers:

"what the fuck do you think?"

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I was actually going to post a time travel joke...

But you guys didn't like it.

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A man is travelling through the desert on a camel.

After a few days of travel the camel starts slowing down and eventually stops. The man gets of and starts dragging the camel after him when he sees an oasis in the distance. He drags the camel to the oasis where there is a woman standing on a ramp with a hammer in her hand. "Friend, did he stop?" The woman asks. "Yes." He answers. "Drag it on the ramp." The man drags the camel on the ramp. The woman takes the hammer and hits the camel on the balls hard. The camel springs up and starts running away. "How am I supposed to catch up to it now?" The outraged man asks. "Stand on the ramp." Answers the woman.

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A traveling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door.

A 10 year old boy answers the door in a dress and bra with a cigar in one hand and whiskey in the other. The traveling salesman asks, "Excuse me, are your parents home?"
The boy responds, "What the fuck do you think??"

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How do flat-earthers travel?

on a plane...

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Four guys are out golfing,

and catching up on old times. Before starting, one guy needs to go rent some clubs so while he's away, the other three start talking about their sons.

"Hey, hows you're boy doing?"

"Oh he's doing great! Well, my son's travel agency has been doing really well, so well in fact that he's giving his best customer a 2 week stay at the Four-season's in the bahamas, for absolutely nothing! Free!"


"No kidding!" Said the next guy, "Well my son's car dealership has really taken off and he's even starting to sell Ferrari's now. Hell, he had such a good year he gave a Ferrari away to a buddy of his, FOR FREE!"

The third guy, not to be undone, chimes in "Well my boy is making so much money at his real estate firm and selling so many houses, just last month he gave a 2 Million dollar house to his pal, just for the hell of it!"

Finally, the fourth guy returns to the group, and the guys ask what his son is up to now.

"Oh....well...actually he's been working as a male prostitute for a while."

The other three all sympathize, "oh man I'm so sorry that's gotta be terrible for you, he must be on hard times, huh?"

The fourth guy responds "No! Actually, he's never done better. Hell, just last month one customer gave him a Ferrari, a week ago he moved into a 2 million dollar house, and soon he's spending 2 weeks in the Bahamas."

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ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

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Three Americans visit saudi Arabia

They're having a good time and decide to travel through the desert, on the third day they come across a tent in the middle of nowhere with a DO NOT ENTER sign in many languages, of course they ignore it.
In the tent are over 100 naked beautiful women, they have a good time, is much sexiness.
Suddenly the tent flap opens and an angry Sheik stands there very angry, also mad "You have violated this place, only I can look on and touch these women, you must be punished! You! What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a police"
"Then we shoot your cock off!" Bang
"And you, what do you do?"
"I'm a fireman"
Then we burn your cock off!" Burn
"And finally you, what do you do?"
"I'm a lollypop salesman"

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A teacher asks Johnny, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I want to be a billionaire, go to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an infinite Visa card, and make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson: "and you Marie?"
"Ma'am, I have no doubt, I want to be Johnny's bitch!"

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A traveler notices an old man pounding drinks in an Irish pub...

He walks over and asks if the man is ok. He replies, "You know, I built the bridge that spans the stream in the middle of this village. But do you think they call me MacInnis the bridge builder?"
"No?" Responded the traveler.
"You're damn right they don't. I fought for the Allies against the Nazis in World War II. But do they call me MacInnes the soldier?"
"No they don't," said the traveler.
"Not once. I taught English for 30 years in the village schoolhouse. But do they call me MacInnes the schoolteacher?"
"I'm guessing not."
"Of course not!" spat MacInnes. He downed the last of his whiskey. "But you fuck one goat..."

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A travelling salesman knocks on a door...

And a ten year old boy answers the door wearing high heels, and a brown bra, smoking a cigar, and drinking scotch.

The salesman says, "woah. Hey, little fella'. Are you parents home?"

The boy answers, "what the fuck do you think?"

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A traveling salesman...

A traveling salesman couldn't find a hotel one night.

He saw a light on a deserted road, and decided to knock on the door. It turned out to be a monastery; the monks were preparing dinner.

He was invited to join the others while the food was being prepared. They sat round in a circle; each monk would recite a number and the others would laugh. Intrigued, the salesman spoke up.

What are you guys doing?

One of the elder monks replied, We're telling jokes.

By saying numbers?

Yes. You see, we've heard the jokes so many times, we have them catalogued. We don't need to tell the whole joke; we just refer to its number. Go ahead and try.

The salesman thought for a second, and said, 78.

The monks were in hysterics. Some were doubled over with laughter, others had tears rolling down their eyes, a few were pounding the table with their fists.

When the laughter died down, the traveler asked, Can you tell me what's so funny?

We never heard that one before!

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What do you want to be when you grow up?

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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If A Democrat Wins, I'm Leaving,

If a Republican wins, I'm also leaving.

This has nothing to do with politics.

I just really want to travel.

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Time travel jokes never get old.

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I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"

...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."

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A traveling salesman walks up to the front door of a house...

...When he rings the doorbell, the door is answered by an eight year old boy carrying a beer in one hand, a Hustler magazine in the other and a huge cigar in his mouth.

The salesman, a bit surprised, says, "Hello, little boy, are your parents home?"

The boy takes a puff of the cigar, blowing smoke in the salesman's face, and says, "What the fuck do you think?"

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I met my wife in a travel agency.

She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

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t now! What do we want?

More time travel jokes! When do we want them? Righ

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A Native American tribe are looking for buffalo to hunt.

As they travel along, one member puts his ear to the ground for a moment and then says: Buffalo come.

The chief asks How can you tell?

The man replies Sticky ear.

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I was going to post a time travel joke...

But you guys didn't find it funny

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An Australian in Greece

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to make whoopee.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for some whoopee. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will make whoopee with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street," he replies. This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?"

He says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

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A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?

The husband said: I've heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.

After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where's the girl?
She responds with: you'll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive

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Little Johnny...again.

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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I was about to tell you time travel joke

But you didn't like it.

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A travelling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door.

A travelling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door.

A 10 year old boy answers the door in a dress and bra with a cigar in one hand and whiskey in the other. The traveling salesman asks, "Excuse me, are your parents home?" The boy responds "What the fuck do you think??"

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Yes, it is.

Is time travel possible?

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A young woman, her mother, and two men travel on a train. The train enters a tunnel. The sound of a kiss is heard, followed quickly by a slap.

The mother thinks: One of the men kissed my daughter, but she defended her honor.

The daughter thinks: One of the men tried to kiss me, but kissed my mother in the darkness instead, and she slapped him on the face!

The boss thinks: This idiot kissed the young lady and she tried to slap him, but she missed in the dark and hit me instead!

The other man thinks: Haha! Gotcha! I made a kissing sound in the air and slapped my boss on his face!

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"What do we want!?" "TIME TRAVEL!!"

"When do we want it?!"
"IT'S IRRELEVANT!"

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I'd tell you a good time travel joke

But you didn't get it

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Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China

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Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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So a travelling salesman is going door to door...

Walks up to large house at the end of the block and knocks on the door. A young man aged 13-14 answers the door in a smoking jacket, cigar and glass of scotch in hand. The salesman taken aback asks "Are your parents home?" The young man pauses looks at the salesman and replies "What the fuck do you think?"

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I had a joke about time travel....

... But you guys didnt like it

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I friend of mine has two tickets to the Super Bowl.

They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accomodation. He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that it was the same date as his wedding - so now he can't go.

So if you're interested and want to go instead of him. It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.

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If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political joke, I just really wanna travel.

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Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

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The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence..

Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough

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time travel joke?

Wanna hear a

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Two travellers a boy scout and a priest are on a crashing plane...

The first traveller tells the second: there's only one parachute, the boy scout is the youngest he should take it.

The second traveller replies: Nah fuck him.

The priest asks: Do you think we have time?

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The job of your dreams

Do you want to drive a vehicle worth $100,000?

Do you want a corner office with windows?

Do you love to travel?


If so, then become a bus driver!

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This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.

i have no idea where this is going

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Why does light travel faster than sound?

Because some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Travelling Tip

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.

I leave the number of the room next to me.

It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,

"Why are you calling me?"

Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.

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Good Mother in Law

A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?

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A traveling salesman...

is going door to door and he stops at a house and rings the bell. A boy about nine years old opens it, and he's got a towel tied around his neck like a cape, a snifter of brandy in one hand, and a cigar in his mouth.

The salesman asks "Are your parents at home?"

The boy takes the cigar out of his mouth and says "Does it fucking look like they are?"

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A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder

A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out.

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Donald Trump's speeches can travel faster than the speed of light

Cuz they contain no information

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Bungee Jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is
a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they
are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly,
more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy
jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back
up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised
and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy
falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty
messed up he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this
time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is
a pinata?"

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Please listen closely...

Attention: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII and Wednesday comes *after* Tuesday.

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How fast does light travel?

I don't know. But it gets here too early in the morning.

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Researchers rolled an assortment of vegetables down a hill to see which would travel fastest

Stephen Hawking won by a landslide

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I wanted to post a time travel joke

But I got reported for reposting

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An Famous Statistician

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.

One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"

"No, I flew"

"What about the possibility of a bomb?"

"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of two bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So now I bring my own bomb along!"

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T NOW!"

What do we want? "MORE TIME TRAVEL JOKES!"
When do we want them? "RIGH

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Little Billy

One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Billy's bitch!"

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Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress

As they lack a heart, mind, and courage

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I feel like there should be a travel book for India called

A definitive guide to India: The Hindus and the Hindont's

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A traveling salesman approaches a home...

He rings the doorbell, and a 10 year-old boy answers the door.

The boy has a scotch in one hand, a playboy tucked under his arm, and a lit cigar hanging from his mouth.

Salesman: "Uh, son, are your parents home?"

Boy: "The fuck do you think?"

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Traveling salesman joke...

A traveling salesman stops by a farmhouse and an 8 y/o boy answers the door. He's smoking a cigar and drinking a tumbler of scotch.
Once the salesman gains his composure he says, "Well sonny is your Mom home?"
To which the kid answers, "What the fuck do you think?"

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Why don't airplanes have a 'reverse' drive?

No one wants a receding airline...

I have no idea if airplanes can actually travel in reverse, just go with me folks ;)

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Free sex tonight

At a travel agency in Bangkok, I asked the Thai girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Thai women are really hospitable!"

A guy standing next to me who had overheard our conversation tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"Don't get too excited. What she really said was: 666136429."

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What distance does light travel on a diet?

Lite years.

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Traveling through Italy I spent hundreds of Euros on pasta. (Pun)

It was worth every Penne.

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An Irish travel agent gives advice

So there is this Irish Travel Agent and he always tries to get people to go to and visit Ireland, this old woman asks him where she should go visit..so he starts talking about how great Ireland is and the lady says back, well " I don't like cold weather, the constant rain, and all the Catholics there. So the travel agent says back to her " Well ma'am then you should go to hell, its hot, it never rains and there are no catholics...

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Sheikh was talking to his travel agent....

Sheikh: I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently....

The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go....

Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and spent some days and my wife Razia got pregnant.....

Then two years ago, you told me to enjoy Bahamas, and Razia got
pregnant again....

Last year you suggested Tahiti and Razia once again got pregnant.....

Travel agent: So, what are you going to do this year that is different?....

Sheikh replied: This year I'm taking Razia with me :-)

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What do we want?

Time Travel! When do we want it? It's irrelevant!

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Aliens and Humans

"Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire"

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WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!

TIME TRAVEL!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!

THAT'S IRRELEVANT!!

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What happened when the clown-fish tried to fast travel?

You cannot fast travel when anemone is nearby.

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What do you want to be when you grow up? Featuring Lil Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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A Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study...

A Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study and a month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: *"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit embarassed to arrive to school with my gold plated Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."*

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: *"For fuck sake son, stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too."*

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what travels around the world but stays in one corner?

postage stamp

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A German in France

A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German "reason for travel ?"
"For work", replies the German.
Occupation ? Asks the agent.
"Not this time"

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What do we want? Time travel.

When do we want it? It's irrelevant.

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I thought I'd tell you a good time travel joke

But you didnt like it

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Travel

Two old men meet at a bar one night and start talking about their wives. The first of man says, "I just got married for the third time maybe this one will work out. How about you how many times have you been married?"
The second man replies "I've only been married once. In fact this year makes fifty years and we are as happy as ever."
"Wow," says the first man, "that's quite an achievement. What's your secret?"
The second man thinks for a minute then says "Well I would have to say it's all the travel. We've been all over the world. In fact just last week I took her to London and in three or four years I'll go pick her up."

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How do dictators travel on the sea?

In dictatorships.

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Did he travel with Scandinavian Airlines?

No, he simply vanished into Finnair

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Me: Time travel

Interviewer: what's your biggest stren- holy shit

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So, the God decides he needs a vacation...

He goes to meet his travel agent:
"We have a special on Andromeda, Cthulu resort." - Nah it's way too hot...
"How'bout skiing in Pillars Of Creation?" - Maybe something cheaper, this time?
"Well, You may try the Earth, Solar System new Spa, great price".
- ... Been there like 2000 years ago, mate, made one chick pregnant.
They still keep talking about this...

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There was a business man that used to travel a lot

But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".

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A husband and a wife were searching for a hotel near the ocean...

The travel agency hooked them up with a four star hotel for a great price, and they decided to go with it. The agency described the hotel as 'a stone's throw from the beach'. "How will we know which one it is?" the wife asked. "Simple", the agency replied; "It's the one with all the broken windows."

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What do we want?! Time travel!! When do we want it?!

That's irrelevant.

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I was once addicted to time travel

But that's all in the past now

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What do we want?

Time travel!

When do we want it?

That's irrelevant!

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A German is traveling to France

A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German, Reason for travel?

For work, replies the German.

Occupation? asks the agent.

No, I'll just be here a few days.

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Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice".

Scientist is giving an interview: "We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice".

Newspaper's headlines next morning: "Scientists found a cure for cancer".

Scientist calls the interviewer again next day and is like "no no, I didn't mean that we can cure cancer now. It just means that our developments can help cure it **in future**".

Newspaper headlines next day: "Scientists discover time travel"

Enraged scientist calls and screams: "FUCK YOU!"

Newspaper headlines: "Scientist rapes a journalist!"

(Not an original, but the recent frontpage joke here reminded me of it.)

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Did you hear Vladimir Putin made a travel sized Russia?

It is the perfect country to Putin your pocket.

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The three travelers.

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

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If Jesus is always walking with me in my life, then when I look back, why do I only see one set of footprints?

Sandpeople always travel single file to hide their numbers.

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If Trump wins I'm leaving the country if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country

Not a political post, I'm just a pilot so I always travel

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Why is *traveled* spelled *travelled* by the British?

Because they traveled home with that *L* in 1776

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How does Neutron travel to different countries?

Free of charge

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My girl wants to travel so bad

I told her to pick up a basketball and take three step

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A son arrives at his new school in Berlin.

He writes a letter to his dad, it reads:

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here. But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my own college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train

Your son,
Ahmed

The father responds:

My dear loving son,
20 million US Dollars have hust been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your dad

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A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world.

I wish we could travel all over the world."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF!

He had the tickets in his hand.

Next, it was the birthday boy's turn.

He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
He was 90.

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Second Honeymoon

Wife was reading a travel magazine and asked her husband..
"Honey, should we try Greece for our second honeymoon?"
Husband replied "What's wrong with KY?"

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if the gas station is 2 miles away..

..and my dad's car can travel at 60mph, why hasn't he returned from getting cigarettes after 6 years?

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Why do white girls travel in odd numbered groups?

Because they literally can't even

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Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians and reporters all ask the same question: "Is there life on Mars?"

"It's a dead, stupid planet" answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed, accepting defeat.

When he's back at his house, his kid asks again "Dad, is there really no life on Mars?"

"Okay, so all the stores close at 2pm and they don't have whiskey, would you call it a life?"

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How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath

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How do fleas travel?

They itch-hike

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I met my wife at a travel agency..

She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

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So an American businessman and a Jamaican travel guide both walk into a bathroom...

An American businessman and a Jamaican travel guide both walk into a bathroom. They step up to the urinals next to each other and undo their trousers. The Jamaican man happens to glance over to his side while going about his business and catches a glimpse of the American man's member. He notices a familiar tattoo on it that reads "WY". The Jamaican forces himself to say something, seeing as he too has a tattoo on his member that reads "WY".

"Say, why do you have that tattoo on your schlong?"

Before the American even realizes the Jamaican man had been looking at his knob, he blurts out, "I used to date a woman named Wendy. When I'm erect, the tattoo spells out her name, Wendy."

The Jamaican man nods slightly and goes about finishing his business. A few moments later, the American speaks up and asks, "How about yours? Did you date a woman named Wendy as well?"

The Jamaican man shakes his head...

"When I'm erect, my tattoo spells out 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE STAY"

The American man went silent.

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The Billionaire Kid

A teacher asks her class, What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Stevie, always the first with his hand up and always the naughtiest says I wanna be a billionaire Miss

I'll be going to the most expensive clubs, take my best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day! .

The teacher is shocked and is not quite sure how to deal with his bad behavior on this occasion.

She decides to ignore Stevie and continue the lesson.

So Jenny. What do you want to be when you grow up? the teacher asks.

Jenny says I just wanna be Stevie's bitch!

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A traveling salesman knocks on a door...

A traveling salesman knocks on a door. Seconds later, a stunning woman answers, wearing a see-thru neglige'. Her body is the stuff of dreams. She leans out the door and whispers- "Quick! I hear somebody coming! Come inside!" The man enters and the woman drops the neglige' to the floor. "Tell me", she says, "What would you say is the most amazing thing about my body?" The man says- "Your ears." "My ears?", says the beauty. The man says- "Yeah. When you heard somebody coming? It was me!"

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Traveling Friar

This simple friar came upon a small village with a convent upon a nearby hill. Crossing through the village he was bombarded with a strange greeting from many of the local women. "5 shillings for a blowjob!" Thinking to himself this must be local workers hawking but as to what a blowjob was he had not a clue. Approaching the convent the mother superior walks out to greet him. Seeking to satisfy his ever curious mind he asks, "What is a blowjob?" To which the matronly mother responds, "5 shillings, same as in town."

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An act of Kindness....

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

They, as expected, gladly accepted the offer, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop."And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.

But, one thing puzzled me.


"Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

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A couple was walking on a beach when one tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.

You can each have one wish, said the genie. The wife made her wish first I would like to travel around the world, with my husband, .

Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn, Well said the husband, with a naughty look on his face I wish I can have a younger companion, .

The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!

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I was going to tell a time travel joke here...

But none of you liked it! :'(

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I wish that I could finish my time travel project

And I also wish that I would stop bugging me yesterday while I'm working on it

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Men are greedy bastards.

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." says the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.

The husband says, "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember - fairies are female.

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Two gay men walk into a travel agent's office...

As they were flipping through the brochures, one suddenly says, "Hey, how about Greece this time?"

The other looks up confused and says, "Why, what's wrong with the Vaseline?"

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I used to time travel a lot...

But thats all in the past now.

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The Marriage Fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and *POOF!* She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and *POOF!* He was 90

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Why do blondes travel in odd-numbered packs?

Because they can't even.

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Arthur C Clarke, CS Lewis & JRR Tolkien walk into a bar...

Clarke, Lewis and Tolkien walk into a bar arguing about how characters should travel.

Clarke says they should take a spaceship and Tolkien says they should walk. Lewis says that can just step through a wardrobe.

When asked how that's possible Lewis says "Narnia business"

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A mathematician and engineer agreed to take part in an experiment

they were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked women on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". to which the engineer replied, "So what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

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I was staying in an Hotel

Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.



I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.



She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.


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What are the best Travel puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Travel? Well, here are the best jokes about Travel to have fun with.

Joko Jokes