Transport Jokes
71 transport jokes and hilarious transport puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about transport that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with this collection of transport related jokes. Includes jokes about public transport, rail, freight, and transporter. Whether you're driving, flying, or sailing, enjoy these witty jokes about transport.
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Funniest Transport Short Jokes
Short transport jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The transport humour may include short transfer jokes also.
- Roe vs Wade is in the news again. Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation
- I like my women like I like my coffee. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.
- I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
- Muslim scientists.. Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.
They're calling it 'Islam'. - Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers? They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.
- Boss: Can you work this weekend? Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.
Boss: What time will you get here?
Me: Monday. - I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.
- LPT: If you know somebody with dyslexia that uses public transport, offer to help them read their timetable to prevent any mixups. Whoops, wrong bus.
- Who do Egyptians pray to when the public transportation breaks down? Anubis
(If you don't get it, say it slower.) - A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package But he messed up the delivery
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Transport One Liners
Which transport one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with transport? I can suggest the ones about carrier and shipment.
- Why are the pyramid located in Egypt? They were too big to transport to England.
- What do you call a person who illegally transports cups A smuggler
- What do you use to transport pittas? A flatbread truck
- What's the saddest form of transportation? A moped.
- What's a dog's favorite mode of transportation? A waggin'
- I'm in a band called "Transportation". We're going places.
- What is a sneeze's favorite mode of transportation? Ah-choo choo train
- How do you transport an injured pig? In a hambulance!
- Why is an Ambulance slow? Because its a Patient Transport
- How do you transport a multi-celled organism? Eukaryote
- A dyslexic tries to use public transportation Whoops, wrong sub.
- Alcohol won't take you anywhere. Nobody drinks it as a mode of transportation.
- Nasa techs put some humorous messages on the Space Shuttle Transporter attach points
- What is Hades' favorite form of transportation? Pogo Styx.
- What do bisexuals use for transportation? Bicycles.
Public Transport Jokes
Here is a list of funny public transport jokes and even better public transport puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver
- So my dyslexia makes it hard for me to take public transportation and... ...oops. Sorry. Wrong bus.
- Did you know that every car going to and from the church on Sunday is a type of public transportation? They're all Mass transit.
- I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty. Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.
- Why did they plant trees in Harlem? Public transportation.
- How to be Insulting on Public Transportation: Pretend to be foreign when the conductor asks for your fare and try to give him the wrong denomination of money.
- Public transport isn't as depressing as it seems. I was on a bus yesterday at six in the morning... And this really nice guy offered me a sip from his can of cider.
- As a dyslexic, I often misread numbers on public transport and get home late Whoops, wrong bus
- TIFU by being dyslectic and using the wrong public transportation Whoops, wrong bus.
- I tried to join a gymnastics class, once. I had to bend over backwards just to get in.
Thank you to the dad I overheard telling his daughter this on public transport... a genuine dad joke.
Heartwarming Transport Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about transport you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cargo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make transport pranks.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...
...that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
A Mexican, a Black guy and a White guy are walking down the beach...
They find a bottle and the Mexican guy decides pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out of the bottle and speaks to them and grants them each one wish.
The Mexican guy goes first and says, "I wish that all my Mexican brethren and I could be transported back to our native homeland and we could all be happy there."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Mexican guy disappears.
Now it's the black guy's turn. He says, "I wish that all my African brothers and I could all go back to our motherland and be happy, prosperous and free."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Black guy disappears.
Now it's the white guy's turn.
The white guy pauses for a moment, scratches his head and says "Are you telling me that all the b**... and Mexicans are gone from America?
The genie nods his head and says yes.
The white guy makes up his mind and says, "Ok, well i'll have a Coke, thanks."
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
My pi day joke
There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".
The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.
So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.
What kind of vehicle did they use to transport prisoners to concentration camps during the holocaust?
Ju-Haul
When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.
Where it goes is up to you.
Did you hear about the guy with a f**... for public transportation?
He got off at every stop.
United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business...
...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.
A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme.
The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.
So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
Do you work on weekends?
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.
Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
A man is filling is car up with gasoline ...
And spills some on his arm. He doesn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, he lights a cigarette and his arm catches on fire. He stuck an itnout the window to try and put it out, to no avail.
A policeman sees him, pulls him over, and helps him out out the fire. Then he writes him a ticket.
i**... transportation of a fire arm.
A Texas Biologist
A Texas biologist, who discovered that the life of a porpoise could be prolonged indefinitely if it were fed a steady diet of seagulls, has been arrested at the Louisiana border. He faces charges of transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.
An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel
While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.
A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.
The husband thinks about it for a while and then says to the mortitian that he would like to have her transported home.
The mortitian asks the why he wouldn't let her be buried in Israel when he could save a lot of money!
The husband then says "well I've heard of a guy who died and was buried here many years ago and he came back after three days. I'm not gonna risk that!"
Where do c**... and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?
At the Bustacean
My boss just asked,
"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
Reality vs LinkedIn
Reality:
I got my driving license
Linkedin:
I am honored and thrilled to announce that I have been selected among the top 5 applicants who participated in professional and the most-respected exam which evaluates the skills and ability to operate fuel-based vehicles. I cannot wait to see what the next chapter holds, and I cannot express my appreciation to the ministry of transportation, Wendy's, Google, NASA, my neighbors who supported me during this difficult journey.
What's the difference between a crab with large b**... and an aged transport hub ?
One is a b**... crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station
Why did the Ex-Amish guy not clean all the dead insects off his new car?
He was used to his transport being a little buggy.
As a commercial livestock hauler, my main responsibility is transporting donkeys.
My clients..have their a**... handed to them.
The only flight available was on a plane transporting corpses. I needed to get home so I bought a ticket but they refused to let me on the plane.
I think that the problem was my carrion.
Super Bowl tickets
Short notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl. They are box seats that he spent $5,700 a piece for which includes transportation to and from the stadium, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them that this is the same day as his wedding.
If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at St. Paul's Church on North Avenue at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley and she is 5'5 and about 110 pounds. She is a good cook and enjoys the outdoors.
(OC) Did you hear about the new Statham movie about a bellhop with gender dysphoria?
It's called The Trans-Porter.
What do a Middle Eastern transportation center and a mythological English kingdom have in common?
They're both camel-lots
