Transplant Jokes

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If I ever find the surgeon who s**... up my transplant I'll kill him...

With my bear hands

A man is in urgent need for transplant buttocks after an accident.

Doctors report no end in sight.

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!

A man who recently lost his eye goes into the doctor...

Patient: "Doctor, is there anything we can do to replace my eye?"
Doctor: "Well, we could transplant a donor eye.."
Patient: "Really? Would I be able to see again?!"
Doctor: "No, but it's just for looks anyway!"

John regrets getting a brain transplant.

I guess he changed his mind.

My patient was refused his o**... transplant.

But I didn't have the heart to tell him.

A neurosurgeon is preparing his patient for a brain transplant...

He tells the patient: "Would you like a woman's brain or a man's brain?"
"Why are there options?" the patient asks.
"Well," replies the Surgeon, "the woman's brain is half the price of the man's!
"Why is it half price?" asks the man.
"Because it's used!"

What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm

What does a r**... garden gnome hate more than anything?

Transplants

What do you call a flower that had a s**... change?

A transplant.

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first cough is not your phlegm.

Did you hear about the man who was taken off the o**... transplant list?

He was so disheartened

How do you tell if a ball transplant has been successful?

You give it a test tickle.

Never perform an o**... transplant on a frog.

It's very disheartening and they usually croak.

I was thinking of getting a brain transplant

I changed my mind

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.
Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"
"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt been used as much"

I used to be against o**... transplants,

then I had a change of heart

What's the worst thing about having a lung transplant?

Realising that the first time you cough, the phlegm isn't yours.

My teacher told a joke today in class, and I thought I would share it here

He said, "When brain transplants are possible, I would get a brain of a racist. You know why? Because they have never been used before".

Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

Why does moving a plant from one place to another change it's gender?

Because it's a trans-plant.

My sister recently had a transplant...

... but then she traded it in for a b**... fern.

What do you call a limb that has been transplanted?

A hand-me-down.

A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised...

A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised. He meets with a pediatrician who says "ya know we used to use the f**... from the circumcision to do skin transplants for kids born without eyelids... But we had to stop because they started coming out cockeyed"

Did you hear about the guy who was scheduled to get a brain transplant?

He changed his mind.

Did you hear about the dandelion that's saying it's a rose?

Turns out, it's a transplant

I went in to get a brain transplant..

..thankfully the surgeon managed to change my mind.

What do you call a flower getting a s**... change?

A Transplant

A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.

Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!

They say "Be the change you want to see in others"

So I've decided to get big breast transplant tomorrow

A Patient Needs a Heart Transplant

The surgeon tells the patient, "You are in luck; we have two matching donors! A twenty-year-old athlete and an eighty-year-old lawyer. Which heart do you want?"
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart. That one hasn't been used yet."

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

What is another term for a lung transplant?

Breath Implants

A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.

The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.
The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.
Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?
The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.

My wife was showing me a really unique houseplant she was growing. When she first planted it, it was a male, and it produced pollen.

After a while, it stopped producing pollen and started making seeds. It had outgrown its p**..., so my wife wanted me to help her put it in a larger one. I said, Sure, I can help you transplant the transplant.

Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail?

He got caught red-handed, inside her trading.

A Husband and Wife were messaging each other.

Husband: You are negative
Wife: And you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, care about no one but yourself and your friends, all you are interested in is your own self, and in all your life you've not fulfilled even one of your promises. I'm the only one that has to put up with such a miserly and insensitive man. You good for nothing, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed.
Husband: I was just letting you know that your Covid test was negative.

The doctor too me…

The doctor told me I needed a brain transplant.
I don't want it.
But he changed my mind.

In London, British scientists created a frog embryo without a head, a breakthrough that could lead to the production of headless human clones to provide organs and tissue for transplant, as well as horrific nightmares for the rest of my life.

What's the medical term for an a**... transplant?

An election.

Today, David received the first-ever pig-to-human heart transplant...

When he came home, his wife had some bad news.
But before she could say anything, he pleaded, don't go bacon my heart!
​
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Did you hear for the first time they successfully turned a pistil into a stamen?

It was the world's first TRANS-plant.

This one's sappy…

I named the new tree in my yard Spruce Jenner. It's a transplant.

A surgeon told me I was in grave need of a brain transplant.

I refused, telling her she wouldn't change my mind.

My wife is currently giving away 30% of her liver (living liver donor transplant)….

We met with the surgeon right before she went back to the operating room and I told him I really hope you De-Liver
True story! (yes he thought I was s**... 😂)

I used to disapprove of o**... transplants…

But I've had a change of heart

Hospital statistics

A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it's open heart surgery.
In Australia it's liver transplants.
And in Russia it's opening a window…