Training Day Jokes
100 training day jokes and hilarious training day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about training day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Training Day Short Jokes
Short training day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The training day humour may include short career day jokes also.
- On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, Is this normal? He said, Not during a written exam, no.
- Got the best compliment from my doctor today He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
- Why are the majority of firefighters men? They've been training with fluid launching cannons since the day they were born.
I'll show myself out. - My favourite thing to do after a long day at work is sit down and take off all my clothes. It makes my train journey more entertaining.
- The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.
- I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh. It's a running joke.
- I rang Seaworld the other day. A lady answered the phone and said "This call may be recorded for training porpoises"
- I was sat across from a screaming child on the train the other day... ... He was so loud I could hear him through my wolf mask.
- Crossfit died out The other day n the train:
Girl : *sneezes
me: "Bless You!"
Girl : I Have a Boyfriend
a few rows behind us: "I'm vegan" - I might not go to the gym because I don't like training abs and the weather doesn't look promising. It's oblique day.
Share These Training Day Jokes With Friends
Training Day One Liners
Which training day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with training day? I can suggest the ones about teacher day and sports day.
- I do resistance training every day It's called refusing to go to the gym
- I took my orchestra onto a train one day The conductor was rubbish
- What do you think about trains these days? They seem to have a bad TRACK record.
- What do employees do on their first day of work at the subway? Training
Training Day Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about training day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean basic training jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make training day pranks.
Two guys always catch the train to work together;
one is French, the other Italian.
Every morning when the French guy gets on, he passes his fingers underneath his nose while sniffing and says "Aaahhh... Fifi!"
He does this every day, so the Italian guy says to him one morning, "Why do you do that and say 'Aaahhh... Fifi!'?"
The French man explaines that Fifi is his wife, and he fingers her every morning and it reminds him of her all day.
The next morning, the French guy gets on the trains and sniffs his fingers saying, "Fifi!"
Then the Italian guy gets on and runs his whole arm under his nose and says, "Aaahhh... Maria!"
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect.
It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived.
Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly.
On cue, it started moonwalking.
"What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."
Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer.
"You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said.
The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods.
At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."
One in a million!
A famous Statisticians never flew on a plane. After months of research and hard work, he had deduced that there was a 1 in a million chance of having a bomb on any given flight, and would not accept that probability.
One day, he went to a conference far from home. One of his colleagues, who knew of his fear of flying, asked him:
"Hey, how'd you get here? By train?"
"No, I flew.", replied the statistician.
"But what about the bomb?" said the colleague.
"Well, I concluded that the chance of having two bombs would be (1/1000000 x 1/1000000), which is a much better probability, which I can accept. So I brought my own bomb."
Engineers and Lawyers on a Train
Three lawyers buy their tickets for the train. They notice three engineers also buying tickets, or rather, just one ticket. Curious, the lawyers follow the engineers on to the train and sit just behind them.
During the trip the conductor comes along, "tickets please... tickets please." At this point the engineers all get up, walk to the back of the car and all pile in to one bathroom. The conductor checks the lawyers tickets and continues to the back. When he reaches the bathroom he knocks, "tickets please." The door opens a crack and one hand presents the ticket.
Inspired by this craftiness the lawyers agree to use this method on the return trip a few days later. In the train station they see the same engineers also getting ready to return on the same train. The lawyers buy one ticket and the engineers buy... none! Perplexed, the lawyers once again follow the engineers onto the train. Once again the conductor starts checking tickets. The engineers get up and crowd in to one bathroom then the lawyers get up and crowd in to the other bathroom opposite the first.
At this point one engineer emerges from his bathroom, crosses the aisle, knocks on the lawyers door and says in his most official voice, "tickets please."
The exchange student
A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said "Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday in a Rolls-Royce. All my professors arrive by train!" he soon got a letter back from his father, along with $20 million. His father's letter read "Dear son, you are embarrassing me. Take this money and but yourself a train as well!"
It's the first day of 3rd grade...
Their teacher wanted them to behave more grown up since they were no longer in second grade.
As such, the teacher told them to use grownup words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
Susie went first and said she went to see her Nana.
The teacher said, 'No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.'
Next Samantha said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. Once again the teacher again said, 'No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word.'
Then the teacher asked Johnny what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and, in a very adult way, replied, 'Winnie the s**....'
Other students come by train
A student to his father:
Dear father,
Berlin is a fantastic city, people are nice and I really like that city. But, I am a bit ashamed to come to school with my golden plated Ferrari whereas professors and other students come by train.
Love,
Your son
Next day, an answer comes:
My dear son,
I transferred 20M€ to your bank account. Please buy your train quickly.
Your loving father.
Three men enter a hunting contest...
The rules of the contest are simple: A contestant must enter the woods, shoot an animal, return to the judges, and tell them how he shot it.
So the first man goes into the woods, and about an hour later he returns with a freshly shot b**....
The judges ask, "So how'd you shoot it?"
The hunter replies, "I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I shot the b**....
Then the second man goes into the woods, and about 3 hours later he returns with a freshly shot deer.
The judges ask, "So how'd you shoot it?"
The hunter replies, "I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I shot the deer.
Then the third man walks into the woods. The judges wait, and wait, and wait for almost a day. Eventually, the man is gone so long that they send out a search party for him. After hours of searching, they find the hunter. He is crawling along the ground, covered with blood and bruises, and both of his legs are missing. He groans with agony, and it's clear that he doesn't have much time left.
They scream, "Oh my god, what happened to you?"
With his last painful breaths, the hunter pulls a judge close and whispers into his ear, ""I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I got hit by a train."
Wayne Rooney walks into a shop
He sees a shiny silver thermos flask that he has never seen before, so he finds a shop assistant and asks him, "what is this used for?" the shop assistant replies, "it is used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold". Wayne Rooney buys it and takes it to training the next day. Alex Ferguson sees Rooney carrying his thermos flask and asks, "what you got there Rooney". to which Rooney replies, "Oh this, it's brilliant; it's used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".
"well what you got in it then?" Alex Ferguson replies, "Two cups of coffee and a chock ice"
Cell Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Wardrobe problem
A woman living close to the train station buys a new wardrobe to replace an old one in her bedroom. However, she encounteres a big problem: whenever a train stops at the station, the wardrobe collapses. She decides to call for the carpenter, who also can't find the reason why is this happening. However, he comes up with an idea: he'll try to see from inside of the wardrobe what is causing it to break.
This day, the woman's husband comes home early. First thing he notices is men's coat, obviously not belonging to him. Furious, he rushes to the wardrobe and opens it, only to see a man waiting there. Resigned, carpenter says:
- Knock me out man. You're not gonna believe I'm waiting for a train.
John
After a long day at work this woman was on her way home on the train and closed her eyes to rest. After departing the station a male that was sitting next to her took his cellphone out and started a conversation with a rather loud voice.
"Hello sweetheart, John here, i am in the train. Yes i know its the 6:30 train and not the 4:30 train but the meeting took longer then planned. No dear, not with the blond of finance, this was with my manager. No babydoll, you are the only one in my life! Yes really, i swear!"
The woman next to him was growing more and more tired of his loud conversation and after 15 minutes she just had enough.
She leaned over to him and with her face close to his phone she whispered:
"Come John, put the phone down and come back to bed."
A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany...
His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email:
"Father,
I love the way the Ferrari drives but it's so embarrassing, all the other students take trains to school! What should I do?
Your loving son"
The father then replies the next day
"Son,
The gold plated train is on its way
Dad"
Cell phone in public...
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.
So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in.
The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. They share all they have with him and even throw a celebration that evening. The spy blends in perfectly, he speaks Russian with no accent, he knows all the songs, dances kazachok with the best of them and drinks all the Russians under the table with v**....
At the end of the night, one of the villagers slaps him on the back and says with a wink: You know, Igor, we really like you! But we know that you're an American spy!
Igor becomes sad: But… I studied with the best, for years! What did I do wrong, how could you tell after just one day?!
But Igor, says the Russian with a smile, you're black!
Santa's Jokes
Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can h**...-h**...-h**....
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
The Native American
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head go hunting
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are staying at a hunting lodge in the country. At the end of the first day they're all gathered around the fireplace talking about how their hunting went. The red head tells the group that she'd shot a gorgeous 16-point buck that day. The blonde and brunette, both amazed, ask how she managed such a good kill.
"It's easy! I followed some tracks and--BAM--shot the buck."
With this advice in hand the blonde and brunette go out the next day. Back at the lodge, the blonde finds out that the brunette had shot an amazing 20-point buck. The blonde is flabbergasted and asks how the brunette found such a nice buck.
"Simple! I followed some tracks and followed some tracks and--BAM--shot a buck."
So the next morning the blonde, determined to find and kill an even better buck, goes out for the hunt. She follows some tracks and follows some tracks and--BAM--gets hit by a freight train.
Tennessee Joke
Two guys are hunting in the woods one day and they get to arguing about a set of tracks they had spotted, "Them is deer tracks," one says. The other, "No them's bear tracks!" Back and forth for about an hour... Then they get hit by the train.
A homeless guy walks into a bar
A homeless guy walks into a bar with an enormous smile on his face. The bartender says, "Wow you look happy today, what's the deal?" The homeless guy says, "Well, I've just had the most incredible day! This morning, I was walking along the train tracks when I saw something up ahead. I walked up to see what it was, and there was a woman tied to the tracks. So I untied her, took her back to my tent under the bridge, and we've just been having s**... all day! This has seriously been the best day of my life!" The bartender looks at him with an astonished face and says, "Wow, that is amazing! Is she hot?" The homeless guy replies, "Well I don't know, I never found her head."
Rich sheik's son studies abroad
The rich sheik's son is sent to Europe to study. After a month, he writes an e-mail to his father:
"Father,
I'm doing great here. My classmates are nice, the professors are great and the courses are well-structured and organized. There's one small thing though - I feel kind of embarrassed when I arrive at university in my Lamborghini every day, whereas my fellow students and even the profs come here every day with a subway train, I stick out like a sore thumb."
The next day, his father replies:
"Son,
I've transferred $100 million to your bank account. Go buy yourself a subway train, too - don't you be a disgrace to us!"
*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp
The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, counting money while getting a massage from a gorgeous woman.
The next day, the boy hears that the man is dead, hung from a tree by men wearing white robes, affiliated with the k**....
The boy confused, goes back to the train track where he saw the lamp and decides to rub it to see what happens... the genie comes out and says "sorry, I'm all out of wishes".
The boy says, OK, but tell me one thing, what did the man wish for yesterday? The genie replies: his first wish was to be rich, his second wish was to have a gorgeous wife, and his third wish was to be hung like a black man
My Drink With My Girl Friends and Rainy Night:
The day starts with rain, and whole the day i have not seen even a single train. At night she come to me o yeaah! She holds a v**... Bottle. Asked me for enjoying the full night with continuously sips of packs. I opened the bottle take a pack, she watched. Again i make a pack and take it. She looked at me and waiting for her pack. Again i make a pack and take it. She stands up. I request her to set down. Again i make a pack and take it. She stands and went off. Again I make a Pack and Tack it :D
I saw Jimmy Carr at the train station the other day..
..I guess it's because he doesn't like taxis
Hello jokesters, I started a "joke of the day" at my work and after 5 days I have run out of material. I need your punny help (needs to be PG)
Examples of what I have been using: "what happened to the frog's car when it broke down? It was TOAD away" and "did you hear about the crazy mexican train killer? It was a LOCOmotive". I realized I'm not really that capable of coming up with good puns on my own so I need your help. And I'm sure some of you will recognize those jokes as I got them from the interwebs. Thanks a bunch.
An Arab student e-mails his dad
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
Pregnant Lady on the Train
A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the young boy was invited to the hospital just after the birth of her first child. at this moment she turned to the young boy and said, with a smile, "I'm going to name him after you"
Excited but a little bit confused the boy responded:
"I really appreciated that, but he's your child, I think you should name him first"
Two homeless guys
Were walking along by the train tracks one day.
Guy#1 said "man, the other day I had the best day ever. I found $100 and I was drunk for a week straight."
Guy #2 said "nice man, that's awesome. The other day I had an great day too: I was walking along and I saw this beautiful n**... woman lying by the side of the road. So I brought her behind some bushes and made love to her for a week straight."
Guy #1 said "woah, man, that's awesome. Did you get head too?"
Guy #2 replied, "no, man, I couldn't find it."
There once was a dog who like to walk the railroad tracks
One day he was a little too close as a train came by and it clipped off the end of his tail. Wondering where it went, he peered over the tracks and the train took his head clean off.
The moral of the story, never risk your head for a little bit of tail.
p**... Training
Little Johnny was just being p**... trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull f**... back
4. Pee
5. Push f**... forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did a good job.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...
Arab Joke
A young Arab guy joins a college in USA and attends classes everyday in a gold plated and diamond studded Ferrari.
A few days later he writes to his parents about the experience of attending college in USA. He wrote,"Dear Mom and Dad I am loving it over here. The college is very good and so are all of the students. The only problem for me is I am attending the college in a Ferrari while almost all of my classmates come here by train"
The parents replied," Dear Son we are happy to know you are loving the college life and like it over there but please dont embarrass us with small issues like your going to college by Car while your friends come in train. We have transferred 40 million dollars to your account. Buy a nice train for yourself and attend college in it!"
Sheikh's son goes to University
A rich billionaire Sheikh sends his son to a university in the US. He buys his son a gold plated Ferrari so that he can commute from his house to the university everyday.
A couple of weeks in, he gets really upset and sends an email to his dad:
Dad, all my friends in the university use the public transport .. usually a train .. to come to university. I feel really embarrassed to be driving around in a gold Ferrari.
Next day, the Sheikh responds: Don't worry son. I've just transferred $10 million to your account. Go buy urself a train.
what did the Mexican dog groomer tell his apprentice on the first day of training?
You no do strays.
Three Army Lieutenants have to cross a river for infantry training.
The first one prays to God and says "Lord give me the strength to cross this river." There is a flash of light and he is granted stronger arms to swim.
The second one says "Lord give me the endurance to cross this river." Another flash of light and he is granted strong lungs to help him swim.
The third one says "Lord, remove this obstacle from my path." There is a flash of light and the young lieutenant turns into a woman. Crossing a Water Obstacle is no longer part of her test and she is applauded by the media for being so strong and independent. She has a loyal group of male followers who dote on her every day and she lives happily ever after.
I saw Adele at the train station the other day
I saw Adele at the train station the other day on the other platform
She said 'hello from the other side'
A rich Arab student e-mails his dad...
A rich Arab student e-mails his dad and says:
Dear Father,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Rolls Royce Phantom when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Hassan.
A day later his father replies:
Dear Hassan,
Fifty million euros have been transferred to your account, stop embarrassing your family and buy yourself a train too.
Love you, Dad.
Frustrated p**....
There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
A blonde, brunette and ginger get lost in the woods
They make a shelter but start getting hungry so the brunette decides to go out hunting. She returns with a rabbit and the blonde asks "how'd you get that?", the brunette replies "Oh I just followed some tracks and found it"
The next day the ginger decides to go out hunting, she returns with a deer, and the blonde asks "how'd you get that?", the ginger replies "Oh I just followed some tracks and found it"
The next day the blonde decides to go out hunting, she returns covered in bruises and cuts, the brunette asks "what happened to you?" The blonde replies "I followed some tracks and got hit by a train".
A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon...
A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon.
He is walking up and down the line of men, complementing, or insulting the men on their work in the field that day.
Finally, he reaches a private at the end of the line.
In a gruff voice, he yells "PRIVATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY."
Without being able to finish his sentence, the private interrupts his superior saying, "THANK YOU, SIR."
I went to an 'Army Style training day'...
I don't feel any fitter but my boots and bed look immaculate.
Back in the pioneer days...
A couple traveling west saw an old Native American man with his ear pressed to the ground, unmoving. As they approached, the man's eyes slowly opened and he said:
"Large wagon train. Fifty wagons. Lead cart has team of five horses. Half wagons covered, half not. Cart in middle have chip in wheel. Last wagon have team of three. One brown, one black, one tan. Tan horse have cropped tail."
The pioneers, shocked, said, "That's amazing! You can hear all that just by putting your ear to the ground?"
The old brave replied, "No. Ran over me half hour ago..."
Despite all the hype, it was a mistake hiring a homeless personal trainer.
I've been high in tent city training every day, but its not helping with my goals.
Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...
A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.
To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher.
"Winnie-the-s**...!"
A girl, her grandma, a guy and his boss share a compartment in a train.
From the beginning of the journey it's pretty obvious that the girl and guy like each other.
Once when the train passes through a tunnel and plunged into darkness a kissing sound and slap is heard.
When the train comes out into light, the old woman thinks, "It was daring of that guy to kiss my grandchild, but it was rightful of her to slap him".
The boss thinks, "The guy is brave to try such a thing, but I wish she hadn't mistook me for him".
The girl thinks "Wow the guy is a brave one, but I wish my grandma didn't have to slap him".
While the guy thinks, "This has to be my luckiest day. I get to kiss a girl and slap my boss".
A friend of mine was recently accused of having s**... with one of his clients...
As a result, he has been publicly humiliated, and is probably going to be indicted any day. On top of that, a wonderful marriage, not to mention years of schooling and training, wasted for a moment of weakness. It's such a shame, for he was truly a nice guy, and an absolutely gifted mortician.
This made me smile for days
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
An Famous Statistician
A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about the possibility of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of two bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So now I bring my own bomb along!"
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...
Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...
David Beckham is out shopping one day.. (Old)
He spots a tall, cylindrical silver thing. He asks a shop assistant what it is; "It's a Thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" replies the assistant.
So David buys it. On arriving home, Victoria asks what he's
got there. "It's a Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an cold fings cold."
"Great," replies Victoria, " you can take that to training with you, show the lads."
So David takes it along to the England Camp the next day.
The players ask him what he has there, "A Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an cold fings cold"
"Zo vot have you got in it David?" asks Sven.
"A cup of coffee an a choc ice" he replies.
A s**... was undergoing training for conception
His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a s**..." to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?'
The s**... nodded. Days later, the s**... was sleeping when he heard the siren. He was the first one out of the tunnel and the first to reach the sticky red ball. He was millimeters ahead of all his comrades. He bowed courteously and said: "I'm a s**...".
The red sticky ball smiled and said: "Hi, I'm the tonsil"
There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
What happened on June 6, 1944?
We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!
What was the turning point of world war 2?
Battle of the bulge, sir!
What's is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought I don't know, sir!
The superior then said Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.
An artist lives next to a Marsh.
Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."
VERY SAD DAY.
A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and would have been a brilliant veterinarian.
A sad day for a doctor
After 7 years of study, training and hard work, a member of the medical profession has been fired after one minor lack of judgment. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He was a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.
A son of a wealthy arab prince goes to college in europe
After a few months he gets a letter from his father asking how he is, and how's college life, etc.
And he replies to his father: "oh, everything is fine here, but it is really strange, most people here come to college by train and bus, and I'm the only one driving a golden Ferrari every day to classes"
And after a few days, he gets a letter from his father with a black credit card inside and a note saying: "Son, dont humiliate the family, here's the unlimited credit card, buy yourself a train too!"
I was being trained as a caller in a s**... prevention hotline...
...On my first day of training, my manager said;
"Let me show you the ropes!"
You're in the Army Now
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a South Alabama man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson was taking the train
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson was taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field. As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.
"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"
"Elementary, Dear Watson. There were 167 sheep." Sherlock calmly stated.
"Holmes, are you really telling me you managed to count them all in that brief moment?" Watson inquired.
"Don't be silly, Watson. I counted the legs and divided by four."
My boyfriend's dad told us that back in his day, before required s**... misconduct training...
Harass was two words
I've been training as a sculptor for months but I'm not very good at it. Just the other day I made an Elk from limestone which I thought was good, but my art teacher Mr Watson couldn't work out what it was.
I said to him surely he could see it was sedimentary, my deer, Watson.
Mike Tyson's workout involves extreme training 6 days a week.
I'm relieved to know he, at least, got Thunday off.
A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$
Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a 1$, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar but not buying any apples well-" The woman cuts him off: "No I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost 2$ instead of one".
This probably isn't the place to post this.
My heart breaks! VERY SAD DAY TODAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. Even worse, is the fact that he is still paying off his school loans. This just goes to show how one little mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great person, and a brilliant Veterinarian.
My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke
It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the Train Conductor goes to the general and tells the general.
"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."
The general nods. "Then we will take no chances and immediately send them to the crematorium."
The Jews from the train are herded into the crematorium rooms and locked in for three days while the fires rage on. The general comes back to see the fruits of their labor, the toughest Jews burned to ashes. But when he opens the door...
"What are you doing?! You're going to let all the warm air out?!"
My boss yelled at me the other day, You've got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, I'm not sure, it's so hard to keep track.
Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.
"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.
"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.
"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient and arrives on time every day without fail. 20 years, and never a minute late, quite incredible."
"Secret ingredient?"
"Oh yes, he adds mussels and oysters to the fuel. Reckons it gives a boost."
"So why is he late today? Think he got fed up and quit?"
"Oh no, not Bob. He just has low shellfish steam."
I make no apologies.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"