Train Tracks Jokes
96 train tracks jokes and hilarious train tracks puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about train tracks that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Train Tracks Short Jokes
Short train tracks jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The train tracks humour may include short railroad tracks jokes also.
- My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
- I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son's train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
- A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks - My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
- Deep. Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.
Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees light from incoming train.
Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track. - The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing. So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered
- I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed. He said
"I don't know it's hard to keep track." - I'm such a bad train operator, I can't even remember how many trains I've derailed. It's hard to keep track.
- Dad says to his son, "A train just passed through not too long ago." Son ask, "How do you know?"
Dad replies, "It left tracks." - A friend pushed me on to some train tracks and said it was a joke. I didn't get it, but then it hit me.
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Train Tracks One Liners
Which train tracks one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with train tracks? I can suggest the ones about railway tracks and train set.
- How do you derail a Norfolk Southern Train? Put it on the tracks.
- It must be really easy being a train conductor All you have to do is stay on track
- What's it called when somebody carelessly walks on train tracks? A loco motive
- What does a musician train do when running from the law? Covers tracks
- Why did the train switch tracks? Because of it's loco-motives
- Why are trains so chill with where their kids are? They can simply 'track' them.
- How can you tell a train went by? Its tracks are still there.
- I like to help people get on track. The train part however, looks like it hurts
- I was depressed so I laid down on a train track The train never came.
- What do you think about trains these days? They seem to have a bad TRACK record.
- When is a laugh track not funny? When you ride a train over it
- What do you get at 2:30 in the morning near the old train tracks in Detroit? Shot.
- A train saw Chuck Norris on the track and turned down a dirt road.
- Amazon lost my train railroad I bought recently they said they lost track of the package
- My Dad asked me how my smart train startup is coming along? I told him it's on track.
Hilarious Train Tracks Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about train tracks you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean railroad train jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make train tracks pranks.
Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.
The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks." The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks" and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three blondes were on a hunting trip.
Suddenly they came upon some tracks. One blonde says," They're deer tracks." The other one said, "They're bear tracks." The last one said, "They're elephant tracks!" They were still there when they got ran over by the train.
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.
Finally it creaks to a halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
3 hunters are in the woods.
Ok so 3 hunters are walking through the woods when they see some tracks on the ground.
The first hunter said they were deer tracks.
The second hunter said no they are bear tracks.
The third hunter didn't get to say anything because he got ran over by a train.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are lost in the wilderness...
...and they become very excited when they come across tracks. As they are following the tracks, the three of them take a guess on what animal could have possibly left them.
"Obviously, it must have been a horse," said the Blonde.
"No no no, we're in the forest, it must have been a deer," said the Brunette.
"You're both idiots. Obviously it's a dog!" said the Redhead.
They debated until the train came and hit them.
An old joke I learnt [Clean]
A peanut was stuck on the tracks
His heart was all a flutter
A train came down the track
*Choo Choo!*
Peanut butter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two blondes go hiking.
Two blondes go hiking and come across some tracks. The first blonde stops and says they are wolf tracks, while the second blonde says they are bear tracks. After an hour of arguing the train runs them over.
My favorite blond joke of all time...
So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.
They were still arguing when..
There were three men in a forest. Walking down a path, they saw some tracks. The first man said "these are definitely deer tracks". But the second one said "No, I am pretty sure they are bear tracks". The third one said "come on guys, you can clearly see that these are dog tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
21, 21, 21
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from track to track saying, "21, 21, 21..."
A blonde walks up and sees the brunette. She watches her antics for a while and decides to join in, jumping from track to track saying, "21, 21, 21..."
A train comes, and the brunette hops off the tracks just in time to see the blonde get smeared. She waits patiently for the train to pass, then gets back onto the tracks jumping from track to track saying, "22, 22, 22..."
Tennessee Joke
Two guys are hunting in the woods one day and they get to arguing about a set of tracks they had spotted, "Them is deer tracks," one says. The other, "No them's bear tracks!" Back and forth for about an hour... Then they get hit by the train.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Guy has s**... with woman
Guy walking home one late night and stumbles across a woman laying on the train tracks, he then decides to take her home and have s**....
The next morning the guy goes to the pub for a drink, sits down huffing and puffing and the bartender says "Busy night" the guy says yes i had a long night worth of s**..., the bartender then asks "Did you get a BJ?" the guy replies "Na i could not find her head"
Three hunters
Three hunters went into a forest and came upon three sets of tracks. The first hunter examined the first set and said "These are deer tracks", the second hunter examined the second set and said "These are bear tracks", the third hunter didn't say anything because he was hit by a train.
Why did the train go left?
Cause it couldn't get on the right track.
I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.
I can tell a train has been through here recently...
You know how I can tell? Cause there is its tracks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a dog who like to walk the railroad tracks
One day he was a little too close as a train came by and it clipped off the end of his tail. Wondering where it went, he peered over the tracks and the train took his head clean off.
The moral of the story, never risk your head for a little bit of tail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cat was sitting next to a train track when a train came by,
cutting of the cat's tail. The cat looked around to see what happened just in time to get his head cut off.
Moral of the story: Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.
A dog lays by the railroad tracks..
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
2 drunk guys were walking on the train tracks
"hey john, this stairs are reallly long"
"don't worry, here comes the elevator"
Three blondes find tracks in the forest
They look down at the tracks.
The first blonde says, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde says, "No, those are bear tracks."
The third blonde says, "You're both wrong, those are monkey tracks."
They were all arguing when the train hit them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tunnel
Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tried to have s**... on a railroad track, but the train came first.
Two men were walking on the train track
One says to another: "I am exhausted man, let's walk for a bit."
P.S: From a country rich with oil, but not good jokes - Azerbaijan
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Frustrated p**....
There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
I always tell my kids to stay well clear of any Train tracks...
...except "Drops of Jupiter". That one's ok.
Two blondes are walking through a forrest...
They come across some tracks and the first blonde says." I think these are deer tracks". The second blonde says." No these look like rabbit tracks". They keep arguing untill an hour later they were hit by a train.
I found a girl by the train tracks and got head.
I would've gone to third base but I couldn't find the rest of her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hobo s**...
Hobo walks back into the camp where his buddies are having dinner. He is all happy and smiling.
They ask, why are you so happy.
He replies, well, I was walking along the track and found a beautiful woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and we had s**... for hours.
One of his buddies asks: "Did you get any head"
"No", he replied, "the train took most of that".
Heading to work this morning there was a car parked on the train tracks, with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!"
That train engineer must have REALLY loved Jesus.
As a kid I could never understand why my mother would not let me play near the train tracks across the street from my house.
Then it hit me.
Bush, Obama, and Trump go on a hunting trip.
Their hunting guide instructs them to find and follow tracks and they should be able to find their quarry.
Bush follows some tracks and gets a bear. Obama follows some tracks and gets a deer.
Trump follows some tracks and gets hit by a train.
DAD JOKE!!
Oh look kids, a train just passed here.
Gee dad how can you tell that?
Well look, you can see it's tracks!!!
Did you hear about that guy who ran a marathon on railroad tracks?
He trained a lot, but got distracted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three blondes were walking in the woods...
Three blondes were walking in the woods. They found some tracks. The first said "oh its wolf tracks!" The second said, "No, its horse tracks." And the third one said "I think its pig tracks" shortly after they were all hit by a train.
What did the train driver say when he decided to get over his drug addiction?
I need to get my life back on track
Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.
The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"
The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"
The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"
The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.
So I met this guy at the train station...
who was trying to kill himself. But I knew he was just looking for help, so I put him on the right track.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bob was late to come to see his friend John at the bar
John: Dude, you're so late!
Bob: You won't believe what just happened to me. On my way here, I saw a girl tied to a train track. I untied her and we had s**... time together.
John: That sounds awesome dude!
Bob: Yeah, I know right. We did m**..., doggy, c**... etc. you name it.
John: Did you receive head?
Bob: Nah, couldn't find it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman Saved by Ugly man
Ugly guy walks into a bar with a huge smile on his face.
***Bar keep*** asks him 'what are you so happy about?'
***Ugly guy*** says 'Well I was walking home and I found this woman tied to the train tracks, I untie her and we go back to my place. We do it every way imaginable, all night long!'
***Bar keep*** says 'Wow that's some story! What did she look like?'
***Ugly guy*** says 'I dunno, never found the head'
Three blondes were hiking in the woods when they came upon some tracks...
The first blonde said "We'd better be careful, I think these are bear tracks!"
The second blonde says "No, I'm almost certain these are mountain lion tracks!"
The third blonde says "Your both wrong, these are wolf tracks!"
They were still arguing 20 minutes later when the train hit them.
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
Two people are walking in the woods
Suddenly, they come across a set of tracks. One of the tells the other that they're rabbit tracks. The other insists that they are fox tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man at the bar was telling his friends about a girl tied to the train tracks...
She screamed for help. The man waited a bit, then he quickly untied her. He then told his friends about the hot s**... both of them right after he untied her. He was describing all the positions they did it in. Then one of his friends asked:
- Did she give you head
To that he man replied:
No, I couldn't find it .
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?
The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .
Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?
Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .
Why are the rails on train tracks 4 feet and 8 ½ inches apart?
Because if they wasn't the train will fall right off the track.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son's train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
10 pins were crossing a railway track. Suddenly they saw a train approaching them. 9 pins were able to cross. But the 10th pin couldn't make it and the train went over it. But nothing happened to that pin. Why?
Because it was a safety pin!
So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks
So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, They're deer tracks , No They're Bear Tracks
Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pessimist sees only the tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. A realist thinks the light is probably inside the tunnel.
A train driver sees three idiots standing in the middle of the track
A blonde was walking through the woods...
... when she saw a brunette on some train tracks. She watched her for a few minutes, trying to understand what she was doing. The brunette was hopping from one track to the other, saying "38, 38, 38..."
After a little while, the blonde decides to join the brunette, hopping from track to track, saying "38, 38, 38..."
They do this for a few more minutes until there is a train coming. The brunette jumps off the tracks, just in time for the blonde to get smeared.
After the train passes, the brunette hops back onto the tracks, saying, "39, 39, 39..."
For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.
Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.
Work in progress, needs fine tuning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend once dared me to take a s**... on electrified train tracks.
That was the last time I put my a**... on the line for him.
Three blondes are on a walk
While on this walk, they come across an interesting set of tracks. Taking interest in it, each of the girls have a guess as to what animal it could be.
The first blond said "I bet those are bear tracks", to which the other two scoff and say there were no bears around.
The second blond says "they might be raccoon tracks", but the others point out they have never seen raccoon tracks that big before.
The third one, joking, says "I bet those are elephant footprints" and they have a good laugh about it.
Then the train hit them.
3 blondes were standing around some tracks.
The first blonde said "look at these tracks! Do you think they're deer tracks?"
The second blonde shook her head "no, there are no hoof prints. If anything these are dog tracks".
The third blonde chuckled, "come on you two. Look at the even spacing, the consistent depth, the distance between the tracks - it's obvious they're bear tracks!"
The other two blondes looked at the third in admiration of her excellent knowledge of nature, and then all 3 were hit by a train.
Three swedes found mysterious tracks from the forest
"It is a bunny." Said the first
"It is a rabbit." Said the second
the third one bowed to look and a train ran over him.
A lady is tied on a train track and screaming for help.
I man suddenly rushes out of nowhere and approaches the woman.
He says Thank goodness you are still alive.
It means the 9:00 train hasn't left yet.
Switch Operator
This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."
A pessimist, an optimist, and a realist look down a train tunnel
The pessimist sees a long dark tunnel
The optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees that the light is an oncoming train
The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the tracks.