train ride Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious train ride puns

As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it...

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"

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What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz?

Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

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Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?

The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .

Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?

Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .

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The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tummy this summer."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the teacher, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say tummy, we say stomach."
The third child stood up, feeling quite smart and grown-up, and said, "This summer we got to go to Disney World and I met Winnie the Shit!"

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Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

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Pregnant Lady on the Train

A young boy ride's the train every morning to and from school. One day as we was getting off the train he saw how much of a rush this one pregnant women was in, so he stepped aside and said "after you ma'am," as he stepped aside and let her step off the train. From that day on they began to sit next to each other every single day, twice a day. They told each other about their days, their families, their problems, and their goals. They eventually got so close that the young boy was invited to the hospital just after the birth of her first child. at this moment she turned to the young boy and said, with a smile, "I'm going to name him after you"
Excited but a little bit confused the boy responded:
"I really appreciated that, but he's your child, I think you should name him first"

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International train ride to FaceslapVille

A Pole, a Russian, a nun, and a blonde ride the train from Warsaw to Szczebrzeszyn

Suddenly, a tunnel appears and the lights are out.

Then BAM! A faceslap!

Train reemerges from the tunnel and the Russian has a red face

The Nun thinks: "He must've grabbed the thigh of the blonde and got his punishment"

The blonde thinks: "Idiot, he must've mistaken the nun for me and he got slapped"

The Russian thinks: "Cyka Blyat! The Pole must've grabbed the blonde's thigh and she must've mistaken me for him and I got slapped"

The Pole thinks: "I swear, I'll fucking slap him again when we go through another tunnel."

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train in Scotland.

Looking out the window, the engineer sees something that catches her eye. Look, she says, it's a black sheep! It seems the sheep in Scotland are black.

The physicist shakes his head. Nonsense, he says. All we know is that there are some black sheep in Scotland.
The mathematician looks at his two friends, sighs, and with all earnestness, observes: All we can say is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, one side of which is black.

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The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies...

He soon writes home to his father.

>Dear Dad,

>Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train.

>Your son, Ahmed

Promptly, his father writes back.

>My Dear son Ahmed,

>$20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family.

>Go and get yourself a train too.

>Love, your dad

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Three Greeks and Three Turks are riding a train.

The Turks each buy one ticket, but the Greeks only buy one ticket total. The Turks are confused.

"How can you ride with one ticket?"

"Watch and you shall see."

The Greeks get on the train and pile into the bathroom. The Turks sit near the bathroom and observe. The conductor knocks on the door and says "Ticket please." The Greeks slide the ticket through the door.

The Turks think this is ingenious! They decide to try it, so on the ride back they buy only one ticket. But the Greeks don't buy any.

"How will you ride without any tickets?"

"Watch and you shall see."

They get on the train. The Turks pile into one bathroom, the Greeks into another. One Greek gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the bathroom the Turks are hiding in, and says:

"Ticket please."

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The great train of Communism grinds to a halt...

Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are riding on the great train of communism together when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin pokes his head out of the window and shouts, "Take the engineers behind the tool sheds and have them shot, then get new engineers!" But the train still does not move.

Khrushchev has a go at it next. "Pardon the engineers, retrain them, then put them back to work!" But still the train does not move.

Finally, after hours at complete standstill, Brezhnev turns to his fuming compatriots and says, "Gentlemen, let us simply close the blinds and pretend that we are moving!"

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A preacher trained his horse...

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said "Thank God" and to stop when he said "Amen."


The preacher mounted the horse and said "Thank God" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen." He took off again saying "Thank God"

The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said "whoa! whoa!" Then he remembered and said "Amen" and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said "Thank God!"

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Italian and a Rabbi are riding on a train together...

They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.

Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"

"Yes", replies the Italian.

"Well then, I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."

The Italian shrugs and eats the sausage, then pulls out a bottle of wine, offering some.

Rabbi looks at the bottle and says, "It's not kosher, I can't drink it. God's law."

Italian says, "Wow your god is strict. What if there was nothing kosher around to eat or drink?"

Rabbi replies, "Well, he makes exceptions in situations of life and death."

With that, the Italian points a gun at the rabbi and says, "Drink the wine or I'll blow your head off!!"

Rabbi grabs the bottle, and with a very annoyed look on his face, downs the rest of it.

"Please don't be upset with me. I just wanted you to have some wine", says the Italian.

Rabbi says, "Of course I'm upset! Where was the gun when you had some sausage left?!?"

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All Aboard!!

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son.


He was playing with his new electric train, in the living room.


She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!


And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."


The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.


Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.


When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."


Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.


Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.


We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.


We hope you will ride with us again soon."


She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.


Remember, there is no smoking on the train.


We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."


As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

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Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train..

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these are as cheap as dirt." Then Vladimir Putin pulls a bottle of expensive Russian vodka out of his pocket and, after a few sips, throws the bottle out the window. Fidel Castro and the Oort Cloud are both surprised and ask "what are you doing, Vladimir, that is expensive vodka!" To which Putin responds "Pah! In your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in Russia this vodka is as plentiful as rainwater. The Oort Cloud considers this for a minute or two, and then throws a six-mile-wide comet out of the window which, on impact, incinerates everything within a thirty-mile radius, causes massive earthquakes and tsunamis for thousands of miles in each direction, and kicks up a cloud of dust and ash that eventually encircles the Earth wiping out nearly all forms of life in a matter of months.

...

I don't care if it's old. This is probably the best joke ever.

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My Dad's Best Joke - Not a dad joke

My dad was enjoying a smoke break during an in-service training at the police academy. He had taken to smoking Misty cigarettes. A friend from a neighboring police force asked him why he was smoking such a feminine cigarette.

"Well, Kay went out to get something out of my cruiser the other day, and found a pack of these between the seats. I had to tell her I'd switched."

"Oh... Are they any good?"

"They're not bad, but these thong panties keep riding up my ass."

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A little boy is playing with his train set...

...while his mother is in the other room. She hears the train stop and her son say, "Here we are at the stop, all you sons of bitches who live here get the fuck out, and the rest of you jackasses stay where you are."

The mother goes to her son and yells, "Jimmy, *what* did I just hear? That is atrocious language and I will *not* have it in my house. Go to your room, you're grounded for the next TWO HOURS!" The boy reluctantly gets up and goes to his room.

Two hours later, the mother is in the kitchen making dinner. She hears her son come down the stairs and start playing with the train set again. The train stops and her son says "We've arrived at our next stop. All passengers who have arrived at their destination may now disembark the train, and all those continuing on should stay in their seats. We thank you for riding with us."

The mother smiles, glad to hear that her son has done away with the profanity in his speech.

Then the boy adds, "Any passenger who is pissed about the fucking TWO HOUR delay can refer their complaints to the stupid bitch in the kitchen."

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Lenin,Stalin and Gorbachev were riding on a train...

When it came to a halt,the engineer said,"Our engine has failed,What shall i do?"."Let the invincible spirit of the people pulls us on!" Lenin declared."Shoot the engineer!" offered Stalin.And Gorbachev suggested, "Close the shades and we can pretend we're moving forward."

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They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

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The train ride to the engineering and math convention

A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.

Then, one of the engineers said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors.

He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.

So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

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It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.

To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher.
"Winnie-the-Shit!"

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Russian history joke, maybe not for everyone but my Soviet studies professor told it in class and I had to share.

Josef Stalin, Nikita Khruschev, and Leonid Bresnev are riding together on a train headed towards Communism.

Suddenly the train grinds to a halt. The three leaders are annoyed, most of all Stalin, who immediately orders the train's personnel executed. Still, the train does not move.

Khruschev stands up and tells Stalin he is wrong and his way is the best way to restart the train. He has the crew posthumously reanimated. Still, the train does not move.

Now some time has gone by and the leaders are becoming irate, that is, except for Bresnev, who now believes he knows exactly how to restart the train and arrive at Communism.

He stands up and moves to the window of the train. He lifts the curtain and says, "Comrades, the best way to make it Communism is to look out this window, and pretend the train is moving."

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How come no baby train?

Back then, my father took a ride on the Union Pacific, and he overheard this conversation between a mother and her little girl:

— Mommy, mommy, how come the big cow in the field has a baby cow with her, the big horse in the field has a baby horse, but the big train doesn't have a baby train?

— I dunno, sweetheart. I guess you should ask the conductor. Well, here he comes!

The conductor comes around, and as he goes by the little girl's seat, she asks him:

— Mister conductor, how come the big cow in the field has a baby cow with her, the big horse in the field has a baby horse, but the big train doesn't have a baby train?

— My little girl, that's because Union Pacific always pulls out on time!

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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician see a black sheep while riding a train in England...

The engineer says: oh, there are black sheep in England

The physicist says: no... there is at least ONE black sheep in England

The mathematician says: no. In England there is at least ONE sheep of which at least ONE side of it is black

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Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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Jennifer Lawrence, a Frenchman and an Englishman are riding a train.

The train enters a tunnel and in the darkness the sound of a slap rings out. When the train comes out the Frenchman is rubbing his bruised cheek.

The Frenchman thinks, "The Englishman must have tried to kiss Jennifer and she slapped me by mistake."

Jennifer Lawrence thinks, "The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, but accidentally kissed the Englishman and got slapped in return."

And the Englishman thinks, "This is great, every time we go into a tunnel I get to slap that French asshole."

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A man is running late for his tee time

So he grabs his golf bag, throws a few spare balls into his pocket, and heads for the train that runs near the course.

A few minutes into the train ride, he notices an elderly woman staring at the bulge in his pants from the spare golf balls.

"They're golf balls, ma'am."

"Ohhh, I'm so sorry, is that sort of like tennis elbow?"

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Three men are on a train.

One is an economist, one is a logician, and the other is a mathematician.

They are riding into Scotland, as they pass a brown cow.

The economist says, "Look, the cows in Scotland are brown."

The logician says, "No, there are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown"

The mathematician says, "No, There is at least one cow in scotland, of which one side appears to be brown from this distance"

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What the hell was that noise?

A man is traveling by train to visit a relative and is being lulled to sleep by the clickety-clack of the wheels on the track when suddenly there is a a screeching of twisted metal and the sound of smashed glass followed by clickety-clack again.

He is wondering what happened when the ticket inspector comes by.

"Tickets please" says the inspector and the man hands him his ticket and asks:

"What happened? We were riding along smoothly when suddenly there was a screeching of twisted metal and the sound of smashed glass followed by clickety-clack."

"Ahh" said the inspector, "We ran over a black man"

"Ran over a black man! But why so much noise?" asked the passenger

"Well, he was on the platform but we still got him"

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What's the worst part about riding a train who's conductor is into bdsm?

You can only get off when they tell you to

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About the two hour delay...

One day, a woman was cooking dinner for her family, as her son plays with his trains in the living room. She then hears her son say, "All you bastards getting off here, get the fuck off my train! All the fuckers getting on my train, get your ass on here now!" The mom then says, "Son, you can't use that language. Go to your room until dinner is done." The son goes peacefully to his room for the next two hours and comes back out when his mother tells him dinner is ready. He then calmly comes back out and picks up his train, and sweetly says, "Everybody that is disembarking the train here, I hope you had a nice ride. Everybody boarding here, I thank you for choosing this station." His mother smiles and thinks she did her job right. Her son then says,"If you are concerned about the two hour delay, ask the fat bitch in the kitchen!"

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A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are riding a train in Scottland

Suddenly, they spot a black sheep in the field.

The engineer says, "See! All sheep in Scottland are black!"

The physicist exclaims, "No! Some sheep in Scottland are black!"



The mathematician, disgusted, says, "No! In Scottland, there exists at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black, when seen from a running train!"

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why don't jews ride trains?

They're not falling for that one again

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A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, **an** old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding **on** a train.

The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.

The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.

The old Dutch woman thinks: "He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him."

The young Swedish woman thinks: "He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him."

The Englishman thinks: "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me."

The Irishman thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."

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What do you call a dude who's learning to ride the waves?

A training brah.

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What are the most funny Train Ride jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Train Ride? Well, here are the best Train Ride dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Train Ride pick up lines to share with friends.

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