Train Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

I was sitting on a train next to a hot Thai girl.

I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."

But.....she did.

Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...

The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."

He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."

The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."

What must you have if you want to crash a train?

A loco motive.

I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here πŸ™ƒ

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber?

He had locomotives.

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"

T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"

S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

I just got my prostate examined.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.

My mom used to feed me by saying: Here comes the train! I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Realist sees light from incoming train.

Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

Two Blondes are out on a hike....

....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"

Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful busty girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"

Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

Three blondes found some tracks...

The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing.

So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

Blonds in the woods

There were three blonds walking through the woods, when they come across some tracks.
"These are bear tracks" said the first blond,
"No, these are deer tracks" sais the second,
"You two are both wrong, these are wolf tracks" said the third,
They were all still arguing when the train hit them.

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

My favorite blond joke of all time...

So two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blond was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel

The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel

The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway






EDDIT: u/mandrous's critic accepted!

Three blondes were walking through a forest...

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came across a set of tracks. They stopped, bewildered, wondering what animal could have made them. The first blonde says, "I know, those are moose tracks." The second blonde goes, "no, those are bear tracks." The third blonde says, "guys, those are definitely wolf tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl.

I thought to myself, Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection . But she did.

Saw a beautiful Thai woman on the train today...

kept thinking, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, but then she did.

Three blonds are out walking in the Forest when they come across a set of tracks

Those are deer tracks! Said the first.

No! They're antelope tracks! Said the second

Oh no... they are definitely bear tracks! said the third.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Hot Thai girl

I was sitting opposite a really hot Thai girl on the train this morning.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train...

She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"

"Just a riddle," she said.

Einstein is on a train leaving New York.

He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, "Spit out your gum!"
The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"

A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident

and when hes rushed to hospital

the only available transplant are a child's

so he gets the surgery

and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain

the nurse runs up and says

'sir is it your legs'

and the man goes

'no'
'its my kidneys'

Three blondes are walking through the woods

shortly into their walk, they find tracks on the ground.

"Look at the size of these rabbit tracks!" Said the first blonde.

"You moron, those are raccoon tracks." Said the second blonde.

"You two are so stupid, these are obviously coyote tracks!" Said the third blonde.

Two minutes later, they were all run over by a train.

What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz?

Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

Three blondes are walking through the woods...

They come across a pair of tracks.

The first blonde says, "I think these are bear tracks!"

"No", the second blondes goes, "these are definitely deer tracks!"

The third blonde says, "I think they're rabbit tracks!!"

Then the train hit them...

This is my favorite clean joke by far.

Three blondes are walking in the forest.

So one day, three blondes were walking in the forest. Eventually, they happened upon some unidentified tracks in the ground.

"Hey, look! Deer tracks!" The first blonde said.

"No, they're raccoon tracks!" The second argued.

"You guys are stupid," interjected the third blonde, "these are clearly bear tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Three Blondes

Three blondes were walking in the woods when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Hey guys, look at the bear tracks." The second blonde said, "Are you stupid? Those are wolf tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong! Those are fox tracks!" They were all still arguing when the train hit them.

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder?

She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

[Blonde Joke] Two blondes are walking in the forest and they come across some tracks. They start arguing about what animal they belong to.

In the middle of their heated argument they got run over by a train.

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

Why did the crazy mexican crash a train?

He had loco motives...

I'll show myself out

Did you hear about that Mexican train thief?

They say he had loco motives.

How does a train eat?

It goes chew chew

Three Blondes

Three blondes are hiking in the woods when they see some tracks.

1st blonde: Look guys, deer tracks!

2nd blonde: No, stupid, they're wolf tracks!

3rd blonde: You guys are both dumb, they're clearly bear tracks!

Then they got hit by a train.

I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;

"Let me show you the ropes!"

I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed.

He said


"I don't know it's hard to keep track."

I told my girlfriend to roleplay as a a Lvl 100 Charizard while we were having sex.

She scratched me and told me that I didn't have enough badges to train her.

I was on the train this afternoon...

when I sat across from a very attractive babe from Thailand.

I spent the next 10 minutes thinking to myself, "don't get an erection, please don't get an erection". But she did.

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?

The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .

Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?

Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .

Two blondes are in the woods looking at a set of tracks.

"They're wolf tracks," says the first.

"No way! Those are fox tracks!" Exclaims the second.


The two fight back and forth so loud they didn't hear the train coming.

Two blondes are walking through the woods......

They come across a set of tracks. The first blonde said those have to be bear tracks. The second blonde disagrees and said those have to be moose tracks.
Bear tracks
Moose tracks
Bear tracks
The argument would have gone on all day if a train hadn't hit them both.

Frustrated Prostitute.

There was this hard working prostitute who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".

What are the funniest train jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Train? Well, here are the best Train puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Train pick up lines to share with friends.

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