Train Conductor Jokes

93 train conductor jokes and hilarious train conductor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about train conductor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Train Conductor Short Jokes

Short train conductor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The train conductor humour may include short bus conductor jokes also.

  1. My boss said to me, You're the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year? I said, I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.
  2. There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes.. No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.
  3. A man steals and crashes a train and is then given the electric chair, but nothing happens. guess he was a bad conductor
  4. A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived It turns out he was a bad conductor
  5. TIL that people who've crashed a train before are impervious to being struck by lightning. Because they're bad conductors.
  6. So the interviewer asked the applicant if he had any experience as a conductor. He responded, "Yeah, I've done a bit of training"
  7. Why cant train drivers be sentenced to the electric chair? Because they're bad conductors.
  8. Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair? he was a bad conductor.
  9. Why should you never let a non-metal drive a train? Because they're poor conductors!
    (I know they're called Engineers but cut me some slack, I thought of this in the 9th grade.)
  10. Has anyone here heard of the Mexican train conductor who went crazy and ran over a bunch of people? He had locomotives!

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Train Conductor One Liners

Which train conductor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with train conductor? I can suggest the ones about conductor and bus driver.

  1. What does a Muslim train conductor say before he starts his train? ALLAH BOARD!
  2. What's the key to becoming a good conductor ? Train
  3. Why did the Mexican train conductor get arrested? He had Loco motives
  4. Why are trains so energetic? They have Conductors.
  5. Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who killed everyone? He had locomotives.
  6. I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training.
  7. What does a train conductor do when he's angry? He blows off some steam
  8. I took my orchestra onto a train one day The conductor was rubbish
  9. What Does A Muslim Train Conductor Say Allah-Board!
  10. Why do electricians like talented train drivers? Because they're good conductors
  11. Why was the train conductor depressed? He felt like his life was just going in circles.
  12. Planned Parenthood as a train: Conductor: All Aboorrttttttt!
  13. It must be really easy being a train conductor All you have to do is stay on track
  14. Why did the train get hit by lighting? Because of the conductor.
  15. How do you call a conductor in the train with the small stature? Semiconductor

Rib-Tickling Train Conductor Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about train conductor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean train tracks jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make train conductor pranks.

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.

Finally it creaks to a halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."
"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."
"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a v**..., and *pretend* the train is running!"

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"

What did the Muslim train conductor say to the passengers as they were getting on?


Three Greeks and Three Turks are riding a train.

The Turks each buy one ticket, but the Greeks only buy one ticket total. The Turks are confused.
"How can you ride with one ticket?"
"Watch and you shall see."
The Greeks get on the train and pile into the bathroom. The Turks sit near the bathroom and observe. The conductor knocks on the door and says "Ticket please." The Greeks slide the ticket through the door.
The Turks think this is ingenious! They decide to try it, so on the ride back they buy only one ticket. But the Greeks don't buy any.
"How will you ride without any tickets?"
"Watch and you shall see."
They get on the train. The Turks pile into one bathroom, the Greeks into another. One Greek gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the bathroom the Turks are hiding in, and says:
"Ticket please."

Did you hear about the guy who got sentenced to the electric chair for crashing the train he was working on?

He didn't die, though. Apparently he was a *terrible* conductor.

Train conductor

A train conductor is making sure he stamped everybody's ticket when a man try's to get on the train without a ticket. Too stop him the conductor swings his suitcase hitting the man on the head killing him. The conductor has to go to the electric chair. When they turn it on it doesn't do anything. They ask him what happened and he simply said "I'm a bad conductor."

A German joke

An old man was travelling by train from his hometown of Offenburg to visit family in Frankfurt am Main. It was quite a journey for him, since he never got around much.
At one time the conductor walks by yelling "HEIDELBERG, GET OFF!" The man thinks, "That's my name!" and gets off the train marvelling at the wonders of modern technology that allow the railway companies to remind passengers by name where they have to change.
While on the platform he hears "HEIDELBERG, COME IN!" and hastily boards the other train. He sits down and since he's in an unusually good mood, he begins to chat up another passenger. "Where are you going?," he asks. "To Regensburg," sounded the reply.
The old man slaps his knees, and says excitedly "What a time to be alive! I'm going to Frankfurt, you're going to Regensburg, and we're both on the one same train!"

Did you hear about the train conductor that went on a killing spree?

He had loco motives.

How come no baby train?

Back then, my father took a ride on the Union Pacific, and he overheard this conversation between a mother and her little girl:
— Mommy, mommy, how come the big cow in the field has a baby cow with her, the big horse in the field has a baby horse, but the big train doesn't have a baby train?
— I dunno, sweetheart. I guess you should ask the conductor. Well, here he comes!
The conductor comes around, and as he goes by the little girl's seat, she asks him:
— Mister conductor, how come the big cow in the field has a baby cow with her, the big horse in the field has a baby horse, but the big train doesn't have a baby train?
— My little girl, that's because Union Pacific always pulls out on time!

A cat in a rainbow afro wig is driving a train

and things are not going well, he's blowing switches, picking up speed and will almost certainly c**... into the town at the bottom of the hill. A police officer sees this hops in her car and chases after the train. Through a daring twist of events the police officer manages to dive onto the train after crashing her car into the river below. When she gets to the engine room she sees the cat is wearing Groucho Marx glasses, and is blowing into a tube that causes its' polka-dotted bow-tie to spin while making a whistle-ish sound. The police officer looks ahead and sees she has only moments to stop the train. Her instincts kick in, she pulls the brake and the train stops inches from crashing into the town and killing thousands.

The moral of the story is a copper is a much better conductor then a silicate.


Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.

What's the worst part about being a railroad conductor?

The training.

Just finished my classes on becoming a Train Conductor

For the most part it's straight forward.

What happened to the absent-minded conductor?

He lost his train of thought.

What job do you never stop training for?


Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling...

Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling by train from Stockholm to Oslo. The Swedes only buys one ticket, but the Norwegians buys two. On the train, the Swedes locks themselves in the toilet. When the conductor goes by, he knocks on the door, asking for the ticket. They slip the ticket under the door, the conductor cuts it and moves on.
The Norwegians sees this, and on the way back, the Norwegians buys one ticket, but the Swedes buys none. On the train, the Norwegians locks themselves in the toilet. The Swedes soon knocks on their door, asks for their ticket. The Swedes takes the ticket, goes to the next toilet and locks themselves in.

What do an angry conductor and a line of pop singers have in common?

They're both madonna train.

Why was the mathematician concerned for his parrot?

Because polygon.
*Courtesy of my train conductor this morning.

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris...

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris. Panting, he asks the conductor:
"Excuse me, does this train go to Toulouse?"
"Non monsieur," replies the conductor.
"Zis train goes 'WOOOOT WOOOOOOT!'"

What does it take to be a conductor?

Extensive Training

I want to be a train conductor.

The problem is that I still need more training.

A Russian, German and p**... just robbed a bank. They all jump on a train to get away from the cops...

They all climb on board a cargo car carrying pets and supplies. The crew hears the the conductor coming and hides. The Russian hides near some dog cages, sees the conductors flashlight and barks a few times. The conductor moves on, and shines his light towards the cat cages where the German hid. Right away, the German meowed and the conductor moved on without pause. Finally, as the conductor moved towards the back of the car, he approaches a sack of potatoes the p**... has hid in. He kicks the sack and the p**... yells out "PO-TA-TO"!

A conductor asked me if I could help him drive a train...

I said, "yeah of course, how hard could it be?" Then I saw how complicated the control panel was. It was then that I realized that I may have bitten off more than I could choo.

What's the worst part about riding a train who's conductor is into b**...?

You can only get off when they tell you to

Did you hear the one about the train conductor who pled not guilty by insanity?

He had a real loco motive

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of m**...?

She claimed she had locomotives.
(I'm sorry.)

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?
Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.
Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.
Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

Did you hear about why the train conductor committed m**...?

It was a loco motive.

How did the train employee survive electrocution?

He was a good conductor.
I came with this one up myself and I'm looking for feedback.

Why did the train conductor get convicted of the crime?

He had a locomotive

How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

Did you hear about the styrofoam man that worked on an electric train?

He was fired because he was an awful conductor.

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor arrested for m**...?

He had loco-motives

So there's two Mathematicians and two Physicists getting a train to a Congress.

Before they buy tickets. While the Physicists got two tickets, the mathematicians only get one.
As soon as they see the conductor they both get into the same toilet. So when he knocks on the door they only push one ticket underneath the door.
On the way back, the Physicists buy one ticket only while the Mathematicians don't buy any.
Again the Physicists are confused. As soon as they see the conductor they leave for the toilet. One of the Mathematicians follows them knocks on the door and says: Ticket, please.

What does the conductor say on the train heading to the mosque?


Why wouldn't the conductor let electron onto the train?

He was a bad conductor.

My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the Train Conductor goes to the general and tells the general.
"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."
The general nods. "Then we will take no chances and immediately send them to the crematorium."
The Jews from the train are herded into the crematorium rooms and locked in for three days while the fires rage on. The general comes back to see the fruits of their labor, the toughest Jews burned to ashes. But when he opens the door...
"What are you doing?! You're going to let all the warm air out?!"

I met a man with two rubber feet...

...he wanted to drive a train, but wasn't a good conductor.

a train conductor, notorious for being mean and despised, makes his daily call for passengers, all of which hate him

all abhorred! he shouts

How do you become a better conductor

Through training

Did you here about the train conductor who robbed his community's 7/11?

Police are saying he had a local-motive

What do people say when somone crashes a train?

He must have been a bad conductor! (I'm sorry that was just so bad

Did you hear about the serial killer train conductor?

I heard he had a loco-motive.

Why don't self aware train drivers go through thunderstorms?

Because they know they're good conductors.

Wife: I regret getting you that train conductor hat for Christmas.

Me: Your ticket please.

Why did the conductor make a terrible train pun?

Because he couldnt resist

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for m**...?

The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

A pessimist, optimist, and realist are standing in a tunnel.

The pessimist thinks about the darkness surrounding them. The optimist thinks about the light they will reach at the end. The realist thinks about freight trains that might be near.
And the train conductor thinks about what might happen if these 3 idiots don't move

A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.

In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,
What a hideous baby.
I've never been so insulted in my whole life, the man says, and
hurries to the train conductor to complain.
I'm so sorry, sir, the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he was insulted so terribly. I apologise on behalf of the railway
Please allow me to move you to the first-class cabin, where you
can enjoy a free glass of champagne and I will try to find some cheese for your pet rat.

A pessimist, an optimist, and a realist look down a train tunnel

The pessimist sees a long dark tunnel
The optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees that the light is an oncoming train
The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

German tourists are travelling to USSR for the first time

They decide to go by train to see the scenery. After few hours the train stops. The train just stands there for 4 hours without any sign of moving. Eventually one of the Germans approaches the conductor and asks, what is happening:
''The driver is exchanging the locomotive''
''For 4 hours?''
''For v**...''

jokes about train conductor