Traffic Jokes
160 traffic jokes and hilarious traffic puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about traffic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of traffic jokes. From the classic car jokes to the more modern day traffic light jokes, we've got something for everyone.
Quick Jump To
- Short Traffic Jokes
- Traffic One Liners
- Traffic Light Jokes
- Traffic Jam Jokes
- Stuck In Traffic Jokes
- Stuck Traffic Jokes
- Traffic Cone Jokes
- More Traffic Jokes
Funniest Traffic Short Jokes
Short traffic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The traffic humour may include short roads jokes also.
- My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new. Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
- A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic was fine. No congestion for hours!
- Man: Judge, 60% of my traffic tickets are bogus! Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. 3/5 of my traffic tickets are bogus! - I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?" - Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful Thought of this in traffic yesterday
- What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe? The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
- Ugly scenes Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening
An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles - A Duck is standing on the side of the road waiting a for break in the traffic... A chicken walks up to him and says Don't do it, you'll never hear the end of it.
- What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light? Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection.
- A duck was standing on the curb Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
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Traffic One Liners
Which traffic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with traffic? I can suggest the ones about vehicle and travel.
- What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing.
- What do you call a traffic jam in Compton? A blood clot
- Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
- Why was Freddy Krueger late for work? Cause traffic is a nightmare on Elm Street.
- what makes us really humans? Selecting all images with traffic lights
- What do cars eat on their toast? Traffic jam.
- In a banana republic the traffic lights go from green to yellow to brown.
- I always keep my guitar in my car It's good for traffic jams
- I love the sound of traffic. It's my jam
- So I was sitting in traffic the other day... got run over.
- The ChatGPT servers must be stuck in traffic... in the internet highway!
- Why did the traffic light turn red? The traffic caught it changing.
- What do you call a group of cars playing instruments? A Traffic Jam
- What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop? Ivana Pulyova
- I started my own traffic control company. It's a slow-moving business.
Traffic Light Jokes
Here is a list of funny traffic light jokes and even better traffic light puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do traffic lights turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
- A man is driving across town with his dog. He sees a traffic light and begins to stop.
The dog says, "Why are you slowing down, the light's gray?" - According to physics, light travels faster sound... ... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
- I was stopped at a traffic light, and among the pedestrians crossing was my ex. And I thought, "I'd hit that."
- What did one traffic light say to another? Hey, stop looking! I'm changing.
- Why do traffic lights never go swimming? Because they spend too much time changing.
- Why does the traffic light always turn red? You would too if you had to change in front of so many people.
- Stop signs are red, traffic lights are green, I ride a bicycle, and have no idea what that means.
- I watched a terrible documentary on traffic signals. Who green-lights these things?
- When was the first car horn used? Exactly 0.001 seconds after the first traffic light turned green.
Traffic Jam Jokes
Here is a list of funny traffic jam jokes and even better traffic jam puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the truck full of blueberries that crashed on the highway? It caused a traffic jam.
- Q: What do cars eat on their toast?
A: Traffic jam. - Why are cars called Sweet Rides? Traffic Jams
- Whats the worst kind of jam for breakfast? Traffic jam
- Why did the strawberry cross the road? There was a traffic jam.
- Q: What do cars eat on their toast?
A: Traffic jam. - What's on a toast that got run over by a car? Traffic Jam
- What do you call a traffic jam full of trucks in Wisconsin? A cheesy pickup line.
- An 18-wheeler spilled a load of strawberry preserves on the interstate today It was a real traffic jam
- What do cars spread on their toast? Traffic jam
Stuck In Traffic Jokes
Here is a list of funny stuck in traffic jokes and even better stuck in traffic puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife and I were stuck in traffic. She said, "I'm turning round."
"I can see that," I replied. "Try eating less chocolate." - 9 out of 10 doctors recommend not getting stuck in traffic Because the 10th one is still stuck in traffic.
- Steve Winwood began his solo career in 1977. He would have started sooner, but he was stuck in traffic.
- What did the lion say when he was stuck in traffic? Mufasa
- I took the road less travelled by But so did everyone else because they saw it on Google Maps and now we're all stuck in traffic. -Robert frost
- Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic? A: A PearlJam 😃
- I'M A STARK! Exclaimed the Italian stuck in traffic.
- I was stuck in traffic behind a Mazda SUV this morning... it wasn't the greatest car in the whole world. It was just a Tribute.
- how many sheep are stuck in traffic none because sheep cant drive!! hahahaha
- The best thing about a U-Haul truck Even if you're stuck in traffic, you're still moving.
Stuck Traffic Jokes
Here is a list of funny stuck traffic jokes and even better stuck traffic puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was stuck in traffic while on the road in Ireland... Cork was in a bottleneck.
- My girlfriend told me her period was late So I said it's probably stuck in traffic.
- My wife says if anything ever happens to her I should move on and remarry. Today I found out, apparently "anything" does not include getting stuck in a traffic jam.
- My wife told me to find a new one if anything happens to her Apparently 'anything' doesn't mean being stuck in traffic
- My wife said that if anything happens to her I must move on with my life Apperently stuck in traffic isn't part of "anything".
- What happens when a bear and a cow are stuck in traffic? They BEARly MOOOOOve!
- You might want to listen to that long Marvin Gaye song while stuck in that bad traffic today. It's a Slow Jam.
- A traffic jam is like a bad marriage... ...you're stuck in it because of an accident.
- Chuck Norris doesn't get stuck in traffic, traffic gets stuck in Chuck Norris.
- Saw a turkey while stuck in traffic... Gave him the bird
Traffic Cone Jokes
Here is a list of funny traffic cone jokes and even better traffic cone puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids? A traffic cone.
*what did you expect?* - What do you call ice cream you eat in a car? A traffic cone!
- Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone.
Amusing & Witty Traffic Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about traffic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cars jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make traffic pranks.
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Heisenberg is out for a drive...
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he is stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: 'Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg then replies, "No, but I know where I am."
A police officer was directing traffic.
A police officer was directing traffic. He saw a man walking along the sidewalk with a penguin following him. He says, "Sir, you have a penguin following you."
"I know, he won't quit following me." replies the man.
"You should take him to the zoo." The man nods and walks towards the zoo. A bit later the police officer sees the man with the penguin still behind him. "Excuse me sir, I thought you were taking the penguin to the zoo."
"I did" said the man, "Now we are going to the movies."
p**... in New York
p**... was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and p**... still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, p**... went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'
A woman hears a traffic report on the radio and calls her husband, who's on his way to work.
"Be careful, dear, I heard on the radio that there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the freeway."
"There isn't o**... driving the wrong way, they all are!"
Be careful in traffic with your pasta car...
You wouldn't want it to get al dente.
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
How does a blond cross the road?
A brunette is on a busy street across from a department store she needs to visit, and is looking for an intersection to cross over when she spots a blonde walking out of the store.
The brunette waves and calls out over the traffic noise, "hey there! How do I get to the other side?"
The blonde looks confused and calls back, "you ARE on the other side!"
An older woman is watching the news
When a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"
Two blonde girls at a traffic light
They stop at red:
-Look at that red color!
-Wow, it's beautiful.
-And the yellow!
-Such brightness!
-And the green!
-Much nature!
-Oh, it's red again, we saw it already. Let's go.
Did you hear about that Air Asia flight?
Air traffic control didn't.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding...
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Emergency flashers
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their n**... bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
What happens if you run behind a car?
You get exhausted!
Sorry, gotta get back to doing my online traffic school...
What does your s**... life have in common with a highway bridge?
If you have weight limits you aren't going to see as much traffic.
My website just crashed from a huge influx of traffic today...
I wonder why so many people are interested in my superb owl, today of all days. I mean, he's really great and all, but he's just an owl.
An Australian is visiting England...
He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
It is known that m**... eases congestion
"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"
ISIS takes Congress hostage
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding
The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."
A cop stops a speeding guy...
- Do you know how fast you were going?
- I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
- There is no traffic...
- Yeah, THAT'S how far behind I am.
Traffic accidents
A Frenchman and an Englishman are talking at a bar:
Frenchman: "Did you hear, in France they lowered the the amount of alcohol you can drink before driving. But now car accidents have significantly increased"
Englishman: " Wow, how can that be?"
Frenchman: " Well its because if a man drinks wine with a meal at a restaurant, his wife has to drive him home"
Traffic wardens are so nice in my area...
they always leave notes on my car like 'Parking fine'.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!'
I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.
A guy isn't paying attention and rear ends someone at the traffic lights...
...He gets out of his car to inspect the damage and a dwarf gets out of the other car. He says "I'm not happy, you know"!
The guy says "No? Well which one are you then"?
A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme.
The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.
So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.
When a donkey is angry in traffic, what does he do?
He honks
What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?
A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
A man parks his car. As he is getting out a traffic warden walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't park your car here." .....
...."Yes I can" says the man. "The sign there says, 'Fine for Parking'!"
What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?
With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.
But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!
(courtesy of my 12 yr old)
*
Stuck Behind Traffic
A cop pulls a car over for driving too fast. He walks up to the car,
Cop: You were going to fast.
Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There isn't any.
Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am!
A message from my late father...
"Caught in traffic. Running behind."
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."
An old man was driving along the highway...
...when a traffic emergency came on the radio.
"Attention all drivers on Highway 11, there is a lunatic driving on the wrong side of the road!"
The old man muttered to himself; "A lunatic? More like hundreds!"
A man stucks in a traffic jam in US
He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:
– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.
– How much people donate usually?
– Around 5 gallons.
Yo momma's teeth are so yellow
When she smiled at traffic, it slowed down
A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...
After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's lights and orders him to pull over to the side. When the cop reaches his car, the student asks:
"What am I being stopped for?"
The cop answers:
"Drinking and deriving."
I was sitting in traffic for hours this morning.
Almost got run over twice!
When asked for her occupation, A woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher,
The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times.
A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...
Suddenly the radio starts booming: Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.
The man, confused at this alert thinks to himself One car? There are hundreds of them!
Why did the German cross the road?
Because the electronic traffic signal indicated that it was the appropriate time to do so.
A cop pulls over a speeder
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"130 km/h" the man answers
"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.
"I was keeping up with traffic!"
The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"
"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"
A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.
"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
I drove into a car at some traffic lights whilst not really paying attention
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He looked up to me and said, I'm not happy,
Well, which one are you then? I replied.
A nurse, who works in the ER, arrives for her shift
she spots a little boy, who is sitting in the hallway, crying his eyes out.
She asks him: "What happend? Can I help you?"
Boy: "My mother just died from a traffic accident."
Nurse: " Iam so sorry, shall I get you a priest?"
Boy: "No, thank you, Iam not in the mood for s**...."
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?
Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. He looked at it and said: "Oh! I see you're a traffic cop too, you're free to go."
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars are zooming by, while he waits for a break in traffic. Then a Chicken walks by and says " don't do it.. "
" .. you'll never hear the end of it "
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election
They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he'd reveal anything about Earthly life they'd always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, Biden didn't steal the 2020 election. He won fairly.
The first one looked at the second and said, This goes higher than we thought!
A blind man was walking down the street
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.
The dog, at this point, started p**... on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a d**... treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a n**... deed.
The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his f**...' a**...."
A traffic policeman was patrolling at a signal.
A woman ran a red light, and he pulled her over.
The woman said, Please let me go! I'm a teacher.
The policeman laughed and said, Time for payback.
He hands her a notebook and a pen tells her, Write: I'll never break traffic rules again 100 times.
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's f**...,
a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward s**... air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."
Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.
Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.
Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.
The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "
Her mother calmly replied :" Your father has only 6 inches ."
A cop stopped a guy for speeding…
Cop said: Do you know how fast you were going?
The guy replied: I was trying to keep up with traffic
The cop said: But there is no traffic
And the guy answered: That's how far behind I am
