Traffic Cop Jokes

47 traffic cop jokes and hilarious traffic cop puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about traffic cop that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Traffic Cop Short Jokes

Short traffic cop jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The traffic cop humour may include short highway cop jokes also.

  1. A cop stops a speeding guy... - Do you know how fast you were going?
    - I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
    - There is no traffic...
    - Yeah, THAT'S how far behind I am.
  2. Bad pun #3 I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop but when I got home all the signs were there.
  3. You know you're getting old when... You don't panic at the sight of a cop car behind you in traffic.
  4. A motorist was pulled over by a traffic cop. "Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?"
    "Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
  5. A traffic cop went through the trouble of leaving a note under my wipers to let me know I'd positioned my car correctly It said Parking fine so that was nice.
  6. Kid 1: my dad can stop traffic with just one hand. Kid 2: wow , is he Superman ?
    Kid 1: no he is a traffic cop !!
  7. My buddy got fired from the road department He was accused of stealing traffic signals.
    When the cops went to his house, all the signs were there.
  8. A traffic cop pulls over a physicist. Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
    Physicist: I have no idea... but I know exactly where I was.
  9. Traffic stop A cop stops a car and asks the man inside, "Excuse me, sir, have you been drinking?"
    The guy replies, "Why? Is there an ugly chick next to me?"
  10. A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly. It said **'parking fine'** so that was nice.

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Traffic Cop One Liners

Which traffic cop one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with traffic cop? I can suggest the ones about policeman and bad cop.

  1. What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop? Ivana Pulyova
  2. What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater? A pull over.
  3. Did you hear about the dyslexic traffic cop who spent the weekend handing out IUD's?
  4. Did you hear about the dyslexic traffic cop who spent the weekend handing out IUD's?
  5. What kind of horse does a Mountie traffic cop ride? a quotahorse
  6. What did the n**... call their traffic cops. The Gestapo.

Traffic Cop Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about traffic cop you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean speeding cop jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make traffic cop pranks.

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.

He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs.
Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,
"but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a s**t.

So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a s**t in his hat.
He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it.
He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man.
He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.
The guy said, "It's a hurt bird."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."
The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."
The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away."
They kept that up for about five minutes.
Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. "Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won't fly away!"
The guy said, "Alright." And he slowly removed his hand.
The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of s**t and asked the man, "What is this?"
The man replied, "You scared the s**t out of the bird."

What Not to Say to a Policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over?
I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"
Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."
Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"
Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.
"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back.
The pope had not driven a car for ages and the limousine had a powerful engine so he raced through the streets of New York running red lights and breaking the speed limit. This had to draw a lot of attention and soon he was pulled over by a traffic cop.
As the pope rolled down the window the cop could see that this was not an ordinary speeding case. He went back to his car to call his superiors on the radio.
"I've pulled someone over and I'm not sure what to do. I can tell it's a VIP but I'm not sure who it is"
"A VIP? Don't tell me it's the police commissioner again!"
"No. It's not him. It's someone more important."
"More important? Is it the mayor?"
"No. It's not him either. It's someone more important than the mayor"
"More important than the mayor? Are you telling me you've pulled over the president?"
"No. Not the president either. I's someone more important"
"More important? Who can be more important than the president?"
"I don't know! I just know he's so important that he's got the pope as his driver!"

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."

Heisenberg is out for a drive...

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he is stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: 'Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg then replies, "No, but I know where I am."

p**... in New York

p**... was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and p**... still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, p**... went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'

Don't get pulled over in Eastern Europe

Ivan gets pulled over by traffic police, so he tells them the usual s**... story about how he's very poor, he can't pay the ticket etc. etc. So at first the cops are like okay give us some money, we'll make it go away.
Ivan though won't back down and tells them how he's been laid off recently from the banitza factory, his mother in law is trying to convince his wife to divorce him and take the kids away etc. etc. So the cops relent and ask that he only buys them a couple of coffees from the nearby shop to warm themselves.
So Ivan goes to the shop and happily asks for two coffees, and the shop owner says: "Are they for the two policemen out front?" and Ivan says "Actually, they are!" so the shop owner says "Okay, that will be 20 euro."

The Indian Driver

An Indian guy was driving with his family, when he noticed that a cop car was following him. After a couple seconds, he pulled over, and one of the cops came out to his window. He rolled it down and asked, "Is there a problem, officer?"
The cop said, "No, no problem at all, sir. We have been observing you for your entire right. You've stuck to the speed limit, followed traffic rules and were respectful to other drivers. It's Road Safety week so you've been selected as the Best Driver today. So allow me to present to you this $1000 cheque as a token of our appreciation."
The Indian was so pleased. "Great! Now I finally have money for a driver's license."
The officer did a double take. Immediately, the Indian's wife said, "Oh, don't mind him, officer, he blabbers when he's drunk."
This prompted the driver's old mom to mutter, "See, this is why you shouldn't pull over when you're driving a stolen car."

A cop pulled me over on the freeway.

He said "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"
I said "No sir."
He told me "I clocked you in at 80 mph in a 65."
I tried to reason with him, saying "well officer, you see, I was just trying to keep up with traffic."
He looked at me puzzled and retorted "there's nobody else on this road for miles..."
"but that's how far behind I am."

A cop stopped a guy for speeding...

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
He said, "There is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

A man is stopped by a traffic cop...

'Did you know you were three miles over the speed limit, sir? The officer asks.
The man begins to explain 'I'm really sorry officer I'm late for my a**... stretching appointment'
Seeing the perplexed look on the officers face he continues, 'what they do is, put one finger in and work it around until they can fit two in, then keep going until they can get four in, then a hand, then both hands, then both arms to the elbow and it keeps going until my a**... is six foot wide'
The officer, still perplexed, says 'what can you do with a six foot a**...?
To which the man replies 'Stand him by the side of the road with a radar gun.'

A cop pulls a car over for speeding...

A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
The guy tries to defend himself by saying, "I was just going with the flow of traffic."
The cop replies, "Ever go fishing?"
"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding

The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

A cop pulls over Sleepy Hollow on Halloween night.

"Why were you going so fast? Can't you see all of this traffic in front of you? A lot of trick-or-treaters are out tonight."
"Sorry officer, I was just trying to get ahead."

Stuck Behind Traffic

A cop pulls a car over for driving too fast. He walks up to the car,
Cop: You were going to fast.
Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There isn't any.
Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am!

A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's lights and orders him to pull over to the side. When the cop reaches his car, the student asks:
"What am I being stopped for?"
The cop answers:
"Drinking and deriving."

A cop pulls over a speeder

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"130 km/h" the man answers
"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.
"I was keeping up with traffic!"
The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"
"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"

Traffic stop

A car slows down at a stop sign and keeps driving. A cop sees him and pulls him over.
The cop asks, "Why didn't you stop?"
The man says, "I slowed down."
The cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating him. "Now," the cop says, "do you want me to stop or slow down?"

A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.

"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."

According to a recent medical study, m**... helps to ease congestion.

The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.

Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?

Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. He looked at it and said: "Oh! I see you're a traffic cop too, you're free to go."

A Korean immigrant was beaten up by police after they asked for his name and registration papers during a routine traffic stop.

"I never have received seen such bad behaviour by cops" said Mr Fuuk Yu.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding…

Cop said: Do you know how fast you were going?
The guy replied: I was trying to keep up with traffic
The cop said: But there is no traffic
And the guy answered: That's how far behind I am