Tractor Jokes

Boat for sale

Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."

John sees a "boat for sale" sign and decides to go take a look...

Behind the sign the there is only an old tractor and a beat up truck, so he goes to the door and an old newfie answers.
John says "I'm interested in the boat you have for sale"
The newfie looks confused and says "no bye, I ain't got no boat for sale."
"But" John says, "you have a sign out by that old truck and tractor..."
"Aye," replies the newfie, "and dere boat for sale!"

Magical tractor

I was watching a magical tractor driving down the road, when all of a sudden out of nowhere it turned into a field!

I have never met a farmer that isn't pro tractor

Bubba and Earl

Earl walks into Bubba's barn and finds Bubba dancing n**... in front of his John Deere. Earl says "Bubba what are you doin' "
Bubba says "Me and the wife haven't been doin so good in the bedroom lately and the therapist said I should do something s**... to a tractor"

The bull

A farmer is driving his tractor through his field when he spots his neighbor's five year old walking an enormous bull with a leash.
"Hey sweety! Where are ya headin' with that big bull?"
"Hiya Mr. Johnson! Imma takin' it to Maynard's t'mount his cows."
"Good, good... but cantya daddy go instead?"
"Naw, Mr. Johnson... the bull has t'go."

Farming for a Nobel Prize

Farmer John is driving along the road one day when he spots his neighbour, Bill, standing on top of his tractor in the middle of his field. Overcome with curiosity, he ambles over and asks Bill what he is up to?
Bill replies, "Trying to win a Nobel prize".
"How do you figure?"
"Well, I hear they give them to people who are outstanding in their fields!"

Smooth Farmer

Whats a farmers best dating advice?
A tractor

What do you call a good looking tractor?

Attractor

A man is kissing a tractor

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some s**... thing to a tractor. (Attract her)
First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your job back, you get your wife back and you get your tractor back.

I'm tired of all these farming tips. Let's face it, there's only one thing that makes you good at farming

Step one: be a tractor
Step two: don't be unnatractor

A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"

The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"
The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"
The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little f**...!'"

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

Why couldn't the dolphin turn around in a hallway

Because he was driving a tractor

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

"Where's my tractor"

Do you want to know why I called your girlfriend a tractor?

Because she's an upgrade to that h**... you had earlier.

Why did the man sleep under the tractor?

Because he wanted to wake up oily.

I want to start a competitor website to Farmers Only...

I want to start a competitor website to Farmers Only. I wanted to call it eFarmony, but I realized that there's a way better name.
Attractor. Where technology and love combine. Meet someone on a tractor.

Chinese soldiers attack a Soviet tractor.

^This ^joke ^originated ^during ^the ^1969 ^Sino-Soviet ^border ^conflict.
**Radio broadcaster:** *"Comrades! Yesterday, a platoon of the Chinese People's Liberation Army attacked an agricultural tractor without provocation."*
*"Fortunately, our tractor returned fire. It then managed to fly back to base for repairs."*

What's the difference between a black person and a tractor?

When a tractor doesn't work, no one makes excuses for it.

I'm a farmer and found my ex

I tractor down.

How did the farmer plan to pick up the hot girl at the bar?

A tractor

Tractors (Long?)

A man really likes tractors and collects models all day, one day he decides to get rid of all the models and move on.
It just so happens he comes across a building filled with smoke and people running out, he runs into the building attempting to pull out others, people try to dissuade him.
"Don't go in!"
"It's OK, I'm an extractor fan!"

What's yellow and you will die if it falls on you from a tree?

A tractor.

Someone asked me what my angle was on agriculture..

I said I'm pro tractor

What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

One has hydraulics and the other has hybollocks

The end of the world

I was out walking this morning and was passed by a guy riding a tractor on the road. As he passed me he was screaming "It's the end of the world, the end of the world I tell you"
When I got home I told my wife about him and she said it was probably Farmer Geddon.

How do you win a peasant girls heart?

You just ask her what you have to do to a tractor

What does it mean when you have wheels and a country girl wants you?

It means you *a tractor*

Ever hear of an alien reptilian on a tractor?

Illuminati cornfarmed.

m**... was going to see p**......

He went to his farm and p**...'s wife Mary said he's out in the barn.
When m**... walked in to the barn he seen p**... dancing n**... in front of his tractor.
m**... said what are you doing p**...?
p**... replied, you know me and Mary were having problems in the bed room, so we went to a therapist and he said do something s**... to a tractor..

What vehicle do you pick up the most chicks in?

A tractor
(Maybe you'll have to say it out loud)

Ever heard of a reptilian on a tractor?

Illuminati cornfarmed

What did the farmer say when his tractor broke down?

Well that's the last straw....

What do you call an Egyptian backhoe?

Cairo tractor

(From my grandfather)A man from the city goes to work on a farm

He helps the farmer with the harvesting and is riding the tractor around the big field while the farmer is working at one place. Everytime the man passes the farmer he greets him with a simple ''Hey''. This goes on for a little while, until the end of the day.
The farmer walks up to the man and says; ''You're fired. You talk way too much''
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How do you s**... a farm girl?

A tractor.

Do you know how to romance a country girl?

You gotta do something s**... to a tractor.

I bought an ant farm.

I don't know where I'm gonna find a tractor that small.

There's a guy lives near me who is straight-up a wizard.

I was following him driving a tractor yesterday, and he turned it into a field.

How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle?

A tractor beam

How do r**... aliens abduct people?

Tractor beam

Anyone hear about the Magic Tractor

It turned into a field

What's it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross

Crop yield

Little Johnny

An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,
"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"
Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"
Little Johnny: "Run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Oh my God! That's terrible! Are your grandparents or your uncles or aunts or any of your relatives at home?"
Little Johnny: "No! All of them run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "What are you doing all day then?"
Little Johnny: "Drive the tractor!"

How do aliens harvest their crops?

With tractor beams.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field

My s**... date said she'd be impressed if I did something funny to the local farmer's vehicle.

I did whatever I could to a tractor.

It doesn't take much to get a country girl to sleep with you

You just need to s**... a tractor

There's two cows talking in a field.

The first one says, "Did you hear the farmer just bought a new tractor?" The second cow is about to reply when a dog walks up and says, "What's up, ladies?"
The first cow says "Holy s**...! A talking dog!"

Tractors

So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.
One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
Few years later he goes on a date. The restaurant starts smoking and he says "Darling wait i got this". He s**... in all the smoke goes outside and blows it away. Everyone starts applauding and his date asks "How did you do that?". The guy says: "Im an extractor fan"

How do you get a date with a farm girl ?

Just a tractor

I saw a magic tractor on my way home from work yesterday.

It turned into a field.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

I saw it drive down a road and turn into a field.

Svengoolie

Q: How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A: >!A tractor!<
Q: What's the difference between Sven (the host) and a savings bond?
A.1: >!One's appreciated.!<
A.2: >!A savings bond matures.!<
Q: What part of the hospital is off-limits to The Invisible Man?
A: >!The ICU.!<