Track Jokes
153 track jokes and hilarious track puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about track that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of jokes about tracks of all kinds - train tracks, race tracks, railroad tracks, 8-tracks, horse tracks, and more. Whether it's for runners on the track, an old 8-track record, or a high-speed train ride, these jokes will have you laughing from start to finish.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Track Short Jokes
Short track jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The track humour may include short trace jokes also.
- My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
- I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son's train set that I threw the bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
- A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks - My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
- I ordered a balloon on aliexpress Tracking showed it was on the way and then it just disappeared. Has anyone seen it?
- Deep. Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.
Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees light from incoming train.
Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track. - The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing. So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered
- If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money... I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.
- Yoda and Luke Skywalker are together in a ship when Luke asks... Luke: are we on track?
Yoda: off course, we are. - Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him So he tracked down nothing and killed it
Share These Track Jokes With Friends
Track One Liners
Which track one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with track? I can suggest the ones about train and ticket.
- Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies. Nyetflix.
- How do babies keep track of their fathers? They use an extensive dada-base.
- I met my ex at a race track Didnt quite work out, we just drifted away
- Google just bought Fitbit Now they can track your steps online as well as offline
- What's missing from tonight's presidential debate? The laugh track.
- Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks? He was undertrained
- My doctor asked me to keep track of my bowel movements, I said how? He said keep a log
- I lost track of our Dalmation Puppy Luckily, she was spotted
- Our divine caster lost track of his healing spells. It was a clerical error.
- Turning back the clock an hour in 2020 Is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.
- Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon. Give it a fish an' see
- What's white and in the men's 100m track final? The lines.
- What did Jesus do when Mary Magdalene tracked dirt through the house? Jesus swept.
- Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner? He lost track of thyme.
- How do you derail a Norfolk Southern Train? Put it on the tracks.
Back On Track Jokes
Here is a list of funny back on track jokes and even better back on track puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't like to eat anything labeled "reformed ham" As I think it is unfair that the pigs are slaughtered after they've got their lives back on track.
- A man goes into his doctors with tyre tracks all across his back. The doctor says, "what's the matter?"
"I'm feeling a bit run down", the man replies. - What did the train driver say when he decided to get over his drug addiction? I need to get my life back on track
- It's good to see North Korea's economy getting back on track Apparently they're producing vegetables now.
- If my wife is any indication, then we need a woman in office to get this country back on track. For years, she has been creating work out of nothing for me.
- I was counting the tiles in my bathroom but I lost track. now I'm back to square one
Running Track Jokes
Here is a list of funny running track jokes and even better running track puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast, It became a running gag for him.
- I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road!?" It was a running joke.
- There's a police officer at the gym I'm going to I asked him to stand behind me on the track so I run faster
- Rolf Harris went on the run... Police tracked him down and found him adrift at sea, bobbin up and down on a buoy.
- What does a musician train do when running from the law? Covers tracks
- I was late to track practice today... ...they made the whole team run.
- Ever since I was young, I always used to run away from my problems It was no surprise when I got accepted to my college's track and field sports team
- I'm not racist, but... I absolutely refuse to run the 400 at todays track meet.
- You know what they say... When the rivers running red take the dirt track
- Am I the doctor of the Kenyan track team or just irritable? cuz my patience is running thin
Race Track Jokes
Here is a list of funny race track jokes and even better race track puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- At the race track and saw a 100-1 horse win a race. I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that.
- Just realized my poorly-upvoted posts end up being the answer to "what did the driver do at the race track?" [erased]
- What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common? They were both an arms race.
- NASCAR got rid of the confederate flag from race tracks Another true end to race wars.
- What's the worst news for a NASCAR driver before a race? "The track is alright."
- I don't see race was the last thing I said after getting kicked off the track team.
- Why do some race drivers hate wet tracks? Because the water is a distraction.
- Why was the track runner with low self-esteem able to complete the race even after being impaled by a stray javelin? He didn't know he had it in him.
- Why aren't there any Politically Correct Track and Field athletes They don't see race
- I'm not Racist! I like all kinds of races. Drag racing, Nascar, dirt track, go-karts...
Horse Track Jokes
Here is a list of funny horse track jokes and even better horse track puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have got a pretty stable job... I work at a clean horse track.
- A drunk goes to a Horse track... and asks the a horse if he's going to win. The horse replies "Just say Neigh to gambling!"
Train Track Jokes
Here is a list of funny train track jokes and even better train track puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed. He said
"I don't know it's hard to keep track." - I'm such a bad train operator, I can't even remember how many trains I've derailed. It's hard to keep track.
- Dad says to his son, "A train just passed through not too long ago." Son ask, "How do you know?"
Dad replies, "It left tracks." - A friend pushed me on to some train tracks and said it was a joke. I didn't get it, but then it hit me.
- So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, They're deer tracks , No They're Bear Tracks
Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train - So I met this guy at the train station... who was trying to kill himself. But I knew he was just looking for help, so I put him on the right track.
- An old joke I learnt [Clean] A peanut was stuck on the tracks
His heart was all a flutter
A train came down the track
*Choo Choo!*
Peanut butter. - I always tell my kids to stay well clear of any Train tracks... ...except "Drops of Jupiter". That one's ok.
- DAD JOKE!! Oh look kids, a train just passed here.
Gee dad how can you tell that?
Well look, you can see it's tracks!!! - Three swedes found mysterious tracks from the forest "It is a bunny." Said the first
"It is a rabbit." Said the second
the third one bowed to look and a train ran over him.

Fun-Filled Track Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about track you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stalk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make track pranks.
Number 7
Mark dreams number 7.
He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes seventh.
How do you find Will Smith in a blizzard?
You just track the fresh prints.
Sorry if its a repost I just heard it.
21, 21, 21
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from track to track saying, "21, 21, 21..."
A blonde walks up and sees the brunette. She watches her antics for a while and decides to join in, jumping from track to track saying, "21, 21, 21..."
A train comes, and the brunette hops off the tracks just in time to see the blonde get smeared. She waits patiently for the train to pass, then gets back onto the tracks jumping from track to track saying, "22, 22, 22..."
Why did the chicken skip a track on his Red Hot Chili Peppers CD?
To get to the Otherside.
How do woman keep track of their mentraul cycles?
Flow charts.
Best read out loud
I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
The famous joke from eastern europe. Depicting a stereotypic slooow estonian character.
An Estonian stands by a railway track.
Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down.
The first one asks: Is it a long way to Tallinn?
Not too long.
He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down.
After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: Is it a long way still to Tallinn?
Now, it is very long way to Tallinn.
What's the difference between a tribe of clever pygmies and a girls' track team?
One is a group of cunning runts.
Did you hear about the NASCAR driver who went the wrong way around the track?
It turned out to be all right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when a proctologist runs track?
r**... pro laps
There are two types of people in this world..
People who can stay on track and, oh how I love frosted flakes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A racehorse once smoked some w**... just before the race was about to start.
Once it started, the jockey couldn't control it as it veered off track. So the crowd started calling him arrogant as he couldn't get off his high horse..
What did the man do after listening to a Pink Floyd album for two hours?
Skip to the next track
Gliding Eagles
Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.
They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.
The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call speed!!'
The second eagle, calmly replies 'Trust me. You would be flying that fast too if your sphincter was on fire.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was h**... kicked off the track team?
He could never finish a race.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tunnel
Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I decided to make a website so r**... can find out and track who their ancestors were...
I named it Incestry
How can you tell what rank a Russian soldier is?
Count the stripes on his track pants.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Frustrated p**....
There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an e**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hobo s**...
Hobo walks back into the camp where his buddies are having dinner. He is all happy and smiling.
They ask, why are you so happy.
He replies, well, I was walking along the track and found a beautiful woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and we had s**... for hours.
One of his buddies asks: "Did you get any head"
"No", he replied, "the train took most of that".
Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?
Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud)
Tom Brady now has a perfect track record.
He's won 5/7 Superbowls he's been in.
Did you hear about the inner city kid who got that track scholarship?
He overcame many hurdles.
Why did the programmer get kicked out of his high school track team?
He kept getting errors at runtime
Two fish are in a tank...
...And one fish says "you man the guns, I'l drive!"
(laugh track)
Suddenly, the fish points to the horizon and says "What is that over there?" The other fish then exclaims "That's anemone! I can sea him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bob was late to come to see his friend John at the bar
John: Dude, you're so late!
Bob: You won't believe what just happened to me. On my way here, I saw a girl tied to a train track. I untied her and we had s**... time together.
John: That sounds awesome dude!
Bob: Yeah, I know right. We did m**..., doggy, c**... etc. you name it.
John: Did you receive head?
Bob: Nah, couldn't find it.
What utensil in the kitchen is used to keep track of time?
A colander!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin h**... Malone?
His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.
Horse race
A man has a racehorse who never won a race.
Man in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."
The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING"
The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."
If you take acid at a track meet...
is it a field trip?
Enemies of Russia enjoy which track and field sport the most?
Shot Putin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife is a p**... that likes to keep track of her customers per week
She says she does it to keep our relationship more personal.
I don't mind much, but it's the thot that counts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise
I wanted to test this out and Googled "h**... President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?
The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .
Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?
Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Railway Rescue
The other day I rescued a woman who was tied to a railway track. After I untied her we made love. We tried everything except o**... 'cause i couldn't find her head.
What do they use to track Olympic swimmers' speed?
A speedo meter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to the pub...
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had s**... over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"
"I don't know. I never found her head."
What do you do after you eat gravel?
Sheetrock. For those keeping track at home, yes I repurposed a sheet metal joke from a post on another sub a couple days ago but I worked in construction and this made more sense to me.
A police officer is chasing a hacker
He loses track of him in the streets and asks a passerby:
-Where is he,where is the hacker!?
-I don't know,he ransomware.
You know the greatest thing about Persona's music?
I could listen to any track and think it's Akechi song
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pessimist sees only the tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. A realist thinks the light is probably inside the tunnel.
A train driver sees three idiots standing in the middle of the track
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like See?? This is why I chew furniture.
I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?
In case you've lost track, today is December 268...
This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really excited about car rides.
My wife said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, she'll slam my head on the keyboard. I think she's jokinoifghcxiegcrwlwefggxm
lkergx eyt3ruhcmergceg ewgucc ce;oeijf !!!
A blonde was walking through the woods...
... when she saw a brunette on some train tracks. She watched her for a few minutes, trying to understand what she was doing. The brunette was hopping from one track to the other, saying "38, 38, 38..."
After a little while, the blonde decides to join the brunette, hopping from track to track, saying "38, 38, 38..."
They do this for a few more minutes until there is a train coming. The brunette jumps off the tracks, just in time for the blonde to get smeared.
After the train passes, the brunette hops back onto the tracks, saying, "39, 39, 39..."
I was trying to track down a man and a woman, so I set a trap, and baited it with raw chicken.
And that's how I got Sam and Ella.
My wife and I.
My soon to be wife and I are looking at wedding dresses for her.
I said to her I dont care what she wears down the isle. I said best case, you go down the isle wearing a track suit.
She says why... I want something that will look better than that.
I said it would be perfect because I find her very at-track-tive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.
As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.
Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"
The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can you tell all of that just from listening to the ground?!"
"No", says Grey Owl, "As I listen for buffalo, the b**... ran me over."
Lost track of my work because I just heard my car was involved in a drive-by
My Focus is shot.
I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris...
The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.
For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.
Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.
Work in progress, needs fine tuning.
Leaving my kids a diss track as their inheritance
Call that an ill will
The police were called to a female gym...
The female manager ran out to greet the two male officers as they exited their vehicle.
Please, come quickly. She said in horror, We've found a peep hole drilled into the changing room. Some pervert has been watching us!
Don't worry, the policeman said reassuringly, We'll track down the suspect right away. Please tell all the ladies to go back to their exercising. There's nothing to worry about anymore.
The gym manager nodded, relieved, And what about the hole in the wall?
Rest assured The other police officer said, We'll be looking into it
Why does China have the most accurate step-counters?
They track your every move
Nvidia teams up with Oceana nonprofit to track manta rays' travelling habits
They're applying their latest ray tracing technology.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy was driving in the outback.
He decides he needs a break and finds a bar off the beaten track and parks his truck..
He goes i and was confronted by a lot off p**... up bikers.
They started insulting him, so he had one beer then left.
The bikers started shouting, he was not such of a man was he.?
The barman said not much of a driver either, he has just run over 21 motorcycles.
How do you track Will Smith in the woods?
You use fresh prints.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having random bouts of diarrhea...
Couldn't figure out what the h**... was causing it.
Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.
Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.
A driver was reversing his truck up a hill on a narrow gravel track
A hiker saw him and asked, why don't you drive up in forward?
Driver: It is a narrow track, in case I don't find a place to turn up there
Hiker: oh, clever
After a while the hiker sees the same driver reversing down hill
Hiker: what happened?
Driver: I found a place to turn
I hear they're having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan
Now that there's a tally ban
A lady is tied on a train track and screaming for help.
I man suddenly rushes out of nowhere and approaches the woman.
He says Thank goodness you are still alive.
It means the 9:00 train hasn't left yet.
Switch Operator
This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."
Lucky Number 7
I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it's number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in through gate 7 and the only booth open is the 7th. I look at the board and in the 7th race there's a horse named Lucky Number 7 and his odds are 77/1. So I put $700 on him... and believe it not... he came in 7th.
(Cr

