Toy Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW]

A blow up doll!

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

I bought my dog a new toy...

...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

Rumour has it Toy Story 4 is going to focus on Andy's mom's toys

Coincidentally, they are also called Woody and Buzz

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

I'm not bragging, but I made six figures this year…

So they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory...

A dad joke with which we can all sympathize

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."

I call my wife "Happy Meal"...

She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...

Did you know ISIS has its own sex toy factory?

There specialise in blow up dolls

I can tell my new sex toy was made in China.

She speaks Chinese.

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favourite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favourite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

What does Happy Meal and a lonely girl have in common?

They both come with a toy in the box.

An old woman walked into a sex toy shop...

She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.

I think I just made the best dad joke ever.

My son Robbie asked how he should get Poe into his X-wing toy. I said Wedge him. I had no one else to tell.

A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates...

"You really like those new toy soldiers, don't you?"

Rick Astley asked for my Disney films the other day.

I said, you can have Cars and Toy Story, but I'm never gonna give you Up.

A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday

"are you looking for anything in special?"

"what do you have?"

"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "

"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"

"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."

A little boy wants his toy,

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.

When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"

"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"

"Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"

Little Johnny is at Toys R Us...

Little Johnny is at Toys R Us looking for a new toy to buy. He finally finds a toy car he really likes and decides to buy it. He goes up to the cashier to pay for the toy car and offers fake Monopoly money. The cashier says to Little Johnny, "are you dumb? this is not real money." Little Johnny responds, "You're stupid, neither is the car..."

Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

It's a fricken elephant!

A little boy, just about the age of 3, was playing with his toy elephant and his dad comes up to him and says "What do you have there son?"

The boy responds with, "It's a fricken elephant!"

The dad in shock asks him, "What was that?"

"Dad, it's a fricken elephant!!"

Then the mother comes over and asks the little boy what he said and he responds with the same answer, "It's a fricken elephant!!"

Then the grandfather comes over to the parents and says, "Well he sure does like that AFRICan Elephant I got him."

There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

As they sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.

He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.
He asked them who is the most obedient?

Five sets of eyes looked up at him.

Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?

One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. You win! exclaimed the child.

So I ordered a sex toy online.

It was so good, even the mail came.

This guy walks in a Toy R Us to buy a Barbie for his daughter's birthday.

First Barbie he sees: Barbie with ski set: 29.99

Second Barbie that caught his attention: Barbie on a motorcycle: 34:99

Third Barbie he sees: Divorced Barbie: 249.99

So he go and asks an employee why is the Divorced Barbie so expencive.

The employee replies: That's because this set comes with Ken's car, Ken's motorcycle, Ken's boat and Ken's house.

A man goes to a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie doll for her birthday.

The salesman says, "We have Barbie Goes To the Dance for $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99, and Divorced Barbie at $499.99."

The father asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $499.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well, sir," says the salesman, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's money, Ken's furniture ..."

What do you call a Jihadi sex toy?

A blow-up doll.

My girlfriend and I have our childhood teddy bears that we put into sexual positions. I told her we should try to do things that we make them do.

Today, she came back from the toy store with a bunch of black bears...

I once had a job in quality control at a toy factory.

I had to give Elmo two test tickles.

So my friend, Rick Astley, asked me for some Pixar movies to watch...

I told him, "You can borrow Toy Story 1, 2, and 3, A Bugs Life, Monsters Inc., Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars 1 and 2, Ratatouille, and Wall*E, but I'm never gonna give you UP!"

Lie Detecting Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son again.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."

Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."

The robot slaps the father!

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

I asked Rick Astley to lend me some Pixar movies......

He said you can take Cars, you can take Toy Story but I'm never gonna give you Up.

Degree

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?

The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back

Once there was a boy who really liked tractors...

Tractors were his biggest hobby. He had lots of toy tractors and on weekends he would go and watch the farmers drive their tractors around in the fields.
As he grew older, he still liked tractors, but not as much because he started to find other interests.
When he turned 20 he met a beautiful girl and fell in love. One night he decided to take her out for dinner to a local restaurant. As they were eating, the whole room started to fill up with smoke. Everyone was panicking so he jumped up and said "calm down, I've got this!". He stood on his chair and sucked in all the smoke in the room, then walked outside and blew it all out.
When he returned back into the resturant, his date said to him "oh my god how did you do that?!" To which he replied: "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Give a child a plastic toy and they'll play for a day.

Give a child a plastic bag and they'll play for the rest of their lives.

A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button...

... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.

Why did the Australian fisherman get kicked out of the toy store.

Because he was throwing shrimp on the barbie.

I walked past a toy store with a huge line outside.

I asked what was going on and someone mentioned a complimentary lunch, so I joined in.

Bit dissapointing though, turned out to be a free Barbie queue.

My grandma Edna had to get a job...

...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.

A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and observed as she meticulously folded two marbles into a small piece of cloth. Then, using a needle and thread, she stitched the folded cloth between the legs of a newly assembled Tickle-Me Elmo doll. Then she placed the finished doll into a bin for packaging. The foreman quietly watched with a growing expression of puzzlement on his face as Edna repeated this process several times.

Finally, the Foreman's eyes lit up with understanding. He placed his hand on her shoulder and said "No, Edna. I told you to give each doll two... test... tickles."

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.

Apparently this dude had come in complaining of rectal pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.

The synopsis for Toy Story 4 has leaked.

This time it focuses on Andy's mother's toys, also named Buzz and Woody.

Little Jimmy is sitting on the floor playing with his toy trains

A man walks in and says to little Jimmy,

Jimmy! I am you from the future!

Awesome! Says little Jimmy. What do I become in the future ?

A paedophile... he replied, locking the door.

did you hear what the little boy found when he opened his toy box?

Raggedy Ann setting on Pinocchio's face screaming,"Lie to me, lie to me."

A mother walked in to find her son playing with his privates. "Oh dear..."

"...those toy soldiers were supposed to be a surprise!"

Why couldn't little Johnny get the toy he saw on TV?

His parents weren't 18 or older.

A man takes his daughter to the toy shop to buy a Barbie doll.

There are three Barbie dolls in the shop window. Sports Barbie wearing tight shorts and a halter top lifting weights. Business Barbie wearing an expensive business suit and carrying a briefcase on her way to an important meeting. Divorced Barbie wearing designer clothing and a pearl necklace. Sports Barbie and business Barbie each costs 25 dollars. Divorced Barbie costs 1000 dollars. The man and his daughter enter the toy shop. The man asks a shop assistant 'Why does divorced Barbie costs 1000 dollars, while the other Barbies each costs 25 dollars?' 'Well,' says the shop assistant, 'if you buy divorced Barbie you also get Ken's house, Ken's car and all of Ken's possessions.'

[NSFW] what do isis guys use as a sex toy?

A *blow up* doll

Woody caught Buzz and Bo Peep having toy sex

Woody: "What's the meaning of this???!!"

Bo Peep: "You got a friend in me..."

Divorced Barbie

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's
birthday.

He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?"

"We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles."

Pull over

Guy buys a nice new sports car, decides to go out for a drive and starts to speed up as he wants to see what his new toy can do, sure enough a cop pulls up behind him and turns his lights on, driver laughs and says no way the cop can keep up with me so he floors it and loses the cop, few minutes go by before he comes to his senses and decides to pull over and wait for the cop to show up which he finally does. Cop gets out of the car and says to the driver, I've had a really long week and don't feel like writing another ticket, if you can come up with an excuse I haven't heard before I'll let you go.
Driver pauses for a second, well officer last week my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were trying to give her back.
Have a good day sir.

Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding?

It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.

Dad told me this one

This guy went Christmas shopping for his daughter. She said she wanted a Barbie. Typical right? Well he went to the toy store and went looking for a couple Barbies. He grabbed the Malibu Barbie, Katniss Barbie and the holland Barbie. As he was leaving the isle he saw a divorce Barbie. It had a $299 price tag so he asked the lady why is this one so much more than the rest. And the lady replied, "we'll for starters it comes with kens cars, kens house and kens testicals on a keychain."

Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the Toy Box?

She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, saying "Lie to me!"

Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree wasn't the worst thing that's happened to me today

But it's definitely up there

A Father goes to the toy store to buy a doll for his daughter

"It's my daughter's birthday and I want to buy her a barbie."

the toy salesman replies "well, you came to the right place. We have 'barbie goes to the beach' for 30 dollars, 'barbie super party funhouse' for 20 dollars, 'barbie learns to drive' that comes with a toy car and 'divorced barbie' for 100 dollars.

"why is divorced barbie so expensive" the father ponders aloud.

"because she comes with ken's house, car, and kids

What do toy Batmobiles run on?

Bat-teries

A man forgets his daughters birthday

He realizes that it's her birthday while driving home from work. Frantically he pulls over at the first toy store he sees and runs inside. He runs up to the clerk and says
"I need a present for my daughter, she likes dolls, do you have any?"
"Sure," the clerk says "we have plenty of barbies. We have Ballet Barbie for 19.95, Veteranarian Barbie for 19.95, Lawyer Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 195.95." The man screams,
"WHAT! Why is divorced Barbie so much more expensive?"
"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, house, and half of his money."

I Bought My Wife A Ball Gag For Her Birthday

Wife: Wow! You're so kinky, I can't believe you gave me a sex toy.


Me: Sex toy?

Toy Story 4 Will Be About Sids Moms Toys

Giving a whole new meaning to Buzz and Woody

Something happened at a friend's work

A relative of mine works at a toy distribution center. They specialize in talking dolls. They recently received a Muslim one, but nobody knows what it says because they're all afraid to pull the cord.

What are the funniest toy jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Toy? Well, here are the best Toy puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Toy pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes