Tourist Jokes
143 tourist jokes and hilarious tourist puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about tourist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Grab your hat and passport and get ready for a journey through the funniest tourist jokes! From American tourists in Florida and Maine, to foreign visitors and hikers, these jokes will make you laugh out loud, no matter where you're from. Whether you're looking for a tourist guide or a list of attractions, you're sure to find something funny here. So buckle up and get ready for the best tourist jokes around!
Quick Jump To
- Short Tourist Jokes
- Tourist One Liners
- American Tourist Jokes
- Tourist Attraction Jokes
- More Tourist Jokes
Funniest Tourist Short Jokes
Short tourist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tourist humour may include short tourism jokes also.
- A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad. Border guard: Nationality?
Tourist: Russian.
Border guard: Occupation?
Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time. - A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting. - An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday." - German tourist visits France. Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation". - The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl. It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
- German visits France A german tourist decided to visit France shortly after the war.
The french immigration officer asked the tourist, "Occupation?"
The german replied "Nah, just visiting" - China has announced a tariff on pork imports from the US It's unclear if they are referring to food or tourists at this time.
- A german tourist arrived at Charles de Gaulle The immigration officer greets him, " Bonjour Monsieur, Welcome to paris, Name?"
"Wolfgang Schmidt."
"Occupation?"
"Nein, Tourism." - What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding? A tourist.
- So I rang the tourist office and asked:- 'What's the quickest way from the Holiday Inn to the museum?'
'Are you walking or driving?'
'Driving.'
'Well, that would be the quickest way.'
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Tourist One Liners
Which tourist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tourist? I can suggest the ones about traveler and tour guide.
- What do we call smart people in the US? Tourists.
- What do you call a beautiful girl in Boston? A tourist.
- What do you call a beautiful women in England? A tourist
- What do you call a fat person in Europe? An American tourist
- What do you call a cute girl in Albania? A tourist.
- What do you call the smartest person in the US? A tourist?
- In France, we have Karens too They are called "American tourists".
- What are smart people in America called? Tourist
- What are the smartest people in America called? Tourists.
- What do you call hot women in France? Tourists
- The following is a tourist's review of Tatooine: "I was way too hot, two stars."
- What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist
- A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my precious little dog from drowning.
- What do you call a good looking woman in Germany? a tourist
- A Japanese tourist visits Ohio. He's amazed that it always seems to be morning.
American Tourist Jokes
Here is a list of funny american tourist jokes and even better american tourist puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between an American tourist in Mexico and a spanking? A spanking rattles the buns, and an American tourist in Mexico battles the runs
- After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US has recently unleashed its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date… The American tourist!
- Once upon a time in india a american tourist came to saw tazmahal , he was astonished that indian are daily bathing didn't need a deodorant for hide the body odour, ,,, he is so jealous
- Why do so many American tourists end up in eastern Europe? They get Hungary so they go for Turkey.
- After shopping for the first time overseas in a middle eastern market, the American tourist was quoted saying "How bazaar"
- Two german tourists walk into an american bar One of them says:
"-We would like a martini please!"
The bartender responds:
"-Dry?"
"-Nein, zwei" - How can you tell American tourists and Canadian tourists apart? Canadian tourists have a small Canadian flag on their backpacks, but Americans have a big Canadian flag on theirs.
- An american tourist was robbed in China, he went to police station to report robbery, the officer asked can you identify the robber He said ''i can't tell for sure but he's someone in this room''.
- American policemen beaten Chinese tourist after asking him for his name... "I lost faith in humanity", said Fak Yu from the hospital.
- What does the Indian local say to the American tourists when kidnappers are on the scene? Hyderabad.
Tourist Attraction Jokes
Here is a list of funny tourist attraction jokes and even better tourist attraction puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A tourist asks a Scottish villager "Do you have a local attraction?"
"We used to- he answers- but she got married." - I was recently in Belfast and saw a tourist attraction called "The Titanic Experience". It's great. When you walk in the door they slam you in the face with a big chunk of ice.
- What do you call an attractive girl in Poland A tourist.
Or swap in Poland for wherever, spread the love. - Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the turbines of Hoover Dam.
Since then, the Colorado River is a tourist attraction. - What's a ghost's favorite tourist attraction? The BOO-seum.
( - A tourist asked me for some local attractions. So I told him that my next door neighbours are rather s**....
Unearthly Funniest Tourist Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about tourist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean visitor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tourist pranks.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
A tourist while passing a little shop noticed the name inscribed as A. Swindler- Proprietor upon its glass window.
Curious about the rather amusing name, the tourist went inside the store and asked the shopkeeper would it not be better to use the latter's first name instead of his initial.
The shopkeeper shook his head and said "My name is Adam".
Joke about how dangerous China is
An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.
Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"
"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.
"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.
A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...
...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology.
He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in.
"Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"
an elderly woman's dog jumps off a retaining wall
a German tourist passes by and see the elderly woman and decides to jump in after the the dog. He swims the dog back to shore and the woman comes up to him and asks him if hes a vet and the tourist replys "Vet? im vucking soaked".
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:
Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"
Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."
Free ride
Tourist to Taxi driver: "How much is it to the airport?"
Taxi driver: "That's five pounds twenty."
Tourist: "And how much is it for the luggage?"
Taxi driver: "The luggage, of course, is free."
Tourist: "All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking."
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."
"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."
"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.
"Whose skull is that?"
"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"
Australians
An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"
The new store...
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'
Old tourist joke
German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting."
So a tourist walks into an English pub...
A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says:
"Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?"
They get outraged and snap back:
"It's Wales, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
What do you call a h**... in Boston?
A tourist
In Vermont an old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his porch, quietly smoking a pipe.
A tourist who is staying at a nearby B&B passes by every day for a week, and whenever he passes, the man is just sitting there in his rocking chair quietly smoking his pipe.
One day the tourist cannot refrain from asking the old man: "Say, have you been sitting here all your life, doing nothing but smoking your pipe?"
Says the old man: "Not yet!"
A tourist is cycling in the Dutch countryside...
...when a passing car slows down beside him. The driver rolls down the window and asks You're awfully fast – are you heading to Sexbierum?
The cyclist replies Just the beer and the r**.... I'm married.
What do a Chinese tourist who got run over by a bus and a lobster have in common?
They're both crushed-asians
A tourist in Chinatown sees a sign advertising "Hans Olafsen's Laundry"
He goes inside to check it out, and there's an old Asian man in the corner.
"How did this place get named 'Hans Olafsen's Laundry'?" he asks.
"It's named after me, Hans Olafsen." said the man.
"That's an unusual name for a Chinese man" observed the tourist.
"When I was in the immigration center, I followed a man named Hans Olafsen. When they asked my name, I told them 'Sam Ting'".
An US tourist visiting the USSR fell down the open manhole...
After he was helped out, he started complaining: why on earth such as danger was not marked properly? In the USA there would be red lanterns or at least some red flags. "How did you arrive in Moscow?" asked one of the Russians who helped him out. "Well, via Sheremetyevo airport". "Haven't you noticed the huge red flag on its main building?"
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"
A tourist in Amsterdam sees a p**... in a window
He taps on the glass and says "How much?"
"Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds.
"Wow! I never realized it was so expensive"
"Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"
Islamic joke I saw somewhere
A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.
A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.
The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.
That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.
Finnish reindeer
An American tourist arrived at a reindeer farm in Finnish Lapland. He asked the farm owner "I've heard that the reindeer and human vaginas are identical. Is this true?" The farm owner looked at the tourist for a while and answered: "You have to ask my neighbor. He is the only man in the village who has had s**... with a woman."
Pricey set of teeth
A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a gift shop during her honeymoon in India.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Crocodile teeth" the salesman beamed.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that crocodile teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us"
"Of course not!" he objected.
"Anybody can open an oyster"
A tourist is walking along the riverbank in Paris
when a Frenchman runs and pushes him in.
Spluttering and angry, the tourist shouts "Are you crazy?"
To which the Frenchmen replies laughing "No, but you're in Seine"
A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with.
I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand
Throwing Watches
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it c**... before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
White house
What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.
A German Tourist is on holiday and needed to buy some deoderant.
So he walks into a chemist and says "I vould like to buy ze deoderant."
Chemist says: "Ball or aerosol?"
Tourist: "No, I vant it for my armpits!"
Yo mama is like a tourist bus
Hop on, hop off
Tourist: what's the weather like on top of the mountain?
Local: I don't know man, climate.
What did the Spanish tourist say when he saw a p**... after arriving in Pakistan?
Lahore
A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...
...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.
"Holy water from the shrine of the v**... Mary" replied the man.
The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"
"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"
A man is standing on a bridge over a dangerous river,
constantly saying "63, 63, 63..." over and over. Suddenly a tourist comes by and asks why is he just standing there repeating that number. The man didn't answer, instead he just pushes the tourist off the bridge into the river and says: "64, 64, 64..."
Cr
What do you call a tourist visiting the Eiffel Tower?
PariSites.
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
A tourist group
A tourist group is lead over a mountain path.
One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide:
"You really could have put a handrail on the side"
The guide answers:
"There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"
Did you hear about the tourist who got lost in China?
I dunno man, he just got disoriented
A trip down under.
A British tourist arrived at an airport in Australia. He went to speak with the customs guy sitting behind the desk.
Customs: Passport?
Tourist: Here you go.
Customs: Thank you. Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offense?
Tourist: No, I didn't think that was a requirement.
Western tourist in North Korea
So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument.
"Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said
his tour guide nodded— "yes, we must be very proud."
A tourist is travelling down the Rhine
He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"
A tourist walks near Amazon river on a very hot day.
It's really hot and he wants to swim in the cool water. He asks a local:
-Are there any crocodiles in the river?
The local guy:
-No, there are no crocodiles...
The tourist jumps into the water.
The local:
-...because piranhas ate all of them!
A joke for Halloween
A group of tourist is visiting the remnants of an ancient castle. One lady sais to their guide:
-I'm afraid. I think there might be ghosts here!
-Don't worry. I'm living here for 300 years but I've never seen any ghosts.
How come there are zero Italian tourist travelling by car?
Because all roads lead to Rome.
An American walks into an Irish pub
An Irishman yells, "Oi, y**...! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"
"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.
"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"
Carry A Flashlight
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
Don't ask me!
A tourist visiting Seattle is sick of rain and asks a boy - Does it ever stop raining here?
Boy - How do I know? I am only eight.
Haunted castle
A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."
A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport.
The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:
"Have you ever been sentenced?"
"Wait, is this still a requirement?"
What do you call an empty bus in Ukraine?
A tourist bus.
A tourist in New York wants to visit Carnegie Hall, so he's walking down the street trying to find it.
He sees a musician carrying a violin case going the opposite way. He stops him and asks: "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?"
Without missing a beat, the musician replies, "Practice, practice, practice."
A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...
when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?
The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."
A British tourist goes to Australia..
Border agent: do you have any criminal convictions?
Tourist: I didn't know they were still a requirement.
A German tourist visiting the US went into a bar and asked for a martini
Dry? asked the bartender. The German replied, Nein, just one.
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one t**..., Quatre, Six, Se--"
Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"
Frenchman: "It Cinq"
The Tourist
An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."
A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.
Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.
The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.
Officer: What is your age?
Tourist: 31 years old.
Officer: Occupation?
Tourist: No, just visiting.
The Egyptian police arrived to arrest a tourist for trespassing.
The police said, "Sir, you're in the Nile river. Come out now."
The man shouted, "I'm not in the Nile, you are!"
An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader
"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.
The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."
Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"
The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"
The trader replies, "Tis the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra when she was a little girl!"
A german tourist goes to Poland
In the border, the guard asks him some questions.
Guard: Name?
German: Hans Guttenmark
Guard: Age?
German: 29
Guard: Occupation?
German: * smiles * No, just visiting.
Where are we?
Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.
He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.
"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."
"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."
"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."
Two tourists get lost in a pyramid
As they are wandering about, a man in a suit approaches them.
"Are you lost, gentlemen?" he says. "Would you like to buy a map? Perhaps you can buy more of them so you can sell it to other people."
"Don't trust him," says one tourist to the other, "it's a pyramid scheme."
