Tourist Guide Jokes
15 tourist guide jokes and hilarious tourist guide puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tourist guide that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Tourist Guide Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good tourist guide joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.
As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!
A group of tourists in Africa where enjoying a guided tour….
A group of tourists in Africa were enjoying a tour of the bush observing the wild life. The guide says to everyone , Don't be surprised if you see an elephant wearing sunglasses.
One of the tourists asks-
why would an elephant be wearing sunglasses?
The guide replies- "Well, they do this to so they can go unnoticed at the beach."
The tourist then said- That's ridiculous!! My hotel is right on the beach and I've never seen an elephant."
The guide replies-
"I guess it works."
A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.
-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''
One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?
-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.
-Nevermind, just wanted to know which one of you is our KGB senior for this trip.
Joke about how dangerous China is
An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
Haunted castle
A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."
A tourist group
A tourist group is lead over a mountain path.
One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide:
"You really could have put a handrail on the side"
The guide answers:
"There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"
Carry A Flashlight
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.
The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.
"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"
The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been here for 300 years and I've never seen any paranormal activity."
Western tourist in North Korea
So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument.
"Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said
his tour guide nodded— "yes, we must be very proud."
A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman they must have the same landlord I do."
A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.
"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."
"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."
"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."
A tourist in Madrid
A tourist hires a guide to show him around Madrid. He tells the guide, "If you don't mind, I'm trying to learn Spanish, so if I say something wrong, please correct me." The guide agrees, and they set off walking.
A fly happens to buzz by, and the tourist says, "Look at the *mosco*!" The guide corrects him, "No, señor, the word you want is *mosca*, a feminine noun."
The tourist watches the fly carefully for a few moments. Then he turns back to the guide and says, "You must have fantastic eyesight!"
A joke for Halloween
A group of tourist is visiting the remnants of an ancient castle. One lady sais to their guide:
-I'm afraid. I think there might be ghosts here!
-Don't worry. I'm living here for 300 years but I've never seen any ghosts.
A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour.
The tour guide announces: "On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls."
The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are lost.
The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the right side of the plane.
Some people were taking a tour of a rubber factory
On the tour they stop by where the factory made baby bottles caps. Everyone could hear the machine working: "Shh, pop, shh, pop, shh, pop". One of the tourists asked the guide what the noises were.
"well you see, the shhing sound is the rubber filling the moulds and the popping is the machine poking a hole where the liquid will come out"
Everyone thought that made sense and moved along the tour. Later on, the group came to where the factory made condoms. This time they heard, "Shh, shh, pop, shh, shh, pop". And again someone asked what the noises were.
The tour guide answers, "well its the same noises as the baby bottle caps. The shhing is the filling of the c**... mould and the popping is the machine poking a hole in every other c**..."
One man interjects, "well that can't be too good for the c**... business!"
The tour guide then replies, "yea but it's great for the baby bottle cap business!"
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