Touring Jokes

What are some Touring jokes?

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

Magic sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

So a man was on vacation in the holy land

A man and his wife where off on a lovely vacation in the holy land touring biblical sites when a few days before they where supposed to leave his wife dropped dead of a heart attack. So the man was approached by the mortician who told him he could fly her back to the states for a few thousand dollars and have the funeral there or he could stay and have a beautiful funeral in the holy land for a couple hundred.

"Let's fly her back" The man said.

"But why?" asked the mortician, "We would hold a grand funeral for her, it would be magnificent!"

"Well," said the man, "A long time ago a guy was buried here and rose from the dead after a few days."

"So?" asked the mortician

"I don't wanna take any chances."

Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

A Texan in Scotland

A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.

Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol' Cadillac, start 'er on up, put my boot flat down on the gas, and when the sun goes down, I still ain't reached my front gates.

The Scotsman takes a big swing of his stout, and says,

Ach, aye. I had a car like that once, too!

A man and his wife are touring Egypt.

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies, "I was trying to think of a way to bring 100 camels back home!"

can someone explain this ancient Roman joke

Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' 'No, your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'

Barak Obama was touring the countryside...

... in his chauffeur-driven limo.

Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Obama.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter took me upstairs and made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Obama.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them,
I'm Barack Obama's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass.

Ludwig van Beethoven

A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards. He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Symphony being played backwards. They hurried to call an expert who hurried to them to hear the Fifth Symphony playing backwards. All the more weird was the fact that symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. When the caretaker of the graveyard heard this, the only comment he made was, "What's the wonder! He's just decomposing!"

A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.

The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.



"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"



The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been here for 300 years and I've never seen any paranormal activity."

At The Zoo

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?"

The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."

Father Joseph, a missionary, was touring the African village in which he lived, when suddenly a man came up to him.

"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!"

Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are normally white and that one was born black! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."

"Oh, I understand, Father Joseph," the black man said. "I stop talking about the white child, and you stop talking about the black goat, OK?"

Man overboard!

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.

"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"

"Officer or enlisted Sir?" was the instant reply.

"Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?"

"Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."

"Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?"

The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, "Which one?"

Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.

A Texan is touring around Ireland...

When he sees a man digging in the ground. He shouts over to him:"What are ya digging for?". The Irishman looks up, shows him what he has in his hand and says potatoes.

"You call that a potato! Why, back in Texas we have potatoes six times bigger!"

"Ah" says the Irishman "you see here we only grow them the size of our mouth."

Mark Zuckerberg has been failing a lot recently: the Russian interference, the privacy leaks,

the touring test...

José goes to his first baseball game..

José is from Mexico and is touring America. He had just come home from his first baseball game.

Friend: So, José, how was your first baseball game?

José: Oh, it was wonderful! Right before the game, they sang to me!

The bands Jet and Government Mule are on tour for the USO...

Since they are touring together, they are advertised on the signs as Jet-Mule. They are preparing to perform a charity concert. At the concert, the event organizers plan to welcome the former members of Seal Team Six onto the stage. Right before the concert is planned to start, an intern runs to the director of the event and says "Sir! Sir! Someone has beat up the Seals. They're seriously hurt! They're covered in bruises! They're covered in welts!" The director says "Do we know who did this?" The intern replies "A witness said it was the band who hurt them." The director says "Well, that's impossible." "How do you know?" asked the intern.

"Because," he said, "Jet-Mule can't welt Seal teams."

The Memory Man

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.

"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."

So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".

"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.

"Who did they beat?"

"Leeds" was the instant reply.

"And the score?"

"2-1."

"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St. John" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.

The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.

The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting "How".

The Memory man looked up and said, "Diving header in the six yard box".

How to make Touring jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Touring to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Touring? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Touring pick up lines to share with friends.

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