Touring Jokes
38 touring jokes and hilarious touring puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about touring that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Join in the fun as we explore the world of touring jokes. Discover the hilarious tales of those with a rented touring caravan in Spain, the ambitious benefactor for foreign tourists, and more. laughter is guaranteed!
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Funniest Touring Short Jokes
Short touring jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The touring humour may include short tourism jokes also.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught. It's called the Tour de France.
- As I get older I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way... Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
- They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German. Well, she did try to take down a whole race...
- As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice
- Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
- As i get older, i remember all the people i lost along the way Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the right choice
- I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places. It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours
- The other day, I was on a submarine tour. I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.
Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.
"Err, this isn't the right sub."
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Touring One Liners
Which touring one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with touring? I can suggest the ones about road trip and camping.
- Who won the first Tour De France? The 2nd Panzer Division.
- "Ladies and Gents" That concludes our tour of the toilets
- What do they do with the bikes at the end of the Tour de France? They recycle them.
- Who won the Tour de France in 1940? The Sixth German Panzer Division.
- How do dumplings like to travel? By “won-tours” around the world!
- Chris Brown is going on tour this year! He'll be sponsored by Black & Decker.
- What do you call 1 black guy being stalked by 200 white guys? PGA Tour.
- Who won the original Tour De France? The 7th Panzer division
- Do you know who won the first 'Tour de France'? The 5th Panzer Division
- Who won the first Tour de France? The 3rd German Tank Division.
- Why did James Brown always tour in Asia? He loved the Seoul train.
- If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology... I'll give you a mini-tour
- What is a noodle's favorite bicycle race? The Tour de Lini
- Who won the Tour de France on May 10th, 1940? The 7th Panzerdivision
- What do you call a priest who is touring Area 51? Alien versus predator
Quirky and Hilarious Touring Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about touring you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trip jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make touring pranks.
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
A blonde was touring a farm...
...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"
"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
A 'your mom' joke, from around year zero, ancient Rome:
"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.
"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'
"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"
(I recently found my purpose in life and now I need to learn all about comedy, I thought I should start with history, this joke was unearthed by a group of historians from the UK, thought I'd share it here).
Scottish man at the ranch
A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".
A man and his wife are touring Egypt.
While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies, "I was trying to think of a way to bring 100 camels back home!"
can someone explain this ancient Roman joke
Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' 'No, your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'
A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.
The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.
"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"
The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been here for 300 years and I've never seen any paranormal activity."
An ancient "your mom" joke, from Ancient Rome, between 63 BC to 14 AD .
"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.
"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'
"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"
Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it.
Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.
When Daft Punk started wearing robot masks, their manager sent them out on the road to see if people at gigs could tell who they were.
It was called The Touring Test.
Mark Zuckerberg has been failing a lot recently: the Russian interference, the privacy leaks,
the touring test...
This morning, 50 Cent announced he's filing for bankruptcy.
He also announced he'll be touring with Nickelback to recoup 10% of his losses.
A Texan is touring around Ireland...
When he sees a man digging in the ground. He shouts over to him:"What are ya digging for?". The Irishman looks up, shows him what he has in his hand and says potatoes.
"You call that a potato! Why, back in Texas we have potatoes six times bigger!"
"Ah" says the Irishman "you see here we only grow them the size of our mouth."
Engineers are using tracking to try to distinguish an autonomous vehicle on a cross country road trip from a human-driven car.
They call it the Touring Test.
José goes to his first baseball game..
José is from Mexico and is touring America. He had just come home from his first baseball game.
Friend: So, José, how was your first baseball game?
José: Oh, it was wonderful! Right before the game, they sang to me!
A bass player found a genie
A bass player found a genie, rubbed it and said I want to be the best bass player in all of America
the genie responded your wish is my command and he spent the next few years touring with some of the biggest bands in the country
He eventually got bored of just staying in America so he found the genie again and said I want to be the best bass player in the world
The genie responded your wish is my command and he was suddenly on a world wide tour.
He eventually got bored and found the genie one more time and said I want to be better than any bass player has ever been
Suddenly he was on tour as the rhythm guitarist of a middle school cover band
A Texan in Scotland
A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.
Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol' Cadillac, start 'er on up, put my boot flat down on the gas, and when the sun goes down, I still ain't reached my front gates.
The Scotsman takes a big swing of his stout, and says,
Ach, aye. I had a car like that once, too!
Ludwig van Beethoven
A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards. He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Symphony being played backwards. They hurried to call an expert who hurried to them to hear the Fifth Symphony playing backwards. All the more weird was the fact that symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. When the caretaker of the graveyard heard this, the only comment he made was, "What's the wonder! He's just decomposing!"
Father Joseph, a m**..., was touring the African village in which he lived, when suddenly a man came up to him.
"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!"
Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are normally white and that one was born black! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."
"Oh, I understand, Father Joseph," the black man said. "I stop talking about the white child, and you stop talking about the black goat, OK?"
The bands Jet and Government Mule are on tour for the USO...
Since they are touring together, they are advertised on the signs as Jet-Mule. They are preparing to perform a charity concert. At the concert, the event organizers plan to welcome the former members of Seal Team Six onto the stage. Right before the concert is planned to start, an intern runs to the director of the event and says "Sir! Sir! Someone has beat up the Seals. They're seriously hurt! They're covered in bruises! They're covered in welts!" The director says "Do we know who did this?" The intern replies "A witness said it was the band who hurt them." The director says "Well, that's impossible." "How do you know?" asked the intern.
"Because," he said, "Jet-Mule can't welt Seal teams."
Man overboard!
An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a s**..., and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.
"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"
"Officer or enlisted Sir?" was the instant reply.
"Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?"
"Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."
"Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?"
The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, "Which one?"
At The Zoo
One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."
To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.
Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?"
The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.
He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."
