The Best 60 Tour Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Tour jokes. There are some tour excursion jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these tour tour de france puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Tour Jokes and Puns

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"

"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."

"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"

"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."

"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"

"Twenty-five".

Joke about how dangerous China is

An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"

The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"

French Jokes

Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.

Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.

How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.

jokes about tour

A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.

Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"

"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.

"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.

In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.

A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...

...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology.

He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in.

"Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"

Tour guide

A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep.

When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?"

Another guy from the tour says "sure, I will" and sticks his head in the fence.

Tour joke, Tour guide

What do you call 1 black guy being stalked by 200 white guys?

PGA Tour.

Blonde vs. Space

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were taking a tour inside of NASA space center. The tour-guide asked them "What planet or other object in our universe would you go to?"

The red head said. "I'd go to Saturn!"

The brunette said, "I'd go to the Moon!"

The blonde said "I'd go to the Sun!"

The tour-guide looked at the blonde. "But if you go the Sun, you'll burn up and die."

The blonde rolled her eyes and replied calmly. "What, do you think I'm stupid? I'd go at night!"

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...

... he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Who won the Tour de France in 1940?

The Sixth German Panzer Division.

You can explore tour outskirts reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tour pilgrimage dad jokes. There are also tour puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.

St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

A tour guide at Giza was explaining how the Pyramids were 10,002 years old.

Someone in the crowd asked, "That's oddly specific, are you sure of that date."

"Well, yes, quite sure, I was told they were 10,000 years old when I started working here 2 years ago."

A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

So a tourist walks into an English pub...

A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says:

"Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?"

They get outraged and snap back:
"It's Wales, you idiot!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."

Tour joke, Tour guide in the mountain

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...

As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.

"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.

"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"

I met a local girl when I was in Shanghai, I asked her if she could escort me

for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her.
She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, My friend interpreted for me & told me what she really said : 666136429.

Came up with this joke this morning in the shower.

I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.

I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but...

I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong.

A mexican kid tells D. Trump:

I want to be President!
Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded?
Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

"Ladies and Gents"

That concludes our tour of the toilets

What's Pakistan's tourism tagline?

"Have a blast, it might be your last"

Who won the first Tour De France?

The 2nd Panzer Division.

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.

Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?

Tour guide: No, I don't know.

Physicist: Mass over volume.

I'll see myself out.

Tour joke, A physicist was in Las Vegas

If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam.

It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

A tourist is travelling down the Rhine

He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"

What do they do with the bikes at the end of the Tour de France?

They recycle them.

Chris Brown is going on tour this year!

He'll be sponsored by Black & Decker.

I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."

There is no ghost

While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
And how long have you worked here? asked the woman.
Three hundred years.

As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I've lost along the way

Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea after all

The other day, I was on a submarine tour.

I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.

Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.

"Err, this isn't the right sub."

As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I begin to think to myself..

Maybe a career as a tour guide really wasn't for me.

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way...

Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

As i get older, i remember all the people i lost along the way

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the right choice

As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way

Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me

A group of tourists in Africa where enjoying a guided tour….

A group of tourists in Africa were enjoying a tour of the bush observing the wild life. The guide says to everyone , Don't be surprised if you see an elephant wearing sunglasses.

One of the tourists asks-
why would an elephant be wearing sunglasses?

The guide replies- "Well, they do this to so they can go unnoticed at the beach."

The tourist then said- That's ridiculous!! My hotel is right on the beach and I've never seen an elephant."

The guide replies-


"I guess it works."

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''

One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?

-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.

-Nevermind, just wanted to know which one of you is our KGB senior for this trip.

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

​

Ten years later the tourist finds himself in the Chief's neck of the woods and decides to pay him a visit.

He enters the Chief's home and respectfully greets him, saying "Hau, Chief."

The Chief promptly replies, "Scrambled."

A museum tour guide told his visitor group that their T-Rex skeleton was 65,000,023 years old.

When one of the visitors asked how they knew the skeleton's age so precisely, he replied that it was 65 million years old when he started working there 23 years ago.

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old. And I started here fourteen years and three months ago."

I was the first person to install trampolines on musician's tour buses.

Now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
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A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

Why did a flock of seagulls never tour in iran?

Cause, Iran's so far away!

A man walks into a museum

He sees a dinosaur skeleton and asks the tour guide How old is that skeleton?

The tour guide says 65 million and 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.

Wow says the man, How do you get such a specific measurement?

The tour guide replies Well it was 65 million years old when I started working here. I've been here for 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.

Who won the Tour de France on May 10th, 1940?

The 7th Panzerdivision

Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ...

St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden.


-Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign.

Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside.

-What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to nations all around the world, surely I deserve a bigger halo than her!!


-Your Majesty, that is a steering wheel...

Did you hear that AWOLNATION is going on tour?

Yeah, they're suddenly really popular in Russia.

A tourist walks into a bar

A tourist walks into a bar and asks for information. "What state is Lake Michigan in?" he asks the bartender. "Liquid." the bartender replies.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire labyrinth in just 60 seconds," the bartender reassures him. "It's a minute tour."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the tour giuseppe puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working tour journey piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes