Tour Jokes
149 tour jokes and hilarious tour puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tour that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article features a collection of jokes and humorous anecdotes surrounding the whirlwind tour of Harry Styles, a rock star and benefactor of the outskirts. Enjoy a good laugh and check out this entertaining list of tour jokes!
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Funniest Tour Short Jokes
Short tour jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tour humour may include short trip jokes also.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught. It's called the Tour de France.
- They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German. Well, she did try to take down a whole race...
- Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
- I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places. It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours
- The other day, I was on a submarine tour. I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.
Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.
"Err, this isn't the right sub." - I recently came into a HUGE amount of money. Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.
- If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam. It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.
- I was the first person to install trampoline on musician's tour buses. Now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
- I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but... I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong.
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Tour One Liners
Which tour one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tour? I can suggest the ones about travel and riot.
- Who won the first Tour De France? The 2nd Panzer Division.
- "Ladies and Gents" That concludes our tour of the toilets
- What do they do with the bikes at the end of the Tour de France? They recycle them.
- Who won the Tour de France in 1940? The Sixth German Panzer Division.
- How do dumplings like to travel? By “won-tours” around the world!
- Chris Brown is going on tour this year! He'll be sponsored by Black & Decker.
- Who won the first Tour de France? The 3rd German Tank Division.
- Why did James Brown always tour in Asia? He loved the Seoul train.
- If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology... I'll give you a mini-tour
- What is a noodle's favorite bicycle race? The Tour de Lini
- What do you call a priest who is touring Area 51? Alien versus predator
- I went for a tour of a mine the other day I was in total ore
- Batman was my tour guide in Antarctica. What can we even find around here?
Justice. - I took my girlfriend to tour NASA this weekend! She said she needed some space.
- post malone has cancelled his tour :( does that make him postpone malone?
Tour Guide Jokes
Here is a list of funny tour guide jokes and even better tour guide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I once went on a school trip to a coffee factory. We were having a guided tour around the production line but sadly one of my friends fell into the coffee grinder and died.
Luckily it was instant. - I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide. To which I responded Safaris pretty good.
- Our tour guide wanted to bring our attention to the sand stone to our right He didn't want us to take it for granite
- Disappear. A Jamaican tour guide standing by a quay.
- Donald Trump is threatening to destroy my family business. I don't know how to tell my kids. How is a wetlands tour guide supposed to put food on his table now?
- Why did the Louvre tour guide work for pennies? Because this docent makes any cents.
- I have four kids, so I finally shut down the factory I still give tours though. They're self-guided tours, but hey, nobody's complaining.
- I got sacked as a tour guide in Vatican City. As I was talking about the pope, we turned a corner and I said, "Ah, speak of the devil".
- I went to a brewery tour and the tour guide asked what horrible thing happened in the early 1900s Apparently women's suffrage wasn't the right answer.
- How do you make a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone, no dressing permitted.
(Credit goes to the tour guide on the Maid of the Mist ~1996)
Tour De France Jokes
Here is a list of funny tour de france jokes and even better tour de france puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Amsterdam is like a tour de France - it's full of people on bikes and drugs.
--
Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam - Who won the first Tour de France? I don't know his name, but I know he was in a German tank.
- A nuclear physicist is convinced he can win the Tour de France He says biking is just a chain reaction.
- What impresses me the most about Tour de France athletes is that they can go for five hours without looking at their cellphones.
- Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong.
He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!
When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle. - How long did the first Tour de France last? 3 months. The 3rd Panzerdivision.
- Always been a race fan Boy, they're really pulling out all the stops at the Tour de France nowadays.
- I only like one race. Tour de France, cause I'm a cyclist.
- Who won the 1940 Tour De France? Erwin Rommel
- I wonder if the lawyer of Mr. Armstrong, the ex-Tour de France winner, ever worked for a big corporation or if he was strictly a Free Lancer.
Pga Tour Jokes
Here is a list of funny pga tour jokes and even better pga tour puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do u call 1 black guy being stalked quietly by two hundred white guys? PGA Tour
- What do you call 143 white guys chasing after one black guy? PGA Tour
- What do you call 200 white men chasing a black man? The PGA Tour.
Comical Tour Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about tour you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tour pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
A tourist while passing a little shop noticed the name inscribed as A. Swindler- Proprietor upon its glass window.
Curious about the rather amusing name, the tourist went inside the store and asked the shopkeeper would it not be better to use the latter's first name instead of his initial.
The shopkeeper shook his head and said "My name is Adam".
Joke about how dangerous China is
An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
French Jokes
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.
A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.
Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"
"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.
"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.
A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...
...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology.
He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in.
"Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"
Tour guide
A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep.
When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?"
Another guy from the tour says "sure, I will" and sticks his head in the fence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call 1 black guy being stalked by 200 white guys?
PGA Tour.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...
... he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.
It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.
A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.
St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.
The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.
St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."
A tour guide at Giza was explaining how the Pyramids were 10,002 years old.
Someone in the crowd asked, "That's oddly specific, are you sure of that date."
"Well, yes, quite sure, I was told they were 10,000 years old when I started working here 2 years ago."
Madonna is talking with the Spice Girls
Says she wants to sponsor a reunion tour so long as she can join them. The girls agree to condition. They call her Old Spice.
I went on a tour of a soap factory last week.
I forgot which one it was, but I'm sure it will Dawn on me.
A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...
it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.
The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"
A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"
I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia...
[Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union]
Have you tried Stalin bacon before?
*I'm not sure.. I don't think so...*
Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.
The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...
And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...
For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,
For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,
And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."
Du Hast
German heavy metal band Rammstein travels to Poland for the next stop on their international tour. As the airport official goes through their passports and checks them in, she asks, "Occupation?"
The singer replies, "No, no. Were just here to perform a show. We'll be gone by tomorrow morning."
A tourist in Chinatown sees a sign advertising "Hans Olafsen's Laundry"
He goes inside to check it out, and there's an old Asian man in the corner.
"How did this place get named 'Hans Olafsen's Laundry'?" he asks.
"It's named after me, Hans Olafsen." said the man.
"That's an unusual name for a Chinese man" observed the tourist.
"When I was in the immigration center, I followed a man named Hans Olafsen. When they asked my name, I told them 'Sam Ting'".
U2 just announced a world tour.
Are they going tosell tickets, or just break into my living room and start playing?
An US tourist visiting the USSR fell down the open manhole...
After he was helped out, he started complaining: why on earth such as danger was not marked properly? In the USA there would be red lanterns or at least some red flags. "How did you arrive in Moscow?" asked one of the Russians who helped him out. "Well, via Sheremetyevo airport". "Haven't you noticed the huge red flag on its main building?"
Tour guide in the mountain
A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brit joke about Americans...
An American takes a sightseeing tour around London. While watching around he smiles and tells the guide:
"Listen pal, why is everything so small here? Look at this building for example. In America it would be 10 times as big..."
"I completely agree, sir! That's the madhouse."
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...
As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tourist in Amsterdam sees a p**... in a window
He taps on the glass and says "How much?"
"Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds.
"Wow! I never realized it was so expensive"
"Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"
Jokes told by my tour guide while rafting.
* Why doesn't anyone tell knock knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
* What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
* What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
* What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
A steak.
A Texas man is on vacation in Europe..
As he walks along with a tour guide, they come across some graffiti where someone has spray painted 'Yankee go home!"
The tour guide flustered and a bit embarrassed, said 'sorry you had to see that'
The Texan said 'don't worry, where I'm from we don't like them either'
A tourist is walking along the riverbank in Paris
when a Frenchman runs and pushes him in.
Spluttering and angry, the tourist shouts "Are you crazy?"
To which the Frenchmen replies laughing "No, but you're in Seine"
A man dies and goes to heaven
St. Peter gives him a tour and asks him 'Well, what do you think?' The man says, 'Its terrific, everything I dreamed it would be. But who were those people sitting by themselves looking so unhappy?' 'Oh, those are the fundamentalists, they can't believe that they aren't the only ones here.'
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike
What's Pakistan's tourism tagline?
"Have a blast, it might be your last"
How is the tourism industry doing in Baghdad?
Boomin'.
Tourist: what's the weather like on top of the mountain?
Local: I don't know man, climate.
A physicist was in Las Vegas
Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.
I went on an "Authentic World War One Tour" the other day
Three quarters of our party died, we didn't go anywhere and it rained the whole time.
10/10
A tourist group
A tourist group is lead over a mountain path.
One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide:
"You really could have put a handrail on the side"
The guide answers:
"There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"
A hammer is introduced to the members of a new toolbox,
The Hammer sees his old friend and the Wrench giving the tour says:
You know the drill but do you know the screwdriver?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked the owner of a b**... parlor if I can have a tour of the place...
...He said he was t**... at the moment. He had to show the new girl the ropes.
Western tourist in North Korea
So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument.
"Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said
his tour guide nodded— "yes, we must be very proud."
A tourist is travelling down the Rhine
He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Took my GF and her friends on a tour on Africa. They hated every country we visited, except for one.
Turns out girls only like Chad.
Don't ask me!
A tourist visiting Seattle is sick of rain and asks a boy - Does it ever stop raining here?
Boy - How do I know? I am only eight.
Haunted castle
A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."
Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...
He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"
The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".
Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"
...
...
"It's horrible."
"Agree."
A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.
One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".
What did Bruce Dickinson reply when he was asked to play in a tour?
Can I play with Madness?
A tourist in New York wants to visit Carnegie Hall, so he's walking down the street trying to find it.
He sees a musician carrying a violin case going the opposite way. He stops him and asks: "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?"
Without missing a beat, the musician replies, "Practice, practice, practice."
I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.
I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.
A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...
when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?
The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."
A cop lights me up for speeding
Im driving down the road and a cop lights me up
So I took off and made him chase me awhile..
Finally I give up and pull over.
The cop walks up and says, "Look, its the end of my tour, Im tired,
I dont feel like doing paperwork, If you give me a good excuse, Ill let ya go"
So I say "Last week my girl left me and ran off with a cop,
I thought you were trying to bring her back"
There is no ghost
While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
And how long have you worked here? asked the woman.
Three hundred years.
The Tourist
An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."
40 blondes decided to tour London in a double Decker bus
The ones up on the top were terrified while the ones on the bottom were singing and partying. Finally the tour guide went up to the top to ask why they weren't happy like the others. One of the blondes said, "that's easy for you to say, you have a driver!"
Vermont farmer
A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"
Dope, or no dope, Lance Armstrong was still a great athlete.
Winning the tour is no easy feat. Even with the drugs, he worked his ball off to go to where he is today!
A man is on a tour of the Yankee Candle Factory
A man was taking a tour of the Yankee Candle factory when he suddenly saw an incredibly large machine and had no idea what it was. he asked the employee giving the tour what it was, and the employee replied, Oh! That's our patented Yankee Candle Maker 5000™️! The man seemed content and said to himself, Oh, that makes scents.
A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.
"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."
"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."
"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."
Two tourists get lost in a pyramid
As they are wandering about, a man in a suit approaches them.
"Are you lost, gentlemen?" he says. "Would you like to buy a map? Perhaps you can buy more of them so you can sell it to other people."
"Don't trust him," says one tourist to the other, "it's a pyramid scheme."
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.
"What is it made of?" she asked."Alligator's teeth," the man replied."I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.""Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.
As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!
Coronavirus really changed my Tour of Italy...
... the waitress at Olive Garden had to bring it out to my car.
An American, a Chinese and an Indian went on a world tour by Air.
The American proudly declared "we have reached my homeland USA" pointing at the Statue of Liberty.
After some hours, the Chinese pointed at the Great Wall of China and exclaimed "friends, we have reached China".
More hours went by and all eyes were on the Indian. He calmly opened the window and put his hand outside. When he pulled his arm back, his wristwatch was gone. Unconcerned, he announced "Guys, welcome to India."
