Tough Jokes
127 tough jokes and hilarious tough puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tough that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tough jokes are the roughest and most grueling comedy out there. Get ready to laugh your so tough you're Ford Tough with these tough guy jokes! With the gril of these tough jokes, you'll be sure to bring on the pain.
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Funniest Tough Short Jokes
Short tough jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tough humour may include short difficult jokes also.
- Police have arrested the world tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
- Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a broadway musical.
- I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.
- Why did Trump throw so many plate against the wall like a baby? He wanted to seem tough on china.
- In my day, schooling was so severe. If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal ruler.
Tough measures. - As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
- I grew up in a rough part of town... The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.
- M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways.
- You'd think going an entire year without celebrating joining Reddit would be tough but it's actually A piece of cake.
- I'm not sure what gender fluid is... ...but it sounds like it's tough to get out of upholstery.
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Tough One Liners
Which tough one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tough? I can suggest the ones about rough and rough as.
- English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
- First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii? Tough year for the Electronic community.
- Why is morning difficult in Athens? Because dawn is tough on Greece
- What does SWAT stand for… … in Texas?
Stand, Wait, Act Tough - Europe must have a detergent based economy.. ..because it's tough on Greece.
- Being a North Korean is tough and all but hey At the end of the day, I can't complain.
- Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision. Roe vs Wade
- As a 10-year-old, I find online dating real tough. Every person I meet ends up in jail!
- Why is it tough to make it as a pornstar? Because the competition is stiff.
- It's tough trying to explain Japanese history But I can Samurais it.
- In the bible, Samson was a tough man. But his father Samsonite was a real hard case.
- I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read. It's only 3 words.
- What is a cannibal comedian's biggest fear? A tough crowd.
- Divorce is tough on some kids Others are just happy to be single again.
- What did the farmer do to prove he's tough? Grew a pear.
Tough Crowd Jokes
Here is a list of funny tough crowd jokes and even better tough crowd puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".
- I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny. It was a tough crowd.
- Did you hear about Medusa's short lived stand up career? She always faced a tough crowd.
- What did the cannibal comedian say as he battled through his steak dinner? Tough crowd.
- I tried doing a stand-up act for a bunch of bodybuilders. Tough crowd.
- A comedian tells a joke to a group of bodybuilders, but nobody laughs Gee, tough crowd
- What did the cannibal say on open-mic night? Tough crowd.
Chuck Norris Is So Tough Jokes
Here is a list of funny chuck norris is so tough jokes and even better chuck norris is so tough puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights,they get a workout from him.
- I found out there are no statues of Chuck Norris. Granite isn't tough enough to hold his image.
- Chuck Norris shaves with a hunting knife.
"Shaving" consists of cutting a new mouth-hole every morning.
That's how tough his beard is. - Most tough men eat nails for breakfast.
Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Tough Neighborhood Jokes
Here is a list of funny tough neighborhood jokes and even better tough neighborhood puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top. It's was tough in the Gateau
Your So Tough Jokes
Here is a list of funny your so tough jokes and even better your so tough puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It is hard to understand English but you can learn it through tough thorough thought, though!
- Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it. Times were tough
- the queen lived a tough life, from paycheck to paycheck. Your paycheck, his paycheck, my paycheck
- I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough... For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.
- My school was tough. My teacher asked a kid what comes after a sentence? The kid said an appeal.
- I saw an old lady being mugged by several men while walking home today, I figured I better go and help! She was a tough old broad but in the end we got her purse.
- I was recently diagnosed with mesothelioma it's tough sometimes, but I'm doing asbestos I can.
- It was a tough Halloween this year.. I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.
Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!" - I was doing the laundry today and I started reading the side of the detergent and it said… Tough on Grime.
Smashes Dirt.
Hard on Stains.
I thought, wow, that last one's a bit too much information… - I got into Harvard!!! I don't know why people say it's tough to do, they don't even lock the doors.
Ford Tough Jokes
Here is a list of funny ford tough jokes and even better ford tough puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have a new pick up line. It's "ford tough."
Howlingly Hilarious Tough Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about tough you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hardened jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tough pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...
with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...
A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....
As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you s**... it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it.
Man, threading a needle is tough!
The secret to a long life
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
My 20/15 eyesight is really helpful during tough economic times...
because a lot of jobs require minimum supervision.
Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and want to hug them.
I know life is tough for the visually impaired.
THE GOVINATOR
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
Three slabs of concrete walk into a bar
They sit down, order drinks and start bragging about how strong they are. As they're doing this a small bit of green tarmac walks in and they hide under the table as it orders its drink.
When it leaves they all get up and the barman asks them
"What's up with you guys? I thought all of you were tough."
"Oh, we're tough," they said, "but he's a cycle path."
I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...
There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Making the arrangements for my wife's f**... is tough
She keeps asking what I'm doing
Dave came home later than usual from his Sunday golf outing...
He looked thoroughly worn out.
"Tough day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Oh, you have no idea," he said. "The first nine holes were great. But then Steve had a heart attack and died. For the whole back nine, it was 'hit the ball, drag Steve, hit the ball, drag Steve."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Winter vacation is over and returning to school is tough for my girl...
...the crying, the k**..., the screaming...but it has to be done, after all, she's the teacher.
Two old Polish guys were talking about how tough their childhoods were...
"When I was a boy, my father taught me to swim the old fashioned way! He just took me out to the middle of a lake and threw me overboard!"
"Wow! That must have been scary!"
"Well, it was easy enough swimming back to shore, once I got myself out of that burlap sack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
From the time it was discovered to the time it was declassified as a planet, pluto did not make a full revolution around the sun.
It was a tough year.
I dated a girl in a wheel chair once.
it was a tough relationship tho. Have you ever heard the saying "If you love her then let her go, and if she comes back then it was meant to be"?
Well don't let her go on a hill by a lake, cause she don't come back
I ran into a NASA scientist one day...
...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."
He says, "It's easy... you just planet."
So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict
Must be a tough pill for him to s**....
I saw a girl busking today.
She had a great voice and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.
I had a tough conversation with my parents
Dad: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Dad: water
Me: water who?
Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.
When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his c**.... He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .
Lately I've been trying to find the girl of my dreams...
it's tough cause I'm an insomniac.
When I was 10 years old, my dad sat me down and said "You know sonny when the going gets tough, the tough get going."
And then he left.
My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....
I've never heard him complain
A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle 26 girls (A-Z) down to one.
"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have two contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"
Theres a long silence as the man thinks for a minute...
"Would you prefer A... or G?" asks the presenter
The man thinks a little longer, then replies, "Yes. Yes I would!"
What's the toughest thing for an artist to draw?
A salary.
(Credit to u/arguablytrue)
What's the toughest part about being Batman?
Knowing that you'll never make your parents proud.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My teacher tried to flirt with me in class today.
It made me really uncomfortable. She kept saying "You look s**...!" and "wanna have a little fun in bed?"
It's tough being homeschooled.
Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:
>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<
What's the toughest thing about being a vegan?
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.
If found guilty he'll be given a tough sentence.
A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...
The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.
They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.
"Sir, do you know this woman?"
"Yes it's my wife"
(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck."
The man replied, "Yeah, I know... but she's a wonderful cook!"
Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.
Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.
Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.
Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?
Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough
He spent most of my childhood in the bottle
Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.
Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...
Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.
In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his buddy, Hey compadre, we don't have to just *accept* this as our new normal, ya know? What with modern fashion and technology these days… we can *do* something about this!
So they went out and bought matching hairpieces. They were toupees in a pod.
My wife is studying to become a massage therapist
All she wants to do is study and practice. I've got to cook, I've got to clean, it's tough.
But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.
Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?
Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.
Friend: Neat.
Man: Scaled Mount Everest n**...!
Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?
Man: Well, there is one I still haven't completed.
Friend: And that is?
Man: Break my habit of lying......
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.
The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.
He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."
The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.
He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."
The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the h**... happened to you?!?" I gasped.
He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."
What's the toughest cult to join..
Difficult.
COVID lockdowns have been tough on everyone, but especially hard for men.
They've been losing $1.00 for every $0.79 women are losing.
I've been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn't helping
I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he'll just say vaguely supportive things that really don't help. He'll say things like hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you're not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.
I know he means well.
I went to a mug making workshop today, but it was pretty tough and ended up with a bowl..
I just couldn't handle it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?
**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**
In these tough times Taco Bell is providing more value than ever
Where else can you get gas for $1.19?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.
So I did what had to be done.
It was tough, and a little messy.
But for a clean a**...?
it was the best 43 cents i'd ever spent.
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
A farmer complained to me men of his profession had a tough time attracting women.
My buddy's a car showroom salesman and he says him and his work buddies can't keep them away! I just don't get it.
That's life, I said, fact is, a lot of women simply prefer showers over growers.
