Touch Jokes
129 touch jokes and hilarious touch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about touch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the fun and comedic conversations surrounding Lukaku's first touch and being out of touch in a variety of situations. From the Midas Touch to contact to being circumsized, the article dives into the rich cultural and comical implications of touch jokes.
Quick Jump To
- Short Touch Jokes
- Touch One Liners
- First Touch Jokes
- Touch Screen Jokes
- Out Of Touch Jokes
- More Touch Jokes
Funniest Touch Short Jokes
Short touch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The touch humour may include short gesture jokes also.
- Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank god I live in Canada
- When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen. I was touched.
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people. In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
- Why do Jews get Circumcised? Because jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off
- Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off
- My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home." I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
- I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
- I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
- Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.
Share These Touch Jokes With Friends
Touch One Liners
Which touch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with touch? I can suggest the ones about contact and interaction.
- "Do not touch" Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.
- I bought a theremin But I haven't touched it in years.
I'm sorry to anyone who gets it. - My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
- There are hot dads in your area... And they want to know who touched the thermostat.
- I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
- When Vanna White dies... Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?
- When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
- DO NOT TOUCH must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille.
- What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? Single-ply toilet paper
- I'm really in touch with my inner self today. Really need to buy 2 ply tissue.
- I've been thinking of selling my theremin I haven't touched it in years
- Do Not Touch! Must be terrifying to read in braille.
- I'm reading a romantic novel in Braille So touching...
- Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.
- Worst thing to read in Braille DANGER. DO NOT TOUCH!
First Touch Jokes
Here is a list of funny first touch jokes and even better first touch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Daughter loses her first tooth Wife : "Honey see this, our daughter lost her first tooth"
Husband : "yeah I know, she probably won't touch my PlayStation again" - Lost Tooth Mother: Babe our daughter lost her first tooth
Father: I Know , I bet she won't touch my Xbox again
Mother: WHAT!!!!
Father: What?? - Our teenage boy just volunteered to do his own laundry for the first time… I guess he doesn't want mom to touch his socks.
- My wife told me that my son just lost his first tooth... I know! That hopefully taught him not to touch my Xbox.
- Why didn't the duck ask his date out to dinner again? She wouldn't touch the bill on the first date.
- Did you hear that McDonald's is rolling out braille menus at their drive throughs? It was a little touch and go at first, but now it's just getting out of hand...
- I will never forget the day that I was first touched by Jesus... ...in a Mexican prison shower.
- The longest white snake, I lay coiled The shorter brown snakes travel first I'm always a touch behind What am I? Toilet Paper.
- So there are three nuns walking down the street and a streaker runs by... The first nun has a s**..., the second nun has a s**..., but the third, the third nun doesn't touch him.
- What's the definition of Embarrassing? Running into a wall with a e**... and your nose touches the wall first.
Touch Screen Jokes
Here is a list of funny touch screen jokes and even better touch screen puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children. They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.
- "is this a touch screen?" "It is if you touch it."
- My friend asked me why I haven't texted him in such a long while, I replied, "My phone screen broke and now it's completely unusable... so I lost touch."
- At what point during a Netflix and Chill should you start touching her? Immediately after the Weinstein Company logo flashes across the screen
- Chuck Norris can use a touch screen without touching it.
- Chuck Norris can only text if the phone's touch screen is bullet proof.
Out Of Touch Jokes
Here is a list of funny out of touch jokes and even better out of touch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- At breakfast, the wife asks her husband What would you do if I won the Lotto? He says, I'd take my half and leave you.
She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch. - What is the fastest way to become sober? Touching your pockets and not feeling your phone.
- A man and a woman meet in a programming class. Suddenly man touches the women's breast. Women: Hey! they are private. Man: But we are in the same class.
- I've been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever! Now my 8 year old son doesn't have to touch my beloved PC!
- Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.
- Touched by Jesus Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.
- When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys... I was touched...
- man asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery. I'd take half and leave you.
Great, he said, I won $12, here's $6. Stay in touch! - When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread... it's called gluten tag.
I'll show myself out. - The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror
Cheerful Fun Touch Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about touch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean impact jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make touch pranks.
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Gambler
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
Flying Blind
A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.
The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."
The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"
The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"
Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
A man enters a pet shop...
...and wants to buy a polar bear. The shop assistant takes the man to the bear's cage and says: "The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don't touch his nose."
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK. Until the man can't no longer withstand: "I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!" So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him. With his paw the bear taps the man's shoulder and says: "You are it!"
Gorilla Encounter
Two gay guys are at the Zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive e**.... The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"
Man goes to a doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I have pain all over my body, everywhere I touch hurt". He then proceeds to point to various parts of his body cringing in pain. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and concludes. "Sir, it appears you have a broken finger".
Three little old ladies
Three little old ladies were enjoying an evening on the town, when suddenly they were accosted by a f**.... The first little old lady had a s**...! Then the second one had a s**...! But the third one refused to touch it.
In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.
Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.
A man walks into a bar
He notices some pieces of meat hanging down from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks "What's with the meat on the ceiling?"
Bartender:"It's a challenge. If you can jump up and touch one, you get free beer for a night."
Man:"Nah, pass".
Bartender: "What? Why not?"
Man:"The steaks are too high"
Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?
Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
Why do jews get their p**... circumcised?
Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off
A little girl and a little boy were sitting in a bathtub together..
The little girl looks down and asks, "can I touch it?" He answers, "NO WAY- YOU ALREADY BROKE YOURS OFF!"
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?
Disney Movies still touch kids
Two pilots are landing a plane.
Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.
When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!
A man from out of town walks into a bar...
he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?
Their criminal record.
To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"
I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....
I got in touch with my inner self this morning.
That's the last time I'm buying the cheap toilet paper.
To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified
Especially when it's written in Braille.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.
The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"
The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and c**... his beer.
The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"
Can I touch it?
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?" He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
A brunette goes to the doctor
A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.
He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.
They were so round, big, and beautiful - I just had to touch them!
And then she said, "OW! My eyes!"
So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....
He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.
A man walks into the doctors.
He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here
And touches his abdomen
And the dr says -
Yeah you have a broken finger.
At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.
It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.
The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,
The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.
"DO NOT TOUCH"
"DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille.
I really got in touch with my inner self today.
I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.
Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.
Surprised, the first lady had a s**.... The second lady also had a s**.... The third lady, though, declined to touch it.
Doctor, it hurts...
Says the patient with so much pain.
Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.
Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my knees too.
Doctor: \*Does that hammer thingy\* I see. I can conclude now.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: Your finger is broken.
Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we're made of atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives.
So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.
Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.
It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling his old self.
Mix Tabasco sauce with your hand sanitiser
It won't make it any more effective, but it will remind you not to touch your face and eyes.
Just got back from the doctor... he said I can touch myself inappropriately whenever I want to!
Wife: Grabs report "This says you could have a s**... at any time"
First Night in Prison
I was introduced to my cell mate and he said.......
You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......
I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......
You touch me and I will kill you........
I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am
already married
A man goes to a doctors office, and says Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts
He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, I think you have a broken finger.
What do an electrician and a mortician have in common?
They're both shocked when they touch a live one.
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says,
"You've broken your finger"
The tunnel
An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.
The old lady thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him'
The young woman thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the old lady thinking it was me, and she slapped him'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet the Englishman tried to touch the young woman, and she thought it was me, so she slapped me'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap him again'
"The doctor said that I should touch myself whenever I feel like it."
"No, Dave. He said you could have a s**... at any time."
So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane
They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson's b**...?-
You hit rock bottom.
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
An alligator asked an electric eel, hey, can I touch you?
Electric eel: Yes, but I'd have to charge you.
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass.......
Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he's about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says - If you touch the soda, I won't go home and get the umbrella.
See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat
2 of them had a s**.... The other one didn't want to touch it.
I just got in touch with my inner self
Man, how I hate this cheap toilet paper at work
A person goes to doctor. He has pain in every part of his body
Doctor: when you touch your leg, does it hurt?
Patient: yes
Doctor: when you touch your arm, does it hurt?
Patient: yes
Doctor: when you touch your head, does it hurt?
Patient: yes
Doctor: i think your finger is broken!
My grandfather died a few days ago after a long and debilitating illness, but he always managed to keep his good sense of humour.
Today I received an Amazon parcel containing a Ouija Board, and a note with a smiley face saying "Let's keep in touch."
What is it called when you touch a couch inappropriately?
Sectional assault.
I was lucky enough to be invited to MC Hammer's house recently.
Although, it was actually kind of boring, since he kept saying I wasn't allowed to touch anything.
