touch Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious touch stories

What are the best Touch puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Touch? Well here is a complete list of Touch dad jokes:

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said the boy. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, the boy was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" The young boy replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" the boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

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I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

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Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth.

Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

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Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

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Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy says "no"

"Well when you can touch your dick to your asshole, come back here and I'll share my whiskey with you."

Slightly offended the boy gets his cookies and begins to walk out of the room but his grandpa stops him.

"Hey kid, wanna give your old gramps one of those cookies?" he asks.

The boy turns to his grandpa and says "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Grandpa grows a big wide grin "I sure can!" he says.

"Good," says the boy "then Go fuck yourself. These are MY fucking cookies."

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A flight crew is landing at an unfamiliar airport.

The control tower gives them a runway assignment, and they start their approach.

The pilot says, "Does that runway look kind of short to you?"

The co-pilot says, "It sure does."

"I thought it was supposed to be longer than that"

"Me too"

"Better set full flaps."

"Full flaps set."

"I want thrust reversers the minute we touch."

"Standing by on the thrust reversers."

"And full power once thrust reversers are set."

"Roger that."

"I'm gonna try to catch the very end of the runway, and stand on the brakes. Stand by to reverse thrust."

"Roger that."

They touch down, blast the thrust reversers, stomp the brakes, and just manage to get the plane stopped before it runs off into the grass.

The pilot says, "Damn, that was a short runway."

The co-pilot says, "Yeah, but look how *wide* it is."

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A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

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The Mormon and the Irishman

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had that choice."

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Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.

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Why are Jewish Men Circumcised?

Because Jewish women don't touch anything unless it's 20% off!

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Why do jewish men get circumcised?

Because a jewish woman wouldn't touch anything unless it's 20% off.

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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...

...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?"

The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."

"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."

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Why are all jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women will not touch anything unless it is 10% off.

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What will never be read in braille?

Do not touch.

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why do jewish men get circumcisions?

because jewish women wont touch anything that isn't 10% off...

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I was touched by Jesus once

Worst field trip to a Mexican prison ever

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A woman purchases an antique mirror...

in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off

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Impact of a job change.

A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop

The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"

Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"

Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs

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A man walks into a bar

He notices some pieces of meat hanging down from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks "What's with the meat on the ceiling?"

Bartender:"It's a challenge. If you can jump up and touch one, you get free beer for a night."


Man:"Nah, pass".
Bartender: "What? Why not?"

Man:"The steaks are too high"

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Two 90 years old men

Two ninety years old men are discussing on a bench:

"You know when I was 18 and when my penis was fully erected, I could not bend it at all, just like marble.

When I was 30, I was able to bend it a little, even if I was the only one actually seeing it.

When I was 50, I could give it the shape of a big banana.

But now, I can actually fold it and make my glans touch my balls"

"What's your point?" asked the other one.




"Well, the older I get, the stronger my arms!"

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I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

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Today I got in touch with my inner self

Last time I'm buying cheap toilet paper.

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A boy and a girl are sitting next to each other

Boy: If you let me kiss you, I'll give you a piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay.

Boy: If you let me touch your boobs, you'll get another piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay!

Boy: If you let me touch your pussy, you'll get another one.

Girl: You know what? At this rate, I'll have diabetes by the time we finally fuck!

(translated from German)

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The caretaker told me this one

A little boy asks his father one day "dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" The dad takes him to the bedroom where the mom is asleep, pulls her pants down and says "that son, is a pussy" The son asks "can I touch it?" The dad replies "No, you might wake up the cunt"

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A boy meets a girl outside a school:

The boy says to the girl: "I bet you 10$ you can't climb up half this flag pole!". The girl replied: "Sure I can!", and so she did and received her money. The girl got home and her father asked where she got the money. She explained and he told her that the boy had just wanted to see her underwear. The next day she meets the same boy at the flag pole. "I bet you 20$ you can't climb up the whole pole and touch the top!". The girl took the bet, touched the top and received her money. The boy Walked away with a huge smile on his face. When the girl got home her father saw that she was holding even more money today than she did the day before: "Did you let that boy trick you again?" he asked. "I most certainly did not! I was the one that tricked him actually!". "And how did you do that?" her father replied. "Well, today I wasn't wearing any underwear!

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Adam and God are walking through the Garden of Eden....

and Adam asks God, "Hey God, why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
And God replies, "So you would always want to look at her my son."
Adam asks, "So, why did you make her smell so good?"
God replies,"So you would always want to be around her my son."
Adam asks, "Well, why did you make her skins so soft?"
God replies, "So you'd always want to touch her my son."
Adam asks, "Well why did you make her so fucking stupid?"
God replies, "So she would love you my son."

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The old man and his grandson

An old man took his grandson to town but ran into some old friends playing poker and decided to join them.

His grandson asked, "Can I play too?"

The old man said, "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"

The boy replied, "No."

The grandfather then said, "Then you aren't old enough. Why don't you play in that arcade next door."

So after a while, the kid returned and said, "Grandpa! They had a contest there and I won $50,000! I can't wait to spend it!"

The old man replied, "Wooh! That's a lot of money! You're gonna share it with your old gramps aren't you?"

The kid asked, "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"

The grandpa chuckled and said "Of course it is, I'm an old man."

"Then go fuck yourself."

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A blonde visits her doctor...

... and says to him: "Doc, I am in total agony. Every single part of my body just hurts so much!"

The doctor asks her to give some examples, and she proceeds to touch her forehead. Upon doing this, she screams from pain. She touches her shoulders and tears appear in her eyes. She reaches for her stomach and she starts jumping around due to the pain. After touching her knees and being in pain again, she begs the doctor if she could please stop giving him examples where it hurts, she just wants a remedy.

The doc looks at her for a while, before coming to the conclusion: "Ma'am, your fingers seem to be broken..."

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In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

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So there are three nuns walking down the street and a streaker runs by...

The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third, the third nun doesn't touch him.

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A man is walking through the desert...

A man is walking through the desert, when suddenly he finds a lamp. Remembering of the tales he used to be told when he was a child, he rubs his hand on the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie says he will grant one wish.

The man says,

"I want my penis to touch the ground!"

The man loses both legs and the genie disappears.

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A man goes to the dentist because of severe toothache.

Dentist: There's the problem, you have severe cavity on your wisdom tooth, it must be removed immediately.

Man: Err, doc is there any other way to fix this? Other than pulling my tooth? I'm too afraid to go through this.

Dentist: I know, we have a medicine here that will make you brave, take this and I'll come back to you after 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes...

Dentist: The medicine should have take effect by now, are you brave now?

Man: YEAH!!! TRY TO TOUCH MY GODDAMN TOOTH AND I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!

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Three little old ladies

Three little old ladies were enjoying an evening on the town, when suddenly they were accosted by a flasher. The first little old lady had a stroke! Then the second one had a stroke! But the third one refused to touch it.

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Prison blues.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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Simple Truths 1 & 2

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
"Congrats ".
But none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

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The Lotto Winner

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife

What would you do if I won the Lotto?

I'd take my half and leave you she says.

"Great he says.

I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch!

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A little boy and a little girl are having a bath...

When the little girl looks down at the little boy's crotch and notices his penis.
"Can I touch it?" She asks him.
"No! You already broke yours off!"

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I got in touch with my inner self today

And that's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

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My favorite one liner

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.

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Be careful this Winter!!!!

Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!

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Man goes to a doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I have pain all over my body, everywhere I touch hurt". He then proceeds to point to various parts of his body cringing in pain. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and concludes. "Sir, it appears you have a broken finger".

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2 Newfies are landing a airplane

2 Newfies are landing an airplane. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "That runway looks pretty short, better give me half flaps". "Roger" says the co-pilot. The pilot says, "That runway is really short, better give me 3/4 flaps." After a second, the pilot screams, "The runway is REALLY short, give me full flaps and brake hard as soon as we touch down!". The plane lands and come to a screeching halt immediately. The co-pilot says, "Wow, that runway was really short" and the pilot says, "Yes, but look how wide it is."

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A woman and her husband find a magic mirror at a garage sale...

The wife asks the owner, "what's so special about this mirror that it's $50?" The owner says "it's a magic mirror, it will grant you any wish." After a little discussing the husband and wife decide to purchase the mirror.

They haul it home and hang it on their bedroom door. "Try it out," the husband exclaims. The wife looks in the mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door. Give me boobs that touch the floor." All of a sudden, the womens breast enlarge, become voluptuous, and are so big they are touching the floor.

The husband obviously excited wants to try it out. He looks in the mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my dick touch the floor." All of sudden, the mans legs fall off.

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Why are Jewish men circumcised ?

Because a Jewish woman won't touch anything unless it's 50% off.

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Touched by Jesus

Great words to hear in church, not so great to hear in a Mexican prison.

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a man walks into a bar...

A man sits in a bar ordering a beer, when suddently a beautiful flirty woman walks upto him. She starts flirting with the man, when she finally revealed that: "for 100$, you can make me do anything" she then touch his cruch, and said "and I mean anything" the woman then told him: "but only if you can describe it in three words" the man took a while, and considered this offer. When he finally took out his wallet, gave the woman a 100$bill, when he said these three words: "Paint my house"

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I decided to get in touch with my feminine side today

...so I made myself a sandwich.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best touch jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about touch. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty touch gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these touch jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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