touch Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious touch puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
Β 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.

Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm so straight I don't touch myself when I jerk off

My buddy Brian does it for me

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Mormon was seated next to a Irishman on a plane..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
Β 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
Β 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said the boy. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, the boy was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" The young boy replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" the boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy sees his dad smoking [NSFW]

So the boy asks if he can smoke, to which the dad replied: "I don't know son, does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy replied, "no".

Later he sees him drinking a beer and asks if he can have one. "I don't know son, does your dick touch your asshole?" Again, no.

That night the boy is making cookies with his mother and the dad walks in. "Boy those cookies look great, can I have one"

Seeing his chance the boy asks his dad if his dick touches his asshole.

When the dad tells him that it does indeed, the boy replies: "That's great dad, cause you can go fuck yourself these are my cookies"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth.

Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy says "no"

"Well when you can touch your dick to your asshole, come back here and I'll share my whiskey with you."

Slightly offended the boy gets his cookies and begins to walk out of the room but his grandpa stops him.

"Hey kid, wanna give your old gramps one of those cookies?" he asks.

The boy turns to his grandpa and says "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Grandpa grows a big wide grin "I sure can!" he says.

"Good," says the boy "then Go fuck yourself. These are MY fucking cookies."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Cookies. Possibly NSFW

A young boy and his grandfather were sitting outside enjoying the summer breeze.

The boys grandfather pulled out a cigar, lit it, and puffed away contently.

The boy looked at his grandfather and asked if he could take a puff.

The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir."

"Then you are not old enough" the grandfather snapped back.

A few minutes later the grandfather pulled a beer out of his cooler, and took a sip.

The boy asked if he could try the beer.

The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir."

Grandpa huffed. "Then you are not old enough."

The boy gave up and ran inside the house to go play.

An hour later the boy came outside with a plate of cookies.

The grandfather asked the boy, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa laughed. "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass."

The boy smirked. "Then go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A flight crew is landing at an unfamiliar airport.

The control tower gives them a runway assignment, and they start their approach.

The pilot says, "Does that runway look kind of short to you?"

The co-pilot says, "It sure does."

"I thought it was supposed to be longer than that"

"Me too"

"Better set full flaps."

"Full flaps set."

"I want thrust reversers the minute we touch."

"Standing by on the thrust reversers."

"And full power once thrust reversers are set."

"Roger that."

"I'm gonna try to catch the very end of the runway, and stand on the brakes. Stand by to reverse thrust."

"Roger that."

They touch down, blast the thrust reversers, stomp the brakes, and just manage to get the plane stopped before it runs off into the grass.

The pilot says, "Damn, that was a short runway."

The co-pilot says, "Yeah, but look how *wide* it is."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are Jewish men circumsised?

Because Jewish women only touch things 20% off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Taking grandson fishing...

A grandfather was taking his grandson fishing one day. While driving to the lake the grandfather grabbed a beer out of the cooler and popped the top.
Grandson: "Grandpa, grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer?"
Grandpa: "Well, let me ask you a question first. If you pull your pecker down is it long enough to touch your asshole?"
Grandson: "No sir"
Grandpa: "Well you can't have any of grandpa's beer until your old enough that it will."
A little while later, grandpa takes out a cigar and lights it up.
Grandson: "Grandpa, grandpa, can I taste your cigar?"
Grandpa: "Well, i'll ask you again. If you pull your pecker down is it long enough to touch your asshole?"
Grandson: "No sir"
Grandpa: "Like I said before, you can't have any of grandpa's cigar either until you are old enough that it will."
A few miles later, the grandson reaches in his pocket and pulls out some cookies in a ziplock baggie.
Grandpa: "Hey boy, are those some of your grandma's home baked cookies?"
Grandson: "Yes sir"
Grandpa: "I sure love grandma's cookies, let me have a couple of those, grandpa sure is hungry."
Grandson: "If you pull your pecker down will it touch your asshole?"
Grandpa: "It sure does"
Grandson: "Good, because you can go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got in touch with my inner self once...

Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

After the airplane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather let a dozen whores rape me than let alcohol touch my lips"

The Irishman then handed his drink back and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do jews get their penises circumcised?

Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today i got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy asks his dad...

A boy askes his dad if he can have a beer. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."

A few years later he sees his dad having a cigar, and he asks if he can have a cigar too. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy, again, says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar yet."

A few more years pass, and the son buys a lottery ticket, and wins big. His dad says "Hey son, how about sharing that money with your dad?" The son says "Gee, I don't know. is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"
The dad says "Yes it is!"
"Then go fuck yourself."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two twins, one boat.

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old, dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day, he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who promptly sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore, he went to town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

"Hell no!" Joe replied. "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old, dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway. Those idiots tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever!

Now my 8 year old son doesn't have to touch my beloved PC!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are all Jewish men circumsized?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Mormon and the Irishman

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had that choice."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Dollies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why doesn't Frankenstein's monster masturbate?

Because he doesn't want to touch another guy's dick.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do not touch...

Must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A homeless man is walking along a road

and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, as you can see, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine, fine" the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Credit goes to u/MrTyko

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are Jewish Men Circumcised?

Because Jewish women don't touch anything unless it's 20% off!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Call me a racist if you want, but the other side of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a twenty-foot pole.

I'm so fucking glad I live in Canada.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Doctor's advice

A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No, but it will seem longer"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"
Moral: hard work is never appreciated, only results matter

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do jewish men get circumcised?

Because a jewish woman wouldn't touch anything unless it's 20% off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Touched by Jesus

Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Can I have some? nsfw

So this old man takes his grandson fishing. After a few minutes the grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. The kid says
"hey that looks pretty good can I have one?"
"can you touch your butthole with your pecker?" Says the grandpa..
The child replies "no."
"Then you are not old enough to have one."
A few minutes later the grandpa starts smoking a cigar.
"Hey grandpa that looks pretty good can I have one?"
Again the grandpa replies "can you touch your butthole with your pecker?"
"no" says the child.
"then you're not old enough to have one.."
A little time passes and the kid reaches into his bag and starts to eat some cookies. The grandpa says
"hey those look pretty good can I have one?" To which the kid replies
"can you touch your butthole with your pecker?"
"I sure as hell can!" Exclaims the grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself because these are my cookies!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is the scariest thing to read in braile?

"Do not touch"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the most frighting thing you can read in braille?

Do not touch.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.

Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!

poof

His penis touches the floor.

His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...

...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?"

The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."

"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A German diva I took home with me turned out to be a transsexual.

When I took off her pants and saw she had a penis, I recoiled. "Vat is ze problem?" she said.

I stammered that there had been a miscommunication, that I didn't want to touch her dick, that I wouldn't even know what to do with it if I tried. I was still a fan of everything above the waist, so I awkwardly tried to fondle her boobs as some sort of weird compensation. She slapped my hand away.

"No *zank* you," she said as she got dressed. "If you can't handle me at my wurst, you don't deserve me at my breasts."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other on a plane

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that

Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror

πŸ‘πŸΌ

3 guys are shipwrecked on an island full of cannibals

The cannibals catch them and say"bring us 10 fruits or we will kill you" the first man comes back with ten carrots the cannibals tell him"we'll stick them all up your ass if you dont move a muscle we'll let you live" they force the first one up his ass he doesnt say anything but as soon as they touch the other carrot he says Ow! They throw him in a cage the second man comes back with ten berries they tell him the same thing and start filling him up they stick the first one he doesnt say anything then the second one the the 3rd 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th but as soon as they stick the 10th on up his ass he starts laughing they throw him in a cage next to the other guy ,he says"DUDE you were doing so well why'd you laugh?" "Because i saw the other guy coming with ten watermelons"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Saying that you were touched by Jesus...

...is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man enters a pet shop...

...and wants to buy a polar bear. The shop assistant takes the man to the bear's cage and says: "The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don't touch his nose."
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK. Until the man can't no longer withstand: "I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!" So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him. With his paw the bear taps the man's shoulder and says: "You are it!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified

Especially when it's written in Braille.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, can have some?

The grandpa says, does your dick touch your asshole? The boy says, no . Grandpa says, then no, you can't have any. Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, hey can I try your cigar? Grandpa again asks, does your dick touch your asshole? The boy says no and his grandpa responds, then no, you can't have any. The next morning the grandpa comes into the kitchen and sees the boy eating cookies. He asks his grandson for a cookie and the boy asks, does your dick touch your asshole? The grandpa replies, yes, and without missing a beat the boy says, then go fuck yourself, grandma made these for me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"DO NOT TOUCH"

"DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

why are all jewish men circumcised?

because jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 10% off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ten years ago I was in elementary school.

I was uncircumcised and a kid noticed while in the bathroom. Later that day, a group of children wanted to see it for themselves, so I pulled it out and showed them. One of them said my pee pee was different and wanted to touch it. Thought "why not?" and they began pulling back my foreskin and touching the head. It felt so nice, I was in bliss. My pee pee began to get bigger and one of the girls started screaming. The Dean came in and quickly took everyone away and began to yell at me. Eventually parents were informed about the case.

That was the end of my teaching career.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three men were on a trip to Saudi Arabia...

...When they came across a Saudi Arabian rent with over 100 beautiful women inside. The three men began to become friendly with the women when suddenly, the Sheik walked in.

"What are you doing here? I am the master of these women, no one can touch them except for me! You must to pay for what you have done!"

The guards gathered the three men and lined them up in front of the Sheik.

"You will be punished in correspondence with your profession."

He looks at the first man.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a Police Officer."

"Then we will shoot your penis off!"

The Sheik handed one of his women a gun and she shoots off his penis.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I-I I'm a f-fireman."

"Then we will burn your penis off!"

The Sheik gives one of his women a flame thrower and she burns his penis off.

"And finally, what do you do for a living?"

The third man thought for a moment before answering with:

"I'm a lollipop salesman."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Well son...

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then you can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then you can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are all jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women will not touch anything unless it is 10% off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got in touch with my inner self today.

Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A teacher does a quiz with her class.

She asks the children:" So guys what walks on four legs and hurts to touch?" So one kid goes:" A hedgehog" the teacher responds:" I was thinking of a porcupine, but I like the way that you think, next question, what has wheels and takes me to school?" The same kid answers:" Your car". "It is my bike, but I like the way you think", the teacher says. So the kid asks if he can say a question and the teacher accepts. "What is hard, has a red head, and when you rub it right, its head explodes" the kid goes. The teacher turns red and angrily says that the kid will have detention. The kid just says:" It is a matchstick, but I like the way you think".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What will never be read in braille?

Do not touch.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two pilots are landing a plane.

Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.

When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"

The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 30 percent off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

grandpa, can I have your cigar?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not old enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then you're not old enough enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sometimes, when I think of a book

I touch my shelf

πŸ‘πŸΌ

why do jewish men get circumcisions?

because jewish women wont touch anything that isn't 10% off...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"DO NOT TOUCH" Must be the scariest thing to read ...

... in Braille.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do Jews get circumcised ?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 10% off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was touched by Jesus once

Worst field trip to a Mexican prison ever

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Gorilla Encounter

Two gay guys are at the Zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" he shouts. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the most terrifying thing to read in Braille?

DO NOT TOUCH

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

Disney Movies still touch kids

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little girl and a little boy were sitting in a bathtub together..

The little girl looks down and asks, "can I touch it?" He answers, "NO WAY- YOU ALREADY BROKE YOURS OFF!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman purchases an antique mirror...

in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Impact of a job change.

A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop

The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"

Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"

Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So two couples want to convert to Catholicism...

There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days.

Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.

"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.

"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.

"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."

"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."

"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar

He notices some pieces of meat hanging down from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks "What's with the meat on the ceiling?"

Bartender:"It's a challenge. If you can jump up and touch one, you get free beer for a night."


Man:"Nah, pass".
Bartender: "What? Why not?"

Man:"The steaks are too high"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Mormon and an Irishman

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sometimes, when I think about books

I touch my shelf

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport

The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest damn runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks to the left, then looks to the right and says "Yea, but it sure is wide"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two 90 years old men

Two ninety years old men are discussing on a bench:

"You know when I was 18 and when my penis was fully erected, I could not bend it at all, just like marble.

When I was 30, I was able to bend it a little, even if I was the only one actually seeing it.

When I was 50, I could give it the shape of a big banana.

But now, I can actually fold it and make my glans touch my balls"

"What's your point?" asked the other one.




"Well, the older I get, the stronger my arms!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today I got in touch with my inner self

Last time I'm buying cheap toilet paper.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Mormon and the Irishman

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
They were sitting next to each other on a flight from London to the US.


After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!."


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy and a girl are sitting next to each other

Boy: If you let me kiss you, I'll give you a piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay.

Boy: If you let me touch your boobs, you'll get another piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay!

Boy: If you let me touch your pussy, you'll get another one.

Girl: You know what? At this rate, I'll have diabetes by the time we finally fuck!

(translated from German)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy and his grandfather

A young boy walks up to his grandfather and says "grandpa, can I have a dollar?" The grandfather asks, "Is your dick long enough to touch your ass hole?" the boy replies, "no.." The grandfather then says, well come back when it is."

For the next few years the boy asked his grandfather the same thing, "Grandpa can I have a dollar?" and the grandfathers response was always the same, "Is your dick long enough to touch your ass hole?" and the boy always left disappointed.

Years later the boy went to see his grandfather, only this time he was more excited than ever, because his dick was finally long enough to touch his ass hole. He approached his grandfather with a wide grin asking, "Grandpa can i have a dollar?" Before the grandfather could even finish his sentence the boy shouted "YES! YES IT IS! MY DICK IS LONG ENOUGH TO TOUCH MY ASS HOLE!"

"Good!" the grandfather replied, "Now go fuck yourself!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The caretaker told me this one

A little boy asks his father one day "dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" The dad takes him to the bedroom where the mom is asleep, pulls her pants down and says "that son, is a pussy" The son asks "can I touch it?" The dad replies "No, you might wake up the cunt"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A child asks his Grandpa for a cookie

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.

Two years later the child asks if he can have a cookie

The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.

Another two years go by and the child asks if he can have a cookie.

The grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says yes

The Grandpa then says, "Then go fuck yourself."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One ply toilet paper.

Get in touch with your inner self.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy meets a girl outside a school:

The boy says to the girl: "I bet you 10$ you can't climb up half this flag pole!". The girl replied: "Sure I can!", and so she did and received her money. The girl got home and her father asked where she got the money. She explained and he told her that the boy had just wanted to see her underwear. The next day she meets the same boy at the flag pole. "I bet you 20$ you can't climb up the whole pole and touch the top!". The girl took the bet, touched the top and received her money. The boy Walked away with a huge smile on his face. When the girl got home her father saw that she was holding even more money today than she did the day before: "Did you let that boy trick you again?" he asked. "I most certainly did not! I was the one that tricked him actually!". "And how did you do that?" her father replied. "Well, today I wasn't wearing any underwear!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Adam and God are walking through the Garden of Eden....

and Adam asks God, "Hey God, why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
And God replies, "So you would always want to look at her my son."
Adam asks, "So, why did you make her smell so good?"
God replies,"So you would always want to be around her my son."
Adam asks, "Well, why did you make her skins so soft?"
God replies, "So you'd always want to touch her my son."
Adam asks, "Well why did you make her so fucking stupid?"
God replies, "So she would love you my son."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self?

Single-ply toilet paper

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The old man and his grandson

An old man took his grandson to town but ran into some old friends playing poker and decided to join them.

His grandson asked, "Can I play too?"

The old man said, "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"

The boy replied, "No."

The grandfather then said, "Then you aren't old enough. Why don't you play in that arcade next door."

So after a while, the kid returned and said, "Grandpa! They had a contest there and I won $50,000! I can't wait to spend it!"

The old man replied, "Wooh! That's a lot of money! You're gonna share it with your old gramps aren't you?"

The kid asked, "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"

The grandpa chuckled and said "Of course it is, I'm an old man."

"Then go fuck yourself."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young boy asks his dad.....

Dad I hear boys talking at school,

and I want to know, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?

Dad takes him to see his mother who is still asleep, he gently pulls the covers back to reveal her naked lower half and says:

that son is a pussy, the boy reaches out,

No son! you mustn't touch it......

you'll wake the cunt up.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Daughter loses her first tooth

Wife : "Honey see this, our daughter lost her first tooth"

Husband : "yeah I know, she probably won't touch my PlayStation again"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde visits her doctor...

... and says to him: "Doc, I am in total agony. Every single part of my body just hurts so much!"

The doctor asks her to give some examples, and she proceeds to touch her forehead. Upon doing this, she screams from pain. She touches her shoulders and tears appear in her eyes. She reaches for her stomach and she starts jumping around due to the pain. After touching her knees and being in pain again, she begs the doctor if she could please stop giving him examples where it hurts, she just wants a remedy.

The doc looks at her for a while, before coming to the conclusion: "Ma'am, your fingers seem to be broken..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man was cleaning his gun and his grandson asked if he could help

The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" " Well, no. " replied the grandson
The next day the grandfather was skinning a deer and his grandson asked if he could help. The grandfather asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" Once again the grandson said no.
The next day the young boy was helping his grandma bake cookies. The grandfather walks in and asks, "Boy, those smell good. Can I have a couple?" The grandson asked him the same question, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The grandfather said, " Why, yes it sure can. "
The grandson said, "Well, go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I'm buying the cheap toilet paper.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Can I touch it?

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?" He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fart football!

So a husband lays down next to his wife for sleep. She turns over and *FLEERP*[fart noise] the husband jumps from being startled and exclaims "what the hell was that?!" the wife shoots back, " touchdown and an extra point! 7 points!"
The husband not to be out done, leans over and *FWAAERP* "touch down!! 7 points!!"
The wife, laughing, turns over and *PWERRRP* "Touch down! 14 points!"
The husband, not giving up, leans over and pulls a squeaker! *PWEEP* "Touchdown! Tied ball game!" the wife, *FLOOP* " FIELD GOAL!"
The husband knows he must win. He leans over and begins to push! He pushes and pushes as hard as he can! He pushes so hard that *kwerpflarpadarp* he shits the bed! The wife looks at him and goes " what was that?" the husband without skipping a beat yells "HALFTIME! CHANGE SIDES!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy and his grandpa are sitting on the porch...

Grandpa is sipping on a glass of whiskey when the boy asks him for a drink.

Grandpa asks, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"

"No.", the boy replies. "Then no, you can't have any"

A few minutes later the boy comes back out and grandpa is smoking a cigar.

"Can I have a puff of your cigar, grandpa?"

Grandpa asks again, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"

"I already told you I can't, grandpa", the boy replies and goes back in the house.

A few minutes later the boy comes back with a plate of cookies.

"Gimme one of them cookies, boy", grandpa demands.

"Can you touch your dick to your asshole, grandpa?"

"Well, as a matter of fact I can, boy."

"Good. Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So there are three nuns walking down the street and a streaker runs by...

The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third, the third nun doesn't touch him.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to the dentist because of severe toothache.

Dentist: There's the problem, you have severe cavity on your wisdom tooth, it must be removed immediately.

Man: Err, doc is there any other way to fix this? Other than pulling my tooth? I'm too afraid to go through this.

Dentist: I know, we have a medicine here that will make you brave, take this and I'll come back to you after 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes...

Dentist: The medicine should have take effect by now, are you brave now?

Man: YEAH!!! TRY TO TOUCH MY GODDAMN TOOTH AND I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is walking through the desert...

A man is walking through the desert, when suddenly he finds a lamp. Remembering of the tales he used to be told when he was a child, he rubs his hand on the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie says he will grant one wish.

The man says,

"I want my penis to touch the ground!"

The man loses both legs and the genie disappears.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got in touch with my inner self today

That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three little old ladies

Three little old ladies were enjoying an evening on the town, when suddenly they were accosted by a flasher. The first little old lady had a stroke! Then the second one had a stroke! But the third one refused to touch it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Prison blues.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Can your dick touch your ass?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,

"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no.

Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa,

can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie.

Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied,

"Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When I think about my books...

I touch my shelf.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Simple Truths 1 & 2

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
"Congrats ".
But none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Lotto Winner

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife

What would you do if I won the Lotto?

I'd take my half and leave you she says.

"Great he says.

I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny went fishing with his grandpa...

And after a couple uneventful hours, grandpa decided to crack a can of Bud. Little Johnny being thirsty, asked if he could have some. Grandpa asked Johnny if his penis could touch his asshole. Johnny responded that no, it could not, it was too short. Grandpa told Johnny that that meant he was too young to have beer. An hour or so later, after catching a decent smallmouth, grandpa lights up a cigarette. Johnny, curious, asks if he can try one. Grandpa asks the same thing. "Johnny, can you penis touch your asshole?". Again, Johnny responds that it's too short. "Then you are too young" says grandpa. Johnny, frustrated, comforts himself with some homemade cookies his mom sent along. Grandpa thinks they look delicious and asks if he can have one. Johnny asks grandpa if his penis can touch his asshole. Grandpa says yes, johnny, it can, i know I'm big enough for a cookie. Johnny replies "Well then go fuck yourself grandpa, these are my cookies!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Flying Blind

A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.

The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."

The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"

The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"

Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What were Jesus's last words to his disciples as he was nailed to the cross?

Nobody touch my fucking Easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was showing my doctor the rash on my dick today.

He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just said make an appointment at his office tomorrow and then walked off with his family and carried on shopping.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little boy and his Grandpa go fishing

A little boy and his Grandfather go fishing on a quiet little lake. After a few hours of fishing the Grandfather leans forward and pulls a beer from the cooler. The little boy asks, "Grandpa can I have one of those?" When the Grandfather replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" When the little boy nods his head and says no the Grandfather proclaims, "Then you can't have one." An hour or so goes by and the Grandfather pulls out a cigar and lights it up only for the little boy to repeat his question. "Grandpa can I have one of those?" "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Another disappointed look and a nod of the head from the little boy to Grandfather's response "then you can't have one." When they arrive home Grandma already has dinner made and they all sit down to eat. After dinner when watching tv Grandma comes out to the living room with a full plate of cookies and explains to the little boy she made them just for him. Grandpa leans over and says, "hey can I have one of those?" The little boy asks, "can your dick touch your asshole?" The Grandfather nods his head, smiles, and says yes. To the Grandfather's surprise the little boy replies "good then go FUCK YOURSELF because Grandma made them for me!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little boy and a little girl are having a bath...

When the little girl looks down at the little boy's crotch and notices his penis.
"Can I touch it?" She asks him.
"No! You already broke yours off!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got in touch with my inner self today

And that's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My favorite one liner

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Be careful this Winter!!!!

Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?

A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "NO!"

"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.

A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "NO!"

"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.

About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home.
On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?"
The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"

"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"

I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife said I should get in touch with my feminist side.

So I burnt dinner, crashed the car, and just ignored her all night for no reason.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into the doctors.

He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here
And touches his abdomen

And the dr says -
Yeah you have a broken finger.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man goes to a doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I have pain all over my body, everywhere I touch hurt". He then proceeds to point to various parts of his body cringing in pain. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and concludes. "Sir, it appears you have a broken finger".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

On a boat on a lake...

A kid and his grandfather are out fishing. Some time passes and the grandfather reaches under his bench and pulls out a 6 pack of beer. Cracks one open and starts drinking. The grandson looks at him and says "hey grandpa can I have one of those?"

The grandfather asks, "well can your dick touch your ass?"

"No", the grandson replies.

"Well then you can't have one."

Some more time passes and the grandson reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bag of chocolate chip cookies. The grandfather says" Where the hell did you get those?!"

"Grandma made 'em for me" he replies.

"Well can I have one?"

"Can you dick touch your ass?"

"Yeah"

"Then go fuck yourself"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Touch puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Touch? Well, here are the best jokes about Touch to have fun with.

Joko Jokes