Touch Jokes
122 touch jokes and hilarious touch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about touch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the fun and comedic conversations surrounding Lukaku's first touch and being out of touch in a variety of situations. From the Midas Touch to contact to being circumsized, the article dives into the rich cultural and comical implications of touch jokes.
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Funniest Touch Short Jokes
Short touch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The touch humour may include short gesture jokes also.
- When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen. I was touched.
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people. In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
- My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home." I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
- I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
- I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
- What is the fastest way to become sober? Touching your pockets and not feeling your phone.
- A man and a woman meet in a programming class. Suddenly man touches the women's breast. Women: Hey! they are private. Man: But we are in the same class.
- I've been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever! Now my 8 year old son doesn't have to touch my beloved PC!
- When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys... I was touched...
Share These Touch Jokes With Friends
Touch One Liners
Which touch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with touch? I can suggest the ones about contact and interaction.
- "Do not touch" Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.
- I bought a theremin But I haven't touched it in years.
I'm sorry to anyone who gets it. - My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
- There are hot dads in your area... And they want to know who touched the thermostat.
- I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
- When Vanna White dies... Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?
- When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
- What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? Single-ply toilet paper
- I'm really in touch with my inner self today. Really need to buy 2 ply tissue.
- I've been thinking of selling my theremin I haven't touched it in years
- I'm reading a romantic novel in Braille So touching...
- What time is bed time at the Catholic church? When the big hand touches the little hand!
- I just got in touch with my inner self Man, how I hate this cheap toilet paper at work
- What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital? Cos-medics
- Oh my. This painting really reminds me of my late uncle... Because it touches me so much
First Touch Jokes
Here is a list of funny first touch jokes and even better first touch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Daughter loses her first tooth Wife : "Honey see this, our daughter lost her first tooth"
Husband : "yeah I know, she probably won't touch my PlayStation again" - Our teenage boy just volunteered to do his own laundry for the first time… I guess he doesn't want mom to touch his socks.
- My wife told me that my son just lost his first tooth... I know! That hopefully taught him not to touch my Xbox.
- Why didn't the duck ask his date out to dinner again? She wouldn't touch the bill on the first date.
- Did you hear that McDonald's is rolling out braille menus at their drive throughs? It was a little touch and go at first, but now it's just getting out of hand...
- I will never forget the day that I was first touched by Jesus... ...in a Mexican prison shower.
- The longest white snake, I lay coiled The shorter brown snakes travel first I'm always a touch behind What am I? Toilet Paper.
Touch Screen Jokes
Here is a list of funny touch screen jokes and even better touch screen puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children. They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.
- "is this a touch screen?" "It is if you touch it."
- My friend asked me why I haven't texted him in such a long while, I replied, "My phone screen broke and now it's completely unusable... so I lost touch."
- Chuck Norris can use a touch screen without touching it.
- Chuck Norris can only text if the phone's touch screen is bullet proof.
Out Of Touch Jokes
Here is a list of funny out of touch jokes and even better out of touch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified Especially when it's written in Braille.
- It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag. Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.
- I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety... But my boss doesn't like to be touched.
- What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ? Disney Movies still touch kids
- Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper? Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
- An alligator asked an electric eel, hey, can I touch you? Electric eel: Yes, but I'd have to charge you.
- A little girl and a little boy were sitting in a bathtub together.. The little girl looks down and asks, "can I touch it?" He answers, "NO WAY- YOU ALREADY BROKE YOURS OFF!"
- Why did the coward suddenly feel brave after touching a big rock? Because he felt a little boulder.
- My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
- In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags. Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.
Cheerful Fun Touch Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about touch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean impact jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make touch pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
I decided to get in touch with my feminine side today
...so I made myself a sandwich.
Flying Blind
A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.
The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."
The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"
The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"
Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there are three nuns walking down the street and a streaker runs by...
The first nun has a s**..., the second nun has a s**..., but the third, the third nun doesn't touch him.
So Apple made a spinoff of the iPod Touch...
...where you design all its features yourself. The color, storage, apps that come with it, basically everything.
However, it got banned from all Apple stores because of its name, the iTouchMyself.
A man enters a pet shop...
...and wants to buy a polar bear. The shop assistant takes the man to the bear's cage and says: "The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don't touch his nose."
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK. Until the man can't no longer withstand: "I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!" So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him. With his paw the bear taps the man's shoulder and says: "You are it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do programmers like UNIX?
unzip, s**..., touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gorilla Encounter
Two gay guys are at the Zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive e**.... The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"
A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome
...and call it Touch Downs.
the papal visit
the pope visited Glasgow during his visit he went to the Royal infirmary. He went to the ward where seriously ill patients were cared for. The first patient could not walk, the pope blessed him and he got up and walked, the second patient could not see after the blessing his sight was restored, the third patient shrunk back in horror. He shouted get back don't touch me I'm on motability.
What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?
George Lucas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot...
"Wow, there's so many b**... and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
Two pilots are landing a plane.
Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.
When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!
"A touching story"
One day a girl was walking from school... On the way home she saw a cat by the road lying dead.
The girl went and touched the cat to see if it would respond but there was no response.. She touched it again still no response... She then touched it again and again and again.
As i said its a touching story...
To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"
I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....
A touching story of a boy and his cat
one day,a boy named Kevin found a cat in the streets. He touched the cat. Touched it again.
and again.
and again and again and again and again...
told you it was a touching story
Wiping with only one square of toilet paper is a meditative experience....
You really get in touch with your inner self.
Don't know what touched me more as a child...
Michael Jackson's music or Michael Jackson.
Can I touch it?
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?" He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
They were so round, big, and beautiful - I just had to touch them!
And then she said, "OW! My eyes!"
If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you...
Gingerly
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
James Franco responds to claims of s**... misconduct.
I did not touch them! It's not true! It's b**...! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.
Oh hi Mark.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.
It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.
I can't take all the credit... I would like to thank my fingers...
... I could always count on them. Without them, I would have lost touch.
I went round MC Hammer's house the other day.
It was rubbish!!
He wouldn't let me touch anything.
Tell a person there's a million stars in the sky and he'll believe you.
But tell a person that the bench is freshly painted and he'll touch it just to make sure.
The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,
The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An exhibitionist exposed himself to 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.
The first old lady immediately had a s**....
The second old lady tried to ignore it but ended up having a s**....
The third old lady decided she wouldn't touch it.
Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires
Imagine my shock when I got grounded!
Doctor, it hurts...
Says the patient with so much pain.
Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.
Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my knees too.
Doctor: \*Does that hammer thingy\* I see. I can conclude now.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: Your finger is broken.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the doctor diagnose?
A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit s**....
The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"
The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"
After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.
Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we're made of atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives.
So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.
Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?
1100 Hammer
Very bad product name
Did you guys hear that Apple scrapped its idea for an iPod touch for children when they realized that iTouch Kids would be a bad product name?
Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.
It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling his old self.
Mix Tabasco sauce with your hand sanitiser
It won't make it any more effective, but it will remind you not to touch your face and eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just got back from the doctor... he said I can touch myself inappropriately whenever I want to!
Wife: Grabs report "This says you could have a s**... at any time"
A man goes to a doctors office, and says Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts
He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, I think you have a broken finger.
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair.
She said yea. So I rubbed my finger across her top lip and that's how the fight started, your honor
What do an electrician and a mortician have in common?
They're both shocked when they touch a live one.
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says,
"You've broken your finger"
The tunnel
An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.
The old lady thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him'
The young woman thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the old lady thinking it was me, and she slapped him'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet the Englishman tried to touch the young woman, and she thought it was me, so she slapped me'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap him again'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"The doctor said that I should touch myself whenever I feel like it."
"No, Dave. He said you could have a s**... at any time."
What do you get when you touch a phoenix?
Bird-degree burns.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane
They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a**... by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch
I've come to my senses
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.
As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."
Three snails were drinking at a bar. One of the snails got up to buy chewing gum at the store. He asked his snail friends if they wanted some gum too. They said yes.
3 years passed. One of the snail friends said he still hasn't returned, we might as well drink his beer . Suddenly a voice from the door yelled, if you touch my beer, I won't be buying you guys any chewing gum! .
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass.......
Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he's about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says - If you touch the soda, I won't go home and get the umbrella.
My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…
…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.
My fiance had a girls day with her sister at the art museum today, and sent me this.
Fiance: "I would take you to an art museum too. But then i couldn't hold your hand"
Me: "Why couldn't you hold my hand?"
Fiance: "Because i'm not allowed to touch the art"
She got me good.
I got really in touch with myself this morning...
I need to use a better toilet paper.
See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Go touch the window and see if it hurts
Feel the pane?
A very unlucky man finds a strange looking lamp, and when he touches it, a genie pops out.
The genie tells him he has one wish
The man says "Wow, finally my bad luck will come to an end!"
After thinking about it for a long time, he says "I wish I had the midas touch"
The genie grants his wish, and for the rest of that mans life everything he touched turned into a muffler.
My grandfather died a few days ago after a long and debilitating illness, but he always managed to keep his good sense of humour.
Today I received an Amazon parcel containing a Ouija Board, and a note with a smiley face saying "Let's keep in touch."
What is it called when you touch a couch inappropriately?
Sectional assault.
After running his fingers over the raised Braille lettering on the surface, the blind man looked terrified
A passing man noticed this and asked him, "What did it say ?".
The blind man responded, "RADIOACTIVE. DO NOT TOUCH"
A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor
"Please doc you have to help me. Everywhere I touch my self it hurts. If I touch my leg, ow that hurts, if I touch my arm, ow that hurts. If I touch my head ow that hurts.
Doctor looks him over and asks him " Sir where are you from?"
The guys says "I from Newfoundland"
The Doctor says "Son your fingers broken!"
