Totally Jokes
145 totally jokes and hilarious totally puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about totally that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article shares a collection of totally jokes covering topics ranging from gross to radio, fowl to stupid, corny to totes, and altogether completly. Whether you're looking for a chuckle or a groan, you'll find it here!
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Funniest Totally Short Jokes
Short totally jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The totally humour may include short completely jokes also.
- Cigarettes are like hamsters Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
- "Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely." - TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined. starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.
- I lent a girl an unbrella today Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
- A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... But I can only walk so fast.
- I totally forgot the super bowl was tonight! Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.
- I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share! It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?
- I'm happy to announce that I've been sober for 40 days! Not in a row or anything. Just total.
- the recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is. Totally unrelated topic - anybody know a good dentist?
- My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!" She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.
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Totally One Liners
Which totally one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with totally? I can suggest the ones about absolutely and completely stupid.
- What is Samsung ceo's favorite movie Total recall
- I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion It was a total flop. Nobody came.
- My roommate accused me of not respecting his boundaries.. Totally ruined our bath.
- I totally understand how batteries feel... I'm rarely ever included in things either.
- Got checked out by cute girl The total was $3.92
- I think the girl at the grocery store likes me, she was totally checking me out.
- How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.
- Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together Totally nailed it
- Here I am: 100 days sober Not in a row or anything, just total.
- Karl Marx College is a total scam there aren't even any classes!
- In a blind test, 100% of participants... said they totally didn't see this joke coming.
- I ran into my ex the other day. Cleaning the mess off my car was totally worth it.
- My teacher called me into her office today. She totally wants my D To go up to a C.
- Southern France is Nice But Gibraltar totally rocks!
- I've been happily married for 3 years Out of a total of 20.
Quirky and Hilarious Totally Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about totally you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean partially jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make totally pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two pilots were accused of s**... harassment.
HR said a female pilot complained about the way they were joking and saying cockpit during the flight. Looking relieved they both got up to leave. HR quickly asks where there going when one pilots says "we don't have a problem, we'll apologize, and we'll never use the term cockpit again. That was totally insensitive of us. From here on out we'll just call it a sky box."
Someone told me there's a joke about a "small medium at large"
I can't say I totally believe them...sounds a little suspect to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally n**.... Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're n**...!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're n**...!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
If I could have dinner with three people, dead or alive...
I would totally do that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom takes her sick daughter to the doctor.
The doctor asks the girl, "How old are you?"
Girl: "I will be 7 in two days."
Doctor: "Aww, look how optimistic we are."
--------------------------------------------------------
Totally unrelated joke
Son: "Dad, can I cross the street when the red light for pedestrians is on?"
Dad: "Yes, but make sure your arms are up in the air over your head."
Son: "Why is that?"
Dad: "Because it will be easier to t**... shirt in the morgue".
So an oxygen molecule walks into a bar... [biochem joke]
and goes up to the bar and orders a drink. As the bartender hands the Oxygen it's drink he notices the small molecule petrified with fear. He notices this and quickly realizes hemoglobin sitting alone in a corner booth with an obvious attraction to oxygen. The bartender looks and says to Oxygen "Don't worry, he's totally heme-less".
In a small town in the middle of nowhere...
Recently, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, a crime occurred which totally perplexed the local authorities. It seems that somehow, in a daring daylight robbery, an unidentified perpetrator managed to sneak into the crowded police station and systematically steal all of the toilets.
The cops have nothing to go on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde at the doctor's office
A gorgeous blonde pays a visit to a gynecologist. She undresses and lays down waiting for the doc. The doc enters the room and he's mesmerized by her beauty, totally loses his mind, and soon, starts having s**... with her.
She's quiet and not responsive, and the doc asks: You do realize what I'm doing, right?
She says: Of course, taking out my h**....
I was told to put two planks together
I totally nailed it.
So a guy walls into a bar
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The guy had a few beers, but the giraffe ends up getting totally wasted and passes out on the floor. The man pays and just add he is about to walk out the door the bartender shouts "hey! Don't leave that lyin' there!" And the man says back "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."
Do these jeans make me look fat?
wife : Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife : No, i won't! Tell me.
Me : I slept with your sister
Some pretzels are totally weird...
They're knot for eating.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old guys are sitting at a table in the nursing home, when a totally n**... old lady with a walker streaks slowly past them
o**... says to the other, " I can't see so well anymore. What was that?"
The other guy says, "I'm not sure, but it definitely needed ironing."
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...
...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twelve Italian priests...
...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally n**..., in a garden while a s**..., beautiful, big breasted, n**... model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman hears a knock a her door...
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered s**... offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."
There is a place I like to go when I want to be totally alone...
...it's called Google Plus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?
The phrase "I blew a t**..." means something totally different.
Trivia: If you stood every single Starbucks employee around the equator...
I would totally steal a white chocolate and raspberry muffin.
I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 20. We were at a bar tonight and people kept giving us dirty looks.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once i did the "is your dad a t**...?, because you are a bomb.." line to a muslim girl.
Totally blew up in my face
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nurse walks into a bank...
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a r**... thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some a**...'s got my pen."
Context is important.
Context is important. It's fine to say "I'm coming!" when you're running to catch a bus, but totally inappropriate to say the same thing when you're on it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is at his doctor ...
... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an e**... at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an e**..." "No but I do" the doctor replied.
Totally going to buy a tiny pet crow for myself.
Gonna call it Micro.
I hate being the only drunk person at the party
It totally ruined my sons 6th birthday!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my buddy smokes w**... with me, he calls it smoking me out.
Apparently bringing over a pizza and eating him out means something totally different.
Future rap name: 50 Bitcoin
That's all, the punchline was in the title; however, this sentence is here to comfort you and let you know that it's totally normal that you clicked to see if there was anything else.
She's technically not wrong...
This actually happened last night with my girlfriend...
Me: So did you read 1984?
She: Yeah, I did...utopian society right?
Me:No it is the total opposite...do you know the opposite of utopian?
She: yeah..Ethiopia right?
and yes she was being totally serious.
Jesus' crucifixion was a success...
They totally nailed it!
Psi walks into a bar
And says to the owner
"Such a nice unit you have here, totally on a different scale"
I'm in trouble with my wife. I totally forgot her 'special birthday' that was such a big deal apparently.
Still, everything went fine and it was a healthy baby boy!
The Worst Natural Disaster
So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.
* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.
But in the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.
I have great muscle memory
I totally remember when I was in shape.
Why did the surfer join ISIS?
Because he was totally radical!
What did the surfer say when he visited Syria?
This place is totally radical!
Hey girl are you legs broken?
Make up the other half of this pickup line in the comments.
Edit
Totally goofed it up in the title. Oh well, I had a few drinks last night and things happened.
*Are your legs broken?
I can totally keep secrets!
It's the people I tell them to that can't!
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".
[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]
I totally blew it with my new girlfriend
That's how it goes with inflatable partners.
A Guy walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
A guy walks into a car.
Okay, so he wasn't so much walking as he was running at about 45 mph directly into my car. He was drinking heavily and was on his phone. It was totally his fault officer.
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny
Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean
Where do you go when you're white and caught speeding, then get separated into different colours only to come out bent and totally different to how you came in?
Prism
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having s**... with this german schoolgirl the other day
I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time
I introduced my new boyfriend to my family last night
Everyone was totally fine with it except for my wife
What did the day-old egg say to the other egg?
I totally got laid last night.
What catch phrase do white girls and statisticians share in common?
"That's totally random"
Trump receives a message
Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.
The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Turns out my psychologist is also a p**......
Totally blew my mind
How many tennis players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What?!? It's out? That's totally in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw saw a few n**... surgery .gifs with open-o**... operation.
I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.
I can't marry you Christina, my family is totally against it.
"This is your life! Who are they to stop you?"
"My wife and two kids"
Students are excited to attend the geology class at the local school.
They say it totally rocks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Peanut allergy
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his f**....
What did the bartender say to the villiage drunk?
I can't remember, I was totally wasted.
Well, I totally got robbed during a night out last night.
We're ok. They got $50. All we got was some candy, a bucket of popcorn, and a mediocre movie.
Apparently today is World Alzheimer's day
I totally forgot
I've determined that saying big words always will make you sound smart
Totally photosynthesis right?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "s**... patients here" meant something totally different.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After last night my neighbour finally told me...
... that he can totally hear me and my wife whenever we have s**....
I hope I can find a solution before my birthday comes again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do we know that Jesus was a Jew?
He totally believes that he is the Son of God, and that his mother is a v**...
Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...
She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.
He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.
A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.
Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"
My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ.
I totally nailed it.
I don't want to jinx it, but I've never been in a car accident...
I'm a totally wreckless driver.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the k**... rally expecting it to be totally boring.
But you know what? It was all-white.
I want to start a paranormal hookup app.
The tagline would be: for things that want to go bump in the night.
(Finally a place where ghosting would be totally acceptable.)
A bloke just walked passed me shouting you're a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you're totally covered in sugar.
It was all rather unsavoury
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it's totally violates the second amendment.
Don't they have a right to bare arms?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, that's totally going to be us in 10 years.
He said, that's a mirror, d**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I need help guys, I was driking last night.
We had five beers, some v**..., r**... and ended it with whiskey. I was totally drunk, so I decided to leave my car there and take a bus. From the bus I saw the police stopping cars and I was so glad I was in a bus. Then I came home.
There is the problem: I have a bus in front of my house and I don't know what to do with it. Please help.
Someone had a crush on you, was totally secretly in love with you, dreamed at you at night and you have no idea
That was the joke
