The Best 92 Totally Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Totally jokes. There are some totally today jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these totally totally inappropriate puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Totally Jokes and Puns
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
Mom takes her sick daughter to the doctor.
The doctor asks the girl, "How old are you?"
Girl: "I will be 7 in two days."
Doctor: "Aww, look how optimistic we are."
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Totally unrelated joke
Son: "Dad, can I cross the street when the red light for pedestrians is on?"
Dad: "Yes, but make sure your arms are up in the air over your head."
Son: "Why is that?"
Dad: "Because it will be easier to take off your shirt in the morgue".
A blonde walks into a library..
she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."
In a blind test, 100% of participants...
said they totally didn't see this joke coming.
My teacher called me into her office today. She totally wants my D
To go up to a C.
I went to the bar with my 21 year old girlfriend...
They called me a pedophile because I was 42. That totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
So a guy walls into a bar
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The guy had a few beers, but the giraffe ends up getting totally wasted and passes out on the floor. The man pays and just add he is about to walk out the door the bartender shouts "hey! Don't leave that lyin' there!" And the man says back "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."
A lady and her baby...
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"
The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
Do these jeans make me look fat?
wife : Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife : No, i won't! Tell me.
Me : I slept with your sister
Two old guys are sitting at a table in the nursing home, when a totally nude old lady with a walker streaks slowly past them
One guy says to the other, " I can't see so well anymore. What was that?"
The other guy says, "I'm not sure, but it definitely needed ironing."
You can explore totally completly reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean totally harmless dad jokes. There are also totally puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here". He doesn't react, because living a society that systematically discriminates against noble gasses has taught him that getting angry will only bring violence upon him. He totally writes an angry tumblr post about it later that evening though.
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...
...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."
Twelve Italian priests...
...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!
Went to the pub with my girlfriend and everyone was calling me a pedo because she is 21 and I'm 65...
Totally ruined our tenth anniversary.
Totally Nerdy Joke: Einstein, Newton, and Pascal playing hide and seek
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's einstein's turn to count. Pascal runs away and hides under some bushes. Newton draws a large box in the dirt and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting, sees Newton and declares "Aha! Newton, I found you!" Newton replies "No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."
I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night and people kept calling me a pedophile, just because I'm 53 and she is 22...
...totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together.
I totally nailed it.
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
A woman hears a knock a her door...
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered sex offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."
Went to dinner with my girlfriend tonight and got called a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 19.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?
The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.
I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 20. We were at a bar tonight and people kept giving us dirty looks.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Once i did the "is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.." line to a muslim girl.
Totally blew up in my face
A nurse walks into a bank...
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."
A man is at his doctor ...
... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an erection at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an erection" "No but I do" the doctor replied.
I hate being the only drunk person at the party
It totally ruined my sons 6th birthday!
A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...
But I can only walk so fast.
She's technically not wrong...
This actually happened last night with my girlfriend...
Me: So did you read 1984?
She: Yeah, I did...utopian society right?
Me:No it is the total opposite...do you know the opposite of utopian?
She: yeah..Ethiopia right?
and yes she was being totally serious.
Jesus' crucifixion was a success...
They totally nailed it!
Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together
Totally nailed it
I'm in trouble with my wife. I totally forgot her 'special birthday' that was such a big deal apparently.
Still, everything went fine and it was a healthy baby boy!
The Worst Natural Disaster
So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.
* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.
But in the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.
Working in a mirror factory
is something I can totally see myself doing.
Why did the surfer join ISIS?
Because he was totally radical!
I can totally keep secrets!
It's the people I tell them to that can't!
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".
[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]
I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!
Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.
A Guy walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny
Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean
I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day
I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time
I introduced my new boyfriend to my family last night
Everyone was totally fine with it except for my wife
I found out I was colourblind today
It was totally out of the purple
Trump receives a message
Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.
The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.
Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...
Totally blew my mind
How many tennis players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What?!? It's out? That's totally in.
I can't marry you Christina, my family is totally against it.
"This is your life! Who are they to stop you?"
"My wife and two kids"
I totally understand how batteries feel...
I'm rarely ever included in things either.
My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"
She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.
Peanut allergy
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
I think the girl at the grocery store likes me,
she was totally checking me out.
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.
After a while one elephant says to the other, I really don't get how he could feed himself with that thing.
Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...
She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.
He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.
A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.
Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"
A barber got arrested..
A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I'm totally shook. I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ.
I totally nailed it.
I am totally not a racist but...
Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.
I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, that's totally going to be us in 10 years.
He said, that's a mirror, dipshit.
You have to appreciate how badass those Chinese are...
They made a language totally out of tattoo symbols.
It's rainy outside, gf is looking through the window totally depressed... I don't know what to do
Should I let her come in ?
I am disgusted by the youth of today....
Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
So today I smashed my van in to the side of this blonde lasses car...
It was totally my fault, the car was a write off and the girl was very shook up, you could tell she was in shock so I told her I had a few cans of beer in the back of my van if she wanted them to get over the shock ..... She accepted, drunk a few then asked me if I was having one, I told her I'd wait until the police had been.
My girlfriend called me a peedo
I was having dinner with my girlfriend, and she called me a peedo. Sure, she's 18 and I'm 31, but that's not a big age gap right? Totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...
Cannabis is totally illegal in Saudi Arabia...
but you can still get stoned!
You can even drop acid...
As long as it's on a adulterer's face.
I totally understand why two year olds are always crying
I would cry too if I looked twice as old as I did last year
Cigarettes are like hamsters
Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
Some people are like slinkies.
They're totally useless, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
People in the office always complain about the a/c being too strong
but I'm totally cool with it
[First Date]
Me: Your profile says you're good at finishing sentences?
Her: Yeah, Totally!
Me: Same! I just finished a 20 year sentence for manslaughter
Ever since I decided to swap gender my son never notices me…
Honestly he looks right through me and doesn't acknowledge my existence and seems to be frightened when I say something. It's like I'm totally trans-parent
Which fictional character i would totally bang?
My Girlfriend!
Just gave away a whole bunch of old batteries...
Totally free of charge.
I always make sure to get totally stoned before going to auctions, so even if I don't snag anything...
...I'm always the highest bidder...
Poor daddy
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and brown eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son truly my child?
The wife replied, I swear on everything holy that he is your son. With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered Thank goodness he didn't ask about the other three.
I think it was totally disrespectful for Joe Biden to call the President of the United States a clown.
As a clown, I'm extremely offended
Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!
Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
A little boy's parents were getting divorced and he was in front of the judge....
Well, little boy, I've decided you're going to live with your mother.
NOOOOOOOOO! Not my mom! She beats me!!!!! Screamed the kid.
Oh. That's terrible. Ok. Well, your father, then.
NOOOOOOO! Not my father! He beats me, too!
The judge was totally perplexed. He has never had this problem.
Well, son, who would you like to live with?
The NY JETS. They don't beat nobody.
Y'all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.
So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.
If you would have told me on Nov. 10 2016 that the Trump presidency would end with the economy failing and the country dying..
I would have totally believed you.
Marital Misunderstanding
It's 4.00am. A man comes stumbling home and bursts drunk into his bedroom. He's totally dishevelled, stinks of booze and has a goat tucked under his arm. His wife sits up with a shriek and shouts:
"How dare you come home in that condition! And what's that thing under your arm?"
Her husband looks at her and says:
"This is the pig I sleep with when you're having one of your headaches."
"You idiot. That's not a pig it's a goat!"
"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to my goat."
A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door
Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."
I ran into my ex the other day.
Cleaning the mess off my car was totally worth it.
A woman came out of her annual health checkup totally beaming!!
Her husband asked " what happened ? "
"The doctor was stunned and he said that for a 45 year old woman , I've the breasts of an 18 year old "
"Did he say anything about your 45 year old ass?" Asked the husband.
" No " she answered " the topic of you never came up in the conversation at all "
A nurse walks into a bank…
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
Ah.. chemistry!
My roommate bursts into our apartment, totally stressed out from her chemistry finals.
Her: If anyone even says one more word related to Chemistry, I'm going to scream!
Me: K
Her: (goes bananas…) ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
My cousin told me it's totally safe to get a dental piercing
Turns out he was lying through his teeth.
My computer kept crashing
It turns out I had a bad driver.
I just came up with this tonight but I can totally see the joke having been come up with before, so if it has please let me know.
My mom is forcing me out and it's totally unfair...
I've only lived here for 9 months
Just got screamed at by a feminist for the last 10 minutes because I held the door open for her.
Totally embarrassed me in front of everyone inside the women's restroom.
A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of rum".
The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of rum helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed the same nun, totally drunk, with an empty bottle of rum in her hand. "I thought you said it was for the mother", the cashiet scolded her. "Well yea exactly, she'll shit herself once she sees me!"
My father always told me to be around smart people.
One day, My father and I were having a convo, he said totally committed to his words, "son be around smart people, if you are the smartest in the room you are in the wrong room."
So I got up and left the room.
Did you here about the guy that feel into the upholstery machine?
Yes he is totally recovered now
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the totally completely jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working totally totally gross piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.