Totaled Jokes
26 totaled jokes and hilarious totaled puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about totaled that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Totaled Short Jokes
Short totaled jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The totaled humour may include short overturned jokes also.
- Cigarettes are like hamsters Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
- "Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely." - TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined. starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.
- I lent a girl an unbrella today Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
- A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... But I can only walk so fast.
- I totally forgot the super bowl was tonight! Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.
- I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share! It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?
- I'm happy to announce that I've been sober for 40 days! Not in a row or anything. Just total.
- the recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is. Totally unrelated topic - anybody know a good dentist?
- My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!" She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.
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Totaled One Liners
Which totaled one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with totaled? I can suggest the ones about collided and tally.
- What is Samsung ceo's favorite movie Total recall
- I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion It was a total flop. Nobody came.
- My roommate accused me of not respecting his boundaries.. Totally ruined our bath.
- I totally understand how batteries feel... I'm rarely ever included in things either.
- Got checked out by cute girl The total was $3.92
- I think the girl at the grocery store likes me, she was totally checking me out.
- How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.
- Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together Totally nailed it
- Here I am: 100 days sober Not in a row or anything, just total.
- Karl Marx College is a total scam there aren't even any classes!
- In a blind test, 100% of participants... said they totally didn't see this joke coming.
- I ran into my ex the other day. Cleaning the mess off my car was totally worth it.
- My teacher called me into her office today. She totally wants my D To go up to a C.
- Southern France is Nice But Gibraltar totally rocks!
- I've been happily married for 3 years Out of a total of 20.
Share Hilarious Totaled Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about totaled you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean exploded jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make totaled pranks.
I ran into my ex yesterday
The car was totaled
There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road
Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.
The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."
The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."
I totaled my swedish car today...
But you don't want to hear my Saab story.
I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree.
My car was totaled.
Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night
The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate . The other man gratefully takes a big swig and passes it back. The first man caps the bottle and starts to put it away when the other says aren't you going to have one? He says no, I'm gonna wait for the police to get here .
My buddy Jacob is a bad driver
So Jacob got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.
Jacob said, "this is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast"
The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork and the other man took a big swig and passed the bottle back. And my buddy Jacob said, "no thanks. I'll wait for the cops to show up first"
What is called when an insurance company assesses a totaled car?
An auto-topsy
There's a car accident in a neighborhood
A guy in an old, beat up station wagon rear ends another guy in a brand new Porsche. Both drivers get out of their cars to inspect the damage and they see that the back of the Porsche is totaled but station wagon's front fender doesn't have a scratch on it.
The owner of the Porsche is livid with rage that this dolt hit him and wrecked his new car. So he goes into his car and comes back with a piece of chalk and a baseball bat. He draws a circle on the ground around the driver of the station wagon and tells him if he leaves that circle he'll beat him to death with the baseball bat.
Then the Porsche driver goes to town on the station wagon, getting all his fury out destroying the car. He bashes in the windows, dents up the hood, roof and sides and destroys all the lights. When he comes back to the driver of the station wagon he finds the guy rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Astonished, he asks the guy how he could be laughing so hard after his station wagon was just destroyed.
The guy stops laughing for a second and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle *two times*!"
The Cask of Amor-illado.
A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn't be given driver's licenses!
The woman sighs and points to the wreckage. Look at our cars. Completely destroyed, yet we are unhurt...it must be a sign from God. He's telling us the sexes should be compatible, and live in peace together.
Swayed by this profound sentiment, the man pauses and replies, "Maybe you're right...it could be a sign from God. Then he shakes his head. You're still at fault in this accident! Women shouldn't be allowed to drive!
The woman smiles evenly and says, But look here--another miracle. Although my car was completely destroyed, this bottle of red wine escaped, uninjured. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together, to celebrate our good fortune.
With a generous nod, she hands the bottle to the man. The man shrugs, accepts the wine and drains half of it immediately--in one long, glorious draught. With a dramatic flourish, he passes the bottle back to his new spiritual companion. The woman puts the cap back on and drops it in her handbag, zipping it tightly.
The man glances at her. Aren't you having any?
No…think I'll just wait for the police...
A man smashed his car into a tollgate.
He really totaled the booth, there was bits of wood everywhere. As he was wondering what on earth to do his friend happens to drive up and has a look at the damage.
"I've got some glue in my car that will fix this in no time" says the friend.
"No way" says the first man, "this booth is smashed into a thousand bits, you can't just glue something like that together."
"Just you watch me" says his friend and sets to work. After about 15 minutes he stands back and the tollgate is all fixed up, good as new!
"Wow, that sure is amazing, what type of glue is that?"
The friend shows him the tube of glue, it is Tollgate Booth Paste.
Horrible Accident
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
