Total Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie

Total recall

"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion

It was a total flop. Nobody came.

So i started a club for guys with erectile dysfunction....

Was a total flop, nobody came.

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

"The total cost would be Β£3000," said the funeral director.

"And that includes digging the grave."

"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

A total naked woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

Got checked out by cute girl

The total was $3.92

I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!

Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.

The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

I totally understand how batteries feel.

I'm not included in a lot of things either..

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.

When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".

The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".

How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar?

Total internal reflection.

I am totally not a racist but...

Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.

The teacher announces the total for an exam.

Teacher: Okay class, only John got 99/100

John:(to his classmates) Ha! See that?! You people are oozing with stupidity. You people should've followed my example. You guys should just shine shoes for a living or just live the rest of your lives as a mountain hermit. You can all drool at my excellence and you-

Teacher: The rest got 100.

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure:

The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what 'opinion' was. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' was. In the middle east no one could figure out what 'solution' was; and in america they had no idea what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Total Eclipse Today

I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

Totally Nerdy Joke: Einstein, Newton, and Pascal playing hide and seek

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's einstein's turn to count. Pascal runs away and hides under some bushes. Newton draws a large box in the dirt and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting, sees Newton and declares "Aha! Newton, I found you!" Newton replies "No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."

Karl Marx College is a total scam

there aren't even any classes!

Sorry in advance for the pun...

So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really sucks. They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.

Wife asked me what am I doing

Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?

Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?

Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet

Three Greeks and Three Turks are riding a train.

The Turks each buy one ticket, but the Greeks only buy one ticket total. The Turks are confused.

"How can you ride with one ticket?"

"Watch and you shall see."

The Greeks get on the train and pile into the bathroom. The Turks sit near the bathroom and observe. The conductor knocks on the door and says "Ticket please." The Greeks slide the ticket through the door.

The Turks think this is ingenious! They decide to try it, so on the ride back they buy only one ticket. But the Greeks don't buy any.

"How will you ride without any tickets?"

"Watch and you shall see."

They get on the train. The Turks pile into one bathroom, the Greeks into another. One Greek gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the bathroom the Turks are hiding in, and says:

"Ticket please."

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?"

"Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski"

"And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?"

"Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated.

"Yesterday was my birthday."

Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

He only made it to Nearvana.

COWBOY WHISPERER

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"


Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."


Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather........"

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie..... "

Perceptions vary

Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, the passengers heard two things - a kiss and a slap. Everyone on board had his or her own outlook of what happened. For example . . .

The young lady assumed to herself, "While I'm flattered that the handsome lieutenant kissed me, I'm embarrassed that my grandmother slapped him."

The grandmother supposed, "I'm disappointed with the lieutenant, but I'm proud that my granddaughter had the courage to hit him."

The general thought, "What in the world . . . why did my lieutenant kiss that civilian young lady and why did she slap me by mistake?"

The lieutenant was the only person on that train who really knew what happened. In that brief period of total darkness, he had the opportunity to kiss an attractive young lady, as well as slap a general.

I arranged a fundraising event for victims of land mines last week. Total waste of time though!!

Only half the people turned up.

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

I've been happily married for 3 years

Out of a total of 20.

I hosted my very first orgy last night and it was a total disaster

Nobody came.

Passwords

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli

**** A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli ****

Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Β 

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Chri$tians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Β  Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." Β The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Β Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"

Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

Babies are like the total opposite of a complicated dinner recipe

It's more fun to make one than it is to eat one.

A blonde, redhead and a brunette

A blonde, redhead and a brunette are lost and have found a magic lamp, and rubbed it. A genie appears and grants them 3 wishes in total.

The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof, she was back home.

The brunette wished to be back with her family.
Poof, she was back with her family.

The blonde said: Wow! I wish my friends were here.

Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.


Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.


Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.


Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.

The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

LPT: Never buy anything made of velcro...

It's a total rip-off.

I totally understand why two year olds are always crying

I would cry too if I looked twice as old as I did last year

The genie

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam then said, "Fill it with water"

Going to be Emceeing my sister's sweet 16 birthday tonight. Do you guys know any good jokes?

Just some clean jokes because there will be family there also and about 150 people in total and I cant find any amazing ones online.

Thanks

People usually think rolling a Natural 1 is a total disaster

But apparently the real disaster is Roll20.

A man wakes up the morning of his birthday on July 7th.

He looks at his watch '7:07'. Oh man, what are the odds that I wake up at 7:07 on 07/07 on the day of my birthday. Could be my lucky day!

He drives to the grocery store and starts freaking out as the total at the cash shows 77.77$. Oh my, this cannot be a coincidence .

He then drives back home and parks his car, only to realize his mileage is now at 77,777km. Ok this is it, it is my lucky day, I'm going to pick a horse and bet 7777$ on it in tonight's race. Easy money!

The horse finishes 7th.

I met a plastic surgeon at a bar last night...

He specialized in male-to-female sexual reassignment surgeries. He was a pretty nice guy, but a total *womanizer*.

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

A mad scientist walks into a bar..

..carrying 3 glass jars.

He puts the jars on the bar and says to the barman, "I have created life! Here, I have 3 jars, one containing Ice, one containing Water, and one containing Steam. They are all alive!".

The barman laughs and says, "ok, prove it then".

The mad scientist says, "They can't read, write or speak, yet, but they can understand jokes."

The barman, thinking this guy is a total nut job, plays along. "Alright then, let me tell them a joke!".

The barman tells a reasonably funny joke, and miraculously laughter can be heard coming from the ice and water jars.

"Oh my god!" Says the barman. "They are alive!"

"Yes, I told you, I have created life!" says the mad scientist.

"Ok" says the barman, "but why didn't the steam laugh? Did it not like my joke?"

"Oh" says the mad scientist, "that's not a laughing matter."

Why do men give their penises names?

Because they don't want a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.

Rick.

Rick is a total lover of Pixar movies. He will lend you any title except for one.

He is never gonna give you Up.

She's technically not wrong...

This actually happened last night with my girlfriend...
Me: So did you read 1984?
She: Yeah, I did...utopian society right?
Me:No it is the total opposite...do you know the opposite of utopian?
She: yeah..Ethiopia right?
and yes she was being totally serious.

What are the funniest total jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Total? Well, here are the best Total puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Total pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes