Tossed Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection...

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all," the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

A man was eating a hotdog...

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all." the woman replied.

The man picked up the dog and tossed him over a wall.

My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet.

I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

Flat Earth theory debunked

We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat because if it was cats would have tossed everything off the edge already.

Three politicians are sitting on a private plane...

The first politician took out a $1000 note, threw it out the window and said: "i just made 1 person in our country very happy".

Upon hearing this, the second politician took out ten $100 notes and threw it out of the window and said: "i just made 10 person in our country very happy".

The third politician pulled one hundred $10 notes and tossed it out of the window and said: "i just made 100 people in our country very happy".

The pilot laughed and told the co-pilot: "i can throw those 3 off the plane and make millions of people happy!".

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Please help me!

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!

Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the LochNess monster either!

(Credit. The Joke Cafe)

When I die...

I want my body to be dressed in a Super Man costume and tossed out of a plane.

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.

After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas."

The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."

The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.

"Relax," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' shitload of Californians. No big deal."

Our neighbors got really annoyed at me after I played catch with their son yesterday.

But in fairness, I couldn't find a ball, and the kid actually seemed to enjoy getting tossed back and forth. So I don't know what the big deal is.

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming hot carbs around me, I knew that for now, escape would have to be my mission.

Mission in pasta bowl.

What's the difference between Kylie Jenner and an egg?

One is just a fragile shell, containing contents so shallow, they hardly give any sustenance to those who want it. And if dropped, or tossed away, can be easily replaced by bunch of others, exactly like them.

And the other is an egg.

There was a sailor on a ship that was discovered to be gay.

When the others found out they tossed him off.

Your mom is like a bowling ball.

She's round, heavy, gets picked up, fingered in three holes, tossed in the gutter and she still comes back for more.

G/F Joke

Guy comes home, only to find everything he owns tossed out into the yard. He storms in and asks his girlfriend "Why is all my stuff outside" She says "I kicked you out". "Why ?", he asks. "Because I found out that you are a pedophile". "Pedophile ?? That's an awful big word for a ten year-old"...

There were three guys on a boat. One of them had one last cigarette, but no lighter. He asked his friend if he had a cigarette lighter. His friend took the last cigarette and tossed it overboard.

"Hey why'd you do that?!" he yelled at his friend.

"There you go. Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter."

My cat and my paraplegic stepdad are so similar.

Neither like being tossed in the neighbor's pool.

Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.

Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.

So, two old ladies are outside on a bench smoking...

...when it begins to rain. The first old woman flicks her cigarette away, knowing it's going to be put out. The second of the old ladies reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, cuts the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette. The first woman asks "What on earth is that?" "Oh, it's a condom, they're designed to protect your cigarette from the rain," the second replies.

Now the next day, the lady who tossed her cig went down to the drug store to pick up some condoms so she can smoke in the rain. She asks the clerk "Can you please sell me some condoms?" The clerk is confused as to why this old lady would need rubbers, but in the interest of customer satisfaction, he says "Sure, what kind would you like?" To this the old woman responds,"Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter. Just make sure it can fit a camel."

So I was driving by a penitentiary this one time back home, and I saw a group of convicts at the perimeter fence trying to climb over.

The rest were hurrying on this one of them, who appeared to be a midget, and was having some difficulty scaling it.

All of a sudden, the biggest one just picked him up by an arm and a leg and tossed him right up & over!

And as he fell, I thought to myself,"Well, that's a little condescending."

What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough?

YEEST

A lion was walking through a jungle

...and asked a monkey, 'Who's king of the jungle.' 'You are, sir!' said the monkey. The lion asked zebra, 'Who's king of the jungle.' 'You are, sir!' said the zebra. When lion asked an elephant the elephant picked up the lion with his tusks and tossed him aside. 'Just because you don't know the answer doesn't mean you have to get mad,' said the lion.

A Frenchman, a German, and an Italian have been captured by the Russians. They are all brought in to be interrogated.

The Frenchman goes in first. After 30 minutes of brutal torture he finally relents and tells his captors everything.

The German goes next. After 2 hours of torture, he gives in as well.

Finally the Italian is questioned. After 3 days of brutal torture he still has not said anything and is tossed into the holding cell with the other two men.

The German and the Frenchman are both shocked. They ask the Italian how he managed to stay silent. Bruised and bloodied, the Italian replies

"I wanted to talk after five minutes, but they tied my hands down!"

I realized today that I really only have two options when it comes to a career path.

I'm going to end up in jail or working at Olive Garden. Either way endless salads are getting tossed.

Swinger's Party

I went to this swingers party and tossed my keys into a bowl.

I thought I had hit the jackpot when this hot big titted sultry blonde picked them out.


Never saw my BMW again.

My 9 year old nephew told me he wished he could be like Batman.

So I killed my brother & his wife & tossed my my nephew into a pit filled with bats.

I tossed my friend Sierra a can of pop

Sierra Mist

Why do you think I dated a vegetarian?

So I can get my salad tossed

Joe, why haven't you tossed your hat in the ring for the presidential election?

I'm Biden my time.

Coin toss

Little Johnny : I was feeling so sleepy this morning that I tossed a coin to decide whether I should attend class or go back to bed.


His Friend : So, what did you finally do?


Little Johnny : I had to toss 10 times before I could finally go back to bed.

High school is like a brain

You have some knowledges tossed in there, but it's mainly full of thots

Just got a new Job at Coka Kola

Engineering job, and man there is lots of high tech cola industry jargon being tossed around there, soda speak.

What did one pancake say to the others as it was tossed off the griddle into the air?

See you on the flip side.

Three guys at the pearly gates

Three guys at the pearly gates, St Peter asks them why they are here. The first guy says "I got home from work and I found men's clothes on my bed, I asked my wife if she was cheating on me and she said no. I didn't believe her and I tore my house apart looking for the guy. I got so frustrated I picked up the fridge and tossed it out the window, the stress was too much and I had a heart attack and died."

The second guy says "I was walking down the street, and out of no where a fridge fell from the sky and struck me, killing me instantly."

The third guy says "So there I was, naked, sitting in a refrigerator..."

I asked my dad if I could go to a 50 cent concert...

... He tossed me a dollar and said "take your brother"

What are the funniest tossed jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Tossed? Well, here are the best Tossed puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Tossed pick up lines to share with friends.

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