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Tortoise Jokes

64 tortoise jokes and hilarious tortoise puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tortoise that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Catch your breath and laugh out loud with these hilarious jokes about tortoises and hares! From puns about tortoise shells to clever cartoons and footraces, these jokes will have you rolling in no time. Get ready to tickle your funny bone with a variety of jokes about tortoises, lizards, and a certain slowpoke.

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Funniest Tortoise Short Jokes

Short tortoise jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tortoise humour may include short turtle shell jokes also.

  1. What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?
    They both want to get there before the hair
  2. i went to a bookshop And asked for a book about tortoises. The woman asked "hardback?"
    I said "yeah, and little heads."
  3. Me and my son we're at the zoo... And he asked me " those turtles are doing piggy backs" I knew it was time to have The Talk. So I said " Son those are tortoises"
  4. Snail gets robbed by a tortoise. Police come and asks the snail can you tell us what happened? Snail says I don't know man it all happened so fast.
  5. A race was arranged between a tortoise and a cheetah. The tortoise obviously won. You know why? 'Cause cheetahs never win.
  6. A man is walking around a costume party dressed in green with a woman on his shoulder When asked what he was he said he was a tortoise. Then when asked about the woman he replied "she's Michelle".
  7. An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted. It was a turtle disaster.
  8. My pet tortoise got mugged by 3 snails. When he was interviewed by the police, He said ' I don't know, it happened so fast'
  9. A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back? He replies I'm a tortoise and that's Michelle
  10. A tortoise was crossing the road, when two snails mugged him. The police arrived and asked what the muggers looked like.
    Shaken, the tortoise said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"

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Tortoise One Liners

Which tortoise one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tortoise? I can suggest the ones about turtle and reptile.

  1. The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric! Empty shells everywhere.
  2. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
  3. Why don't tortoises wear scarves? They have turtlenecks
  4. What happens to a turtle when it dies? It goes into riga-tortoise
  5. How is Sandusky like a tortoise? He gets there before the hair...
  6. I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle. She tortoise well.
  7. How did the tortoise win the race? He recruited dudes with some cross-hares.
  8. My favourite teacher was a turtle. I remember everything he tortoise.
  9. I had a teacher called Mr Turtle. He tortoise.
  10. In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name? Winslow.
  11. What do you call the cross between a tortoise and a porcupine? Slowpoke
  12. What does a balding man and a tortoise have in common? Hare loss.
  13. Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise.
  14. What do you call a tortoise that got ran over by a semi truck? A tortilla.
  15. What do you call a tortoise that drives a car? A motortoise

Tortoise And Hare Jokes

Here is a list of funny tortoise and hare jokes and even better tortoise and hare puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What does a priest and a tortoise have in common? They both like to get there before the hare.
  • What do Kevin Spacey and a Tortoise have in common? They're both trying to get somewhere before the hare does
  • The Tortoise challenged the Hare The Tortoise said race you home!
    The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.
  • How did the tortoise beat the hare? The tortoise was shipped express.
  • Why did the frustrated tortoise go to jail? He got a hare cut.
  • How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end?
    It was won by a hare.
  • Why did the tortoise get arrested? Because he got there before the hare.

Tortoise Shell Jokes

Here is a list of funny tortoise shell jokes and even better tortoise shell puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A tortoise was really depressed. He went into his shell.
  • What do you call a tortoise without a shell? Tortwas
  • What do you call a tortoise that won't come out of its shell? Tautistic.
    🙄
  • What do you call a tortoise in a shell suit? A tortoise.
  • I had to bury my pet tortoise yesterday... It was sad, now he's just a shell of his former self.
Tortoise joke, I had to bury my pet tortoise yesterday...

Pet Tortoise Jokes

Here is a list of funny pet tortoise jokes and even better pet tortoise puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What would Voldemort name his pet tortoise ? Voldetort.
Tortoise joke, What would Voldemort name his pet tortoise ?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about tortoise can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of tortoise puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Laughter Tortoise Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about tortoise you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean tortilla jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make tortoise prank.

Two lorry's crashed into each other, one containing terrapins the other containing tortoises...

It was a turtle disaster.

Guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing dark-green Lycra and carrying a n**... woman on his back...

...
"What are you two supposed to be?" asks someone.
"Oh," he replies. "I'm a tortoise, and this is Michelle."

A n**... man is walking down the street with a woman on his back...

A guy on the other side of the street yells at him "Hey! What are you doing!?"
The n**... man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"
"As what?" asks the guy.
"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"
"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"
"Oh that's just Michelle."

At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could.

A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."

We always called our teacher Turtle

Because he Tortoise (Taught us).
Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.

Saw a guy walking with a n**... woman on his back. "You OK?" I asked.

"Sure. I'm headed to a fancy dress as a tortoise."
"And her?"
"Oh, that's Michelle."

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"
He replied "Fancy dress party"
"What as?" I asked
"Tortoise" the man shouted back
"Who's she?" I questioned
To which he responded "That's Michelle"

Mugging

A tortoise went out for a few beers and despite being severely worse for wear decided to walk home through the rough part of town. Half way home he was set upon by four snails who beat him senseless and stole what little money he still had and as a final insult they sprayed obscenities on his shell . Utterly distraught he was taken to the local police station where the inspector asked if he could remember anything about the assailants .
No - it all happened so quickly

Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....

Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress
Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise
Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?
Guy: That's Michelle....

A snail went to the police station

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged
When he got to the front desk he said
excuse me officer but I have been mugged by 2 tortoises
The officer said
can you describe the incident
The snail said
no officer sorry , it happened so fast

A tortoise is crossing the road when he is robbed by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask the tortoise if he can identify the culprits.
The tortoise, still shaking from the incident, cries 'It all happened so fast!'.

A n**... man was walking down the street with a woman on his back

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"
The n**... man replied, "To a fancy dress party."
"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.
"A tortoise", said the n**... man.
"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.
"Oh, that's Michelle."
EDIT - I changed the first "gentleman" to "bloke." I hope it makes more sense that way.

Tortoise joke, Snail gets robbed by a tortoise.

jokes about tortoise

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these tortoise jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.