Torah Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What's the difference between an orange and the Torah?

One can make acidic juice and the other can make Hasidic Jews

(Just made this up today)

So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"


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Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he's the rabbi, he can't risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. As he's waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they're saying hello, the Rabbi's pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it's mouth. As it's placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: My goodness...so this is how they serve apples here!

What do you call a Jewish adventurer?

Torah the explora.

I study different religions. Through dedicated research, I found one similarity that the Bible, Quran, Torah, and even the Book of Mormon all share.

They are all equally flammable.

Two Laws in the Torah were fulfilled on the same day.

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two landmark laws: "Gay marriage" and The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

'If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.' We just hadn't interpreted it correctly.

Mr. Schwitzheimer goes to meet his new son in law to be, Sol.

He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol my boy what do you do?



"I study the Torah," he replies.



"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"



"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."



"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwitzheimer.



"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."



Mr. Schwitzheimer goes home and his wife anxiously asks what Sol is like.



"Well," says Mr. Schwitzheimer, "he's a lovely boy--I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

Why do Jews not support arranged marriages?

Because the Torah doesn't allow "force kin".

What do you call a jewish archaeologist?

Torah the explorer.

Which board game instruction manual is the Torah?

Jumanji

Two Laws in the Torah were fulfilled on the same day.

For those who haven't heard, Washington State passed two landmark laws: "Gay marriage" and the "Legalization of marijuana".

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

What's the difference between an orange and the Torah?

One makes acidic juice and one makes Hasidic Jews.

You know what the Torah, Quran, and Bible all have in common?

They're all super flammable.

How is the Torah like Kidz Bop?

It's for yids, by yids!

What are the funniest torah jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Torah? Well, here are the best Torah puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Torah pick up lines to share with friends.

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