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Topical Jokes

50 topical jokes and hilarious topical puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about topical that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Get your jokes ready - we've put together a list of topical jokes that'll keep you laughing during any festive occasion. From topical Christmas cracker jokes to topical news, topical golf and topical ointment jokes, you won't need to worry about running out of material. Plus, you can explore the world of Hexadecimal jokes for a unique spin on your routine. Whether you're a Dermatologist or a Comedian, this list of jokes will have everyone laughing.

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Funniest Topical Short Jokes

Short topical jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The topical humour may include short top level jokes also.

  1. the recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is. Totally unrelated topic - anybody know a good dentist?
  2. Genders are like the twin tower There used to be 2 of them, but now it is a sensitive topic.
  3. Talking about gender is like talking about the twintowers... Once there were two and now its a sensitive topic.
  4. How many members of Stack Overflow does it take to change a lightbulb? Closed, question seems like off-topic
  5. I find abortion to be a difficult topic. On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.
  6. Genders and the Twin Towers have something in common... There used to be two of them, and now it's a sensitive topic.
  7. Two bakers were trying to have a talk about leavened Indian breads... The topic was a naan-starter.
  8. How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist? Gingerly.
  9. I did really well on my essay about communism. People think they're funny by asking "did you get high Marx?" Actually, I did well because I approached the topic from all Engels.
  10. Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections? Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

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Topical One Liners

Which topical one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with topical? I can suggest the ones about topics for and theoretical.

  1. What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events? A topical rainforest.
  2. Why is it hard to define feminism? It's a broad topic.
  3. What's a SJW's favorite maths topic? Triggernometry
  4. Don't read this if you don't like sensitive topics Biting into an ice cream
  5. X Æ A-12 Enough of this 'X Æ A-12' jokes, we have Elon-gated the topic too much.
  6. I wanted to open a forum about the death of God but it's a pretty Nietzsche topic.
  7. Seminar topic at the annual vampire conference "How to Deal with Stakeholders"
  8. I asked my Pharmacist for advice on telling a rash joke.. he told me to make it topical.
  9. It's never a good idea to joke about school shootings They're a loaded topic
  10. Topical Humor How does the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
  11. Skin Cream These days applying skin cream to an area of the body is quite topical.
  12. Hot Topic was having a huge sale Everyone panicked at the discount.
  13. Extinction is always a weird topic to discuss, some might say it's a bit... AUKward
  14. Y'now, I love talking about magnets But it's quite the polarising topic.
  15. You're in a wordplay contest. The topic is "water" What is your wet pun of choice?

Topical News Jokes

Here is a list of funny topical news jokes and even better topical news puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is it called when weather in Central America breaks the news? A topical climate.

Current Topical Jokes

Here is a list of funny current topical jokes and even better current topical puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What was Tom Cruises first marriage called? The Manchild vs. Kidman
    ——
    Please go easy, I know it's not a very current topic but I just came up with the pun on this wonderful actresses name.
  • A group of people gather in the Caribbean just so they can discuss current events... It's like they're on a Topical Island
  • What is a fish's favorite topic of conversation? Current events.
Topical joke, What is a fish's favorite topic of conversation?

Topical joke, What is a fish's favorite topic of conversation?

Gather Around for Fun Topical Jokes and Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about topical you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cosmetic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make topical pranks.

"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

Topical Jokes for 6/1

A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber saying the n-word. People are calling it the least offensive Justin Bieber video ever.
In Illinois, a 115-pound-woman won a hot dog eating contest, after she ate 28 hot dogs. The judges then congratulated the 138-pound-woman.
The NSA is reportedly collecting millions of images per day to build a f**...-recognition database. The NSA is cataloguing the photos in a massive online database -- it's called Instagram.

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.
If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

My doctor gave me some cream that was supposed to help me write jokes

But it wasn't topical

Whenever I feel a conversation is becoming dull, I start talking about sunscreen...

because it's topical.

Why do ISIS fighters only drink instant coffee?

Because they hate the French Press.
(This joke used to be more topical)

Where's the best place in India to go for topical pain relief?

Mysore

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a bunch of pillows and blankets on my head for Halloween...

figured it was topical to go as Paul Man-In-Fort

[Topical subject] France v Germany...ended in a shootout.

Topical Jokes for 2/8

A company in Denver has created a dating app that connects fellow p**... smokers. The app is great because even if you don't like the person you meet, sparks are gonna fly.
In Florida, a woman who didn't know she was pregnant set a state record by giving birth to a 14 pound baby. The woman realized she was pregnant when the 14 pound baby started k**..., and cracked three of her ribs.
Researchers have developed a smartphone app that lets you test yourself for STDs. The app can be a bit confusing to use at first, especially if you've never seen the You've Got AIDS emoji.

Topical Jokes for 2/4

In New York City, police investigated a suspicious package that turned out to be a bag filled with 1,000 condoms. Of the 1,000 condoms found in the bag, only 400 of them had been used.
Speaking of safe s**... — in Venezuela, the price for a pack of condoms has jumped to $755 dollars. And that's just for the expired ones.
Officials determined that a small plane c**... in Colorado was caused by the pilot taking selfies while flying. Poor guy, he just wanted his photos to be in the cloud.

Topical Jokes for 1/31

The CEO of McDonald's has announced he'll be resigning later this year. It's the first time in history that a McDonald's employee has quit and given more than five seconds notice.
The New Hampshire lottery is selling scratch 'n sniff tickets that smell like bacon. The aroma is there to remind people that if they didn't waste their money on lottery tickets, they could afford to eat bacon.
In Alabama, a truck driver caused a mile-long traffic jam when he swerved off the road while trying to pull out a loose tooth. Drivers slowed down to look, because people in Alabama had never seen someone who has a tooth.
Suge Knight is suspected of running a man over with his car after an argument. The argument was about whether or not there's a pumpkin-flavored Jelly Belly.
...running over someone with your car seems crazy, but you have to keep in mind that Suge Knight's motto is Live every day like it's 'The Purge.'

Topical Jokes for 1/24

SkyMall Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. SkyMall blamed the decline in sales on the fact that s**... people have run out of money.
Scientists have proved that hearing jokes and the voices of family members helps coma patients wake up faster. One family started doing a comedy show, and the coma patient sprinted out of the hospital.
In New Hampshire, four bears died after they overdosed on chocolate bait. Even more tragic, one of the bear's New Year's Resolutions was to eat better.
A study has revealed that sitting for long periods increases your risk of death. It's especially lethal if you sit for a period longer than 100 years.
Cubans hope that improved relations with the US will also bring better internet access. To give you an idea of how slow Cuba's internet is, they're still waiting for Gangnam Style to load.

Topical Jokes for 1/12

The White House said that not sending a senior official to the Paris liberty march was a mistake. Joe Biden was supposed to fly there, but he's not allowed on a plane unless he's accompanied by an adult.
United Airlines is considering outsourcing jobs to cut costs. From now on, one lucky passenger will get to fly the plane, while being fed instructions from a customer-service rep in Mumbai.
In North Carolina, a woman accidentally shot her husband when he surprised her with breakfast in bed. The woman then saw he was carrying breakfast from Taco Bell -- and shot him again.

Topical Jokes for 1/6

A report shows that North Korea has 6,000 cyber attack specialists. In fairness, North Korea's definition of cyber attack specialist is anyone who's ever watched The Matrix.
...these cyber attack specialists can access any computer on the planet, and leave the message Please. Help me get out of North Korea.
In Mexico, a vicious drug cartel forced some members to eat human hearts. Ex-members of the cartel who were forced to eat hearts have formed a class action, and are suing the cartel for 100 million kilos of c**....
In Florida, a man brought a five-month-old baby to an attempted burglary. The man has been offered a reduced sentence, if he agrees to testify against the baby.

Topical Jokes for 1/2

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid suffered fractured ribs, and broken bones in his face after falling off of a piece of exercise equipment. Reid is no stranger to injury, like the time he tried to open a jar of mayonnaise, and broke both of his legs.
In Colorado a survey determined that 90% of residents who voted to legalize m**..., would vote the same way again. The remaining 10% were too high to understand the question.
In Montana, a boy's parents rewarded him with $500 dollars after he gave up soda for a year. An hour later the boy was found dead, floating facedown in a bathtub full of Dr. Pepper.

Topical Jokes for 11/2

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
In Alabama, a man who robbed a Subway said he did so because he tried the Subway Diet , but didn't lose weight. Police describe the suspect as armed and extremely gullible.
In New York City, a health department worker was suspended for using a robotic-sounding voice when answering the phone. During the man's suspension, his phone will be answered by an actual robot.
A Maryland man has been charged with sending an email that threatened to kill President Obama. Obama said it was the nicest email he's gotten in months.
In Texas, a man called the police after a woman broke into his home, and performed o**... s**... on him without his consent. Police arrived on the scene, and the man was arrested.

Topical Jokes for 10/26

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
In Dallas, a man was arrested after he attacked a man in a pink shirt, while shouting homophobic slurs. Because what could be less gay than freaking out over another man's outfit?
In California, a man robbed a convenience store, only to return later to apologize and give back the money. The cashier accepted the man's apology, then shot him eleven times.
Scientists in Switzerland used a spectrometer to determine that the Rosetta comet smells terrible. And these scientists know about bad smells, because they spend all day sniffing Uranus.
The reality show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was cancelled after it was learned that Mama June was dating a convicted r**.... Previously, she'd exhibited better judgment, by only dating rapists who had never been convicted.

Topical Jokes for 10/9

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
In Indiana, a pizza delivery man received a $1,200 tip from college students. College officials applauded the act of charity, until they realized the pizza was just a box with $1,200 dollars worth of w**... in it.
To thwart corruption, traffic police in Thailand will now receive a bonus if they refuse bribes. The plan affects all levels of Thailand police, from the street-level Bribe Solicitor, to Director of Bribes, all the way up to Bribe King.
…the anti-corruption program will be funded by confiscated bribes.
Lawmakers have approved $700 million dollars to help fight Ebola. The lawmakers announced the news from inside their $700 million dollar Ebola-proof bunker.
In North Korea, Kim Jong-Un has not made a public appearance for several weeks. Kim's unexplained absence has sparked rumors in the state-run media that everything is totally fine.

Topical Jokes for 9/5/14

(for best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night host)
In Oregon, a veterinarian discovered 43 socks in a Great Dane's stomach. The dog was taken to the vet when the owner wanted to find out why his sock drawer was growling.
To ward off evil spirits, a woman in India has married a stray dog. The woman's biggest complaint about being married to a dog — is everything.
A new study has determined that wearing a bra, does not cause breast cancer. The study did find that going without a bra, causes cancer of the eyes.
Eminemn has been entered into the Guinness Book of World Records by having nearly 1,500 words in the song Rap God. And only 700 of those were the f-word.
The World Health Organization announced that doctors should use the blood of Ebola survivors to treat other patients. This was in response to the question, What's the best way to spread the Ebola virus?
(Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed 'em)

It must be hard for comedy writers to be topical

unless they're ProActive

Topical Jokes for 6/20

(For best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night personality)
In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937.
In Illinois, a university is offering a scholarship for students who play video games. The school was then forced to suspend the program when a student found out you could get unlimited scholarships, by pressing up up, down down, left right, left right, and B, A.
The Governor of Florida signed a law today making it legal to fire a warning shot at an attacker. The legalization of warning shots is important in Florida, because that's how people greet each other.
Starbucks is increasing the price of it drinks and bagged coffee. To protest the price hikes, customers vowed to boycott Starbucks, and go across the street — to a *different* Starbucks.

Topical Jokes for 6/17

(For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host)
In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!
The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton! .
Coca Cola is testing a new, low-calorie version of Coke in a green can called Coca Cola Life. The original formula of Coke in the red can will be rebranded as Coca Cola Death.

Topical Jokes for 6/13

A woman at an Arizona Burger King found a razor blade in her salad. Even more amazing, she found a salad inside a Burger King.
A new study has discovered that dinosaurs were neither warm-blooded, nor cold-blooded. Which is the perfect dinosaur trivia, if you desperately need to end a conversation.
The LA Kings have won the NHL championship in double overtime. The team celebrated by trying to trade the Stanley Cup for a pair of NBA playoff tickets.
In Baltimore, police shot a cow that had escaped from a slaughterhouse. What the cow failed to realize, is that the entire city of Baltimore is one giant slaughterhouse.

Topical joke, Topical Jokes for 6/13

jokes about topical